Home→Forums→Relationships→Taking a break
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July 29, 2024 at 12:12 am #435464ChauParticipant
Hi Helcat
Thanks for your reply.
I think she forgot about this, but it is often these oblivious actions that hurt me. She thought it was ok for me to hang them, which triggered me to really call her to tell, that this is really not ok.
I feel the same, that she said she decided to leave, but then it seems she has not thought about what that means. She decided to take a break, and she does not seem to know what that means, even after more than a month. When she really needs to move things, she seems pretty devastated, I am really unsure why and how should I react to it.
She didn’t mention changing her mind. After yesterday she said she would try to arrange movers by the weekend.
Clara
July 29, 2024 at 1:04 pm #435534anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“When she really needs to move things, she seems pretty devastated, I am really unsure why and how should I react to it“- it’s possible that she is devastated, not by the breakup of the relationship, but by having to move out: having to find a different place to live. Maybe she didn’t pay you any rent or expenses, and will have to pay such in the next place. Maybe she paid little rent & such to you, and will have to pay significantly more elsewhere, and that’s what’s devastating her..?
anita
July 29, 2024 at 4:00 pm #435541ChauParticipanthi anita
she did pay enough rent to me. financially we are independent and this should not boher her
I should correct, when she packed she seems ok, but when i asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears si badly,that she said she said it was very tough on her
Clara
July 29, 2024 at 5:15 pm #435542ChauParticipanthello
It can totally be something else that she is upset about, may be she is mourning over the relationship. she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesnt have feelings for me. and even if anything that is possible between us, we have to break up first
it is hard for me to hear things like these( she does not want to let go and we may have a chance later?) it is confusing for me when i heard them. she is the person who decided on the break, its been a couple of years so i get where these feelings came from. but i think she really did not think through the whole process, from her word, she said the last week of her break she scratched her head to think for an answer. i feel like she herself did not take the time to think through, which i think I am the person who needs to bear with her not so well thought process. ( the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me)
now i need to deal with the grief and also needed to help her think how to arrange stuffs etc. i am a bit frustrated by her but sad that she had to leave. but at the same time i cared a lot for her so i tried not to make this too tough on her by givinh her time to move things
this is so tough really
July 29, 2024 at 5:53 pm #435543anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-
– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?
“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.
“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?
anita
July 29, 2024 at 6:24 pm #435546ChauParticipantDear Anita
Thanks for your prompt reply.
Honestly I am unsure of what is it exactly that she can’t let go. may be the house as you said. it’s filled with memories of us and we kind of built this together. Or simply the comfort of it. I got this house partly because this is very close to my mom’s place, very close to her work place, I hoped to give her some stability as she is constantly moving every one or two years since she is just renting a place outside.
I doubt if she can tell me what she can’t let go of, and there is probably no need to figure out unless I am terribly bothered by it to a point I can’t move on.
Last night when I went home and my first sight was the sofa, and that I see images of her sitting there watching TV, which is my usual sight for the past couple of years. I cried so hard. But I felt today, I am more able to face that image again, like I have cried over the idea that she would ever sit in that sofa.
I will probably change that sofa anyways, and some of the things at home as much as possible. so that I have a fresh start.
I already booked a therapy session, to review this.
This past month I have digged out a lot of the my past issues, during my trip, I was thinking i should have something to remind myself, It happens my friend’s friend, who is a tattooist is coming to Hong kong for guest tattooing. I decided to talk to her to see if I can come up with a small pattern that helped me. The conversation was very nice and I trust that I am in good hands. I am 41 this year, and I feel nervous yet quite excited, to finally do this. It will be a small pattern on my arm. I think I have learned a lot this month.
Another thing that I thought of, is to adopt a cat/dog. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but then she doesn’t really like animals. Now that she is gone, I might proceed with e cat/ dog. I want to give these otherwise abandoned animals a proper home.
Thanks all, I know I will have ups and downs but I also know I will get better at the end.
July 29, 2024 at 6:52 pm #435548anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome! “Last night when I went home and my first sight was the sofa, and that I see images of her sitting there… I cried so hard. But I felt today, I am more able to face that image again, like I have cried over the idea that she would ever sit in that sofa“- you are gradually accepting a new reality. It takes time to accept and adjust. You are doing well.
“I already booked a therapy session, to review this“- good thing, well done!
“I am 41 this year, and I feel nervous yet quite excited, to finally do this. It will be a small pattern on my arm“- I am excited for you!
“I think I have learned a lot this month“- I focus on learning in my own life every day, and it makes my life better!
“Another thing that I thought of, is to adopt a cat/dog. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but then she doesn’t really like animals. Now that she is gone, I might proceed with a cat/ dog. I want to give these otherwise abandoned animals a proper home“- a new tattoo, a new pet.. I am excited for your new beginnings, and for the fortunate pet who will be taken in by you!
anita
July 29, 2024 at 10:19 pm #435552ChauParticipantDear Anita
Thank you
I am trying, I think it takes time, I don’t know how long. But I am accepting the new reality gradually.
When I reviewed the relationship, I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels about the relationship as of now ,but she didn’t plan for what she wanted to achieve in the longer run. For her, as long as it’s happy here and now, that’s ok for her, there is no need to plan for the future so much
As for me, I do plan for having a companion/ partner in the long run. I would plan financially/ do other things(such as the flat) to achieve this. This may be unconscious, but I think this is very different for the two of us. And may be that’s why, when the feelings are gone for her, she chose not to continue rather than continue to work on it, even though she said I have the quality of a long term partner, but long term isn’t for her at the moment. She wants her freedom back.
