Dear Alessa:

Thank you for your continued support and for sharing so openly—I truly appreciate the depth of thought and self-awareness in your words. I hear the quiet strength in your acceptance of the past, and I recognize how exhausting it can be to fight circumstances beyond our control.

I deeply relate to what you said about vulnerability being painful. Emotional guarding can feel like self-protection, yet, at the same time, it can keep us distant from the connections we crave.

These two sentences from your post—both to Peter and to me—really resonated with me: “I’m largely motivated by necessity. Most of the decisions in my life have been circumstantial. It makes me wonder what my nature actually is… I do just go with the flow because I have never really had the energy for anything else.”-

Much of my life’s decisions were also shaped by circumstances and my perceptions of them. For a long time, I felt like a ship tossed by a stormy sea, carried wherever the waves dictated. Only recently have I started discovering identity and agency, and it’s been an eye-opening journey.

Alessa, when you wonder about your true nature, I hear a quiet longing to understand yourself beyond the circumstances imposed upon you. I also hear exhaustion in your words, but even in going with the flow, there is a part of you that questions, that wonders. Perhaps that curiosity is a doorway—an invitation to explore, even in small ways, the parts of yourself that exist outside of circumstance.

Regarding my mother’s relationship with my father: they divorced when I was about six. The only memory I have of him living at home was of a terrible fight—yelling, suicide threats, her running out of the apartment, and me crying loudly. In response, my father took a belt and hit me to quiet me down. And that’s all I remember of their relationship as husband and wife.

Your empathy is so evident, Alessa—both in how you acknowledge trauma responses and in how you understand my emotional journey. That means a great deal to me. I hope you know that even if you prefer emotional guarding, your words carry warmth and depth that show genuine care. Thank you for that. 🫂

anita

I talked with two people this evening, irl, two people (happened to be men) who seemed distant, uninterested in conversation with me. But with some reaching out to them (separately, at different times), they opened up to me. It is amazing- how in the past- I would have perceived their initial distance as disinterest, and worse- as a personal rejection of me.

But how wrong I was- these two men were open and honest with me. All it took was me opening up to them, and they reciprocated.

Back home this Friday night I am looking forward to more irl experiences this Saturday.

How many people are sort of asleep until someone shows interest in what they think, and way more importantly- interest in what they feel.

anita

Ten minutes to midnight.

anita