This is the end of the road for me.

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This topic has 27 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by Brandy.

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September 17, 2018 at 11:25 pm #226131

Pain
Participant

This is going to be a long post, I will try to get everything off my chest.

I am from a third world country, in my early twenties and I am unfortunately a guy. So quality of my life is pretty much supposed to be dependent on my height and brains. I didn’t get any of them. I am only 5’6”, shorter than most people on this planet and I am also very dumb. From my my childhood I have seen so many people call me dumb that now I believe that it’s true. I have zero talents, zero achievements. I have nothing going on in my life.

Over the years I have realized how brutal life can be. In life, it’s everyone for themselves. Emotions don’t work, only logic does. You want everything to go well, but it doesn’t. At least not for everyone. No once really cares how hard your life is. I am a very bitter person after facing so many harsh truths in life. It made me tougher, but not tough enough. I am still a big softy inside, I sometimes find myself caring for others, which is stupid. My dumbass brain should have realized by now that after what I have been through, no emotions should exist in me. I envy the people who claim that they have no emotion. I wish I could live like that. No feelings, no nothing.

Speaking of my dumbness, I have to put emphasis on the fact that I am profoundly autistic. I am so dumb I can hardly believe it. I find myself wordless when I arguing with someone, I am useless in social situations. I can’t manipulate people to do what I want. I never had any friends, no social contacts, no one in my life. My own parents hate me for being autistic. It’s not like I chose to be like this.

My parents are threatening me that I must get to get a job or they will kick me out. Getting a job is beyond my capabilities. I am clueless in work environment, people don’t trust me and stab me in the back. I have met so many horrible people in my 3 years of university life. During group work, most people don’t like me and say that I am a burden to the group. I try to contribute the most but people still think I am slow and disgusting. I don’t what would be so wrong if people showed me a bit of kindness.

I don’t know why the word ‘kindness’ is even in the dictionary. I have been put down by people my whole life. Very few have been nice to me and by very few, I mean 1 or 2 people. In school, I was the shortest and the least liked kind at school. My parents never gave a damn about my nutrition while I was young, they only fed me rice. I was suffering from malnutrition and I had stunted growth. All the boys were so much taller than me ( like almost a feet) that sometimes the teachers thought that I belonged to kindergarten. I was bullied and beaten by so many kids that I have lost count. It makes me feel pathetic to have been treated like this. Some kid threw a rock at my left eye and it didn’t heal properly. It still hurts from time to time. I remember one kid even talking about raping me. He was gay or something but it didn’t happened so I was lucky. I was already in a shitty situation at that time and all this bullying, mistreatment made it harder for me to focus on my studies. I somehow still manage to get very good grades but that changed in university life. I now can’t take it anymore. I have horrible grades ( F’s and D’s) but sometimes I end up with A’s in some courses. I can’t even give a fuck anymore when my life is literally a piece of shit. I have lost hope for everything.

Now I get to the other thing which is frustrating me to death. I am fucking poor. My parents are dumb as rocks and they have very poor social skills. Where we live, we are at the bottom of the ladder. We are targeted by people and made fun of for being an outcast. My dad is pretty old, likely to dies in a few years. He makes his money by renting out apartments in our building, but the income is till very low. We barely make enough to survive. I can’t help but look at people who have been given so, so much. I get that life isn’t fair, but the bitterness of this situation is beyond words. I don’t know what to say to describe what I feel. I just see shit everywhere. My life is utter shit. If my dad dies, there will be no one to handle the business so we will likely be lose everything. The only property we have is our house. All the income comes from it. I am autistic so I can’t handle the business either. I have a feeling someone will illegally take over the business if my dad dies.

With my mental handicaps, I will likely never land even an entry level job. Starting my own business is out of the question because I am dumber than rocks. I will never make it out of poverty. I will likely die dirt poor. I had to block many people from my facebook ID because they always post pics of their expensive cars and their luxurious life and I literately cry when I see stuff like that. It’s too much. All the kids who were hurtful to me have it much better than me. They have so many followers on facebook, a decent family, money, a job, gf everything I want. Its like I was born to suffer. Karma is bullshit. Everything is against me.

