Home→Forums→Relationships→Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships
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January 4, 2024 at 11:41 am #426743
seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
“This is an unexpected development, isn’t it, that the blood work came back inconclusive for cancer. It makes sense to have an MRI as soon as possible (today, tomorrow?) and if the result is a definite no-cancer, then remove the benign tumor alone. If there is cancer, then remove the whole ovary.”
Yes it was unexpected. This morning I decided to postpone the surgery so that I can get the imaging done first, because I want to preserve as much of the ovary as possible. I am a bit in thought/introspective and a little disapointed about how I was looking forward to getting it finally out and now I have to wait longer, also medical bills of an mri, but I think it was the best decision. I am proud of myself for choosing the patient option rather than just wanted to get it over with, an easier in the moment choice.
“* I wonder if a 2nd blood work is a good idea?”
So I said “inconclusive” because it was in a way, but not that doing it again would change anything. There is some sort of point system, that is confusing, but apparently there is only risk if your blood scores over a 5 and mine was 5.1. So my surgeon said she is 99% sure it is benign, but because it scored over 5, they have a certain procedure to follow.
“I just read about symptoms of estrogen deficiency in women. We don’t want hatchling to be moody, irritable or depressed, having hot flashes and night sweats.”
Exactly, I made the right decision for me 🙂 I read alot of studies one women having one ovary compared to two, and apparently there are only slight differences, such as one year earlier to menopause, which doesn’t concern me much. What concerns me is there not being enough research as far as all the functions estrogen has, not only in the reproductive system, but in cognitive function. Women with less estrogen are slightly more likely to have cognitive deficiencies with age, such as dementia. I have to accept that even if it is benign and she can try to preserve some of the ovary, the tumor is 15cm, which is considered very large and I will likely lose alot of it anyways, but hopefully not all! I will keep you updated as I find things out 🙂
“in the last sentence of your original post of this thread, Oct 6: “the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“, your higher self being your crown chakra, and your inner voice being its wisdom vibrating through you.”
Thank you for reminding me of my last sentence of my original post! It still resonates with me, and I do feel it is very true.
“It led me to a quote that resonated with me and said ‘I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.’“- it’s like I said those words, substituting type for write. ”
-Exactly me too haha, typing is better for me cause I can do it faster and more of it, writing tires my wrists faster haha.
“(2) The thought that he blocked your message, if he did, annoys me,”
It annoys me too, and it also reminds me of his immaturity as well as is teflon… by blocking my number he is literally trying to spray his heart with teflon.. I wonder the affects of this for him.
“(5) Your boredom, desire for drama and excitement, is about having a non-vibrating/ blocked sacral chakra. One way to get it to vibrate is to get engaged in a creative activity (acting in a play would’ve been great).”
It is interesting you bring this up, because just yesterday I was feeling like my sacral chakra needed an outlet, so I went and did a workout. I thought perhaps I could use this energy to get me to the gym? Because I think a main way my sacral energy can be expressed is when I feel good about myself, when I feel healthy and in my body, which working out does do for me. It is interesting that you bring up creative activity as vibrating the sacral needs, because recently I have not felt very artistically motivated or inspired, but this is also because of that lack of energy I brought up in my last post.
“Sex in a new relationship, a relationship approved by a board meeting of all chakras, headed by the crown chakra, is what I recommend for you!”
“A board meeting of all chakras” made me laugh haha, but it is true! headed by the crown chakra! I don’t feel all my chakras are united right now, which would make picking a sexual partner difficult. For example from my post last night it seems clear that my sacral and heart have different desires than my crown. I know little about the other chakras. My heart is not ready to be with another person though, I feel like I would have flashes of N at this point and it would have the potential to satisfy the sacral and crown while harming the heart. I need an activity that my crown agrees will simultaneously satisfy my heart and sacral chakra. Working out though, I don’t think my heart cares for that, I think that activity satisfies crown, sacral and probably root chakra in that it makes me feel grounded in my body.
