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anita.
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July 12, 2024 at 6:45 pm #434946
Chau
ParticipantHi all,
Thank you.
I don’t mean to hurt her and I don’t mean to hurt myself. My thought was i had some emotions and need to be released. Little did I know the impact of it. When you mentioned about emotion abuse it did stuck to my head, I do have this ressistance feeling to accept it but I think having something labelled(not in all scenario) helps me have a direction. I do not mean to hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt anyone i care further.
Any book to recommend? I was searching but not many book focuses on the abuses, which I think I should know more about. I planned for a solo trip this week so I think I have time to think things through, and just distract myself a bit for the week. So I should have quite a bit of time to read while travel.
Regarding the anger management, now it is brought to light, I am revisiting in my mind the ways we interacted before. There were times when I blamed her, there were times when I was upset about something that she had no control of. This is helpful, I am thinking how to practice the corrected interaction with her and others in my mind/ in real life
Having a flight soon
Have a good evening to all of you.
July 12, 2024 at 7:56 pm #434948anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome! I don’t have a book to recommend (haven’t read books in more than 10 years). I hope that you relax and enjoy your solo trip this week, think things through, at your own pace.
anita
July 12, 2024 at 11:49 pm #434953Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
I hope that you have a safe trip!
I do actually have a book recommendation, since you asked. This was recommended to me by my old psychologist. Fantastic woman. The book is called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. It is not expensive online. I think that free copies might even be found if you look hard enough.
You are a caring person and try your best. I know that you would not want to hurt anyone. It is a painful realisation that there are still things to work on. You can only manage what you are aware of. Now you are aware. You weren’t before.
I don’t know if this will be helpful to you, everyone is different. Anger is often the result of unmet needs. I started a journal of all of the times I felt angry. Wrote down the situation, immediate thoughts, and any circumstances like hunger, pain, lack of sleep, stress etc. I found often I was angry when I was tired and hungry. All of the factors I mentioned adversely affect emotional regulation which can make a person more reactive and irritable.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 13, 2024 at 1:33 am #434954Helcat
ParticipantI remembered a second book that she recommended as well. It is called Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns by Gitta Jacob.
July 13, 2024 at 1:59 am #434955Roberta
ParticipantDear Clara
I hope you have a good trip. Along with the causes that Helcat stated at the moment fear drives my anger ie If dad has a fall I cannot lift him by myself so when dad’s unco -operativeness puts us both in danger of this I have to slow down and realign into my parasympathetic system. The problem is that if anger is not counteracted it becomes more frequent and stronger. Gratitude Love patience & compassion are the antidotes. Working with Anger by Thubten Chodren is well worth a read plus I am currently reading a book called Prescence.
Best wishes Roberta
July 13, 2024 at 9:39 am #434960anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
I looked up quotes from the books recommended to you (thank you, Helcat and Roberta!) and thought of sharing some with you:
Reinventing Your Life (Goodreads. com): “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”
“You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends. Undoubtedly this gives rise to anger (although you may not be aware of it). You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it.”
“A lifetrap is a pattern or theme that starts in childhood and repeats throughout life. The theme might Abandonment or Mistrust or Emotional Deprivation or any of the others we described. The end result is that, as an adult, we manage to recreate the conditions of our childhood that were most harmful to us… our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.”
“Lifetraps are long-term patterns. They are deeply ingrained, and like addictions or bad habits, they are hard to change. Change requires willingness to experience pain. You have to face the lifetrap head-on and understand it. Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviours every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice.”
Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns🙁therapy resources. org, PDF!!!): “Does that sound familiar to you? Persistent patterns you just cannot get rid of? The same kind of feelings mixing up your life over and over again?… In the first part of this book we explain how you can explore the origins of your patterns. You will also discover your real needs and how you can meet them better. In Part II we will introduce methods to change your patterns step by step… The therapy that’s aiming to change your patterns is called schema therapy”.
“When you are in a Child Mode your reactions towards others can resemble the behavior of a child. Like a child, you may find it hard to control your impulses: you may start crying in a conversation with your boss, or you may slam the door in a fight with your partner… When we are in a Child Mode feelings of sadness, anger, shame, or loneliness are exaggerated; it can be very difficult to calm down… People suffering from emotional problems usually experience Child Modes particularly intensely. Small triggers can evoke strong negative feelings, even if the incident is trivial from a more objective perspective… The intensity of
negative emotions seems disproportionate to the event. Moreover, it is really hard for a person in a child Mode to control those feelings and the related reactions”.“2.2 Angry and Impulsive Child Modes… are often triggered when you feel that your needs are not respected. However, unlike
the Vulnerable Child Mode, they are related to the so-called “hot” feelings, like anger and rage. Your behavior in this Mode might be angry or enraged… It is important to understand that the underlying needs are legitimate; it is absolutely normal
to get angry when your needs are not met! However, the behavior associated with this Mode is often inappropriate… When anger is dominant you experience intense annoyance or strong frustration when emotional needs (e.g., for acceptance or attention) are not met. This anger might come out in a very strong way, for example, as hurtful claims or sharp criticism. You may tend to “swallow” your anger. However, others may still sense it, even if it doesn’t come out so strongly”.“What are the early warning signals of your Angry Child Mode? These may be very specific and individual, including bodily sensation (e.g. tensed shoulders) or, thoughts (“I’m fed up with all of this,” “You don’t give a damn about me”)… Sometimes a short break is the best you can do when you feel the Angry Child coming up… Use a calming symbol… e.g. a smooth stone to carry in your pocket)… Imagine a situation that triggers your Angry Child Mode and then imagine in detail how you would react differently..”.
