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The question that lingers on my mind

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  • January 15, 2017 at 10:53 am #125303
    Chiarosu
    Participant

    I always have a question in my mind when I get hurt by people I trust the most. Why do I trust these people again and again ?
    It seems like I try to convince myself that these people are just right for me. These people help me out of problems but they don’t even notice how I feel, they only see what I want them to see. I try to be helpful towards everybody and would do everything for them because I don’t want them sad or broken. But when it comes to me they don’t care or just act like they care, but they don’t. So why do I stay with them ? Because they are there for me even when they don’t help me.
    But is it right that I live like this or am i just to selfish to expect the people treat me the way I treat them ?

    January 15, 2017 at 11:04 am #125305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chiaroscuro:

    Why do you trust (again and again) people who repeatedly hurt you?

    My attempt at an answer:

    Because you need to feel safe, so if you make believe these people are trustworthy and will not hurt you again, then you feel safe.

    You NEED safety, so instead of choosing trustworthy people to have relationships with (that will promote real safety), you choose the FEELING of safety in-between-hurts by people who are not trustworthy.

    Why?

    Because you grew up with untrustworthy parent or parents and you are used to it. You don’t perceive the possibility that there … really are people who are worthy of your trust. It simply wasn’t your experience during your Formative Years (childhood, when you were formed).

    anita

    January 15, 2017 at 1:54 pm #125337
    Chiarosu
    Participant

    thanks for your honest opinion @anita .

    January 15, 2017 at 2:21 pm #125339
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chiaroscuro:

    What do you think of my attempted answer- is it at all correct, partly, wholly or not at all, for you?

    anita

    January 16, 2017 at 7:12 am #125398
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi chiaroscuro,

    At our core we are tribal people. We need to have other humans around us, like goats in a herd. Example, goats don’t actually help each other in a direct way, but they hang out together. A lost goat will nuzzle up to the herder who finds him simply because the herder smells like other goats.

    People will loosely claim they care for others, and of course they’ll help when asked. But you don’t want to have to ask. You are searching for a deeper tiered connection. You will find it, but that usually is found in good spouses, adult children and in people who have known you forever. Yes, you can find it but you can’t look for it or force it, I’ve found.

    So don’t put yourself down for wanting to be around people and don’t expect much from people either.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    January 16, 2017 at 7:36 am #125402
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi chiaroscuro,
    I have such empathy for you!

    I’ve been in this situation and only recently I have managed to dig deep and find the answers I have been searching for, here are my findings, some generic, some locked to me.

    When I was younger I am 1 of 4 older brothers and sisters. I was a very good child and by being good I was rewarded. My brother and sister (minus one brother) were quite ‘naughty’ I remember looking around at them thinking why are they being so naughty? Strange.

    These siblings had a different father to me, and although I know my Mum loves me, I always felt a gap in myself that only seemed to be filled by a man in my life, because I was loved heavily by my Dad, being his only child, my Mums love didn’t come close.

    I didn’t love, care or respect myself enough. I put up with bad behaviours, because like you, I just wanted to see the good in people. But amongst doing that I put myself at the bottom of the pile.

    I didn’t open up about how I felt, what I wanted or what I needed, so my needs weren’t met.

    It’s only when you’ve had enough you realise what you’ve been doing. It’s taken me 10 years to realise this. The only way you can start to make changes is to realise what you want and need from people – it wasn’t clear if you were referring to a romantic relationship, or relationship with people in general. And you don’t accept anything less than what you want/need. You start saying no when you don’t actually want to do something and you start putting boundaries in place on what you will not accept.
    There are lots of good books out there you can read to help you, just type stuff in google, but read the reviews first 🙂

    January 16, 2017 at 8:05 am #125404
    Chiarosu
    Participant

    @anita I think it is partly correct but it was a differten view to see my situation, thanks again.

    January 16, 2017 at 8:08 am #125405
    Chiarosu
    Participant

    @inky Thanky you for your opinion it is a good advice.

    January 16, 2017 at 8:09 am #125406
    Chiarosu
    Participant

    @poppy thank you too for your advice and I will try to put boundaries.

    January 16, 2017 at 9:42 am #125418
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, chiaroscuro.
    anita

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