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  • June 15, 2017 at 3:53 pm #153534
    thomas
    Participant

    Hey everyone,

    My names thomas i posted a little while ago about my heartbreak and loneliness. I thought i would write this post because i need some clarity and advice or even opinions. So from my last post i moved to a different state and lost my partner because of it and within 2 months she had found someone else… that was 3 months ago now. I was doing better and beginning to feel happy again until me and my ex started talking again frequently. Now she is telling me she misses me and would cheat on her current bf eith me ib a heartbeat (which i will not do if she is with this guy) but she told me she is not gonna see him anymore and wants to fly over and spend the weekend with me. Well to be honest this made me exetremely happy and excited and gave me hope maybe we could rekindle. But it also brought back allllll those feelings i was trying to heal from. The thing is we have long loving conversations together about our relationship and how we are best friends and how nobody understands us like we do. But then the day after she hardly speaks to me.. and i have to initiate every conversation.. and when she replies its 3 or 4 word sentences… it angers and upsets me… i guess my problem is i disbelieve what she tells me about her feeling because if i truly ment something and was importsnt to her wouldnt she wana talk to me?. Maybe im being selfish in thinking she has to everyday. I am currently seeing someone but its purely as friends which is nice becwuse i have someone to do things with.. but in my mind nobody compares to my ex.. she sais she still loves me and if i didnt move to a different state we would still be together… im confused and frustrated.. i love talking to her but i feel likes shes hot and cold… i dont know if any of this makes sense but im really venting lookin for help. If shes not sending me messages or if im initiating every message does this mean she doesnt find me important? Does it mean shes having trouble? … i dont want to ask her before im sure because i dont want to start arguments or seem like im trying to be controlling or needy.

    June 15, 2017 at 4:27 pm #153538
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    I remember your earlier postings,  your struggles, and you working on a path to healing.

    I have no idea what your ex is up to. I don’t think it matters, and it may be a waste of your energy to agonize about why she does what she does.  If I’m hearing you accurately, her behaviors are triggering a lot of upset in you. Unless she absolutely is done with her recent fling, and reliably connects with you without this hot and cold nonsense, I’d suggest that you discontinue contact with her. You could even say that to her, but beware that for a short while, she’d behave wonderfully, just enough to pull you in again.

    I’m not saying that I think it’s impossible for you and she to have a healthy relationship, but I do think that what’s happening now is just teasing you.

    June 15, 2017 at 6:32 pm #153550
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    It seems everytime we go through so much pain, heartbreak, lonliness, anger, grieving, about a break-up..wishing they would come back to us, missing them, the memories, etc..then, when we *finally* start getting over the pain and move on with our lives, and become happy once again, here come ourut ex’s wanting us back. Happens to many of us.

    Happened to me, except it took me four years to get over the love of my life, the man I thought I would marry. He cheated on me once while we were engaged. We were both very young. I was very naive. I forgave him..my friends always told me “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I didn’t listen and I should have. Would have saved me alot of misery. He did it again. Then we broke out engagement off. Ten years later, he showed up at my door, God, he looked handsome, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He still is to this day at 55 years old. He was married with twins when he showed up at my door, told me he still thought about me all the time, missed us, me, was in an unhappy marriage and wanted to rekindle our romance. I felt nothing for him.

    I’m so glad I never went back to him, because, what they say is true, once a cheater, always a cheater. Please, don’t go back to her. You have made so many positive strides and growth and are happy now, if you went back to her, it is very hard to rekindle an old flame, and it doesn’t sound like she has grown very much and you would not be happy. Just keep being happy without her, the door will open up for someone who won’t feel the need to cheat. Keep us posted.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
    June 16, 2017 at 7:11 am #153636
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    When you think of your ex, do you believe, based on your overall experience with her, that she is indeed “hot and cold”, that is, impulsive, unpredictable, unreliable?

    If so, this is who she is and has been and you can reasonably expect the same to continue. She will fly to see you, have close, passionate time together, fly back to her home… and maybe have a relationship with the same man or a new one, cutting down on communication with you to the bare minimum..

