Hi Anita

Thanks for your insight always.

I want to clarify: Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?

Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box. i think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well, but I guess she treated me as partner and think she ‘should’ take more care of me. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed.

I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require, may be she knew i needed affirmation so she just did it and put the feelings away. She called this ‘let the feelings just go’ but in hindsight, she didn’t really let them go. She might not even realize they were there, but they probably were. This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore.

She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion. I trusted that and I thought we were stable, thus she did not need those these anymore. But now, the reason she proposed a break up was she lost ‘feelings’ for me. And I think back, aren’t the things that she mentioned she did not need, were one of the thing that caused the feeling slip away? Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away? i dunno.

At  a point I thought to myself: This person did not really know what she was feeling and wanting. From all the situations above, as well as from this break up. She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she need to move out (may be she just didn’t want to deal with the logistic etc i dunno) as if she did not know breaking up = I won’t be there to help with laundry/ help her take care of the movers; she needed to move out from the house.

I think your last paragraph: This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. I resonate with that a lot. She seems to be using compartmentalization ineffectively, and thus it takes her almost a month and a half of break, to think of a situation which she knew a month and a half ago, which was that she didn’t have feelings for me.

I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations(she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed).

After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly. May be in her perspective, I just said I wanted to join in that morning. her trip was planned some times ago, she needed a getaway, she did not expect I would ask her to move out that quickly, It was tough for her to find a place and manage work at the same time. Things were just out of control. For me, all these are a matter of planning and priority. For her, she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well.

My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better.

thanks all

Hi Anita

Thanks for checking in. I feel ok, obviously I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutal/ calm than downs.

I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do, I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot for not thinking ahead, at the time she was late in moving her stuffs etc(saying this I still stand for myself in saying she handles this in sloppy way, for me it’s a basic respect but i think i should just point that out directly,  instead of saying she is an idiot)

Re the secure attachment, it is very interesting to see how once that episode of secure attachment with my mom when I was 8 or 9 year old was realized, more episodes of positive ones emerged even with my then very emotional explosive father. I can  recall scenarios where he is being a ‘father figure’ and took care and protected me. My friend said we all have comfirmation bias so may be once I didn’t focus on the scary/ negativies family situations, I recalled a lot more positive ones. I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed.

There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously i felt easier irritated by little things.

So i think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me. It made me dig into my past and help to amend things.

The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As asian we don’t really show that much affection, so it has been, I dun even know how many years that I gave her a proper hug. Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation, without feeling awkward at all, and I think she enjoyed the hug as much as I did. I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked.

My secure attachment has reminded me of the movie inside out. where Riley built her core memory/ personality island because she was so sad that she lost her game, and her family and friends hugged her and soothed. I think this is similar case to me, where my mother hugged and soothed me when I was upset, and this should have built my ‘family island’

The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system so well that it is hard to believe i just broke up with my partner of 5 years only two weeks ago. I think it’s because I am not adding extra burden to myself by the usual fear / sadness of abandonment habit. I think I have let go of that storyline.

I got myself some plants today, she doesn’t prefer too many plants since she doesn’t like to have too many things at home. now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things i like. i am actually quite happy about some changes that are happening at home

So, thanks for asking anita, I will update again. Or ask again if you are curious of how I am 🙂

Dear Anita,

Hi, can’t believe another week has passed by.

I am slowly adjusting to my pace. I begin to get used to being alone in the house. Honestly I have always been a person who can be alone. I travel alone, i watch movie alone, i go jog alone, and enjoy it. I enjoy being with her since I also be myself, most of the time, or at least happily accommodate most of the time when I was with her. But otherwise, I actually can be by myself.

There were days when I thought about the past and her, and that there was a few times i burst into tears. Yesterday she returned something and put it in the lobby of my building. I don’t know why but I cried immediately when I stepped foot in my flat. I think this is another evidence that she is not coming back, probably that’s why. She still has something left in my flat, I realized today when I was digging things out. I guess she missed that part of the flat.

If she came back today, I think I would still want to be together. I still miss her quite a lot, and my heart aches from to time.However, I also feel that I am moving on to find myself and to try to see other people and the world. Not that I would  committ to anything or anyone at this point, or actively looking for a relationship. but I guess it’s not harm to see the world and explore it a bit. O

On top of the plant, I also got some photos of my family and my travel, and I hang them around the house. I feel this made the flat belongs to me a bit more.

Hope all is well on your side.

Clara

Hello Anita

What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?

I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.

for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.

this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.

the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.

i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.

the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.

i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle

thanks for listening