For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment. Am I being too impulsive? This is something permanent and I feel I shouldn’t take it lightly. As the day gets closer I am beginning to question as well. Feels like I am not in the place where I have clear thoughts.
I am saying this because as compared with cat/ dog, I do have a stronger feelings for it. I do not have as much reservation to adopt, than to do a tattoo. Although realistically, the responsible of having a pet is a lot bigger than having a tattoo(i basically just need to be responsible for myself for that)
Thanks for all the input, really appreciate all of your input
July 30, 2024 at 12:54 am #435554HelcatParticipantHi Clara
I’m sorry that things are so difficult at the moment. It sounds like you have some good plans to help manage your feelings.
It is difficult to overcome problems in a relationship when someone is just focused on whether they are happy or not. Being happy is nice and overall something to want. But when serious relationship difficulties occur happiness isn’t a big feature. The decision is whether or not to work hard and try to make things better. Things can be difficult for a time until you start to see the hard work paying off. I’m sorry that she chose to give up. As a long term partner, that is very difficult to be on the receiving end of.
I have always wanted a tattoo. I kept changing my mind about the image, so I had a rule for myself. If I can be happy with my decision for 6 months I should get it. Perhaps a similar rule may be helpful for deciding for you?
It sounds like you have been dreaming of having a pet for a long time. Perhaps this is why you are more confident with that decision? Would you prefer a dog or a cat? If a dog, what kind? The different kinds have very distinct qualities and energy levels. It is important to pick something that suits your lifestyle.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 30, 2024 at 2:26 am #435559ChauParticipantThanks Helcat
Yes It’s a shame, may be I didn’t really think clearly about this.
She probably has always been like this, but has convinced herself that she wants a long term relationship.
I didn’t notice this as well. It is also possible that we just let the love feelings slip away, either I am overreacting, she is being oblivious, we didn’t manage these properly and our feelings just gone like that.
You may be right about the tattoo, I feel like I am having second thoughts today, because this seems like a pretty rush decision. It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away. I may have that inside of me, rather than I genuinely want a tattoo. I take this seriously as this is permanent, and I guess I always have a second chance. I did share my hesitation with the tattooist, and she is nothing but empathetic and understanding. She asked me to decide and do so unapologetically.
As for the pet, yes, I think I am happy with the adoption a lot more, and I like to change other’s life to the better, pets included
Talk soon
Thanks
July 30, 2024 at 6:16 am #435562anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome! “I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels“- your next relationship should be with a woman who shares your relationship goals, and that’s not her.
“For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment“- my tattoo-commentary: where you put it (location) is very important. The other day, in a belly dancing/ Hafla event, the event planner (she is maybe 60) was dressed in a beautiful red costume that went so well with a large red flower tattoo on her back and up her left shoulder. It looked elegant on her. Years ago, I saw a large man in a swimming pool with a tattoo of a naked woman across his belly and up to his chest, not a good location.
“It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away“- I would get a haircut and throw some things away, if I was you, and rethink the tattoo and pet adoption in a few weeks or a month from now.
anita
July 31, 2024 at 6:49 pm #435665ChauParticipantHi all
Thanks.
I have postponed the tattoo indeed. I think I should give it more time and also, under my current state, I think anything that is so permanent, will make me recall the current status I am in. I think this may not be the right time.
Yesterday she texted me on the logistics of moving away. She said she heard me and would try to make the timeline work, which is to move all her stuffs away by this weekend. She has already rented a place. I feel she is trying very hard to leave indeed. On one hand, I appreciate her taking what I said, on the other hand, I feel like I don’t want to let her go, seeing her stuff not around empty would be an indication of that.
My heart hurts, knowing that she doesn’t have feelings or love me anymore.
July 31, 2024 at 7:12 pm #435667anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome!
“I have postponed the tattoo indeed…. I think anything that is so permanent, will make me recall the current status I am in“- I didn’t think about that, excellent point, definitely not the right time for a tattoo!
“Yesterday she texted me on the logistics of moving away… She has already rented a place… on the other hand, I feel like I don’t want to let her go, seeing her stuff not around empty would be an indication of that. My heart hurts, knowing that she doesn’t have feelings or love me anymore.“- the faster she moves out, the better. I too appreciate that she seems to accommodate you by moving her things sooner than later.
And I understand your heartache over lost love, and the difficult time you are going through. There is a saying: The Only Way Out is Through, and you are going through a break up. Be strong, you will find yourself sometime in the future, maybe sooner than you expect, feeling so much better.
anita
July 31, 2024 at 7:59 pm #435671ChauParticipantThanks Anita
Now that everyone is finalized, I feel a sense of lost indeed. Previously there were still things that I could think of. Now that this is all so clear, I have a sense of lost, on top of the sad over the lost love/ anger towards her inconsiderate request when we broke up/ etc etc
I would still imagine after the break up, we could still have a chance that we would be better in the future, especially after the thoughts that we have put into it. It think it’s normal, as much as i want to let her go asap, I still know a part of me is with her.
I hope what you say comes true, soon. thank you
July 31, 2024 at 8:01 pm #435672ChauParticipantI mean, when I asked her to move out sooner, i was very desperate seeing her stuff around. When this really happens, I feel a sense of lost. I will try my best to get through this
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