Seaturtle
January 4, 2024 at 12:33 pm #426745
anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“apparently there is only risk if your blood scores over a 5 and mine was 5.1. So my surgeon said she is 99% sure it is benign, but because it scored over 5, they have a certain procedure to follow“, “I decided to postpone the surgery so that I can get the imaging done first“-
I think it’s the right decision because it’s only a 0.1 difference, and the surgeon is 99% sure it’s benign.
Which reminds me, and I don’t know how I didn’t remember earlier, but a couple or three years ago, I was told that I had a tumor “the size of a lemon” over one of my ovaries. I had blood tests and a very expensive MRI and what was discovered was that it was fibroids (benign) that sort of grew out of the uterus and ended up by an ovary. I was told that nothing needs to be done and that those fibroids will shrink over time.
“I think it was the best decision. I am proud of myself for choosing the patient option rather than just wanted to get it over with, an easier in the moment choice“- I agree, good job, thoughtful and patient Seaturtle!
“I read a lot of studies..“- a thoughtful, patient Seaturtle who educates herself on matters before making choices!
“It annoys me too, and it also reminds me of his immaturity as well as is teflon… by blocking my number he is literally trying to spray his heart with teflon.. I wonder the affects of this for him“- think of the effects of this for you, if you volunteered to a lifetime of being blocked in one way or another, leading to an across the board chakra blockage.
“Just yesterday I was feeling like my sacral chakra needed an outlet, so I went and did a workout. I thought perhaps I could use this energy to get me to the gym?“- reads like a good idea to me.
“‘A board meeting of all chakras’ made me laugh haha, but it is true! headed by the crown chakra!”- I was impressed myself with this particular crown chakra vibration that went through me.
“I don’t feel all my chakras are united right now… My heart is not ready to be with another person though, I feel like I would have flashes of N at this point and it would have the potential to satisfy the sacral and crown while harming the heart. I need an activity that my crown agrees will simultaneously satisfy my heart and sacral chakra. Working out though, I don’t think my heart cares for that…“- how about combining exercise and the writing (typing) of Love Poems. I remember the one you shared here, I liked it!
Good to read back from you so soon (heart chakra emoji)
anita
January 4, 2024 at 1:52 pm #426747seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
“I was told that nothing needs to be done and that those fibroids will shrink over time.”
Interesting, and whats more interesting is the majority of women I have told about the ovarian tumor have had one before too! or at least a relative who did, I am thinking they are very common but my issue is it is so large because I didn’t have my first ultrasound until a few months ago when it was spotted. I think it should be part of women’s yearly health to get an ultrasound, my doctor said they don’t get to 15cm over night at it has been growing for several years.
“- think of the effects of this for you, if you volunteered to a lifetime of being blocked in one way or another, leading to an across the board chakra blockage.”
True. and then again sad for him he won’t ever experience a woman who’s chakras are all open to him, a connection a partner of mine will be lucky to experience with me 😉
“- I was impressed myself with this particular crown chakra vibration that went through me.”
I love when this happens.
“- how about combining exercise and the writing (typing) of Love Poems. I remember the one you shared here, I liked it!”
Hmm this is an interesting idea and sounds like it would be a great combination, but I am struggling to get a vision of what exactly this would look like. How to combine exercise and art… I wonder if this was what yoga was providing me with. I have yet to go to another class do to the costs, but I do miss it and think it certainly was healing to my sacral and likely my heart as well! Oh this actually reminds me of the cycling class I used to go to back in washington, I have tried some in my new state but they aren’t as fun as the one I found there. That place was full of good people and they made the cycling into a dance, it was alot of fun, I miss it. I stopped doing it once i met N…perhaps cause he took over for my sacral and heart, something I got used to him providing and now I must find myself. Dancing sounds fun too, but like free style dancing with loud music and people, I’ve taken dance classes and I don’t like to be told how to dance ha. A concert would be alot of fun, but the cost of all these things is more than I have at the moment, after I get my surgery done and recovered I will look into adding another part time job to my schedule for the means to do fun things. I would love to find something I could create that would make money. I am open to ideas.
