so my special friend’s gf is in my u.s history ii class and lately she has been jealous of me like she glares at me and mutters under her breath. she is very awkward around me even when i act polite and say hi. i think she feels worried that my special friend likes me more and i will steal him from her. i don’t think i would ever do that to her. in 10th grade, she was in my chem. honors class and i am still grateful to her b/c she helped me understand a chemistry topics better and she was very helpful in that class. if my special friend is happy with her and if she is happy, i’m fine with it. i feel bad b/c today i was a bit stressed from my classes and at lunch when my special friend tried to catch my attention, i ignored him b/c i just wanted to be alone. he had been a bit worried about me after 2nd block (u.s. history) when i saw him while going to my locker b/c he could tell i was a bit stressed even though i gave a makeshift impression that i wasn’t. so he tried to catch my attention at lunch, but i was busy focusing on school work and ignored him. i like my special friend and i know he is a loyal person with the people he cares about. i realized that every time he sees a blonde girl, he tenses up b/c they remind him of a former broken relationship that he had who the girl was mean to him, so when he sees a girl who is blonde, memories come back to him. i feel bad for him and i hope he gets over that memory. that memory is like an inner bully to him and also i can connect b/c i have my own inner bully from some of my memories. we are good friends although sometimes we argue and are unsure about ourselves.

i really enjoy wednesdays. even though i have a lot of work on those days, i always end up being ale to keep it organized and get it done. there is good karma on wednesdays. i am learning about product and quotient rule with derivatives in ap calc and they are relatively easy unless you are dealing with fractional exponents and radicals and you have to FOIL them. also walking to u.s. history ii, i met my special friend and we talked about our classes and we both smiled at each other. in u.s history ii today we talked about the harlem renaissance and the jazz age and it was interesting learning about the different artists involved. at lunch, my friend francine and i were laughing and having fun. storm at lunch was telling a story about trump and hillary and how both contestants weren’t good and it was quite funny. monday in our studybooks for ap biology, i was partners with alissa and keri and we were sitting next to each other (fun coincidence) and keri picked the teams. today,in ap biology alyssa, alissa, liz and i were helping each other prepare for the exam which is tomorrow. we were discussing molecules and alyssa and i were comparing notes, while alissa and liz were quizzing each other with vocab cards. i like keri, alissa, alyssa and liz because they are fun to be around, explain things well and also manage to be laid-back while also being ambitious at the same time. so i am getting the hang of alice computer programming, but i still need to work on making individual parts of objects move and aligning the camera. but i did my animation today and am relatively done, i just have to fix some things which the teacher said i can do the first 20 min of class tomorrow. i stayed after for ap calc today and the teacher explains things quite well so i understand how to use the power and product rules with fractional exponents and radicals. ray also stayed after and we were both helping each other with problems. ray is a bit like me in the way he acts like he is laid-back, but he also has a dramatic and funny side. sometimes my friends think i am very laid-back b/c they don’t see me being stressed over the tests and my notes are relatively organized, when beneath the surface i am a bit like “yipes!” although when i’m around people and i’m stressed, like ray, i tend to act it out like a play and it makes people laugh and in turn makes me laugh. this is why people think i am cool under pressure, but i’m not; i just take the pressure and let it turn into a dramatic “yipes! i’ve got five tests this week! i’m going to flip!” and in the mean time, i will flip my paper and pencil in the air to pretend i am flipping and people will laugh and that makes me feel better. ray is that way also when he is under pressure, he is like “yipes!” and he riffles through his notebook and puts his pencil through the spiral to make it vibrate and that makes people laugh also. i like your analogy to the inner bully being smashed with an M on a calculator b/c every time i use a calculator, i am going to think that;) i don’t think i’ll ever have a boyfriend b/c i am very independent and i tend to have high standards when it comes to a guy. i want someone who is a scientist (since i love science) and is good at math, knows about computers and toolworking, likes nature and camping, is a buddhist wiccan, is athletic (but not too vain with it), first aid and kind and accepting, laid-back. so i’m looking at a combination of andrew (computers, electronics, science, nature, camping, first aid, athletic), my special friend (nature, camping, higher power belief, athletic), dave (belief in angels, nature, athletic, first aid) and my dad (toolworking, athletic). andrew is very independent and easy to talk to and we share a lot of the same interests, but he likes to compete with me.

it’s okay anita:) i got a 91 on my java alice project. ray and anthony (good at computers) were helping me with the animations and the camera on thursday and it was presented on friday. i did a version of red riding hood. i like your idea and your theory. i also need to add to the list of bf potential: independent and serious, i am very independent and serious and enjoy being who i am and am not much of a flirt. if i like someone, i will invite them and a group of friends to play sports or have fun together. when we have times alone, we would talk like best friends b/c the romantic atmosphere just makes me feel strange. also i want someone who appreciates me for me, not b/c i’m athletic or smart. that’s why dave and andrew are quite great guys b/c i can totally be myself around them and we both have our independence. also let me add the factor of being able to deal with my inner bully and defensive nature, i can be quite strong-willed at times and my inner bully did try to sneak into my life again today. it kept telling me that i was dumb, fat and nothing to anyone. however, it didn’t attach itself to me to strongly and i managed to uproot it.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Janus.

