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Taking a break

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Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 266 total)
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  • July 15, 2024 at 10:09 am #435029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    “I had this weird sense of relief knowing that ‘oh, that’s where it came from’ when I read the first two chapters“- it helps to understand that much of what we become is a bunch of  reactions to our growing-up experience, and that as humans, our responses are.. human: if there was another human on the face of the earth who experienced your exact childhood, he/ she would have reacted similarly, if not the identically.

    “At this point, I am not very hopeful of our relationship, I cried yesterday…  I think I was grieving the relationship, or at least the relationship that I thought I had“- I know you are hurting, Clara, and I hope that soon you will feel better and better.

    About grieving what you thought you had: how about grieving wishful thinking of all kinds, and commit to realistic thinking, that which is in the core of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy, which is an integrative therapy that evolved from CBT and other therapies..?

    anita

     

    July 15, 2024 at 10:39 am #435034
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    I’m glad that you’re finding the book helpful. 😊

    Oh yeah, the two books I recommended are intense. Basically, therapy in book form. I would take lots of breaks slowly making your way through the exercises. I agree, handwriting is the way to go. Don’t worry, my handwriting is also terrible!

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having a rough time grieving the relationship. I hope that you start to feel better soon. Please take extra special care of yourself while you’re feeling delicate.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    July 16, 2024 at 4:33 am #435055
    Chau
    Participant

    thanks all

    today i am feeling a bit emotions and I decided to take a break from the homework. i find less energy today. When I think of her I get emotional today on the bus and cried, I really just wanted to go back home and simply watch tv with her at home. When I think of the possibility that she would propose a break up, my heart sank and tears just kept flowing out.

    My friend asked what I missed the most, and they are all small things that happened daily, having dinner together, watching tv together, talking about our work and families. I miss all these small little things that we do

    I am trying to work hard on myself, but the sadness that came is still inevitable.

    Just having a down time this evening

    Hope you all are well

     

    July 16, 2024 at 10:00 am #435066
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You posted the above Tues evening, 7:33 pm your time. It is now Wed 1 am, your time. I hope that you are sleeping restfully following a down-time evening.

    “The sadness that came is still inevitable“- understandable.

    anita

    July 17, 2024 at 1:47 am #435074
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    It sounds like a good idea to take a break from the homework while your emotions are high. Well done on taking care of yourself and doing what is right for you.

    Going home is an option. But it would be met with resistance. It would not just be things going back to normal.

    Perhaps what you want is not necessarily to go home right now, but for things to be back to normal? You both cannot put things back in the bottle, instead you must find a new way to move forward.

    It sounds to me that you cherish your relationship. That is a beautiful thing.

    I would suggest to keep working on yourself during this break, so that you feel prepared for when you do both come back together. It will take a lot of self control and emotional regulation, as well as healthy communication in difficult conversations.

    You are doing really well in unpicking everything. I think that when you do share with your partner all of the work you have done she will be impressed. Perhaps, she would not expect it and she will be pleasantly surprised?

    To go into the meeting with no expectations, but a desire to catch up, to check in and learn how your partner is doing with a clear heart and mind might be a goal to work towards.

    I don’t know how things will work out, but all you can do is put forward your best self and see what happens next.

    I learned something from the book Working with Anger that Roberta suggested. I would recommend reading that one. It is a much lighter read, but still poignant and full of insights. It made me cry, but in a good way.

    I learned that love can be a trigger for anger. Sometimes we have the highest expectations for the people we love and trust. Those expectations can be unrealistic.

    For example, I used to work with the public and during holiday seasons people were more likely to be rude and cuss out staff. This didn’t bother me because they were strangers. They were just stressed and overreacting, it clearly had nothing to do with me. It was easy for me to walk away, chuckle about the bizarre situation and move on with my day.

    But with my partner, smaller things can bother me when my mental health is not good. I start to read into things that are not there. Maybe it means that they don’t care about me if they keep forgetting what I asked for when they offered to go to the store? I always message or call and ask what they want when I do it. I do this because I care and want them to be happy.

    This is clearly not true upon calm reflection. My partner is just very busy and rushing. Taking the time to even try to do something nice is a blessing.

    Do you see what I mean?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    July 17, 2024 at 1:54 am #435075
    Helcat
    Participant

    It is a lot of pressure, to have high expectations of someone. They are only human and make mistakes, as much as we love them. We all make mistakes as we are trying to exist.

    July 21, 2024 at 5:21 am #435190
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi all
    I am back from trip, I keep travelling so that is a good thing for me as well, to leave me less time to fall into the overthinking pattern.

    Now that the talk should fall on next weekend, I am thinking how to prepare myself better(i am 2/3 throught the book and I have been trying to the exercise to change the pattern!)

    I thought of texting her today to see how we can arrange for next weekend. I want to settle something, the logistic may help me ground a bit, I am starting to feel a bit anxious once I am back home.

    With more time apart I feel she does not need me, so the chance of her wanting to be together I feel it’s less, given she was the one who didn’t have feelings for me at the start of the break. But I also know that based on the fact that I have(which is we have no contact for the month), I can’t draw any conclusion. She did post on IG that she feels happiness can be simple, to chat with fds or just to go out to nature, this made me feel that she is happier without me. Made me wonder if she was directing these to me also.

    Anyways, I guess I may be overthinking a bit and honestly most of the things said above were based on what I thought/ assumed. I know I need to be open-minded and see what she brings in the conversation. Sometime it it easy to fall into these thinking trpas.

