Dear Anita,

“when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. “

wow this makes sense for a lot of different scenarios we were in. This makes me trail back to childhood, and wonder if this is what was going on with my parents, why my mom would cry (a weakness in men’s eyes) and then my dad wouldn’t be as upset with her because some part of him liked that feeling of how weak she was… I feel like I have been rewarded for being weak by my mom… She would fix a lot of problems growing up or get me out of trouble when I needed to face things alone. I will think about this topic more, but N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker.

“…seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.”

Is this why parenting can be so healing? My immediate thought after reading this quote was a vision of myself at like 7 years old and that I wish I could touch my forehead to hers because I do empathize with her circumstances. This reminded me of the first day nannying this little girl, she is 16 months and according to her parents ‘very picky about nannies/people.’ It was such a special moment, it was day one of starting the job and I played with her, K, and at one point I was holding her playing with a toy and she touched her little head to my forehead (happy teary eyed emojy!) It was so sweet, I felt like she was saying she accepted me. Anyways after having this memory I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you.

Apart from inner-child healing, but a thought I have recently been revisiting, I wonder where children come from. I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?

“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.”

I think I am pretty far on the spectrum of wanting it, but certainly to be fully 100% seen feels like a breech of privacy, like there are some things I’d like to keep so that I am not fully exposed to the world. And certain people get closer than others of course. But I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way.. I know I am this way because I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family. I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying. But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts, I really appreciated hearing this. Something I wanted to hear so badly from N, but never did, probably because he was intimidated and it only made him afraid to share his thoughts.

“…(I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.”

I remember when he would tell me he liked that I was emotional, but his “compliment” didn’t feel genuine, and this makes sense because it was genuine but it wasn’t in the way that I desired. He didn’t admire it, he was attracted to it. I feel like he would alternate between two versions of himself, probably based on whether I was emotional or not.. He would be supportive if I was emotional, but when I was unemotional he would imply I was weak… Like when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect. So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!

“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).”

Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up alot of my time and have been recently cutting down..

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I apologize for the delay in my response, you are right in that this forum reminds me of N, so if I don’t even want to open the door of those thoughts I avoid this topic. Throughout this conversation we have spoken about so many things, of those things I would love to venture further on caring for my inner child, seeing myself so that in my next relationship my expectations/needs are not too high for one person. I want to discover more about myself, what my childhood has caused me to need in adulthood. I would also like to talk more about what my purpose is here, when we spoke of dancing, that idea has stuck with me, but I am not sure where to start. I fear never accomplishing anything great and only starting projects that I then tire from. I am highly considering yoga-teacher training school, it would start in april and go for one year. I like that idea because not only could I see myself as a yoga instructor I could also see that platform, and the classes, guiding me to other things as well..

I do not mind starting another forum, although the change makes me wary. You know me better than others do on this forum at this point and it would be alot to re-explain. But I also don’t want to overwhelm you with this task of helping me find my way.

” I can follow details because it’s on the computer screen and I have all the time I need to re-arrange the information, re-read, edit my writings, etc”

I understand!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“why do you feel the need to accomplish anything GREAT, and by great, do you mean something that will bring you fame, popularity, the esteem of many… anything like that?”

By great, I mean I want to add to the world. I am afraid I will not make my ideas come to life, and if I do they will maybe not be seen by others, and if it is not seen then how does it make a change in the world. I gave up the desire for popularity when I realized I did not want the attention of those who couldn’t see me when I was being my natural self. If I was popular for being just me, I mean that thought sounds nice, but I think it is just that lack of feeling seen and thinking that would solve it. Part of me has a desire for people like F and N, to see that I am “cool, funny, and strong” (from my post above). They told me I wasn’t those things, more so F, and there’s a part of me that wants them to see that I am. I don’t desire fame, too many people haha.

“This excessive, narcissistic need on his part to be attended to and prioritized at the expense of you, led to your excessive need to be thoroughly seen and prioritized. …It’s about trying to over compensate for not having been seen and prioritized…Did we talk about this topic thoroughly?”

I see how my deep desire to be seen, is as deep as it is because I am over compensating for not having been seen and prioritized. I also agree that those 2-3 years I lived with, mainly, my dad, his excessive needs of attention and priority are part of what I am compensating for. However, I was not seen in so many ways throughout my entire upbringing, I feel like those couple years with him were the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention I was older at that time, so I remember a lot of it, and I also remember knowing it was not right but I couldn’t understand why it was happening or how to stop it.

My little sister, the youngest, A, (the sister that we understand eachother the most) called me two nights ago. She was on the verge of tears because she hasn’t seen my dad since new years because he is constantly on vacation. Hearing her go on and on, reminded me of what it was like to live with him and my mom. her situation is a little different because since she is the youngest, this is her first year alone there to alternate between houses every two weeks. She said how hard and exhausting it was to go from house to house, she said it was like being in a warm place, then opening the door to -30 degrees outside. When she said this, it reminded me of when my parents lived together, and how uncomfortable the environment was with two polar opposites. She said she doesn’t understand who my dad can think their relationship (between A and F) is so great, yet it is so “superficial.” She called me because she was suppose to alternate to my dads this week and he was out of town all week, his house is large and cold and lots of windows, which at night can be scary. She said she called him and he said “oh I told you sweetie that I would be away” she told me he did not, and I believe her, my dad did the same thing to me. She said “sometimes I feel like I need to be physically hurt for him to see me.” this very strongly reminded me of when I attempted self harm, at her exact age. I told her “there is nothing you can do to make him see you, he may tend to you while you are hurt but he will leave again once you are better and in the end you will only have a mark on yourself.” I am so happy I answered her call. She spoke about how she didn’t want to go back to my moms, because that day she was feeling emotional. A is an amazing dancer, and she works as a dance teacher for 8-10 year olds (a job she sought out and has to pay everything she makes because of a dent she made to her car! sound familiar? F is doing the exact same thing to her that he did to me at the exact same age.) She told my mom she felt too emotional to be around kids, she said “kids can sense when you are feeling off and they will then be harder to deal with” A is very aware for her age I am impressed all the time! A went to my mom for advice, wondering why she felt the way she did and how to deal with it, …my moms response, is why I am sharing this, all my mom said to her was “it’s just a female thing.” Hurts me to even type that, my mom seems brainwashed sometimes. A and I both spoke about how our parents are both asleep and we are awake, we theorized on why.

Seaturtle