i often find myself surprised when some people tell me that i am confident and outgoing. my former ap world history teacher once told me that i was good at public speaking and great at improvising b/c there were times i had to change a word in the middle of a presentation and even though i was a bit nervous, i managed to do it w/o much of a slip-up. i have a natural quiet voice and it never gets loud enough for an auditorium full of people, but my voice when it’s at decent octaves often radiates what i’m feeling in a strong way. i may be feeling insecure, but my voice manages to make people think i’m still in control. i am quite reserved around people, but when there is a new person, i will be the first person to say hi and make a friend even if i feel a little shy. my inner bully seems to make situations worse than they really are such as when i’m outside with people and it will say “that person is saying that you are weak. that person thinks your ignorant. that person thinks you’re a bad athlete.” most of the time, the people i meet are quite nice and they smile at me and in turn i smile back. a lot of the teachers who meet me think i have an inner confidence and most don’t see the inner bully. often times i let the inner bully make me feel quite irritated with myself and become withdrawn from people b/c i think they are judging me when they are wondering if i’m okay. sometimes when people are watching me play a sport, my inner bully makes me miss a basket 50 times b/c it keeps telling me “they are saying you stink. you’re not healthy anyway. you’re not good enough for anything.” that is why even though i am good at sports, i may act like a klutz in front of people. the strange thing is that the inner bully affects me so much for sports and being on stage, but it doesn’t affect me during public speaking esp. when it comes to science or history. there are still some people who act mean, but that doesn’t mean everyone i meet is judgmental. i am often surprised when people tell me that they like my creative side, the side that laughs and runs through nature enjoying life to the fullest. i often thought that side would make me look weak and have my head in the clouds (it does to some people who don’t know me well), but often times people like it.

i think the inner bully often is strongest in environments that i’m still not the most comfortable at. i like academics so when it comes to academic subjects, my inner bully will fade once i become into the academic subject since i’m in my element, but since i’ve only done sports and athletics for four years, i still feel as if there’s places i need to work on. whereas in academics i’ve always enjoyed learning new subjects from fourth grade. also i am most often myself out in nature than being in crowded cities or places whom the people have confidence like the city council.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Janus.

also i learned not to be so self-conscious of myself from Portia de Rossi’s book called “Unbearable Loss and Gain” which is the true story of an actress who struggles with her body and ends up accepting herself. Portia talks about how as a teen, she hated being called average or normal b/c everyone in her family had many accomplishments such as being a doctor or being pretty. At first she wanted to be a lawyer, but her aunt and mom (portia’s dad died when she was young) liked Allison best b/c she was a model. Portia began to think she should also be a model as well and have people admire her. Portia never liked the modeling business, but she enjoyed acting so she decided to give it a shot. While modeling, Portia faced many letdowns from the people in the modeling business such as that she was a size eight and her stomach was too big and also her thighs. at 5′ 7” inches and 130, portia didn’t think she would be a good model. however, the pressure of the achievements and the interest of wanting to be recognized lead her to try. she hired a nutritionist, suzzane to help her diet and it worked, but portia began changing her diet to only 1,000 calories to speed her weight loss instead of the healthy 1,400. she kept a false diary to give to suzanne and a real diary to count her calories. when she felt that wasn’t enough, she began to lower her calorie intake to 800, to 400 and finally 300. she went from 130 to 110 to 105. every day she would keep index cards and work on losing 1-3 pounds until she was 105, a good weight. she was able to fit in a size six and was the envy of other models, but she still felt it wasn’t enough. she began to work out on the treadmill often counting her portions of food, afraid of even chewing gum would put 60 calories on her. she went to 95 pounds to 82 pounds and was quite happy with herself when she could fit into a size two. suzanne was worried about her and gave her a book called “The Beauty Myth” in which explains the myths of beauty for girls, but portia only thought she was fat. when her best friend sasha rejected her b/c she found out portia was gay (only portia’s mom knew and told portia not to tell anyone for fear of ruining her career), portia was even more in despair. anyway, suzanne called portia’s mom and told her about it. anyway, portia’s brother was also worried about her and followed her to her gym one day and when she was finished with her workout. her brother broke down and said “portia, you have to stop. you’re too thin. you’re going to die.” portia broke down, not b/c of her brother’s words, but b/c she cared about her brother so she lied and said she would gain weight, but she continued in the same way. portia would look at herself in the mirror and would think “sometimes i saw a young girl without curves or a young boy without his manhood that he would always have to measure, but i felt content to be at 82.” anyway, portia ended collapsing when she was in the middle of a scene production of ally mcbeal where she was taken to the hospital and the doctor said her electrolyte levels were low and her organs were in danger of failing and that she had lupus. the doctor prescribed portia with a diet and told her to rest for a while. while resting, the voice in her head kept telling her “get on the treadmill. you’re fat.” she was arguing with the voice saying “i can’t i’m sick. i have lupus.” the voice said “you are nothing but a pathetic loser, you were never a model.” portia told the voice “go to hell.” the silence in her head brought her relief and she realized that it was over, that it was done she would accept herself.
anyway, while modeling, portia also had doubts about herself such as her acne and when she went to a support group to help her accept herself, she told them she didn’t like anything about herself. there were times when portia didn’t want to model b/c she didn’t like the constant pressure of being beautiful and skinny. at first, she was bingeing and then she decided to get a nutritionist and anorexia crept up on her. yet she was able to recover fully. she also met ellen degeneres who loved her just as she was. after she gained her weight back to 130 again, she realized she didn’t care anymore about her weight.
like portia, i like acting and i don’t like being a model at all. i would have gone for the lawyer job if i was her in the book. portia says the one thing she hates about being an actor is that there is no privacy from photographers which is why i don’t want to be an actor. i think portia only wanted to feel accepted and be perfect that is why she decided to go for acting and modeling. she had been entranced at the way actors and actresses seem to catch the people’s eyes. also she wanted to be appreciated and be more than average. when she was young, her name was amanda rogers and there was another girl on her track team that was also amanda rogers and portia (formerly amanda) made third place. she could have made second, but she thought it was weird that there would be an amanda rogers one in first and the other in second, so she made third instead. she didn’t like her name b/c she felt it was too average and too normal. this book reminds me of the song by meghan trainor called “All about that bass” in which it says ‘i see the magazines, working the photoshop we know that ain’t real make it stop. every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.” the song talks about appreciating yourself for who you are and not what you look like, true beauty is on the inside not outside. it also says “i won’t be no stick figure or silicone barbie doll, if that’s what you’re into go ahead and move along.” portia also found hard to tell her brother she was gay even though she trusted him with many things, but when she told him, he still cared about her. also i think since beauty can be seen is why people like models, but intelligence and the inner spirit is felt with the heart. i like people who have an inner confidence and an inner beauty that makes them courageous through aspects of life. true courage isn’t about showing of your talents, it’s about being able to be strong whatever life throws at you. true inner beauty is when you are happy just being yourself and radiate the confidence.

