Dear Glet:

You were very disappointed this morning, getting that email that is making your plan unworkable at this point. No wonder you are sad. I understand the desire to end the pain the easiest and fastest way. Problem is the catch in that method, suicide, is that it is final. You wrote that you don’t want to hurt your father by committing suicide. I hope that somewhere deep in you, you don’t want to hurt yourself. It is difficult to see well being when you are sick and tired. So you think it is always going to be this way. It has been this way so often for so long, you can’t see how it can be any different. But it can be different. It can be that one day you will want to live for yourself, because it is interesting enough, and sometimes even pleasurable and often enough peaceful, calm.

What is it, Glet, that makes you push (good, perhaps) people away? Why is it that makes you want to be alone? Who hurt you? How did he/ she/ they hurt you? Let him (the part of you that wants to speak, to connect) tell his story here- I will listen and respond with kindness. I will not harm you.
anita

Dear Glet:

Even thought your step mother doesn’t say much to you (which is a good thing)- she doesn’t have to say much anymore to still have teh abusive affect on you. All it can take is a certain look in her eyes, a certain expression on her face, a certain word she uses- to trigger in your brain the words she used to say in the past. It can be a look on her face and the hurtful sentence of a whole abusive speech she has said in the past gets replayed in your brain… automatically, without you noticing the words. You get depressed even though you don’t necessarily “hear” the words from her mouth or replayed in your brain. It happens so fast.

The fact that living with your step mother is not a good place for you to be is a no brainer to me. The quesion is where else can you live? The China plan didn’t work out. Is there a plan B or C? Can there be? Wherever you move to, whenever you do- can be worse or better than where you are now. The challenge is to make it better, work out the details, take the time to plan.

Obviously you can survive right now where you are, keeping yourself physically alive. Can you do better? Can you live in a place that will make it possible for you to experience life differently?

You asked how to not push (good) people away. What first comes to my mind is who you do need to push away (by moving out)- that is, you do need to push away the bad people in your life: your step mother.

How do you not push away the good people, or those people who may be good for you? I am getting stuck with the same answer: by pushing away your step mother.

I hope that you plan, plan moving out. It can be scary because it is possible to be in a worse place. But it is also possible to be ina much better place. I hope you focus on plan B: moving out, taking the time you need to do all the planning you do need to do. What do you think?

anita

Dear Glet:

Anytime- add to this thread. I will look for additional posts by you. Best wishes to you!
anita

Dear Glet:

Glad to read your post above. You are very welcome. I like what you wrote very much. I think you are on your way to a better life. Will look for more posts by you. I very much appreciate your kindness.
anita