Thank you for allowing me this platform to share my story. I’ve used Tiny Buddha as a tool to help me process a lot of the difficulty I’ve found in my relationships.

Through some therapy, I realized that codependency was a huge part of my life. I was raised by an alcoholic, and grew up to be mature beyond my years, but dependent on others. Not others to take care of me. I was drawn to people that I could take care of and try to fix. I was a bit ashamed to realize this was my pattern. I didn’t usually gravitate towards the best people. And no matter what I tried to ‘fix’, I always made things so much more difficult for myself. The other person would usually get frustrated… My relationships were always a mess.

The past few years, I met a man who was absolutely wonderful to me. But, I knew that there was something underlying that I was drawn to. He proposed, and then a few months later I moved in. Immediately upon moving in, he got extremely sick. His liver was failing. He was an intense alcoholic. I’d like to say I had no idea, but unfortunately I did. I knew that he had a bad habit. I stayed anyways. I accepted his proposal. I moved in. During all of it, my body was going through so much stress and anxiety. I was having intense mood swings. I couldn’t understand why I kept feeling so out of control. I wasn’t listening to my body when it was screaming that I needed to change.

He recovered and we tried to work through it, but it became so obvious to me that I had a lot to work through. I didn’t know who I was outside of someone trying so hard to fix and control people and my environment. But, patterns like to keep you stuck. Not too long into moving out, a man who I had strong feelings for for years finally approached me and asked to spend time together. I was giddy. Yes! A way to forget about my ex and that pain! Let’s jump on in. HE love bombed me, and I was head over heals. But I was working so hard on being mindful of what I could handle. I wanted to be with this person so badly, and I would have done anything to not mess it up. I was open, honest, caring. But not even two weeks in, he gradually pushed me away. My emotions were too much for him. I had no idea what an avoidant personality was. I was about to find out.

The struggle was real. I didn’t have any other future pictured outside of the one I wanted with him. He said he loved me, and that we had forever. Why wouldn’t he talk things through with me? Why did I make him feel like he was drowning? Why was it all my fault that he didn’t want to spend time together? My view of myself just plummeted. It took far longer than it should have, but with a little help from Tiny Buddha, I learned. I learned about his avoidant tendencies. He fit them to a ‘T’.

But, I also have learned so much about myself. I don’t have it all figured out. Through a lot of emotional yoga sessions and patience that felt like pulling out my teeth, I finally had that realization. That clarity that I was craving. I had to stop forcing it and looking so hard for it.

My ex fiancé was doing the best he could. I was too. This avoidant individual could only handle what he could handle. I still embraced him during a difficult transition in my life. But, I didn’t have to keep putting up with it all. I had a choice to move on, but I was letting myself get stuck. Turns out, I didn’t have to put up with being treated the way I was. By others and by myself. It was shocking. I didn’t have to feel so guilty leaving a man who had so many issues to sort out himself. I didn’t have to allow Mr. Avoidant to keep pushing me away and pulling me in with those infamous breadcrumbs. I could let go and move forward.

This is not to say I don’t have a lot of work to do. But today is the first day in a long time that I finally feel like myself again. I don’t think I really have for years. And I wanted to share this. Because if even one person can read it and get some more hope for themselves, I’d be so happy. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever feel better. I went through the panic attacks, the sadness, the hopelessness. But, clarity and resilience were waiting for me on the other end. Let yourself lean into the anger a little bit. Tell yourself what you deserve, not what other people say you do or treat you like. And stop pushing yourself to feel better. You need to feel it all. I know it sounds so unreasonable, but it’s so very very true.

Thank you. 🙂