the humidity makes it feel over 100, but the nights are cool. i wonder if i can make it to post 1000 in my lifetime;) another 458 posts to go;) i feel like tinybuddha has been my spiritual journal and i can write my thoughts and be myself on here. i think another reason i like to be alone is b/c so many people who are angry seem to let their anger control them and it snowballs into something bigger and i’m not like that. when i’m angry, i mostly start working out and releasing the anger and i have found that it is much better and saves energy to lower your voice and just walk away from a situation that makes you angry. when i’m angry or stressed i let my anger dissipate in music and dance and soon i am laughing at myself for being angry. life is meant to be lived and each minute spent in anger loses time in our lives to seek opportunities. i also believe that people learn in different ways such as tactile (hands-on mostly me), visual (seeing it being done, color-coding note: me), audio (hearing it being taught me with meditations) and repetition (doesn’t always work if you don’t understand material, usually practicing something helps me more). thanks a lot anita for helping me realize my talents:D i think i will use those terms when asking my teachers to write me college recommendations: “hardworking, compassionate, intelligent, skillful (this one is great b/c often times some people tell me i have no skills), talent and knowledge” (sometimes i feel like my knowledge is a bit incompetent and i am working on analyzing things better). my inner bully hasn’t been bothering me too much lately, so far it’s just trying to creep up with little attacks such as “you’re too ignorant to focus on science, focus on your weight.” sometimes the inner bully agitates me when it says “what are you doing reading ap biology, you should be working out. there are people who are healthier and prettier than you. you have no chance at being a scientist.” luckily, i’ve been able to catch the inner bully at its game and every time it tries to throw its ball against me, i pretend i’m a wall and the inner bully bounces back to its source.

good luck with your inner bully anita;) you have helped me lots and you are also an inspirational and compassionate friend. for the summer work for english 4 honors, i took notes mostly in the the book b/c i had my own copy of Brave New World. i didn’t answer the questions in a paragraph format (minimum of 4-6 sent.) like it said to, but i answered them quite simply with a few sentences. i find that i enjoy science and math more esp. pre-calc. i still remember most parts of the plot, i took a sparknotes quiz and received a 20/25. I don’t understand the reason John Savage hangs himself at the end of the story but i think it’s b/c of his disillusionment with the brave new world and the death of linda. i also wonder who henry foster is and his part in the story.
i wonder what caste lenina is and who she really loves. she seems happy to be part of society, but also has some debates esp. when she wants to see a savage reservation in new mexico. i think john savage is the director’s and linda’s son. i’m not sure who mustapha mond is as well, to me he seems to be the director, but maybe not. in the book, it explains how genetics are able to slow the aging process and keep people young and vibrant, but they only live till sixty. i don’t like the idea of predestination when they destine who will fit into which caste and there is a society without books. the soma drug reminds me of the drug abuse of modern society since people don’t want to deal with pain at times. i think it is cool that people can stay young until they reach sixty when they die b/c their cells are being restricted from their normal function. it is possible to slow the process of apoptosis (cell death) by inhibiting the enzymes that keep cutting dna telomerase strands short and causes aging, but since we are working against the normal process of our bodies we inhibit the functions of our body and don’t live as long. the questions for the summer reading require evidence from the text, so i just answered the main parts of the question and underlined the text in the book. i hope the teacher doesn’t collect the questions b/c then she will have to collect the book as well and it might be confusing for her/him. i like the scientific aspect of the book better than the literary aspects so my inner bully has been annoying me by saying “the teacher will fail you in her class b/c you didn’t pay attention to the literary themes, you paid attention to the sciences in this book.” while it’s true that i focused more on the scientific aspects than the literary aspects such as the theme, characters, pov and whatever else i’m more of a scientist than a literary person. i read books and write poetry for the overall theme and meaning not its parts, to me if i focus on the parts such as the grammar and everything else, it ruins the book’s main imagery and message. that is the thing i don’t like about english class, the teachers tend to dissect the book into so many parts and literary terms, that the book looses its meaning in a wider scope. dave says he doesn’t like to take notes when reading a novel b/c it takes away from his enjoyment of the novel’s true meaning and i think i understand what he means. dakota decided not to answer the questions at all, but read the book and take notes in it, that way he doesn’t have to be distracted by the questions and can get the whole meaning of the book. the questions are supposed to help us prepare to write an essay comparing a literary article to the book and take a test on it. the questions and test are counted as a project/essay grade in the 1st marking period. a lot of the questions correspond to the theme, conflict, character development and POV and they seem a bit repetitive.