Seaturtle
January 4, 2024 at 2:03 pm #426748anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I need to be more focused so to read as attentively as I can, with open chakras, which I expect to happen in the morning. I will think about ideas for you doing something creative which will make money on my walk next.
anita
January 5, 2024 at 8:41 am #426759anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I thought about what I said I’ll think about. A disclaimer first: I am the last person in the world.. well, one of the last to ask about making money because of lack of personal experience and interest in the matter of making or earning money. Also, I didn’t research anything online in preparation for my answer. Here is my idea: Seaturtle the Influencer.
I met one influencer in-person a few months ago for the first time and spent a few hours around her, She introduced the word Influencer to me, or the term Online Influencer. Never heard of it before nor did I research it since. She, the Influencer had a strong Presence, and thinking chakras, I can see now that she had (real or the appearance of.. seemed real) a very vibrating heart chakra and her other chakras (sacral and crown, the only two other chakras I know something about) seemed to be vibrating in unison.
You, Seaturtle, are the most chakra vibrating in-unison member I ever communicated with here in the forums, and for a long time. You stand out this way big time. So, therefore, I thought that you have something to offer many people, many thousands, maybe much more, particularly perhaps young people who feel lost in the world of conflict, war and a climate that’s becoming hotter, drier and/ or crazy. Many influencers make money, some make a lot of money (I imagine that primarily sacral vibrations are common among the latter, which has always- since biblical times- a way to make money, and I do not recommend to you, of course).
Now to the rest of your yesterday’s post: “I think it should be part of women’s yearly health to get an ultrasound, my doctor said they don’t get to 15cm over night at it has been growing for several years“- part of preventive care, yes. Wikipedia/ ovarian tumor mentions a 112 lbs. ovarian tumor removed from a 31-year-old patient from Pennsylvania back in 1882. She weighed 187 lbs. before the removal, and 75 lbs. after, so it reads (really???)<sup id=”cite_ref-11″ class=”reference”></sup>
“True. and then again sad for him he won’t ever experience a woman who’s chakras are all open to him, a connection a partner of mine will be lucky to experience with me“- a man lacking the receptors for your chakra vibrations, or a man with Teflon guards around such receptors… will not experience them. Maybe just a bit here and there, a vibration that happens to bypass a guard, in this or that moment, temporarily.
“Dancing sounds fun too, but like free style dancing with loud music and people, I’ve taken dance classes and I don’t like to be told how to dance ha“- I can’t dance in any way other than free style, I can’t follow dance instructions, don’t have that ability. I can see how you- even if you are able to follow such instructions- you wouldn’t, being a free spirit, not wanting to submit to rules (dance rules)?
anita
January 5, 2024 at 9:25 am #426760seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
I have not yet read your last reply but I journaled last night and this morning and I am going to paste it here.
Last night I found out he did in fact block me. I had to go on Instagram to find an overnight oat recipe that I wanted to make. However I have the app deleted on my phone because I don’t want myself to see N’s profile or anything that reminds me of him, so I re-downloaded it for the recipe. He deleted the picture of us that he posted, the only picture he even posted of us, calling me his dream. Since he had the service to delete this picture he clearly is within cell service and my message didn’t send because I am in fact blocked, This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following.
Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches.
Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me. The opposite of him with a girl feels disgusting to me and disrespectful. I doubt it is what he is doing though. I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before. I want him to be alone. I wish he would see his faults in the relationship and how he could have treated me better, but I don’t care as much for that as I do that he is in pain and homesick just like me. And that he is agonizing lonely and that he misses me.
I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates and we had moments of disconnect and I halted trusting him before then… So that is not what justified his behavior, he would have been that with even with the respect he possibly had before February and march.