Working with Anger (Spirituality and practice. com): “People’s attention so often goes to what is wrong that they fall into despair. Bombarded by the news, which primarily reports conflicts and catastrophes, they forget the continual kindness that people show each other. The rejoicing meditation is an antidote to this. It is easy to do and can be done anywhere. For example… While waiting at the dentist’s office, we can rejoice in the kindness of all dentists and in the help people receive from them, while also praying that everyone with dental problems has access to the help he needs. Upon hearing someone receiving an award for excellence, we can be pleased with their talent and others’ recognition of it… By each day making a mental note of our pleasure in others’ good fortune, well-being, virtue, and excellent qualities, we will become joyful… All in all, only good, no harm, will come from abandoning envy and instead rejoicing.”
Prescence (Goodreads. com): “focus less on the impression you’re making on others and more on the impression you’re making on yourself.”, “A confident person — knowing and believing in her identity — carries tools, not weapons.”, “Remember, we want power to, not power over. We want to look confident and relaxed, not as though we’re trying our best to dominate. The goal is intimacy, not intimidation.”
“Presence emerges when we feel personally powerful, which allows us to be acutely attuned to our most sincere selves.”, “Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.”, “If you’re protecting yourself against harm—emotional harm or humiliation—you can’t be present, because you’re too protected.”, “Virtually everyone can recall a moment when they felt they were being true to themselves, but few can say they always feel that way.”.
End of quotes.
anita
July 13, 2024 at 2:09 pm #434964Helcat
ParticipantThank you for the quotes Anita, that was a great idea! 😊
I’m going to have to read your book recommendations as well Roberta! The quotes from them were inspirational. Excellent points you made too. Bless your soul taking such good care of your father.
Love and best wishes for all! ❤️🙏
July 13, 2024 at 11:55 pm #434969anita
Participant* You are welcome, Helcat. Thank you for saying me quoting, was a great idea. The quotes inspired me!
anita
July 14, 2024 at 3:35 am #434972Chau
ParticipantHello all
Thanks for the recommendations, it’s lovely to read that my question has resulted in some insights to you also.
I travelled for the whole day yesterday and today, finally back to the hotel for some rest.
All of the quotes sound relevant now my problem is which book to start first.
During my flight yesterday i was thinking how to practice what I have learned.
I scribbled with the following questions/ flow on what to do, when emotions arise; or simply, what I need to practice remember each day. Feel free to take a look and give me your comments.
Anita, thanks for sharing your story also, it must have been hard for you also. It is indeed hard for me to take but I am trying my best to digest the new information. I don’t want to make the people who genuinely care about me upset for no reason / reasons because of my history or lack of management of my own emotions. This is the why I try to read and re-read what you wrote.
I plan to read this to myself may be everyday/ whenever needed
My scribble below:
practise emotion regulation
my emotion is my responsibility
– [ ] investigate if the feeling matches with the reality
– [ ] is the fear legit?
– [ ] is the fear turned anger legit
– [ ] is the leashing out legit
– [ ] is the hurt legit
if not legit, practise
– meditation(letting go/ emotion regulation)
– exercise
– distract yourself
– breath deeply
– stop and be quiet. think of priorty: you want to win this? or win your life back?
– release emotions appropriately if needed. do no engage in the negative blaming cycle.even if they are legit, can you stop clinging onto them? and use compassion and forgiveness, practise
– meditation(loving kindness/ frustration)
– exercise
– distract yourself
– breath deeply
– stop and be quiet. think of priorty: you want to win this? or win your life back?
