July 25, 2013 at 11:07 pm #39226
My ex and I used to fight a lot, so we both said awful things…
Someone once told me that people express how they really feel when they are angry and thats killing me… I cant stop thinking about the negative memory I supuse I left on him, I supose that for all the words he said in fights, it hurts because I did loved him, and I wish he could remember me the way I do, with so much love despite everything.. I dont know how to deal with this.July 26, 2013 at 6:28 am #39231
The Buddha said anger is like a hot ember that we hold in our hand. It burns us, causing pain, and we want to spread that pain. We do not express “true feelings” rather “painful and barbed words”. Said differently, when we are angry the pain swallows our attention and we lash out with weapons like a snarling beast. I have no doubt there is much more to you than weapons, more than a beast. Let it go, we all say dumb things from time to time… our mistakes don’t define us, they teach us.
MattJuly 26, 2013 at 9:53 am #39241
Well said matt! So why do people always focus on the bad comments or insults rather than the good memories? Why is it that we always remember the bad things that people said after a break up? A friend once told me in Spanish translated in English, “sometimes I’d prefer a nudge or slap in the face over the words that person is expressing.” I do believe we all say horrible things during an argument and that sometimes it seems like a person expresses more of who they are and how they truly feel when they are upset. When I have argued in the past I felt like I always said things I never would be caught saying had I been in a better mood. I’ve always been told to think before I speak because when I lash out it can be very hurtful….Matt in other posts you have mentioned how the past can cause a bump in the road and can feed into our everyday lives and actions….I do believe that when we say ugly things toward each other or a loved one its because we are still carrying the past around and haven’t yet healed from it. It is better to stay quiet and talk to someone once you have taken the time to sort things out and have calmed down…it is a hard process for everyone, but in time it gets easier to do. Best wishes. EJuly 26, 2013 at 7:41 pm #39265
I’m so glad you posted this. I’ve held this same belief my whole life and never thought before to question it.July 26, 2013 at 7:52 pm #39266
Its quite a funny paradox. We get angry because we care. If we didn’t, (and when we don’t) it doesn’t rile us up.
In response to your question, I don’t think we focus on the bad… but rather pain is designed to get our attention. Its how we know something it amiss. For instance, if our whole body is great, but one toe is stubbed, its like the entire body is that toe. Said differently, its not that anger holds some special power, but if it goes unhealed it produces a canker in the mind. Buddha described these as defilements, like how 99% of the air in the room could be quite normal, but if 1% is a rotten egg… whoa baby!
This is why healing and self nurturing is so important. It not only cleans the air, heals the toe, but it also roots our view into the purity, so that the 1% doesn’t seem like the 100.
MattJuly 27, 2013 at 8:48 am #39283
Andre, you said you both said angry and hurtful words. Did you truly mean everything you said while you were angry?
Anger, to me, is like alcohol. When we’ve had too much to drink we all say things that, in the morning, aren’t so true. Anger blurs our senses, our values and beliefs. Anger can be a good tool. It can alert you to something that isn’t right. But when indulged in too much or not restrained with logic, its purpose is to wound. Unfortunately, some of those wounds don’t heal well.July 28, 2013 at 5:21 pm #39344
A few weeks ago my father told me he was sorry for something. Something that happened when I was a child and I never gave it a second thought back then. He yelled at me one day for some reason when I was a kid and he told me that he was wrong and could never let it go, even after all these years. I remember what happened, it wasn’t even that big of a deal, but to him the words that came out haunted him for years. I could see the weight coming off his mind when he told me and I said it was cool and I forgave him and never thought bad of him. I know I’ve said some things that I wish I could take back, and I was in the same situation with my ex. I told this person I was so sorry for what I said. My anger lasted a few minutes, but my love lasts forever. We did not see each much after we broke up, but I know in my heart things were set straight with us and we’re cool. I wish you so much Peace and happinessJuly 29, 2013 at 11:44 am #39371
I’ve been feeling so much better since I posted this, reading all your good words.
3 days after I posted this, I was working like in a normal day, I checked my phone to see the clock and there it was, 3 messages from this person…
I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it, like I said I didn’t know anything about him since that last horrible fight and I didnt expect to, never again and there it was… I was so nervous and scared, my first thought was that the messages were complains or angry words again, but for my surprise, he sent me a photo of a meaning letter he wrote to me in the days of our relationship and he apologize for everything, I was so relieved, that was the opportunity I needed, we talked and everything end great.
Yes, we do say awful things when we are angry, but yes there is more to us and to others than weapons when we love.