Dear Anita,

Yes I am feeling much better physically today, my fever finally broke last night and I was able to get a full nights rest. I am at work today, still having some symptoms but truthfully cannot afford to miss work right now.

“In real-life, bad characters have moments of feeling and acting on genuine affection for others, and this is why real-life is more confusing than cartoons.”

This makes sense objectively, but certainly feels confusing when in it. Although I do believe I am only getting farther and farther from it, which I hope like many things means it will only get clearer and clearer.

“The above is an extreme example, but it applies to everyone. Notice that he felt genuine affection to a 100% obedient dog.”

Trying to fit the mold so that you will receive genuine affection, and the mold = hatch’s cage…

“An emotional manipulator (the gaslighter/ perpetrator) and the emotionally manipulated (the gaslightee/victim) cannot possibly be soulmates.”

Part of the damage, I believe, in our gaslighter and gaslightee dynamic, is that it made me question my feelings a lot. I hope I can use the relationship as an example that often my feelings and intuition are right, but it has also shaken my confidence about my feelings. So when M made that insensitive comment, and it hurt my feelings, I suddenly felt weak, I felt like “am I too sensitive for this world? why are my feelings hurt left and right.” I knew she was being insensitive, but she also knew I wasn’t even a week into my breakup, I guess I expected more since she did say she would be there for me and I don’t think I have spoken about missing him at all until yesterday being sick and sore.

How do I begin to gain some self confidence in my intuition and feelings, do I need some tougher skin? N’s last words “So you’re breaking up with me cause I wasn’t delicate enough with you?” Am I too delicate? weak. Why are my feelings hurt easily and how do I become stronger, but at the same time not deny what is true? I am insecure that I am too delicate, and I am afraid this world can only harm me.. When I feel more invincible, after yoga, or just certain times of the month when estrogen sores, I feel less affected by others, but there are inevitably times I feel more sensitive, but just avoiding people doesn’t seem like the correct answer, often my temptation.

“Try to not place M in the bad-person-category and then reach out to N.”

I agree, I just feel I want more sympathy but I feel weak for even asking for that. I just cannot wait to go home on the 20th and hope my family can help me, when I told each of them about the breakup, I felt strong. I felt I could also see the person they were seeing, a mirror to myself of the strength as I heard the words coming from my mouth. My family reminds me I am strong, but I also think I have some self esteem work to do. I don’t want to need others, I am not sure how much I am suppose to need others, because I don’t want to be the type of person that says “I don’t need anybody” but I also definitely don’t want to be the opposite. this is a balance I struggle with, leaning more on the side of wanting others to be there for me, but am often disappointed..

I gave myself a hug 🙂 yes you are right, self love is what I need more than anything right now.

“Here is another quote that reads relevant: “Empaths may unknowingly get involved with toxic partners and become anxious, depressed, or ill. They give their hearts too easily to narcissists and other unavailable people. Empaths are loving and expect others to be that way, which doesn’t always happen. They also absorb their partner’s stress and emotions, such as anger or depression, simply by interacting with them,”.

You know what this makes me think, as an empath in a relationship with N, I must have taken on his stress for a long time. When he would get down his feelings were that he was not good enough, something his mom would tell him and make him feel. He did not like himself to take care of himself, his home environment only got messier when I left (something that stressed me out on more than one occasion). So to this point, I was taking alot of stress on this last year, especially living with him, and now, that I am away from it all I feel strange. I feel like I should be more sad or upset, but I am not. I wonder how much of my current thoughts are due to a lack of things to worry about… I wonder what the book would write about once an empath escapes someone who put a lot onto them.. thoughts?

“And another: ““You may also freeze around inauthentic people, which can convey aloofness — but this is clearly a protective device. “

I relate to this when speaking with N. When trying to express my feelings to him, his responses would leave me frozen sometimes, they confused me and I would be frozen trying to think of how to make him see. I get this way with my dad as well. It is very true, when speaking with authentic people, there is just a mutual understanding, where you don’t have to say everything they can intuitively fill in the gaps, these conversations take much less energy. With N or other people unable to be authentic, you have to spell it out for them, which is exhausting, but then, half of those times you spell it out they still do not understand, it can be so frustrating and exhausting that you give up and they say “why are you stressing yourself out” my authentic answer would be “for you.” I am definitely not going to miss this at all, and am proud I left this.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

In response to the first portion of your reply on December 9, 2023 at 7:22 am. The second half was very helpful to my trip home.

“When we people are confronted with behaviors that embarrass us, behaviors that are negative, we tend to explain why we behaved that way, explanations that shed positive light on us, and that’s fair for as long as the explanations are true and as long as we express regret for those behaviors. What N did was not to explain himself but to TOTALLY DENY what he did, aka GASLIGHTING.”

I need more confidence in my instincts because wow was I manipulated, this is very validating, that there is a difference between explaining and denying. There were many times when he would accuse my intentions behind an action and I would try to explain to him my true thinking, but he would call my explanations excuses. I would then reply, “no I just want you to understand me and why I do things” then he would say I had double standards because he was not allowed to explain (which was really denying) and I was allowed to explain (true explanations of why). I still apologized after though, that my actions affetced him negatively, but wanted him to understand me, a process I wish he did, but really he would excuse his actions and never/can’t currently remember a time of him apologizing.