I have absolutely nothing to live for. Everything in me is dead. The only thing that works is my heart. Maybe that will stop one day too. I feel so much pain that I feel my hears about to explode.

I would have killed myself already if I wan’t such a coward. I don’t have the strength to go through that physical pain that comes with the methods I cant afford – like hanging and stuff like that. I don’t have the money to go to a country whee euthanasia is available.

Thank you kind world. You have given me so much. I can’t ever repay the debt. And all the people are absolutely wonderful. I hope all of them enjoy their lives to the fullest except me of course. Just leave me to rot in this third world shithole.

September 18, 2018 at 12:13 am #226135

Pain
Participant

I am sorry for all the spelling mistakes. I am emotionally unstable now and I can barely think straight. There’s no edit button either so I guess it’s stuck like that. Sorry for making it so hard to read.

September 18, 2018 at 4:10 am #226147

coconut
Participant

Hello.

Your spelling was good and I understood all your post, so don’t worry.

The problem is not that you have feelings and emotions. It’s a part of our human nature, we are not robots, everyone has feelings and emotions. People told you you are dumb and bullied you and you accepted it and acted like a victim, like you deserve it, and it’s your fault that you get hurt by that. It’s not your fault, it’s normal to feel hurt in those situations. Your fault is that you didn’t speak up for yourself and you let them do and say whatever they wanted and you believed them.

You say that people only care about themselves because your quality of life is imposed by how people treat you. So if they would treat you nice and seem that they care for you this will help you because right now you think you don’t have the ability to speak up for yourself and show people that you don’t accept to be treated badly. You don’t need strangers to care for you just so you can live happily. It’s not healthy. Get out from this victim mentality, speak up for yourself, teach people how you want to be treated and what you won’t accept and then you’ll feel better.

From what you wrote you don’t really seem dumb, as you say.

Try and get some specialized help, so you can get a job and maybe make a better life for yourself.

September 18, 2018 at 7:28 am #226161
Pain
Participant
@coconut thanks but I think you have a wrong perspective about life. I have seen many people like who say things like- “That man is homeless because he is a lazy fuck. He deserves to be poor.” or “You deserved it because you are a weirdo” without even knowing what situation that person is in.

I am not saying we don’t have choices in life. However that only applies to average people. People like me who are mentally handicapped, we don’t have the power to do stuff like the average person. I already said in my post that I am quite low on the autism spectrum. My social skills never grew no matter how much I tried. I have basically no idea about life. I don’t know anything.

Many people talk about specialized help but I never found it. Where is it?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Pain.
September 18, 2018 at 8:20 am #226167

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pain:

You were fed mostly rice as a child (born to poor parents in a third world country) , so you didn’t grow as tall as you would have otherwise, if your nutrition was better. You were bullied in school because you were short. A kid threw a rock at you and hurt your left eye. As a result of poor parenting and bullying, perhaps your social growth (not only your physical growth, your height, that is) was stunted. You were then bullied for being … socially awkward, or unskilled, I understand. And now, you look at your life and don’t see much promise in it, not for a short, autistic young man of a poor family in a third word country.

I will take a short break from your story and refer to another man, one who was born in a first world country, the USA and to a wealthy family. He had excellent social skills, so much so that he was able to carry on decades of a successful career as a stand up comedian and an internationally famous movie star. And yet, not too long ego, it was “the end of the road for (him)”. I am referring to Robin Williams. For him, his life was not worth living, so he ended it.

Back to you: you have your life to live, this one life that is available to you. It wasn’t fair and it isn’t fair. Bad things led to more bad things, as it often happens. If life was fair, when something bad happens, you would be compensated for that bad thing with something good happening. Not so in real life, bad things happening bring about… more and worse things happening. I wish it wasn’t like that, but I don’t make the rules, of course.