– release emotions appropriately if needed. do no engage in the negative blaming cycle.emotions flow and use your body to redirect and channel them
practise trust
– [ ] trust her with what she says– [ ]Do not mistrust when there is no evidence(Reference to ‘practice emotion regulation)
– [ ] trust that she meant good
– [ ] trust yourself, people around you love you and they do not betray or hurt you randomlyheal your inner child
– [ ] the fearful and hurt child may sometime go wild, gives her lots of love and reassurance: humans are not necessarily a source of danger
– [ ] be kind, and loving to her
– [ ] practice meditationset boundaries
– [ ] make sure people do not handle your emotions
– [ ] make sure to secure your own boundaries, and do not get affected by your emotions when they want to overwhelm you
– [ ] say no to malfunction( eg not true yto reality) emotions, let them go, do not clingJuly 14, 2024 at 8:13 am #434975anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, and thank you for your empathy and kindness. As I re-read the quotes this morning (before reading your recent post), the first one stood out to me: “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”- I don’t think I ever thought of anger as constructive or helpful in relationships/ interactions with people. To feel anger at another person was always a Problem for me, something too big, too threatening, like having a bomb within me and not knowing what to diffuse it. In my mind, the desired state of affairs was No Anger. Of course, I was angry a whole lot of the time, definitely stuck in a Hurt, Scared and Angry Child Mode.
I need to re-evaluate anger, to integrate (still feels strange to say it) constructive and helpful anger into my thinking, feeling, and interacting with others. Anger needs to no longer be something negative and BAD, in my mind, but something that can be positive and GOOD.
I like your scribble, Clara, very well articulated. I like your “you want to win this? or win your life back?” It makes me think of one of the quotes: “Remember, we want power to, not power over“- power to self-regulate: emotionally and behaviorally. To be emotionally healthy, a person has to experience a sense of personal power: not power over someone else, and not the power to suppress emotions, but the power to confidently and fairly assert oneself in the world.
“my emotion is my responsibility… do no engage in the negative blaming cycle“- I imagine that the next time you get angry (at A, let’s say) the tendency will be blame her for it, it’s a habit of the brain/ body.
“Is the lashing out legit“- I don’t think that lashing out (to suddenly hit someone, or to criticize someone very angrily) is ever legit except if your life is in physical danger, as far as hitting someone. Criticizing someone very angrily is not going to do any good to the criticized, as far as he/ she considering changing their behavior.
“emotions flow“- if we are healthy. When not, they are stuck inside us, and we are stuck with them, not free-flowing.
“practice trust – trust her with what she says“– like the blaming habit, distrusting is also a habit. It will take persistence through time to change this and other habits.
“the fearful and hurt child may sometime go wild, gives her lots of love and reassurance… and do not get affected by your emotions when they want to overwhelm you… let them go, do not cling“- I didn’t allow anger to be, thought of it as something negative and bad, so suppressed it for so long: no wonder it grew so BIG within me, overwhelming, threatening.
In between suppressing anger and lashing out, there must be a middle way: expressing it but not all of it, not the size/ intensity it grew to be.
anita
July 14, 2024 at 10:24 am #434984Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
I hope you get lots of rest after all of your travelling.
I thought you did a really good job writing down notes on how to help yourself with your anger.
I think there is also one other element, at least there was for me. Learning to communicate during disagreements in a healthy way.
Assertive communication styles can be helpful. There is a website, Skills You Need which I found really useful for learning positive communication techniques for difficult conversations. There is a lot of advice online for how to heal damaged relationships as well. I found reading about that helpful when my partner and I were having difficulties.
What has helped us the most during disagreements is validating each other’s emotions. Not being dismissive of each other’s perspective. If giving constructive criticism giving positive feedback as well. Acknowledging when we are trying. Staying very calm is essential for positive communication.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 14, 2024 at 7:37 pm #435002Chau
Participantthanks all
I downloaded “breaking negative thinking pattern” in the end
it find it relatable in the first two chapters already.
will come back and share once i find some insights
July 14, 2024 at 7:46 pm #435003anita
ParticipantYou are welcome, Clara. I am looking forward to read about your insights, when you are ready to share.
anita
July 15, 2024 at 1:25 am #435012Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
I’m glad to hear that you find the book relatable so far. I look forward to you sharing your insights!
I’m enjoying the book Working with Anger. 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 15, 2024 at 7:35 am #435025Chau
ParticipantHi all
I read about the vulnerable child mode and a bit of the angry child mode. I think it explained the way I was brought up, and it seems that I developed some of those child modes because of my upbringing. They are pretty spot on. I had this weird sense of relief knowing that ‘oh, that’s where it came from’ when i read the first two chapters.
The questions/ worksheets do require a lot of introspection. i need to use my hands to write them down, I often type too quickly that my thoughts just skim through things. With hand writing(although my handwrite is so bad that it is almost illegible), Ido think it allows me to have more time to digest them.
i can try to identify what triggered them, what i normally behave and if those behaviors matches what I want/ need.
Too bad I didn’t know about this earlier, or else things might be a bit different. Nonetheless, if it’s not because of the hit this time, I probably am still unaware of what I have been suffering from.
At this point, I am not very hopeful of our relationship, I cried yesterday because I missed her a lot, and I partly I think i was greiving the relationship, or at least the relationship that I thought I had.
I will keep on reading and keep on updating.
Best wishes to you all
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