Home→Forums→Relationships→Taking a break
- This topic has 249 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 9 hours ago by
anita.
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July 22, 2024 at 2:16 am #435224
HelcatParticipantHi Clara
Yes, when we have difficult childhoods we are not taught self-love, we are taught self-hatred. If a parent tells a child that they are bad. Well it must be true says the child my parent said so!
I’m glad that practicing self-love and caring for your inner child has been helpful. Keep learning more and more about self-love. It will heal you.
Yes, practicing managing difficult conversations during the meeting could be helpful. 30 minutes, 5 minutes talking each in turn with the other partner listening.
If she breaks up with you she will have to move out of your house. She could go and stay in a hotel if that happens. Or with a friend or family member.
Remember that you have not had many positive interactions recently. Before you moved out things were very difficult between you. Positive interactions are needed. Many positive interactions. At least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction is recommended for a healthy relationship.
If things go well in the meeting, she may consider trying. But seeing a therapist so you have an outlet to discuss difficulties that arise, so you are not tempted to immediately discuss them with your partner might be a good idea. The key to healing the relationship will be focusing on nurturing positive interactions and limiting negative ones. So you can both be happy. Discussing problems should happen over time piece by piece in a way that limits how much stress you are both under.
It is tempting to worry about breaking up, but the truth is that you will be fine no matter what happens. Whether you stay with your partner or face the unknown of being single and in time dating again. It will turn out for the best regardless of what happens. If things are not meant to be it would not happen. So wait and see what is going to happen next, what does fate hold in the cards for you?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 22, 2024 at 2:27 am #435225
ChauParticipantDear Helcat,
Thanks for your kind words. This is a good direction. I guess I am not ready for the break up, and thus I am really afraid of the negative(for me) outcome.
I guess she will talk with me anyways, even if she decided to break up. I don’t know if that makes any difference, but I will try to stay positive no matter what
Thank you
July 22, 2024 at 4:04 am #435226HelcatParticipantHi Clara
You might be afraid and see a break up as negative. For sure it would hurt and take some time to heal from. But you are a good person and deserve a partner who loves and appreciates you. If she cannot give you those things, breaking up is for the best.
In time you would find someone else who can give you those things and in the meantime you can learn to treat yourself in that way too.
You are strong Clara, it might not seem that way to you. But you survived a difficult childhood and came out of it ready to grow and heal. You are not letting it hold you back. Nothing can keep you down forever.
You don’t need to be ready for a breakup. It might not happen. Anticipating pain will not protect you from it. You are protected by taking care of yourself and treating yourself with love.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 22, 2024 at 7:06 am #435232
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“I fear that she does not love me anymore… I am really afraid of the negative (for me) outcome“- if she doesn’t break up with you, if she tells you that the relationship is on again, what will your reaction be?
I imagine that you will be much relieved, the fear gone, at that moment. Will you thank her, will you promise to be good..?
The problem, as I see it, is a serious power imbalance within the relationship, if it resumes (and anger on your part about the imbalance).
I am not saying that she planned to have power over you, but this is how it turned out to be. It seems like she’s been calm during the break and you can’t sleep, fretting, dependent on her Yes, or No.
From psychology today/ power imbalances in relationships explained: “Why is it that we often find ourselves in romantic quagmires, where one person just seems to care more about the relationship than the other? The answer boils down to the principle of least interest. In 1938, sociologist Willard Waller coined this theory on the belief that most couples are not equally committed or invested in a relationship—therefore, the person who is less committed has more control over what happens to the relationship”.
You’ve been focusing on her Yes or No, but look farther than that point. Her Yes (to the relationship) may be more of a problem than a No.
During these last days of the break, please empower yourself, so that you are a strong, powerful Clara when you meet her.
anita
July 22, 2024 at 8:14 pm #435262ChauParticipantHello Anita
Thanks.
I am indeed focusing on her YES or NO, honestly, i probably wouldn’t know how to respond to her YES, if she just comes back and says so. I have been thinking if she would say YES or NO, but not what comes after, probably too beyond my ability when I was constantly fretting.
I am aware this is a two person job. I think it’s not working if it’s just me.
