Oh yes, I saw it. It just takes a bit more thought and concentration to reply to those kinds of things. I don’t want to be unfocused and not give the thoughts you shared the attention they deserve.

😊

Dear Seaturtle:

The example you gave: he tickled you=> it triggered your past trauma=> you backed away from cuddling=>he accused you of withholding affection from him=>you apologized to him for withholding affection from him and explained why (the past trauma)=> he told you that your explanation was an excuse, claiming that backing away from cuddling with him was something wrong that you did, an offense, something for which you were guilty, and that your explanation was your attempt to lessen the blame  attaching to (a fault or offense) (online definition of the word excuse).

Questions: (1) How long after the tickling session did the two of you sit down on the couch in front of the TV and him trying to cuddle with you? (2) What happened in between the ticking and his effort to cuddle: did you make it clear to him that you were upset by the tickling, was there a conversation about it? (3) When you backed away from the cuddling, did you feel angry at him, wanting to punish him for the tickling? (4) Do you always cuddle with him, whenever he feels like cuddling, no matter how you feel.. Does he always cuddle with you no matter how he feels?

“Does this involve confronting my father?“- I don’t think so, at least not at this point.

“Would journaling (more) about my experiences with my dad help to release them? Often I feel when I talk or think about them it brings me down, but maybe it is helping, because I do still have strong feelings there under the surface if I tap into them“-Best would be to do express and process theses strong feelings in the context of quality professional psychotherapy. I don’t remember if we talked about psychotherapy, but given that your father is financially well-off, it will be very appropriate for him to pay for such.

“He lets go of things quite fast“- there is an advantage to having a TM. I would like to have more Teflon in mine!

“N can go in and out of it, but majorly he is Teflon unfortunately“- I suppose TM is a spectrum thing: everyone has it, some more than others.

“OFTEN, growing up with my dad and now with N I feel this need to be more like a TF. He calls his TF behavior stoicism.’ and he does make TF behavior look more relaxing, like he often just tells me to relax, which sometimes I wonder if that is what I need to do, sometimes it is but other times I do want to talk about the why of something“- being somewhere in the middle of the TM Spectrum is probably a good idea; to apply Teflon selectively, depending on the topic and circumstances.

“Since the beginning of our relationship (because, and what keeps me with him) I felt this feeling that he would be in my life for a while, his presence was soothing and he was so kind to everyone, and a hard worker with good intentions, he gives back to the community…“-

-and yet, you’ve been doubting the relationship and thinking a lot about breaking up with him for a long time:

“Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months… I don’t think we are soulmates…  I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on or commit. I don’t want to string this lovely man along, but I don’t want to make the wrong decision and make him the one that got away… I am exhausted with this decision and thought the answer would have come to me by now” (July 29)

“Have I wasted all this time of my youth in this relationship? I would hate to permanently lose him…. I can’t shake this pit in my stomach of breaking up with my partner. If he will never truly see me then I need to leave. But I can sense the pain of separating and it scares and pains me deeply. He has become by home” (Oct 19).

I was wondering earlier, before getting to the computer this morning, are you familiar with the term Relationship OCD (R-OCD) and did you ever consider that it may apply to you?

anita

I’m sorry for the amount of suffering that you and your siblings experienced as a result of your father. I did wonder if he was violent at all because of the extent of your trauma. Even witnessing violence from a parent is traumatic.

It’s really difficult because up until recently. Knowledge about trauma and it’s effects has been really limited. It’s only in our lifetime that hitting children has started to be banned. For generations, trauma has been handed down unrecognised and untreated.

I’m sorry to hear that your father would invalidate your trauma, actively deny it and blame you for it. That is extremely painful to experience. Unfortunately, that is very common when it comes to abusive parents. I experienced the same thing with mine too. I wonder, did your father suffer from depression at all?

In some cases, parents who have been abusive flip between denial and periods of lucidity where they experience depression and self-hatred as a result of the way that they’ve treat their children. They don’t usually articulate this as a reason for their depression to their children. I believe it’s a self-protective mechanism for them to live in denial.

I’m glad to hear that your relationship with your father has since improved. Sometimes I find that can create a disconnect or confusion about how was see them. At other times, having trauma invalidated by our abusers can create a sense of confusion and denial about our experiences in ourselves. Do you think you experienced any of this at all?

It’s extremely important that your partner works on not invalidating your trauma.

It is difficult for him to deal with your triggers because of his experiences with his parents. He is very sensitive to perceived criticism at this time. It’s honestly hard to say what kinds of things he experienced during his father’s periods of over sharing and it’s definitely concerning that he experienced that. I think that you’re a very empathetic person and now that it’s clear there is a trigger for him you will do your best to be sensitive to his needs while trying to manage your own.

I think there might also be an additional element too. You’re a very empathetic person, with great communication skills. During a trigger this breaks down a bit. I know that this is one reason why I go quiet sometimes too. I don’t want to say anything harmful to my partner. And sometimes the negative thoughts during a trigger are very strong. There are times when this “leaks” and can be harmful to your partner. I think it can be jarring for partners to experience the contrast between such attentive careful communication and a breakdown. I’m sure that you never intend to hurt your partner. It is just that difficult to communicate effectively when triggered sometimes. It gets easier with a lot of practice. I’m sure that you do your best and it is always something to keep working on.

I’m glad that your partner feels comfortable sharing with you when he feels hurt and that you are receptive to this, do your best to manage the situation and validate his feelings.

He needs to improve on doing the same for you. It sounds like sometimes he isn’t as receptive to your concerns when you raise them. But clearly, in some cases as with the apologies. There is improvement and he tries.

In the long run, I think his willingness to address these issues will ultimately determine if you both stay together. You are very willing to support him and his needs.

Have you ever had a discussion about him invalidating your trauma and how that makes you feel?

I hope that you have a good weekend! Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏

Dear Seaturtle:

I am back sooner than I anticipated but I am okay with you either not reading or not responding to this post until next week, or whenever you choose.

Before I read and reply to your last post, I want to offer you my best understanding at this time, starting with the concept of the inner child and how it applies to you: part of you does not know the difference between Past and Present; for this part what was still is. This is your inner child.. your inner hatchling (baby sea turtle), so to speak… Hatch, for short. The other part of you is the adult you for whom there is Past and Present.

Hatch needed and still (there is no distinction for her between past and present), she needs to be seen and to be treated with kindness. Unfortunately for her, she was unseen and emotionally harassed by her father. The adult part of you thinks that it is something that happened, but for Hatch, it is still happening.

When you take Hatch with you to meet your father (recently for that hour visit during his golf tournament), she doesn’t want to go because she’s scared of him and/ or she is angry with him, but you take her anyway, and you tell her to be nice and that there is nothing to worry about. So, she goes with you quietly, holding her feelings in, and makes it possible for you to have a nice visit with him.

The visit is over, you take Hatch home and- no longer instructed to be nice and hold her feelings in- she let’s them out, aka she gets triggered in the company of your boyfriend and other people. The adult part of you thinks that her fear and/ or anger and other distress is about your boyfriend and the other people, but Hatch’s fear and anger, her distress, is about your father.

The price you pay for having a nice adult relationship with your father is .. UNSEEING Hatch.

To heal as much as is possible for you, you have to SEE Hatch and to do what’s in her best interest.

* I want to submit this and then start a new post with the continuation of this theme as I re-read your past posts.

anita