here are the questions:

Using evidence from the text, explain the novel’s title.
How or when was the theme introduced into the novel? Identify two other details that helped shape the theme.
What is the overall theme of the novel. Cite evidence.
Using text, explain the conflict between the main character and someone else in the book.
What evidence from the text shows the character is working on a solution to the conflict.
If you could give any character advice who would it be and why?
Select a character from the novel that makes a change and explain the change citing text.
Choose three traits (from beginning, middle, end) to describe central character using textual support for each trait.
Explain the novel’s POV and cite from text.
How does the narrator’s POV explain how the events in the story progress, how would the story be different if the POV changed?

not to mention i think i hold back on physical relationships b/c my parents argue a lot over financial matters such as home repairs, internet, electricity and everything money related seems to be a complaint. they make the financial world seem so negative that it irritates me. i had another dream last night in which the buddha said to me “You don’t see the glass half-empty, but you see it half-full. You keep an optimistic outlook, but you also look at reality. You let things that are bad go and when you are angry, you like to be alone to let that anger out so it doesn’t harm anyone.” i saw myself on a cloud with the buddha also on a cloud above me and i had asked him “what is my philosophy on life? how do i view life” and that was his answer.

lately, i’ve been having dreams about a book with a recycled paper cover and paper with gold trimmings on the papers edges. every time i open the book, it seems to have most of its pages empty, but when i find insight in my dreams such as travel somewhere and obtain advice it’s written in blue ink there. the cover often seems to shape-shift between a buddha, phoenix and angel. i think it is the book of insight and my life story that i’m writing. also i found out that when i have a negative experience, it is written in black ink and the page seems to burn into ash and releases a dark shadowy figure who seems like my inner bully, but before the dark figure can take the book of my life, there is a brilliant white light and the shadowy figure dissipates. i think i am slowly eradicating the negative parts of myself and writing my life’s story. also the book represents knowledge of life skills and also the golden trimming represents happiness and possibly enlightenment. i have also been dreaming of a garden and a gate in which i enter and there are trees casting shade and a hammock. also i see myself running through the garden looking at the flowers and seeing the beauty of nature. ever since last thursday 8/11, when i fell running cross country on a hill. i landed mostly on the grass, but my left knee was bruised and scraped. so ever since that thursday, there has been a guy who has been watching out for me and he is one of the neighbors who used to do track. every time there is a hill and there might be a rock, he swerves his bike in a bit of an arc so i know to be careful. anyway, after four days i’m fine and can run again and it is in its stages of healing. i like having him around b/c he also likes to enjoy the sunrise and even though we don’t talk much, our expressions explain a lot. he enjoys being out in nature and i like running on the grass under the trees to keep cool. there is a sturgeon moon lunar eclipse tonight, i just received a email, i love getting news like this. the universe is amazing.

i hope that when i make a successful career of being a scientist, i might write a book about my life and i think i will include everyone who has helped me from google, facebook, tinybuddha.com and wherever else in life. i think my opening sentence on my college application essay called “How the Blog Changed my Life.” will be ‘There aren’t many places that can feel like home. Finding a place where you can be yourself is the best feeling that anyone can have. Here in the forums of tinybuddha.com, I have found somewhere where I can express my thoughts and work out my insecurities. At tinybuddha.com, I feel at home in a community that gives me words of wisdom. Looking back at all the posts I wrote on the forum of my life story called Too Criticizing of Myself, I realize I have grown from the insecure and confused person I was in middle school to someone with confidence and an idea of their career. ‘
my college doesn’t require an essay, but i’m preparing one when i transfer and need one. I’m going to work on tweaking it and adding more to it. since i still have senior year of highschool and 2 years at a community college to draft this essay, i hope to make it the best possible. anyway i think this essay will fit into the category of “moving beyond personal failures and entering into a new sense of self identity.”

in the meantime, i am working on ap biology. my inner bully was berating me today b/c i only received a 37/40 on my ATP essay. it was telling me how i made my information too detailed and how i didn’t synthesize the sources correctly. it told me how i am bad at taking notes, how i don’t know how to paraphrase things in simpler terms. it told me that if only i had listened to him, i would have gotten a perfect score. the inner bully made me quite irritated today, that i took out my ap biology book and started studying, as i was studying the inner bully was creeping into every corner saying that i should take notes here and not there. i told the inner bully to ‘shut up’ and with the image of an iron fist pushed him out of my mind. then i went back to my notes and kept a watchful eye for the inner bully just in case he would reappear, but he didn’t.