I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house. But he has to know that right? What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding. Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times. He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me. The way he said the c word at my face, basically telling me I should be stronger than to let a word bother me, He was quite literally annoyed with me for being bothered. Why was he so annoyed, it had to of been because it had happened too many times before and he wasn’t saying it in those moments and it built up to this moment of saying the c word again and again, affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you. I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself, cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways. But the problem was still that even in that dinner, a place where we were setting the pace for vulnerability, something I did feel he put effort into, however only very rarely. A place of vulnerability where I again brought up the hurt it brought me when he said that word to me and how he treated me on thanksgiving with the money at the store, the problem is he still never apologized. I even gave him a third time to apologize at the actual time of the breakup and he still couldn’t.
There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right? But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us
-Our camping trips
-our road trips where we went on adventures together
-The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me
-That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues
-When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone.
-When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled
– When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions.
-When we worked together on something, like the planter box we made and painted together
-How much I missed him while he was away on his ski trip for 3 weeks last year.
-How many things we did get through and at the end felt so bonded, like when his car broke down and he was under the car to try to fix it and when he finally came up he looked so defeated, oil in his hair and his cute little face as I grabbed him to comfort him. On that trip he often offered to get me a hotel while he fixed everything, but I always refused because I felt that was a battle I needed to fight with him, and how that meant so much to him, I could see it in his eyes “someone who isn’t gonna leave me when it gets hard”
But I did, I left, because it was too hard to make him see me and I gave up on the possibility. Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon? My mind hadn’t rested in over 8 months though, and he still couldn’t see how his behavior affected me.. I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger. jI am just angry he could not fix himself for me. Because we would have been so much stronger if he was able to see how I was growing myself and decided to follow, again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me. If he followed me and decided to look within as well we could have been so strong why couldn’t he do it?? He instead let me grow alone, but didn’t even see it and doubted me.
This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime. But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… like I feel guilty for letting the guilt go. I broke up with the person that is all the things I listed above, and yes the bad parts too, but the guilt comes from how I left that person (the list of good memories). He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him? I was thinking about him. If he was a really sensitive emotional person I would have handled the breakup different and tried to be softer, but if I was soft with n he would have seen that as I wasn’t sure. He would have tried to comfort me, OR WORSE he would have rolled his eyes and left me like that. Maybe I didn’t do it for him, maybe I did it for me, because I didn’t trust his behavior enough to be vulnerable. But I miss him. But I don’t want him back. I want his ghost to sit next to me and comfort me, The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me? With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right? I would rather him be sad than angry. Because angry means he hates me, but he should hate his behavior, not me. How is it possible that he doesn’t regret
-saying the c word at my face multiple times
-coming at me about my money with his bad energy and on thanksgiving morning!
-Telling me I waste my time thinking about things that don’t matter
-When I would tell him we weren’t connecting he would just tell me I was wrong or that it was my problem not his, although I doubt he thinks any differently now about this
-He must see that he did not treat me as though he could, he could have been so much softer and sweeter and considerate of my feelings
-He could have been on time to dates, especially ones that mattered extra like my mom’s visit
-He could of tried to show excitement about seeing my family rather than acting like it was a chore and worried he would be bored… he literally told me he would rather go skiing alone.
-He could have tried to engage with me in the deep conversations, sat with me when we entered a vulnerable place and stayed there cause he knew it meant the world to me for him to be vulnerable, I literally needed so much less than I should have accepted and he couldn’t even do that for me
I wish I could erase him from my mind.
Seaturtle
January 5, 2024 at 9:45 am #426761seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
” I am the last person in the world.. well, one of the last to ask about making money because of lack of personal experience and interest in the matter of making or earning money”
I feel the same way, how do you do this? that is why I don’t even like the word money, I try to use instead “means to do things.” The idea of participating in so many ways this world wants us to to earn “money” does not feel right to me. I wish I could just go to a store pic out a sewing machine and fabrics and make clothes, but no I have to “buy” them, I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense.
“You, Seaturtle, are the most chakra vibrating in-unison member I ever communicated with here in the forums, and for a long time. “
Reading this warmed my entire body into a smile Anita, this is the best compliment I have ever received.