Thanks for your advice anita;) i find that when i am overwhelmed with my thoughts, i turn on the music and i dance and i laugh and feel better. sometimes i wait for a week and write down the things i know about the topic and leave it there for a while and later i tackle it and i find that it is easier and i understand it better. i might not understand it perfectly, but i understand the topic enough to make connections to my own life, that’s what i love about science. i think in our teen years, we are still struggling between child and adult not sure of our place in the world. that is why i find myself easily given in to peer pressure. yey, i know what i believe inside and what i want, but sometimes its hard. my inner bully has been telling me “why are you trying so hard? you’ve got nothing to prove.” i’ve been fighting it by having a strong will and saying “i have everything to prove and i will do my best with whatever it takes.” being in ap classes and also being a decent athlete has put me into much competition with some of my peers. some think i can’t be an athlete and do well in school. some of the athletes are very condescending toward me b/c they think “i am wasting my time in knowledge being a geek.” they think i should spend all my time in sports.

I agree that most people don’t have a specifically designed career for them. people’s interest change from time to time and also the economy also changes. i have been doing ‘achieving my goals’ meditation and i find it has helped a lot. the guided meditations take you into a trance where you release anything negative that has been holding you back either from other people or by yourself. i often find myself calmer and more focused on my goals without having to wrestle with an inner bully. mercury turns retrograde today and there is a solar eclipse 9/1. i love the universe and the surprises never end:D there are no words to describe the beauty of the universe and nature. i think on my free time from being a molecular biologist, i will be out in nature studying environmental things and also studying astronomy. science has some stuff that corrupts such as the changing genes of children to make children perfect in parents’ eyes, but on the bright side, a child with a disease gene can be changed. so there is always a positive and negative side. i also find that i like spending time with adults and the elderly more than teenagers b/c the adults are more mature and the elderly teach me about the importance of life. volunteering at nursing homes and helping the elderly with a craft makes me realize that the simplest things in life are often the most meaningful and shouldn’t be taken for granted. just to see the sun rise in the morning and having people there to care for you is great. some of the hurtful bullying that i’ve received has mostly been from teens. some of the girls don’t like that i enjoy sports, some of the guys don’t think i’m athletic enough. i remember one of the hurtful comments one teen said to me “you could be a great athlete if you only worked out harder and didn’t have your head in the books.” i tend to balance both athletics and academics and i do it pretty well, but my main goal is to go for academics.