I mean obviously we will need to work on things. This is what we agreed to do before the break, that we take this time to take a rest, see how we can navigate the problems that we have, and then we come together to decide the next step. My constant fear has taken a toll on me, I mean I have been working very hard on my self development, which is along the path that we have discussed. But yes, I am too afraid and thus obsessed with what will happen, rather than what’s happening.
I will try to be stronger when I meet her.
July 23, 2024 at 5:58 am #435266anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome.
“I am aware this is a two person job… My constant fear has taken a toll on me, I mean I have been working very hard on my self development, which is along the path that we have discussed. But yes, I am too afraid and thus obsessed with what will happen, rather than what’s happening“- fear causes a person to run away (Flight), Fight, or Freeze (as in being stuck obsessing, fretting). Neither is congruent with self- development or with relationship-development, as in working together as a team for the benefit of both.
“I will try to be stronger when I meet her.“- this sentence brings to my mind one of Yoda’s famous saying from one of the Star Wars movies: “Do. Or do not. There is no try“.
I know how powerful fear can be. I feel fear every day living in a world as troubled and in places, as horribly violent as it is. But we must not give in to fear, to not surrender to it, to not submit to what we’re afraid of.
Fear cannot be overcome with obsessing and freezing (inaction, passivity), but by strength from the inside of a person, strength and courage.
She shouldn’t be this powerful in your mind and heart: The One whose Yes means life, and No means a death of sorts. She shouldn’t have this power. I don’t think (from what you shared) that she wants to have this power over you.
Maybe you can visualize her not as an entity looming large above, but as a person on your level, one like many millions of people.
anita
July 25, 2024 at 2:02 am #435355ChauParticipantDear Anita
I think I gave this power out as I thought this was the way to preserve the stability/ our relationship. But I think giving up power(she or I equally so ) may not be the way to go.
I have bee preparing myself mentally, on how to interact with her when I see her. I seriously don’t know what will come up. At this point, I lean towards wanting to stay together, but this does not come out to be this, I feel I have done my best already.
I was very disorientated at the beginning of the month, and now finally settling down. I don’t know how I could do better, given the situations and history/ background i was in.
i am tempted to think she wants to break up, to imagine the worst(which as Helcat said i thought that might protect me against the worst), but I try not to . Honestly, when I think if she says she wants to be together, I am equally unsure how to react, I probably should prepare myself for this as well, or may be just play be the ear then.
Thanks all, I will update soon
July 25, 2024 at 6:47 am #435358anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“I think I gave this power out as I thought this was the way to preserve the stability/ our relationship. But I think giving up power (she or I equally so ) may not be the way to go“- if she is open to resume-and-improve the relationship, the topic of power may be the place to start: how to be fairly and equally powerful in your own and in each other’s lives.
Today is exactly a month since you started this thread (June 25) and by the time I submit this post, it will be the same time (hour and minute) as you submitted your first, original post!
On your 2nd post (June 25) on this thread, you expressed distrust in her: “Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but sometime I also double if she just wants to use this time to break up…. she is not as openly gay as I am. I am out to most of my friends, she is not, her concern is on work? and possibly still unsure of me as a long term partner? unsure“.
The first time you mentioned her was on Oct 7, 2018, in your thread I met a girl who has a partner (at the time you were not yet in a relationship), and there was already distrust then and there (” She, accordingly to her… This has also reminded me to a certain extend, what I was feeling when I was cheated“).
How can you equally share power with a person you don’t trust?
Back to today, July 25, 2024: “At this point, I lean towards wanting to stay together… when I think if she says she wants to be together, I am equally unsure how to react“- you may want to say: let’s talk about trust!
From psychology today/trust: “Trust—or the belief that someone or something can be relied on to do what they say they will—is a key element of social relationships and a foundation for cooperation. It is critical for romantic relationships, friendships, interactions between strangers, and social groups on a large scale, and a lack of trust in such scenarios can come with serious consequences. Indeed, society as a whole would likely fail to function in the absence of trust.”.
anita
July 28, 2024 at 1:02 am #435440ChauParticipantHi all
She decided she wanted to break up
First thing she said, was how she appreciated the space i gave her, i memtioned about the thing i work on about my insecurity, she said we did have a direction but she doesnt have the feeling for lover for me, she doesnt like me anymore, thats what she finally said. She was too tired to try anymore. She wants her freedom and the feeling of not needing to bound with anyone.