So you make the best out of the life that is available to you, this very one you wake up to in the morning. This is all anyone can do. Better not see what-is and compare it to an imaginary could-be. When I was miserable, I too thought everyone else was having a good life. As I proceeded in my healing process, I found out it is not true.

I will stop here. Maybe you will respond to me with your thoughts and feelings and we can continue to communicate, if you would like.

anita

September 18, 2018 at 11:26 am #226205

coconut
Participant

Hello again.

When I told you about specialized help, I was thinking that maybe you can find something on the internet, since you don’t have the money.

I am not “specialized” so I’m sorry if my answer didn’t help you. Just wanted to tell you my opinion.

September 18, 2018 at 12:04 pm #226209
Pain
Participant
@coconut I didn’t mean to be rude or offensive in my earlier reply. I was tired when I wrote that and maybe was too direct. You tried to help and I appreciate that
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Pain.
September 18, 2018 at 12:15 pm #226213
Pain
Participant
@anita I want to take the time to appreciate what you have wrote for me. As you can see, I do compare my life with other people’s. It is a bad habit I picked up over the years. I get that in this life we have only ourselves to work with and comparing with others is useless, but it’s not easy to give up.

I am interested in the healing process you mentioned, what is it and how has it made you feel better?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Pain.
September 18, 2018 at 1:36 pm #226223

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pain:

There is a whole lot to the healing process, much more than I can write about in a post. I am not focused now and would like to return to your thread in about 14 hours from now. If you want to add any thoughts before I am back, please do. I will respond to you when I am back. And I do hope you feel better soon!

anita

September 19, 2018 at 6:46 am #226307

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pain:

“I am interested in the healing process you mentioned, what is it and how has it made you feel better?”-

My healing process started March 2011 and it is still ongoing. When it started, it was “the end of the road for me”, like it says in the title of your thread. In many ways it has been the end of the road for me year after year, decade after decade. I was almost always anxious, miserable, comparing my life enviously to others, making bad choices and living a dysfunctional life. My comfort was in daydreaming and occasional short breaks-from-misery that I needed desperately.

I believed as a child and onward that there is something very wrong with me and that I am inferior to other people, oh how painful it has been believing these things. How angry I was at others for being superior to me, as I thought they thought so, they knew… everyone knew I believed, that I was less than them. I wanted to be like them, I wanted to be one of them. But I was alone and lonely, an outcast, rejected, unwanted. I used to daydream that I was a famous dancer, dancing on stage in front of thousands of people and millions watching me dance on TV all over the world, I imagined the audience standing and clapping hands, cheering for me, fascinated by my dancing, by how talented I was and how beautiful, admiring me so.

In reality I didn’t dance and was oh so painfully alone, made fun of because I had those tics, part of what I later learned was called Tourette Syndrome. I was pointed at, made fun of, rejected.

How the process made me feel better: I don’t feel less than other people, what a relief this is! I can hardly explain to you how much better it feels to look at other people in the eye and not feel inferior to them! How good it feels to not … automatically apologize for being me or trying to pay people (treat strangers to meals, buy them gifts, even give money away) so that they will be with me, or like me.

And as I look people in the eye, my goodness, I see that they are not all happy like I used to believe, and more so, I see, I really see that they are not superior to me. The feeling, the belief of equality is something I didn’t experience before. I was either inferior in real life, or superior in my daydreaming.

There is much more, but this is enough for now. I hope to read more from you, your thoughts, your feelings, your questions for me, and I will reply further, if you would like.

anita

September 20, 2018 at 9:17 am #226473

Kate
Participant

Hey there. I am new here and was just having a look through the fourms and saw your post. I feel so sorry for you that I decided to make an account just to reply to you.

In your post, you speak about going through so much pain. I can understand that and it sucks that life hasn’t been as nice to you as it has been to many others. Life isn’t fair and it will never be fair. You need to stop holding yourself responsible for the bad things that have happned to you and it will lift a huge weight out of your mind. It isn’t your fault that you were born to poor people in a third word country who fed you rice. It isn’t your fault that you are so short. It isn’t your fault that you are autistic. There’s so many things in life that we just don’t have any control over.