    Following which, maybe, she will impulsively break up with the other man, rekindle the communication with you… and here we go again.

    I am suggesting a possibility for your consideration based on your knowing of her. What do you think of it?

    anita

    June 16, 2017 at 3:06 pm #153726
    thomas
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate all the input. She stated she told her current partner the only reason she isnt still with me is because i had moved to a different city. And she has been saying things like no man has ever compared to me and she still loves and misses me. Even last night we spoke at length about our love and she even cried at one stage so the love isnt lost which deep down i am greatful because she still cares. I know its not viable at this stage and all the flying back and forth would be like reopening a wound, but i wouldnt say no. I am back in her city in another 2.5 years and yes that is a long time and alot can change in that time. With the whole hot and cold scenario i think maybe my expectations are unrealistic as she has her own life at the moment. She did say to me everytime we talk for hours about our love in depth it feels good for awhile after but then it sinks in we are still 1000km apart now and then the communication goes back to minimsl which my logic sais fair enough. I wish i could just think with my head and not my heart for once. She did say to me if she flies over to see me it by no means secures her. She is purely with her current partner whom she has stated she doesnt wana see anymore but he kills her loneliness and from what she has said he feels the same. Im still tying to find clarity. Why does my heart say she is the one when my logic tells me im using all my energy dragging my baggage through my only chance at life… like an achor. Anyway im babbling on now, just needed to clear my thoughts. If we arnt meant to be together ever agaib i just hope i can find someone and share something so amazing once more.

    June 17, 2017 at 6:02 am #153760
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    I think it’s highly likely you will share something amazing with someone again. However, from my distant vantage point, I don’t see how you can have this with your ex as long as 1) she is with someone else (regardless of her justifications), 2) there is a lack of mutual commitment to communicate consistently, and 3) you and she don’t come up with a plan to be in the same city.

    At a bare minimum, her involvement with this other guy makes it nearly impossible for you to have honest and healthy communication with her, as I doubt she is having honest and healthy communication with the other guy. Triangles are typically really toxic.

    June 17, 2017 at 11:43 am #153794
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    I saw a quote once, and I think about it quite often, because there is so much truth to it, I feel, the quote is “if a man (or woman) really wants to be with you, they would be with you, period”. I think about that quote when I think about men I have met from different states or countries. In other words, no “excuses, no other people in the mix, if that person really was the one for you, they would move heaven and earth to be with you, otherwise, it wasn’t meant to be. I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
    June 17, 2017 at 9:27 pm #153820
    thomas
    Participant

    Thank you both for your input. My logic sais to me do your thing ley her do hers and if theres still interest or enough love left to see if we could pick things back up in 2 years once im back in the same city. My logic has never led me astray as long as i can remember i just wish i could use that logic to reason with my heart. She is now following me on social media and we talk most days but i refuse to follow her at this stage to prevent the hurt. Yes its true if she wanted to be with me she would be. Logic in a nutshell. Im not sure how i feel about her coming over to see me later this year.. she also wants to bring her kids one weekend which one side of me wants nothing more but the other knows the hurt that will be involved. She did say it will not secure her, so im thinking and hoping it wont push me back to square 1.

    June 19, 2017 at 5:18 pm #154058
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Thomas

    I’m sensing alot of doubt and hesitancy in your post. You said “I’m not sure, how I feel about her coming over, then there’s the kids” “I just wish” almost like you are trying to convince yourself so much, but you are just not sure. When someone is the right person for you, there is no doubt, hesitancy, second guessing, uncertainty, confusion. You just know it’s right. Your heart knows. There is no doubt, no uncertainty. I hope this makes sense? What are your thoughts?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
    June 19, 2017 at 6:30 pm #154070
    Macy
    Participant

    Thomas

    I think you’ve been given some great advice. I will only add that when one makes excuses for someone else’s behaviour…deep down you know the answer.

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