“So, therefore, I thought that you have something to offer many people, many thousands, maybe much more, particularly perhaps young people who feel lost in the world of conflict, war and a climate that’s becoming hotter, drier and/ or crazy.”
At first when I read “seaturtle the influencer” I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think alot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights, and when you watch it you may wonder why your life isn’t so perfect, and how they look is how you should look and such. But I do follow some influencers that bring me joy and healing, and you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea, but I am not sure how to start. (Asking myself, not necessarily seeking you to answer here) I wonder, do I start with talking about how to spot someone gaslighting you? I wonder what my friends and family will think (but I don’t want to put much weight here and try not to) Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me,,
“She weighed 187 lbs. before the removal, and 75 lbs.”
My goodness this sounds insane!
“I can see how you- even if you are able to follow such instructions- you wouldn’t, being a free spirit, not wanting to submit to rules (dance rules)?”
Right. My sister is an amazing dancer and she is at a level of dance where she can express herself, but in very advanced techniques. My technical dance is level zero, haha I don’t have the flexibility or knowledge to do what she does, but I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel. I used to do this in middle school/ high school. My friends and I were all athletes and none of us were interested in alchohol, instead we would have parties with snacks, games and just a full dance party with the lights off, I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha.
Seaturtle
January 5, 2024 at 11:35 am #426766anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“Last night I found out he did in fact block me… This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following“- I didn’t read what comes next, but I want to say at this point that he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you.
“Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches“- there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating. I like the resolution preceding your mention of pain.
“Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.
“I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before“- it is likely he does what he did habitually before.
“I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates…“- from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra, that upper level of Maslow’s Pyramid.
“I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house“- I disrespect him for having done this, how inconsiderate!
“What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.
“Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times“- you were not dishonest with him: you felt different things at different times, through a long period of time.
“He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me… affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you“- how common and tragic it is that people (beginning with parents) who should protect us come at us, hurting us.
“I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!
“cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways“- I don’t see it that way. You are and were back then introspected, he is not. You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.
“There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right?“- yes, I think so. I think of his strategy as that of a spider having spun his web and waiting for an insect to come to him and get entangled in his web.. (again).
“But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us…”- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).
“-Our camping trips… -The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me -That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues.. – When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions“- he is not totally lacking people skills.
“When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..
“When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled “- in certain cartoon, the bad character always looks rough, always evil. In real-life, bad people sometimes look soft, and that confuses people who believe in cartoons.
I am not saying that he is a bad person to everyone.. just that he was and would be bad as a boyfriend/ husband to a woman with an open crown chakra.
“Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon?“- I have the image of a fly flying into a spider’s web…
“I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger“- I boldfaced the words he uttered that you shouldn’t believe. He didn’t want you stronger.. just strong enough to stay alive while entangled in his web, alive but not free. I am guessing that now he wants you strong enough to fly to his web and get entangled yet again.
“I am just angry he could not fix himself for me”- I get caught in images, I know. Nonetheless, I see him (the spider) fixing himself dinner.
“Again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me“- this is feeding my imagery even further..!
“If he followed me“- a spider does not follow the fly; he waits for her to get entangled in his web.
“If he…- and decided to look within“- if he stepped up to the top of Maslow’s pyramid, he would have.
“why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…?
“This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime“- I agree.
“But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him?“-if you showed your tears and emotions while breaking up with him… your crying and emotions would have created the vibrations on his web that would let him know that it’s time for more spinning.
Would it be unfair to the spider for the fly to not present itself as dinner…?
“The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me?”- a spider’s web is its home. Your own home should be spider free, I say (Okay, enough with the image?)
“With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right?”- or just hungry.
“I wish I could erase him from my mind.“- erase seeing who he is not. See him as he is.
2nd post:
“I feel the same way, how do you do this?”- one day at a time.
“I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense“- yes, that would be cool! if the world is coming to an end (droughts, rising sea levels, wars, etc.), trading goods will be the way to go.
“This is the best compliment I have ever received“- you are welcome and thank you for.. the compliment you extended to me in this sentence!
