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The Ex and someone else

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Danielle 6 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #40425

    Kim
    Participant

    It’s been 3 weeks since the break up. Even though it’s getting a little better there are still so many emotions I am feeling. I’m allowing myself to cry when needed, deal with thoughts as they come, and concentrating on why this wasn’t a good relationship – and then question myself if he ever truly will change and want a serious relationship. Right now I’m struggling with whether or not he has moved on with someone else…one specific person in my mind. So I’m allowing myself to think about all the things that she is getting to do now, and that she is now where I used to be. How do I deal with that? I know he will eventually see other women and maybe already is. It hurts!!! I want to know if it’s just casual or if he is letting her in to his life like he did me…spending weekends there, spending time with him and his daughter, gave her a key….too many things. It was my choice to not remain friends right now. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. He said he had hoped we could remain friends…why?

    #40435

    Shau
    Participant

    I can’t imagine the pain your feeling. You probably heard the quote ”it hurts to know that the people you’d do most for won’t do the same for you”. The burning ache and its terrible. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and when your in the dark the light is easier to see. But sometimes it takes a while. Just give yourself that time and take yourself away and be with you. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself. And sometimes when we get into relationships we become dependant on them for happiness and of course I’m not saying you did that. But when you look at all the people in this world who have survived the most painful emotional experiences; that gives me hope maybe it’ll give you some too.

    #40436

    Sassypants
    Participant

    Kim, I am dealing with the same exact thoughts after a 7 year break up. I’m imagining him with a trainer from his gym and creating a whole scenario in my head about the two of them. It’s causing me anxiety, restlessness and heart ache. Why am I exerting and wasting energy on this? We do this as woman. I’ve come to realize this amongst my crazy thoughts; one, thought is scarier than the reality, two if he moves on that quickly I deserve better. Eventually a time will come where both he and you move on, but we can’t sit around and imagine it now, it’s not good for us. A friend gave me some good advice that what ever we are feeling will go through us, we are transparent. Accept how you at this exact moment, don’t fight it and trust the journey of heart ache and heart break.

    “In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

    #40443

    Kim
    Participant

    I will admit that I am my own roadblock to moving on. I overanalyze and think too much about all the “whys” rather than just letting things run their course. I don’t like uncertainty even though life is all about not knowing where we will be in the future. Regardless of how fast he moves on with someone else, I deserve someone better anyway. I put up with a lot of crap, promises, and lack of respect…..so that’s why I deserve better, because there definitely is better I just have to wait for it.

    #40466

    Sassypants
    Participant

    I glad you realize you deserve better Kim. I too believe I do. We need this alone time to grow and nurture ourselves back into the “right frame of mind shape”. Jumping into another relationship will only hinder us in the long long, repeating old cycles and mistakes. Lets grow from this and better are present and future!

    #40490

    Renee
    Participant

    It’s pretty late, but I ran across these posts that reminded me of very painful times and also what I learned from coming out the other side. First, you must not obsess! Call your friends, go out, but try not to talk about him. Talking about the same thing over and over may feel therapeutic, but after a while you are just triggering the sad feelings by reliving it. He already broke your heart; stop breaking it all over again. There’s a trick where you put a rubber band around your wrist, and when you find your mind wandering back to him, you snap the band and force yourself to think of something else. Silly, but it helps. Second, whatever perfect and wonderful guy you think she would be getting does not exist! All his faults, broken promises, lack of respect…Well, guess what- that is the package she (or whoever) would get as well. Maybe not at first, but he’s the same guy; he’s not his potential. I look back at several serious relationships over 20 years, and every man I thought was going to change and be perfectly wonderful, and some other woman would get all the good stuff and none of the bad, well that just never happened. They ended up with other people, but they had the same issues; they had no interest in working to change or treat people better. Also, broken promises and lack of respect are big deal breakers. Those are not quirks, they are serious personality flaws that could mess with your head, questioning your self worth. Would you want your best friend or sister to get treated that way? Well, you can do better. And it’s also good to realize that one of the reasons it is so very painful is because when we lose that other person, we also immediately lose all of the dreams and plans of the future that we pictured with that person. It’s a huge loss; it’s a kick to the gut. But you do have dreams besides him, and you will find someone to dream with again, someone you can really trust. Last, you cannot be friends with him right now. It would stop you from healing and keep you hoping he would come to his senses. Years could be lost. You can be friends later, if you want. Or maybe you will want a friend who will respect you and keep his word…