she said she only decided a couple of days. I was very upset and I asked with the new information would make a difference. she said it might happen, but even if we need to start anything, we start from zero, which is she needs to break up first.
she didnt plan for the night, she expected me to just go home after talking in my house. i said i could not go back and wander around anymore
How my past month has taken a toll on me, she slept on the cough for the night and i slept in the end. she moved to a hotel from today on
Before she left, I was looking at the things around in the house, I burst into tears saying everything here has a memory of you, it is really tough on me. i hugged her and cried so hard
I am unsure how i feel now, i expected this but i guess it still hurts
July 28, 2024 at 1:33 am #435442HelcatParticipantHi Chau
I’m sorry to hear that you both broke up and it is very painful for you.
Well done on standing up for yourself and not leaving your house and arranging for her to go to a hotel. This is the healthiest thing that can happen.
You are in my thoughts. Please take extra care of yourself during this difficult time. I don’t know if you are interested but it may be helpful to speak to that therapist to help you with the break up. Loss of a relationship is a trauma and grieving comes with that. Therapists can provide an excellent temporary support at times like this, if you wish.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 28, 2024 at 1:40 am #435443ChauParticipantHello Helcat
thanks, may be a therapist would help indeed
i will try to find a time
Clara
July 28, 2024 at 4:43 am #435446HelcatParticipantGood luck Clara! I hope it helps
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 28, 2024 at 6:08 am #435449anitaParticipantDear Clara:
The Wait is over, this part (waiting) must be a relief.. is it?
“I was very upset and I asked with the new information would make a difference, she said it might happen, but even if we need to start anything, we start from zero, which is she needs to break up first“- please don’t wait for her to start from zero: no more Waiting for her.
“She said she only decided a couple of days… She didn’t plan for the night, she expected me to just go home after talking in my house. I said I could not go back and wander around anymore“- strange that for 2 days, it didn’t occur to her that she should look for a place, so that you can have your home back. Good for you asserting yourself!
“I expected this but I guess it still hurts“- it hurts. The hurt will lessen over time and you will feel better. New life experiences are waiting for you as long as.. you are not waiting for her.
This morning I came across a post you submitted on Aug 1, 2016, way before you met your now ex-partner. You wrote back then: “I think I should just take good care of myself and heal from the trauma done to me, in order to feel love again… I have a reputation of forgetting learned lesson and fall into the same trap because of emotions etc.“- please take good care of yourself at this time, almost 8 years later, and remember learned lessons.
Please post anytime you’d like to share about how you are feeling, lessons learned, and more.
anita
July 28, 2024 at 11:23 pm #435462ChauParticipantHi all
This is a tough time.
Before i left home yesterday morning , she said she would like to do the laundry, and i said ok, expecting she will hang the clothes and take care of the whole thing. When I went home, the clothes were still in the washing machine, I stood there for a while and I thought this is so tough. This reminds me of how I did laundry for both us when we were together, while she has broken up with me, the laundry is still around and emotional it was too much for me, do I even need to take care of her laundry even after she said she wanted to break up with me? although hanging some clothes might seem an easy task.
Before she left, she said she would try to pack things this Friday, but when I am really faced with her stuffs around in the house, i feel very bad. They are all reminders of her presence in the house.
I can’t handle this and I think she needs to know, it may be pure oblivious, but I think she seems not aware of the repercussions of the break up and she is not aware that there are something she needs to do, if she were to make the decision to break up(e.g. stay in somewhere else, move her things awasy)
I called her at the end, asked if she could get her things earlier. I understand where she is coming from, that she wanted to discuss with me on Sat and then have a final decision. She also thought if she moved things away so soon, I would feel very hurt. She said it was very tough for her to move her stuffs away as well, emotionally it is very triggering for her.
I understand her perspective, but I don’t know how to face her stuffs at home. It is hard for us either way.
it is very tough for me .
July 28, 2024 at 11:43 pm #435463HelcatParticipantHi Chau
I’m sorry that this process is difficult for you. It is not a good situation for you that she expects you to take care of her laundry and hasn’t thought about actually leaving despite telling you that she wants to break up.
It’s a bit mind boggling to me that she has no problem breaking up and breaking your heart, but packing her own things is a trigger for her.
What final decision does she want to have? Is she trying to change her mind about the breakup now that she has been asked to leave? Or is she deciding when she wants to pack her stuff?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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