“At first when I read ‘seaturtle the influencer‘ I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think a lot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights… you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea”- I have never watched an influencer online. If I did, the word would have had a negative connotation for me too. Seaturtle the Helpful Influencer in practice, the one giving the word a positive connotation.. or finding a different word may be a better idea.
“Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me“- definitely start with being authentically and unguardedly you first, and then see if people relate. Consider people’s feedback so to think of more effective ways to express yourself, but still, ways in the realm of being true to yourself.
“I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel… I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?
Seaturtle
January 6, 2024 at 10:42 am #426781seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
“he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you. .. there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating”
It is occurring to me now that him wanting me to feel pain is not unfamiliar. In the sense of the example of the c-word incident, he was trying to get me to feel pain. When he asked me if I had money to help him buy a trailer, hours after he saw my bank account and that I was struggling financially, he wanted me to feel that pain. All those times he later said “oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,” all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain, because what other reason could he have for all those things? I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him. I told him everything I did or didn’t up front, intentionally avoiding passive aggression in our relationship, something I so wanted to avoid after seeing it in so many relationships around me. I will let this question sit in my mind right now “did I ever intentionally cause him pain?” But for now will proceed with the fact I do not believe it did this intentionally, certainly never maliciously as he did that night with the C-word, or the money with the trailer. My point is though that me harming him was unfamiliar to him, and my ending the relationship was really the first time I knew I was hurting him and continued. I wonder how this affected him, he was very likely surprised at what I was doing cause our entire relationship I have demonstrated who I am which is someone who cares very deeply about my feelings and those around me, going out of my way to avoid both. You know, we were on the topic of hurting each other once, like speaking as to why cheating would never be involved in our relationship, and breaking up wasn’t mentioned but it was insinuated, when he said “you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.” I remember thinking in that moment that I felt like he was pretty much saying underneath ‘you would never break up with me because it would hurt me.’ This comment and he made another one more recently where he said something along the lines of it being ‘we can figure anything out, like we’ve been together two years we aren’t giving up now.’ it wasn’t those exact words but it was very close and that is what I heard anyways. Anyways, me doing something that we both knew hurt him in some way, was a surprise to us both, more so him. He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right? The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination? He can never hurt me with his little blockings and such, nearly as much as I already got used to inside of the relationship, whereas I actually have more power in the hurting department because it is unfamiliar coming from me to him. I say I have more pain inflicting power but at the same time I am not sure completely how, not sure what I could say that would cause him pain, or perhaps I am wrong… as he is a teflon. Then the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup, for some reason I want this to be true.
“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.”
Answering my question above, this statement says alot of the whole relationship. “each wants the other to feel pain…but he cause[d] you pain, you didn’t...”
“from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra,”
This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?
“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”
This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me.. I said this more than once to him but the time I remember was right after the cash incident on Thanksgiving, after we were finished with a yoga class (a vibrational lifter) and on a happy holiday (a potential vibrational lifter) and then in the store he comes to investigate me and come at me with his cash questions and accusations. Then walking back to my car I remember why I have the cash and tell him “I remember but you do not need to know you can trust me.” He still had an attitude to that, treating me as though I was suspicious and untrustworthy. We got into the car and I realized all the things around us, the yoga, the holiday, all things raising my vibrations while he was down in the depths and I said “You just have such bad vibes sometimes” I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me.’
“he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!”
True. However he did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety, and never came across high, there were times I didn’t even know. Infact it was not until I lived with him that I saw how much, that almost every date he hit at least something before coming out. I felt betrayed when I first realized how he was constantly high, cause he didn’t seem it at all, his body is so used to it that he is very normal on it, infact I did not recognize him sober… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief. I have a lot of patience but his sober self caused me to run out sometimes, I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me. He claimed it prevented him from having dreams, later I understood that meant “thoughts and feelings.” more teflon. So anyways, when he said he would take better care of himself I was very on board with that and though that meant he would begin to be introspective, finally! but then I brought up the cash and c-word incident and he still couldn’t apologize, so then no he couldn’t be introspective? I do recall him saying he would take better care of himself so that he could be better in the relationship, but I don’t think this changes anything. This is what I meant when I said he would give crumbs that he could grown and learn.
