Dear Anita,

“So, to get along with a person who hides and deceives, you have to be part of the FEAR and the hiding and deceiving, aka unbalanced and blocked chakras.  I wrote fear with capital letters because it’s the kind of fear that annihilates the gut…”

To be part of the fear, deceiving and hiding, I wonder what this lead to inside my body and outside in my expression/personality.

To stay in fear you have to ignore your gut? So then by listening to your gut your annihilate FEAR?

“yes, light around him, not light into him.”

I was telling my roommate last night, I feel like I explained to him who I was so much that he didn’t have to ask me questions, like I craved him shining light on me, and thought that I could do it myself. While at the same time trying to shine my light on him. Last night my roommate admitted, “I did notice while you were together that you didn’t seem like the girl I once knew in high school, and now away from him it seems like she is back.” It is interesting because I don’t remember my highschool self a whole lot, I feel like my parents divorce and emotionally tense home-life, affects my memory of the time, not necessary events but of feelings… Is there a way for me to get more familiar with myself in that time? This reminds me, recently I have been trying to focus on getting to know myself again, fall in love with who I am. But what happens is I fall into what I would usually do, shower, make dinner, or play with the little girl I nanny (my new job right now). Then as I am doing those things I stop and wonder ‘wait, who am I, what am I doing right now, what does it look like and how do I be me…” It is a strange feeling, I want to shine more light on me!

I said “I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him“ and you responded, “- this may be wishful thinking/ feeling on your part.”

You may be right. To be honest I am really not sure, sometimes I felt like there was a part of him calling out for help, but then when I responded to help he was receptive for only a short amount of time or not at all. His response being “can we just have fun tonight, we haven’t had light fun in a while.” But I struggle to enjoy “light and fun” when there is something that needs to be exposed, whether it is me needing to bring light to something I do, or to what he does. More often it was me trying to shed light on myself, to him, something I got the vibe that he was bored to talk about. His face lit up if I asked about work, his truck, skiing, his nephew (no one else in his family, only his nephew), hiking, boating, camping, food, weed (only in a positive light), but I found all those conversations boring. I once tried to explain to him that talking about deeper topics energized me, and he said they drained him and the topics above energized him (while they bored me after a certain point).

“when you dare open your throat chakra and say what you see through your 3rd eye”

Towards the end of the relationship, the last 3 months, he told me he didn’t like me when I drank alcohol. When I drink I become very vocal about my internal thoughts, so it makes sense that he didn’t like the things I had to say. If I had seen something with my third eye that week, but didn’t say it out holding back from overwhelming him with thoughts, it would spill out when I drank even a couple drinks. It is interesting because smoking started to make me have negative thoughts about him, so I stopped smoking, then drinking did it too and so I had to stop drinking most of the time with him because I would get too confrontational for him. If we drink together (with anyone) and I am feeling a type of way, it often will come out, especially since him and I were together so much. One time he did not like, and the next day said was verbally abusive… and I can admit it was too much, but it was true. So there were two issues I really wanted him to fix for me, one was being late, and the other was giving me some words of affirmations. He very very rarely gave me physical compliments, I got more compliments from random people on the street then I did from my partner, I said this to him that night. The place I took too farm and it was because the alcohol got away from me that night… which I feel regretful for was I began to compare him to past boyfriends and how they would say things, to give him examples and to prove to him he was not doing it, this was clearly not a good argument, but I understand my drunk self’s attempt here. I apologized the next day for comparing him to past boyfriends, I knew that was wrong of me. The compliments never came, the first year with him I didn’t really notice, it was the second year that I started to wonder like ‘do you even notice I put this on for our date, I don’t wear this for anyone but me and you.’ I asked him once, a time he had smoked and was for feeling-y because of the marijuana, I said “babe why don’t you compliment me? I know you think I am beautiful but do you realize how much if would mean to me to hear it from your lips?” his response “But If I tell you how beautiful you are you will leave me”…. this is so sad but also an issue because even after I assured him it would have the opposite affect on me, it didn’t change. He made comments like “oh I haven’t seen that skirt before” or “I like the color of your pants,” but not like those have anything to do with ME, I told him but do I look good in them? He just had a very hard time giving me compliments, sort of in the same category as making me feel seen. I often felt he did not know what made me special, mentally or physically.

” a twist on the spider imagery- the spider wants to feast on a living/ fresh fly, so he feeds the fly with just enough dung to keep it alive, but not strong enough to escape the web.”