i like that you call it a relationship resume:) i also like applying a scientific approach to relationships. hope you enjoyed your walk. also adding to the relationship resume: someone who isn’t too criticizing of me and someone who is a soul mate, one who appreciates my spiritual self, not just the physical aspect of me. i was reading an article on how phobias are developed and most of them are conditioned accidentally or purposefully into a child or a person. there are fears called “evolutionary phobias” whom a child is taught perhaps during third-fourth grade about dangerous species and when they get old enough to make their own decisions, they begin to have a fear of say spiders and snakes for instance b/c at a young age, they were taught they were harmful and they carried that information and when they developed the ability to rationalize their own decisions in middle school, these transform into “evolutionary phobias.” Evolutionary phobias are usually put into place as a body’s defense mechanism against pain, so even if the teacher didn’t say to the child that snake bites could be fatal, the child would be able to deduce from the information on snakes that some snakes are indeed harmful and to watch out for them. in fact fear of snakes and spiders are among one of the most known fears because of our evolutionary thoughts to avoid them and a defense against pain. some phobias that are conditioned accidentally such as mass media and pop culture by depicting pictures of people being robbed in confined spaces or crazy clowns often lead to phobias with claustrophobia or clowns. however, i think media isn’t being accidental about it, they make money off of people’s fears. anyway, some fears such as fear of the dark and claustrophobia often result as childhood experiences as being locked in the closet for a wrongdoing, our brains develop cognitive ability by age three, but at age seven begin to truly process things around us. so if you continue to beat a child every time the child does something wrong, the child may develop a phobia in their later years of physical abuse and may have low self-esteem. fear of heights usually often can be coupled with the fear of flying, but the real fear is the fear of falling. i think conditioned phobias are the worst b/c someone or something lead the person to have a fear of that thing and they can be hard to overcome and they often limit us from being ourselves. evolutionary phobias help protect us from harmful things. i feel like my inner bully was conditioned in me by the negative criticisms of people. i have a fear of failure, being rejected and hurt. also the “princess complex” which pits little girls as princesses and boys as superheroes can be proven a low self-esteem to girls. by making boys the heroes that save the day, while girls act like princesses waiting to be saved, it sometimes undermines the strength of girls. my parents have always been patriarchal and they have limited views on what women can do. they are often surprised when i say that i want to be a scientist, work with computers, go camping, play sports, do heavy lifting b/c in their minds guys do those things. they also think i’m not smart enough to be a scientist, not athletic enough, not independent enough, the list of criticisms goes on. this brings me back to the concept of fears since most phobias develop from low self-esteem and often they can be conditioned in by the first people who raised us, our parents. my inner bully takes after them and often says to me “see how worthless you are, you can’t do anything right b/c you are a weak, pathetic girl”
i think i may write my college essay on fears and the inner bully and how i am working on taking the chance to overcome them. it will allow me to bring to light the issues my inner bully keeps trying to bring up. i may need to write them out, to bring them into the light to let them go.

i agree that the inner bully is your own worst enemy b/c it sees the things you can’t hide. here are some song lyrics that describe the inner bully from Pink’s “Please Don’t Leave Me.” the inner bully is only a coward that hides in darkness and emanates the shadowy outline of what you might be, but it isn’t really who you truly are. when you shine the light on the shadow, the darkness fades and the inner bully screeches “aah! don’t leave me!” but you are happy to turn the flashlight to an even higher power to melt that inner bully. i have begun to use a sense of humor to attack the inner bully and have been drawing comics with the inner bully being kryptonite and trying to weaken superman’s powers. the comics make me laugh and undermine the inner bully. so here are part of the lyrics: “I don’t know if I can yell any louder. Or how many times I’ve kicked you outta here. Or said something insulting. I can be so mean when I wanna be. I’m capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces.” The inner bully yells its insults trying to kick my true self out into the dumps so it can act like it’s an amazing thing, but what it really does is cut you into pieces. Yet we are stronger at the broken parts. I wrote a poem called “Stronger at the Broken Pieces: A Story of Loss and Gain” and I will post it soon.

thanks, i would like your help with putting together the relationship resume:) my inner bully still seeks to overpower me, but i am more aware of it and sometimes when the inner bully says “look how dumb you are. you know nothing. why did you waste time when you should have been studying? you have poor time management!” i have begun to reason with it saying “listen up, inner bully. i’m tired of your criticisms. i had five tests and two projects last week and i needed a break from academics, so i wasn’t procrastinating.” then the inner bully says “you’ll never get anything done. look you took a break from studying and now you have to finish outlining ch.6-7 and on top of that ch.44 for ap biology. you also need to do extra study for ap calc on the chain rule b/c you are a dumb, worthless fat loser. also you forgot to do your u.s history ii hw” this is what i say “i will do whatever it takes to get most of it done. and i don’t need any help from you.”

i need to pull my grade up from a 65.6 in u.s. history b/c of a hw assignment and a test that i got a 76 on, but i am good with history, so i will work on it. i need to keep my ap biology grade within the 90 range so an 88.6 is relatively okay for now. i still have to outline 3 chapters. i need to keep my ap calc grade within the 85 range and it is currently an 86. i am working on making sense of derivatives and the chain rule and some of its confusing. i have a 93.8 in java right now, but i am struggling a bit with the new program called eclipse, but i’ll get there. i am afraid that my financial aid for college file was messed up, but i got an email oct. 2nd and it said to wait for 3-5 days. i had to send in a signature page to verify my identity. i also have to ask ms. walski if she can help me with my letters of recommendation. i also need some time to study for my sats.

on the bright side, i really like art club, everyone is quite fun to work with and encouraging. i have two friends who are helping me paint the angel mural project. also my ap biology partners are quite fun to work with and they are good at explaining things.