“You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.”
Feels true.
“- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).”
I think you are right, it can be a reason. But the reason it won’t is because I can’t trust, that even if I fly back and he promises all the change in the world and maybe even seems like he can see me, I don’t trust that it wouldn’t go right back to the way it was after a matter of time. I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change, this is hard to admit because I feel stupid that I think that because all the evidence says he can’t. But as you said I did in the relationship, “You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you” I am still this way. I have this imagination, this darn imagination that is wonderful but also let’s me see things that will never happen, and I can almost feel them too. I do not feed into it, because it feels stupid and unhelpful but I have to admit a very very small little sapling of an imagination that he could self actualize. There is so much evidence to the contrary that I don’t allow myself to put energy to that imagination, because it is as likely as my other imaginations, of flying! it is there but it also doesn’t bring me peace to feed into, it brings me bad feelings. I like to imagine things that bring me joy, so there is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again.
“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..”
I am fairly certain I am the only one he told because the story was very humiliating and incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable for him to share. He brought it up one morning when we were in bed because I could see his mind trail off and I asked him what was on his mind. He said for some reason this memory had been in his head and he’s avoided telling me but felt telling me was the only way to stop it from coming to him, he said he felt like he was suppose to tell me. Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship. Also after he told me he had emotions I could see and feel were very real, I could tell he was angry and wanted to run away in that moment and felt disgusted. I asked him what he was feeling and that is what he said, he said “honestly I want to run away.” which also aligns with his inability to sit and be vulnerable or deep for long periods of time, I often felt the energy from him that he wanted to leave the space immediately after a certain point. But you are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here, and if he wasn’t then I am a complete fool and don’t have the perceptive skills I thought I did.
” “why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…? “
He didn’t want to. I feel like there were moments where I inspired him to try, for example with learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within to the other parts of yourself that need attention. This was when we were at that cabin for his friends wedding, when I panicked about my outfit and he comforted me…we felt so close during that trip… (a good memory that contributes to the guilt that I ended it harshly) the last morning we were there was the perfect environment for a potential deep conversation. Like I said before they were few in our relationship but the moments he was more likely to open up a little bit, I could feel it. Being out in the middle of nowhere helped him open up a little, we sat on the doc and talked about our inner child. I related it to football and how his coaches pretty much told him to cage his, I told him about letting them out of the cage and he was responding with “ah” that he hadn’t heard it before and it didn’t sound wrong. But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation.
“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?”
This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!
Seaturtle
January 6, 2024 at 12:16 pm #426788anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.
“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.
“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.
This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.
Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.
“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.
“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.
“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.
“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).
I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.
“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”
“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!
“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety… he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-
– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.
“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%, 5%?
“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.
“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told… Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.
“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.
“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…
“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?
anita
January 6, 2024 at 12:22 pm #426789anitaParticipant* I neglected to edit out ““- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”
January 8, 2024 at 5:58 pm #426837seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
I have been having a hard couple days, yesterday my brother told me that he texted N! I am very upset, but my brother is also not in his right mind, he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last thursday, he found himself “feeling bad for n.” I am super annoyed and just don’t trust anyone, especially since my sister got caught up texting him too, back on accident before she knew, asking him about christmas gifts. Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy for him, I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset.
Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere. His ghost was with my at trader joes as if he was seeing the girls I was and staring at them. Then I felt this odd thing, I was hyper aware that the men around me weren’t as attractive as N, and this lie flooded my head I won’t have someone as attractive again. These gross feelings have filled my evening yesterday, and my afternoon today. I feel shallow about these thoughts but they appear quite uninvited. Now I will reply to your post, but this is where my head is right now :/
“he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.”
I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain. What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking? or that he literally was lying to himself, he believed that it was a joke after lying to himself..?