I honestly don’t kow what to tell you. You situation is quite complicated, too many problems with no one or nothing to help. But all I can say is, you need to hang in there. If you kill yourself, what was the point of going through so much pain? You are gonna live and you are gonna make life pay for being such a nasty bitch to you.

One of things that is frustrating you is your finnacial situation. I think that you need to get some help over there. Maybe you can open a gofundme and get some help? You need to go to a doctor and get medical help. Everyone calling you dumb and hurting you isn’t normal and I won’t sugarcoat this- there is something wrong with you or else so many people won’t be telling you the same thing.
Maybe seek out autsim foundations where you live and see if any help is available there.

Your fight is too big for you and you can’t go through it alone. You need serious help. First deal with you mental pain and learn some tools to help you in social situations. And one thing- you have to learn that in this world you have to be responsible for your problems. You can’t expect others to help you if you don’t help yourself. It’s your issues and no one can help you with them unless you step up.

I am not saying that life will be a walk in the park even after getting help, but it should be a bit easier. Maybe you will be able to earn money with professional help and get some stuff that will make you feel better.

Wishing you the best. I hope that your life gets better.

September 21, 2018 at 12:06 am #226557

Pain
Participant

Thank you everyone but I think that I am screwed. I was meant to kill myself.

Fuck life. It’s overrated anyway. Fuck you rich ass motherfuckers showing off your money. Fuck you socially clever people for bullying lower class people. Fuck you all.

September 21, 2018 at 5:02 am #226569

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pain:

As your username indicates, you are in pain. And you are angry. I hope you feel calmer soon and that you will be motivated to post again with your thoughts and feelings. Posting will not change life circumstances, and it will definitely not change what already happened. But it can help you to know that you are not the only one, and far from being the only one who feels alone, at “the end of the road”.

It only looks like everyone else is happy and fortunate, but it is not so, not at all.

If indeed this is the end of the road for you, maybe there is another road you can take, a better one.

anita

September 21, 2018 at 11:03 pm #226643

Bree
Participant

I am not very articulate so I don’t want to say much at risk of sounding like an idiot. But I do want to say: you are not dumb. Based on your post, you do know how to express yourself very well and I think you have a lot of potential. If you were able to overcome this, if you were able to see life for how precious it truly is and how much we can make out of it, then you could help so many others in your situation. You can help those with mental disorders (which I, too, suffer from) who are suicidal and thinking that they’re good for nothing. You can help them realize that they are worth something, just like you are. You can turn all that pain and anger into something good. I understand how you feel that life is pointless, that you’re not useful and better off gone. I have felt that way so many times. The truth is that we only get one life. And our life is pointless unless we give it our own purpose. My purpose is to be as happy as possible and live with no regrets, no matter how awful the situations I get into can be. Since we only have one life I am determined to make the best of it even when everything else seems to be going against me. Honestly, other people’s opinions are irrelevant. Them bullying us and judging us only shows how weak and unhappy they are with themselves. It doesn’t reflect on us at all. Okay I know I’m getting kind of preachy here but please believe me when I say that you are worth something. You are so special, even if the people around you can’t see it. But I can see it.

I know you said you don’t have any friends but I’d love to change that. I also don’t have many friends as I’m a big introvert and find it hard to connect to people. But I would really enjoy having a friendship with you. I think we could help each other a lot on our journeys. If not, I totally understand. Please just remember that you are special and you are worth it. You only have one life and once it’s gone you don’t get a second chance. So please be strong and fight for the life you have.

September 22, 2018 at 9:10 am #226677

Brandy
Participant

Hi Pain,

You are not dumb, that’s for sure. You write far too intelligently to be dumb. And your social skills are better than you think they are. For example, when you wrote this:

I didn’t mean to be rude or offensive in my earlier reply. I was tired when I wrote that and maybe was too direct. You tried to help and I appreciate that

you were demonstrating an awareness of the tone of your post. That’s a social skill! Very well done!

I wish you would continue to write here.

B
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