Which would explain why he was afraid of me moving out, to find enough strength to leave. When I was first telling him about moving out he did not want me to and told me “I could just seem myself pulling away if you move out.” I feel like this was a manipulation tactic to try to get me to stay, making me fear losing him and deciding to stay.

My roommate brought up a good point last night too, as I was venting to her like I am to you today, out of this gross feeling I am trying to release (which by the way I apologize if it is sending you low vibrations). She pointed out how strange it was that he would act like nothing happened, even the few times she witnessed this. She said I remember you saying you guys had an argument on the phone and an hour later he was at the apartment behaving as if nothing had happened, I of course realize this, but the fact she could see it too is validating. He did do this. Interesting how not saying anything can be just as manipulative as saying something. When this sort of thing happened, and I did bring it up, he would basically say to get over it. So then I would come to this thread and try to see how to get over it, by seeing how I could be projecting F onto N. I tried so hard to take the blame because that was easier than having him refuse to.

Seaturtle

Good morning Anita,

“It takes 40-56 days for ALL of your skin cells to be replaces. You can calculate then, on what date, none of your skin cells was touched by him, not a single one, being N-Touch-Free (NTF). Maybe it will help with the ick feeling, and maybe this is my wishful thinking with a scientific touch.”

It has been 49 days!! I just counted, this makes me feel less icky you are right. I am in higher spirits today.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“…a girl in a cage, blocked chakras, deteriorating mental health.”

A big sign of this is, last year in may, I had recurring acne on my face for the first time in my life! It was hard for me to face because I didn’t know why and I was upset that it was happening, as I have been blessed my whole life with fairly smooth skin. The first week I was living apart from N, in my new apartment, my acne went down significantly, still small recurrences, smaller and smaller until just last week they stopped. My face is now only healing past scars and no longer breaking out, I am so happy. I did try a number of things and adding a face cloth to my regime was very helpful, as AZ water is much different than WA water. Then I added more moisture to my routine as well, thinking the dry climate was affecting it too, I also naturally started eating healthier, and drinking less, as soon as I broke up with N. All those reason contribute, but I definitely feel like a factor on my skin was the stress N caused me, blocked chakras –> blocked pores.

“- maybe she meant the light/ higher vibrations are is back to your eyes, face, voice, the words you use.”

“- sometime when you are relaxed, maybe listening to music you liked back in high school, or looking at photos of yourself back then, sit in front of the computer, imagine that you are the girl in the photos and type away whatever comes to mind. You can start with competing the sentence: “I feel_______”.”

It is interesting to hear this perspective because it is hard for me to tell if I was high vibrations in high school, how could I have been despite my parents being the most low vibrational relationship at home? As young as 13 I remember wishing them apart, I preferred one without the other, I could sense the low vibrations and wanted to repel them. Around the same age my parents let me move downstairs to our mostly furnished basement. There was a guest room I made my room and the separation form the rest of the house was nice, although I have a vivid memory of my dad pacing the floors one night, I went to the top of the basement stares to listen to what he was doing, because it was keeping me up. I put my ear to the door and could hear him leaving voicemails for my mom, asking “where are you.” It was late. I stayed at the top of the stairs cause I was curious and wouldn’t be able to sleep with his pacing anyways. She came home. She walked in, there was silence, he asked “where were you?” he asked out of pain, not anger or shouting, he was asking genuinely and a sadness peaked out of his voice (I feel his pain right now). She just fell into tears. All I remember from that point was her crying, thinking she was drunk and not answering his question.

I had few things in my life that made me feel like me, I had to fake enjoyment for things my dad wanted me to do, such as sports. The tricky thing is I wasn’t all faking, it became so real that I enjoyed it. And I was good at sports, I was a natural. I did love my club soccer team, but when it came to my highschool team I did not like the team, and therefore began to loath the game too. When I told my dad about sports he was proud. Also, the siblings around me in age did not follow the rules as I did, which is also why I felt like I needed to follow them. I felt bad for my dad that my brother was awful at sports, so I wanted to be what made him happy. my sister younger than me was just like my dad, very stubborn, she refused to be someone she wasn’t (which I admire now) and at the time that created a rift between her and I. She had such a hard life because she was constantly disciplined for acting out (later in age I realize she was acting out because she wasn’t being cared for as she needed, like the metaphor you shared with me about a child going to work with the mom, she will behave if she got what she needed at home otherwise have temper tantrums outside the home). I remember thinking that she brought her own pain upon herself, I was doing what my dad wanted me to and therefore got his love, then she was jealous of me for getting his love. She annoyed me, I thought “just do what you’re told and you won’t make this harder for all of us.” She had tantrums infront of guests we had over, it was embarrassing. She would scream at babysitters, run away from home and steal things from me and my youngest sister, and bully my youngest sister. My brother was always out of touch, my mom thought he had asperger’s, he would get really angry and hit us, he was told to hide his anger so much that it turned into passive aggression and judgement, who he is today. My youngest sister has always had a love hate with my other sister, friends one minute then the next other sister was trying to bother her, even up until last year. (other sister moved to another state). I loved my youngest sister dearly, she was cute and sweet, she was a people pleaser like I was, she understood how to follow rules to receive the love she needed, unlike my other two siblings.