“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”
Instead of giggle this almost makes me wish it was possible haha. Because I know my dad understands what N did wrong, whereas alot of the people around me.. I am not sure really understand. My mom seemed like she did until she started telling me “well maybe you will still end up together,,,,you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..” all tells me my mom has no idea. I think my dad maybe understands better because I think he can see him in N and knows what is really going on in his head, better than my mom anyways. Then my closest friend has surprised me in the past year as to where her vibration is… She often talks over me and I have not only noticed it myself but my roommate pointed it out and literally didn’t want to invite her to our new years cause she talks too much.. My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known eachother almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now.
” I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).”
This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. the fly out wit the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt.
“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.”
Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting. For example on a first date it feels strange to ask their deepest fears and fantasies, so I just wasn’t sure how long to wait for the crowns to align. Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom, this brought me alot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from.
“– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.”
So this is the reason I think I was able to put off our crown chakras aligning… Smoking lowers vibrations, and when I smoked with him we would be at more similar vibrations, so it compromised for not aligning in our pure and sober crown chakras. It was enough until it wasn’t, but it certainly postponed my needs, and I do not want this in a future relationship. I never want to smoke daily again. When we lived together I smoked more than I had ever before, and immediately after moving out I stopped naturally, not even craving it at all. It had become a bonding experience with him, I felt left out when he would go to that place without me, but he went so often. I did not know how serious the issue was until a year into the relationship, he hid it from me. As he hid his nicotine addiction because he temporarily quit while we first started dating. Then would have the vapes when we moved in and I Would find them, confused. He confessed how much he used it one time, but I know he lied about it after, withholding the truth anyways, his specialty. If I did not ask a specific question he would not be transparent about nicotine and weed. this is helping me right now to recall these big negatives to n.
When you say ‘cannabis disorder’, what do you mean?
” there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.”
I laughed reading this because of how fitting it is to this scenario.
I am excited to give the idea of setting up an environment to dance with others more energy and attention.
Seaturtle
January 8, 2024 at 6:19 pm #426839anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I was wondering today, wondering if your sacral and heart chakra kicked your crown chakra out and took over. Good to read this is not what happened, from the parts of your recent post that I read in my current unfocused state of mind. I will re-read and reply tomorrow morning. (As far as the cannabis use disorder, it’s googable). Be back to you. Hope you have a good night.. !
anita
January 9, 2024 at 10:01 am #426851anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“yesterday my brother told me that he texted N!… he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last Thursday, he found himself ‘feeling bad for n.‘”-
– this energy and emotional instability and dysfunction is the results of a sacral and heart chakras going wild without the wise supervision and input by the crown chakra. It is important for you, for me, for everyone to not let this happen.
“Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy.. I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset“-
– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.
Perhaps The Third Eye Chakra can come to the rescue when this false belief is triggered. This chakra is “concerned with inner vision, intuition and wisdom… A balanced third eye chakra allows for heightened intuition, clarity of thoughts and perceptions” (zen lama. com). The title of your thread is about needing a vibrating 3rd eye chakra: “Telling the difference between gut (intuition) and fear in relationships”.
Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.
“Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere… this lie flooded my head…”-the symptoms of a blocked 3rd eye.
Once you SEE N with your 3rd eye, you will have a balanced vision of him: a physically attractive man if your 3rd eye is open. Coming to think about it, it’s a relief to have a 3rd option/ Eye to use so to see the bigger picture, the truth.
“I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain”- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.
“What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking?”- yes, he was.
“or that he literally was lying to himself”- no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).
“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”
“My mom… started telling me ‘well maybe you will still end up together.. you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..’ all tells me my mom has no idea”- her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.
“my closest friend… often talks over me.. My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known each other almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now“- to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.
“This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. The fly out with the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt”-
– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.
“Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting… Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom”- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man early…
“This brought me a lot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.
I want to research cannabis use disorder and vaping as it may apply to N before I respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post next.
anita
January 9, 2024 at 10:07 am #426852anitaParticipant* I forgot to edit out “I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”
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