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  Renee.
    #40541

    Kim
    Participant

    Renee, you just completely touched on everything I’ve been feeling. That even though he may appear to be what I want in the beginning, he really isn’t going to change enough to be able to stay in a serious relationship. He proved that to me twice now. I was dumb enough to take him back a year ago when he said he’d changed. Also you said ” when we lose that other person, we also immediately lose all of the dreams and plans of the future that we pictured with that person. It’s a huge loss; it’s a kick to the gut.” That’s exactly it!! It’s like my life’s been flipped upside down and all the trips or plans or get togethers….are all gone because of it. I know I have dreams that never did include him…that were all about me and my life. I have to focus on the lack of communication, respect, and broken promises because that’s what the real problem was with the relationship not just the commitment issue.

    Thank you so much 🙂 Sometimes I just need to hear someone else tell me what I’ve been telling myself….to prove that I will be OK.

    #40552

    Letty
    Participant

    Hi Kim. I also empathise with what you are going through. If I’m honest, I’m not sure it’s really him I miss now, maybe it’s what I wanted him to be, or how I wanted the relationship to be that I miss. I do know how you are feeling, the rejection is painful, it hurts. Someone told me that time heals everything, and I think I’m starting to feel the reality of that now. It’s not my heart that’s stopping me from moving on, it’s my mind. My friends and family have been wonderful and constantly reminded me of my worth. You are worth someone who will love and cherish you, treat you with respect, appreciate what you do, and truly be your partner. I really do wish you all the best in your journey. Much love x.

    #40587

    Michael
    Participant

    Hi Kim.
    I feel your pain completely. After being with my wife for 11 years, two months ago she left me for someone else. It was completely out of the blue. I was, and still am, completely devastated. She is moving in with him at the end of the month. I am living in our home until we can sell it.
    I run though my head constantly all the things they are doing. How he has replaced me. Now being around me makes her miserable, and being around him makes her happy. It’s hard, and I know I’ll get through it. We both will. But maybe knowing there are others out there that feel our pain can help.
    🙂

    #40604

    Kim
    Participant

    Hi Letty. I agree with you, that I’m not really missing “him” but the loss of what I thought he was and the future I had envisioned. Everyone told me as well that in time the hurt will get better. 3 weeks ago I didn’t believe that at all…but now I’m realizing it really is true. While I am not ready to completely let go of him I am at least not in that dark hole everyday feeling lost and lonely. I still love him and care for him but as long as I acknowledge my emotions and deal with them it helps me to heal. We all deserve that person who treats us well.

    Michael, in my case I saw the breakup coming….just didn’t think it would happen when it did, I thought I had time to talk to him and “fix” it. I am so sorry you are going thru this pain….I understand that you would feel devastated, I would as well. It does help to talk to others about it because when dealing with heartbreak we can feel like nobody understands what we are going thru and therefore we feel alone. This forum has really helped me not to feel that way. My friends and family have been great with listening to me and telling me that I’ll get thru it and come out of it knowing more about myself and loving myself but they can’t give me the advice like I’ve gotten on here…it really has helped a lot.

    #40762

    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi! I’m new here, and really joined just because I wanted ask my own question, but I wanted to read around first.

    Kim, everyone pretty much nailed it with what they’ve said, and I couldn’t have said it better. The hardest part of dealing with things out of control, is well, dealing with things out of control. I agree with Letty, in that you’re missing the idea of him, rather than him, especially if you saw the breakup coming.

    I mostly wanted to comment to remind you not to get discouraged. Every day will get better, undoubtedly. I also want to remind you to look back to a previous hardship you’ve faced before, and remind you how well you’ve handled it. Or maybe you didn’t handle it well. Either way, you’re a better person because of it. I can only hope that before you realize it, you’re going to be looking back on this, too. I’m sure you will realize WHY he was put in your life for the amount of time he was, and what lessons he taught you. (even if it’s something silly, like how to make a better sandwich.)

    I fully believe that everything happens for a reason, even if they’re unclear or extra crappy in the beginning.

    Best of luck, lady!

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