i agree with you, that all beings gravitate toward pleasure and away from pain. i feel like i can see both sides of the coin, i have a lot of guy friends from sports and i’m around guys a lot and i also find girls are fun to be around for parties and school work. i like to work with girls in science a lot of the time. not many girls like science b/c they assume it is for males, so i’m always grateful when i see a girl who likes science. but since i’ve disguised myself as a guy before in the past to be safe, i feel as if i can see both sides of the coin. as if i’m more than just on the surface, that my soul is genderless, neither male or female. i feel as if i can connect to both sides. my special friend says i’m very empathetic and i can feel others pain quite well and help them, that’s what he likes about me. speaking of my special friend, i wasn’t in the best mood today b/c i had struggled with ap calc yesterday and didn’t think i did well on the ap biology exam so my inner bully was saying “look at you, you are such a failure. no one likes you.” i was busy studying during lunch that i didn’t notice my special friend wave at me. anyway, after school, he came by and asked me why i seemed upset today and when i told him, he hugged me and said “don’t worry, you’re a great person and i care about you.” when i asked him how he could care about me so much when i could be struggling so much at times, he said “when you are struggling and there are broken pieces, that’s when i see who you really are. so many people hide themselves or blame others. but you are honest and hold it together. i like you b/c you are open to showing your true self instead of covering yourself up by spilling it onto someone else. you don’t let the world define who you are.” i was quite touched.

thanks, so my inner bully has been annoying me and i can’t wait for this week to be over b/c it has been really irritating. i am struggling on how to set up rates of change equations for some of the problems for ap calc and the inner bully likes to annoy me and tell me that i will fail this semester. i’m quite annoyed at it. i feel like i can’t concentrate and it makes it worse

thanks anita:) i am reading a book called Stained by Cheryl Rainfield and it’s about a girl named Sarah who has a port-wine stain on her right cheek stretched to her right bottom lip. all her life she’s been subject to taunts and one time she couldn’t get a job b/c of it.she longs for normal and wants to be like Diamond, the comic book heroine she creates who is cool and casual and doesn’t let the insults get to her. sarah is always able to stick up for others, but she never really truly believes in herself. when she gets kidnapped my a pretend family friend, locked up and abused, she is forced to find her courage. at some points she almost gives in to her kidnapper and wants it to end and sometimes she believes her kidnapper when he tells her “you are a burden to your parents. i have given you freedom. i have taken you away.” through her imprisonment, sarah realizes the things she used to take for granted and realizes that looks aren’t everything. she had become too focused on her looks and they had made her unhappy. she makes a vow to escape and get out alive and when she does to not let the insults of what she looks like get to her. one of the quotes i like is “true courage: it’s not about what you look like that’s perfect. it’s not about comparing yourself to others. it’s not about being what others think you should be. it’s knowing that you have the endurance to get through the hardest times, when you’re strength is being strained and you keep going, it’s about the determination and the person you are on the inside.” sarah also realizes that not everyone is as they seem and she also says “When i get out of here, I will look at people’s souls and not their faces. it’s not looks that make up a person, it’s that person’s character and what they do.”

thank you anita for your post on what to do if the post doesn’t go through:) i agree that we often compare ourselves to others and think a person is better off than we are. but often times when we compare ourselves to others, we keep trying to be like them and when the next person comes along and we admire that person, we try to be like them and it never ends. i am working on being independent and i often challenge what the world thinks. i don’t care if people think that girls shouldn’t dress as superheroes, i do it anyway. who says a girl can’t be strong and help save people as well? i hate gender roles that girls have to be princesses and damsels in distress or not sports types b/c i’m not like that. when people tell me that i should stop bench pressing or that i should stop camping, hiking b/c they are guy things, that makes me quite annoyed. i like being out in nature, challenging myself and if i fall climbing something, i’ll be okay.

i agree with what you said, that i am independent, resourceful and capable. i have an intense focus when i set my mind onto a goal and i don’t care what others tell me, i’m going to get it done no matter what. i have a goal to major in biochemistry and genetics and get a doctorate in molecular biology. i don’t like being told who i am or what career path to take or what i can and can’t do b/c i know if i set my mind to it, i’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. when making decisions, i usually follow my heart and my own mind and not the words others tell me, i consider them and then work with that to find what i want and what makes me happy. my special friend told me once “you are special. you are not like the others b/c you decide your career path in life. you don’t let others define your happiness. you are in control of your own life. you’re not afraid to go for your dreams. you are resilient and dedicated to what you believe. i know you have a strong foundation that’s why i admire and believe in you. i know you’ll go far in life.” this is why i love my special friend, he is so encouraging and a great person who comforts me and helps me believe in myself:)