    Any thoughts and ideas are welcomed. I would like to see how I can better prepare myself

    Thanks all

    Wish you all well

     

     

    July 21, 2024 at 6:34 am #435194
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Chau

    That is great to hear you are steadily working through the book.

    I have actually been learning a bit more about insecurity recently as I have been feeling a bit insecure in my relationship. Here is what I learned. Insecurity often arises when you have low self esteem and don’t love yourself. What do you think of this?

    Texting to arrange the meeting seems like a good idea.

    For your partner, her idea of happiness is talking to friends and spending time in nature. I’m curious about what your idea of happiness is?

    I know that you enjoyed things like spending time together at home. My thoughts are that perhaps the two of you have different ideas of happiness. You both fell into a bit of a rut before not going on dates. Perhaps it is important to consider both of your happiness in the relationship?

    My partner is quite content to be a homebody. But I am not. I go stir crazy being at home. It is nice for us to do things together at home and outside. That way we are both happy.

    Talking with friends may have been a relief from talking about the difficulties in the relationship constantly. Focusing on normal everyday stuff, happy things is essential for repairing relationships. If it is intense all of the time it just leaves everyone miserable. When there are long term issues, this means making an effort to delay discussing problems so that you can focus on being happy and doing positive things that repair relationships. My partner and I discussed problems for 30 minutes a week when we were having difficulties. This might not seem like a lot but over time every week you get through things piece by piece and you can focus on being happy.

    Setting a 30 minute time limit on the discussion about the relationship during the meeting might be helpful. You can also take turns to listen to each other for 5 minutes each. Validate each other’s feelings and if you give constructive criticism, offer appreciation for something else she does at the same time. Take a time out if things get heated. These are couples counselling strategies for effective communication.

    I don’t know what will happen in the conversation, but all you can do is put your best foot forward and show that you are willing to put the work in, if she is.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    July 21, 2024 at 8:28 am #435195
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Yes the book is really helpful. I think this has given me a good direction on how to keep track of my patteerns.

    I think my vulnerable child mode, the fear of abandonment is quiet strong. whenever I feel the possibility of being abandoned and the insecurity, I became angry and as Anita suggested before, I made the closed one my enemy. When I practiced to love and care for the my  little child, I did find peace, may be that’s the thing what you talked about not enough self-love?

    I texted her about the logistics for next week, she responded quickly but I feel she is not reacting the same as before. A bit cold, and a sense that she isn’t really wanting to share too much.  We used to share everything and now this has changed. May be she wants to break up? or may be it’s been a while that she needs warm up, I can’t tell but I can’t but wonder as well.

    She suggested we can meet at home to talk. I was expecting that she would suggest a restaurant or something, so that it’s less emotional and we could just leave.  If now she really breaks up with me, should she or I leave the house? It’s essentially my house, and now she breaks up with me, how should we spend the night? Or may be these haven’t even come to her mind yet. But I have already thought so far.

    Helcat, do you mean in the upcoming meeting I have with her, we can set a 30 minutes time and each share for 5 mins? May be that will help how we talk.

    I am getting nervous now the date is finally coming. But at least I kept  my promise and I have done everything I could for this.

    July 21, 2024 at 10:20 am #435201
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    “whenever I feel the possibility of being abandoned and the insecurity, I became angry and as Anita suggested before, I made the close-one my enemy“, “With more time apart I feel she does not need me… “-

    – I bet she doesn’t need the part of you that made her the enemy (I’ll call this part of you Clara-the-Enemy).

    “I feel she is not reacting the same as before. A bit cold.. May be she wants to break up? Or may be it’s been a while that she needs warm up“- maybe she feels a bit cold about meeting with Clara-the-Enemy.

    I suggest that when you meet with her next, leave behind Clara-the-Enemy, and present to her only the part of you that she used to love (maybe still): Clara-the-Friend.

    anita

    July 21, 2024 at 11:25 am #435203
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi anita

    thanks

    i cannot sleep and keep waking up, affected by her reaction may be.

    I fear  that she does not love me anymore. not the clara the enemy, but clara the friendly

    she might have given up on the relationship completely, that is how i feel

    I will try to stay open minded, but this thougt is pulling me down

     

    July 21, 2024 at 11:36 am #435205
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are welcome. Fear will keep you up at night, I understand. Maybe The Serenity Prayer will fill you with some much needed serenity (it helped me countless times): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things In cannot change,

    the courage to change the things I can,

    and the wisdom to know there difference.

    anita

    July 21, 2024 at 12:18 pm #435210
    Chau
    Participant

    thanks anita

    i guess i am not ready to accept the fact that she is leaving indeed

    we have been together for quite a while, still shocked me that 5.5 of relatinship can vanish like that

     

    July 21, 2024 at 5:18 pm #435211
    Chau
    Participant

    hi all

    I only slept for a few hours last night. I think she is leaving me, but at the same time I cannot think this is the case, this is really torturing

    I started to wonder what is the use of hanging in there, to reflect and digest. i know this is just my frustration talking, still I am very heart broken and I just wish to talk sooner, to either continue or end this

    I really do not have a good feeling about this from the way she talks

    Just venting out a bit, thanks all

    July 21, 2024 at 7:51 pm #435215
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Clara. i will reply further Mon morning (Sun evening here). May the Force be with You, Clara (a Star Wars saying)!

    anita

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