All this said, the way I was raised greatly affected my self esteem. I didn’t get to know who I was because I was so consumed with everything around me and the rules I had to follow to keep the peace, and put up with temper tantrum siblings all the time. By the time I got to school, I was good at making friends, but I always felt a little socially behind, my private school upbringing hid a lot of things from me, I was made fun of for being “innocent.” I didn’t understand the sleazy jokes, and I wasn’t aloud to text or hangout with boys, so I missed out on alot of things in middle school, still restricted in high school I began to sneak around. I could be natural with certain people, but maybe 2 in my whole highschool, so I often felt awkward in groups. We talked before about certain people you have to dim your vibrations for in order to be on their level. Which perhaps does show that I had a high vibration. I thought I was awkward, so I was, I was told I was. Certain responses I had were the truth, and people would scold me for being open about it, say I was awkward for brining it up. I used to think I was awkward and that was bad. Today I have just learned to own the fact that to this society, I am “awkward” but I don’t care anymore like I used to, now I think well if they want to respond weird I will leave. My friends now understand me and I try to get them to be “awkward” too, even though I think sometimes “awkward” = authentic.

I have always been good at speaking to boys. I was really good at being flirtatious, meaning just witty and fun. I loved witty banter with people, girls or boys. But with boys the wittiness would be more flirtatious, I really liked texting boys (hidden from my parents) because it was like a flirtatious release I enjoyed. But the thing was, none of those flirtatious conversations, actually wanted to date me. Infact, I witnessed all of my crushes with another girl. In middle school I witnessed the boy I had been talking to and really had a big crush on, a girl came to visit her friends at the school, he saw her and immediately left my side and lifted her into the air. It was like from a movie, but I was sitting there watching as my heart felt like it was falling into a million pieces. Again in middle school, this time was worse because the boy I liked, his friend told me he liked me too. I got so excited, I even told my dad. A couple weeks later I found out his friend made that up because he thought it was true, infact the guy was into one of my friends, he asked her to the dance instead and I witnessed it all, heartbroken. In highschool there was another guy I liked, he liked my friend, actually my roommate now! She did not like him so I didn’t have to witness that one but I did have to concole him about her…which was a whole other feeling of heart ache. In highschool, it happend once again, I was texting someone I really liked, this guy actually, we texted on and off for years age 16-19. I had/ have never had the feelings I had for him, T. But he was in to someone else, he invited me to go to youth group with him once, we hung out and had classes together so spending time with him was easy. At youth group, the girl that he liked was there, I sat down at my seat and she sat on his lap. It was the same feeling again, shattered heart. All of these occurrences, happening every year of middle and highschool for me, 8 years, made me think the guys that I wanted didn’t want me and I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t feel less pretty, so I blamed my personality, crushing my self esteem. Even today I get anxious around a guy if I have any feelings, often I am mean to him because I don’t want to flirt/show interest and be rejected. With this self doubt and lack of self esteem, could I have really had a high vibration through all this going on around me? not forgetting what I would also go home to?

“- congratulations on your new job, Seaturtle the Nanny.”

Thank you! I have always been good with little ones, I have never been rejected by one of them, haha!

“the weed and alcohol did not shut your 3rd eye. It kept vibrating and seeing through the smoke and the alcohol.”

The sad part is I wanted to close my third eye. So that I could enjoy N.

You quoted me: his response ‘But If I tell you how beautiful you are, you will leave me’“ and responded “- bingo! He wanted you to stay in the cage..! The spider wanted you in his web, alive but not strong enough to fly away and leave him.”

Why was he afraid that I would leave if he acknowledged my strengths?

I am certainly getting more over him every day. Yesterday my feelings of disgust changed from inside of me to seeing it in him, seeing him as gross. I still wonder about getting my things and have anxiety about this, I find myself planning what to say in my head but it also just brings me anxiety to think about.

Seaturtle