It is sad. I wish I could fix him, help him to learn to take responsibility and see others pain. See the weight of words, and emotional instincts so that he could one day experience a soulmate, and in that understand my breaking up with him. I know these are just wishes, before I tried to make them come true and now I know I cannot. Every time I made a wish upon a star, candle, or blowing an eyelash away, “I wish that N can be my soulmate” in different words each time.

“- a mask that’s covering his eyes, so he can’t see you. You can’t remove his mask. He has to acknowledge first that he has a mask on, and then intend to remove it.. and then do the hard work that it’d take to remove it.”

This is a feeling I want to express, maybe in a painting…poem or song. The feeling of loving someone with a mask on and trying so desperately to take it off so he would see me. The feeling of feeling frozen when I suddenly see the mask, not knowing how to speak it’s language. Feeling relieved it is gone, confused how I didn’t see it for so long, sad that I am not sad.. I want to be sad, instead I feel ‘nothing with a dose of loneliness’, a good title haha.

In response to a few points I haven’t addressed yet from your reply December 8, 2023 at 10:58 am.

– very well expressed.. wow! (1) Your past gloriously positive expressions about N (“He is supportive… He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him… my partner is a stand up man, no question“, etc.), were your subconscious efforts to present him in such a way that readers will discourage you from breaking up with him.

-What is interesting about this is that although this must’ve played into efforts to discourage readers from suggesting a breakup, I was also wanting that response from people still. when you mentioned breaking up for the first time, I remember feeling relief. I was looking for validation that it was the correct thing to do. Also I am a firm believer that you cannot get good counseling if you do not express the truth, and the truth as I knew it at the time was him being innocent. He correctly portrayed his innocence, very well and I believed it. I also believed the people around us, friends and family, that saw the side of him that I portrayed to you in the beginning, who would say how perfectly balanced we were.

“…because you were not ready for a breakup, and you didn’t want the readers to suggest a breakup.”

This, I think is the truest reason as to why I presented him so positively only. What is so complex though, is like I said above I did consciously want someone to see the situation and validate my instincts to leave, but I didn’t know how to express it beyond; not having a shared sense of humor or deeply spiritual conversations. I wonder if these were a moment I would meet that inauthentic mask on N, because when I would try to guide our conversation to a more spiritual place, often his responses would be about something I was not necessarily talking about. Whereas when I talk to others they can follow me there, like M or even other acquaintances. I would instead feel sort of frozen with N as he redirected me and I was pulled out of my meditative conversational state.

“- it will help to reevaluate him as he truly is because if you understand that he has no empathy for you, you are not likely to have so much empathy for him. It is harmful for a victim to have empathy for a perpetrator: it’d be like a deer having empathy for a hungry mountain lion (and because of that empathy, presenting itself as food for the mountain lion).”

I have thought alot about hatch in this breakup and definitely do not want to have empathy for her mountain lion (let’s say shark). It is hurtful when someone defends a shark in your life, because it invalidates you and I don’t want to do this to myself. So I am open to evaluating my shark now. This creature has always been an interesting but very frightening creature for me. I once did not participate in a family vacation activity where they swam in the ocean in the dark to see manta-rays, out of my fear of sharks. I was the only one to not go, even my dads girlfriends two children at 7 and 9 years old! They eat Seaturtles, part of my evidence into believing I am a reincarnated seaturtle. I do not believe this so strongly, it is more of a little feeling that could be true, but who knows what really is true when these matters come to the surface. Anyways, is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N? I wonder, does evaluate mean to try to look behind his mask? Or evaluate him with the mask on.

“- it was a mistake to leave that poem for him because the love you expressed in that poem, the love for him, can only encourage him to contact you for another manipulative round, as he’d see it as his success in the art of manipulation.”

Do you think he knows he was manipulating?

– a gaslighter does not have love and respect for their victim, the gaslightee.

-when I would sense this lack of love or respect, I would bring it up to him and he would act as though I offended him. “How could you not feel loved after..” listing things like coming to see my family, being there when I cry etc. I would then get confused and think I was just ungrateful. I would mention the respect, and he would say “you think I would stay with someone I didn’t respect?” I would then think I was just projecting my what my father thought of me onto N.

Seaturtle

Anita,

“I wish you had in-person/ irl emotional support right now so that N does not seem to be your only option for irl comfort, and so that you don’t make a decision to contact him out of desperation.”

Yes me too. I think this is a particularly vulnerable time for me being sick and having to worry financially, when N would have my back if I was sick. He was kind and would tell me not to worry about the money right now and just to get better. Later I would probably regret having needed him, which is how I would also feel if I asked my dad.

“- You are having a difficult time, Seaturtle, in multiple ways. Can you ask your father for financial help, since he has plenty of money?….And are you taking care of yourself physically/ did you see a doctor on zoom or whatnot?”

He would lend me money if I asked but it would come with strings, and I would feel obligated to act in a certain way towards him again so that he felt gratitude for it. He has lofty expectations for gratitude, ways that I have to behave around him that can involve hatch in her cage…

I have not seen a doctor because I have had this sickness before and have been self medicating, but I have been taking care of myself best as I can. Drinking fluids, eating protein, showering, painting. Today I think I will attempt some yoga floor work at home that does not hurt my knee.

Seaturtle