Dear Alessa:

Thank you for your continued support and for sharing so openly—I truly appreciate the depth of thought and self-awareness in your words. I hear the quiet strength in your acceptance of the past, and I recognize how exhausting it can be to fight circumstances beyond our control.

I deeply relate to what you said about vulnerability being painful. Emotional guarding can feel like self-protection, yet, at the same time, it can keep us distant from the connections we crave.

These two sentences from your post—both to Peter and to me—really resonated with me: “I’m largely motivated by necessity. Most of the decisions in my life have been circumstantial. It makes me wonder what my nature actually is… I do just go with the flow because I have never really had the energy for anything else.”-

Much of my life’s decisions were also shaped by circumstances and my perceptions of them. For a long time, I felt like a ship tossed by a stormy sea, carried wherever the waves dictated. Only recently have I started discovering identity and agency, and it’s been an eye-opening journey.

Alessa, when you wonder about your true nature, I hear a quiet longing to understand yourself beyond the circumstances imposed upon you. I also hear exhaustion in your words, but even in going with the flow, there is a part of you that questions, that wonders. Perhaps that curiosity is a doorway—an invitation to explore, even in small ways, the parts of yourself that exist outside of circumstance.

Regarding my mother’s relationship with my father: they divorced when I was about six. The only memory I have of him living at home was of a terrible fight—yelling, suicide threats, her running out of the apartment, and me crying loudly. In response, my father took a belt and hit me to quiet me down. And that’s all I remember of their relationship as husband and wife.

Your empathy is so evident, Alessa—both in how you acknowledge trauma responses and in how you understand my emotional journey. That means a great deal to me. I hope you know that even if you prefer emotional guarding, your words carry warmth and depth that show genuine care. Thank you for that. 🫂

anita

I talked with two people this evening, irl, two people (happened to be men) who seemed distant, uninterested in conversation with me. But with some reaching out to them (separately, at different times), they opened up to me. It is amazing- how in the past- I would have perceived their initial distance as disinterest, and worse- as a personal rejection of me.

But how wrong I was- these two men were open and honest with me. All it took was me opening up to them, and they reciprocated.

Back home this Friday night I am looking forward to more irl experiences this Saturday.

How many people are sort of asleep until someone shows interest in what they think, and way more importantly- interest in what they feel.

anita

Ten minutes to midnight.

anita

I feel ALIVE, like my 2-dimensional existence has gained, or reclaimed, a 3rd dimension, a depth. I feel young and old, all at the same time. I feel connection to others, connection to self.

It’s a process, the re-connecting, the reclaiming of the 3rd dimension.

anita

Continued: Detachment before processing emotions is more like avoiding feelings rather than truly healing. When painful emotions are pushed away or ignored, they don’t disappear—they stay beneath the surface and can show up as anxiety, resentment, or difficulty connecting with others.

Real detachment—where emotions no longer control someone—comes after those feelings have been acknowledged and worked through. Processing emotions helps a person understand them, find meaning, and make peace with their experiences. Skipping this step leaves emotions unresolved, making them resurface in unexpected ways.

Detachment might feel freeing at first, but if it’s being used to escape feelings rather than facing them, it can lead to withdrawal. Instead of helping someone grow stronger, it can reinforce avoidance, making it harder to build deep relationships or personal resilience.

While detachment can offer temporary relief—like shutting down emotional discomfort—it doesn’t lead to lasting healing unless emotions are processed. If someone keeps using detachment to feel lighter, they may continue to rely on it every time difficult emotions come up. Over time, this can lead to isolation, because instead of working through feelings, they avoid situations or relationships that might challenge them.

It’s a lot like avoidance—constantly running from discomfort rather than dealing with it. The more someone depends on detachment as a quick fix, the harder it becomes to fully engage with emotions and experience deeper connections.

anita

“Betrayal” is in the title of my thread, and it represents the deepest wound in human relationships. It begins with a parent betraying a child’s natural trust and continues through countless small and large betrayals from those we dared to trust—those we hoped we could trust.

Trust un-betrayed is everything.

anita

Using my phone: hope you feel better very soon, Alessa. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, for sending me a message even though you were feeling sick by. I am looking forward to hearing from you when you feel better!

Anita