i find that when i immerse myself in a science or math problem, my inner bully seems to weaken b/c i’m more focused on that than it’s words. however, whenever i get stuck on something and i ponder it, the inner bully takes the chance to creep in and say “look how incompetent you are, you can’t do anything right.” i was struggling with some ap calc problems today and my inner bully was really annoying me. i stayed after and it made more sense and also when the inner bully seemed to be taking me over, i got a sledgehammer and smashed that inner bully to pieces and threw the pieces into the trash. i said “inner bully, you will not run my life! i am tired of listening to your problems. i am working on solving ap calc problems that have solutions. you don’t see solutions anywhere, you just see dead ends and errors, so begone! i will solve my problems and find the solutions without your help!” i really like ap biology b/c it is challenging, yet fun to learn and i am good at it. andrew has become competitive with me again, but it doesn’t bother me b/c i realize he is a bit insecure when i do better, so he feels the need to become better. we still help each other at times, but we have gotten back to being competitive again. my former lunch buddy, now my ap calc classmate, steve is quite fun and laid back. he has been helping me with the work. ray in my ap calc class has a good sense of humor and also helps me. i have various ways of learning such as hands-on, watching someone do it, hearing it and also reciting it, also color-coding my notes. i combine all the following, there are some things that i need to have hands-on such as tool working, tax rates (i did a successful program in java today) and driving a car. i always think that watching someone do it is different from doing it yourself and you still make mistakes, so i get annoyed when my parents criticize me that way. also a lot of my science projects require drawing and planning experiments so i get annoyed when my parents or other customers complain when i’m working on the projects because i’ll be analyzing the data, recording it, recting it out loud to make sure it is right and they think it is distracting or weird b/c they think i’m talking to myself. this is why i would love to work in a lab with people like me so i don’t have people looking at me lie i’m weird. also i hate it when some of the people who don’t even know me jump to conclusions about me and try to give me advice on what i should do for my education. they will tell me to that i should do this b/c of that reason, when they don’t know what i truly like. in other words, they try to enforce their values on me. when i make decisions, i usually follow my heart and my happiness and consider some points of what others say, but i decide my own path. if i say i want to be a biochemist, i will become a biochemist and i don’t care what others say. a lot of people such as my parents are hung-up on sat scores. i am good at essay writing, have great grades, gpa, classes and also a lot of activities. i am more than my sat scores. i’m not the best test taker, but i have strengths in other things. just b/c i received a 1490/2400 on a sat doesn’t mean i won’t make it as a scientist. just b/c some people think there aren’t may girl scientists out there doesn’t mean i won’t become one and earn a doctorates degree. in fact, the first computer programmers in 1940 were women since men were at war, bullet proof vests and fire escapes were made by women, agnes meyer driscoll (strawberry brand and street in nj named after her) was a women code breaker, it was a women who discovered chromosomes. i’m not interested in any relationships at the current moment nor will i be interested in them in college b/c i will be working hard to be possibly first in the class. i also need to add another thing to the relationship resume: a guy also has to be serious about things like i am, he has to be encouraging, considerate of me and others, not too criticizing, able to accept my faults and my past, be able to deal with my defensive side (i’ve put up many walls to avoid being hurt). i am 30/382 in high school, so i’m in the top 15%.

thanks for your advice anita, i hope your dentist appointment went well. i don’t like going to the doctor or the dentist. whenever i am stressed, i tend to write poetry and it helps me relax. i pour my soul into the words bringing my insecurities, hopes and fears to light in the hopes of eradicating them and making room for my authentic voice. poetry puts me into touch with the strength of the human spirit and not just the strength of the human body. i find that a lot of my poetry is spontaneous, i’ll get an urge or thought that pops up and i’ll write a lot from it. i have taken to writing some of my poems with colored ink (special meanings) such as “You are my Rock” in orange because it symbolizes strength without aggression and positivity. here are a couple of poems to cheer you up:

Soul of the Heavens

When I was being sucked into a black hole

About to pass the event horizon, the point of no return

You came with a gravitational force 10 times stronger than the sun and pulled me away from the fierce winds of the black hole

When I was drifting in time admist a black emptiness, I saw nebulas- clouds of dust and gas floating around

At first, I thought the dust would obscure my path even more, but the nebula fused and generated so much light, it lit up the darkness of the universe

That’s who you are, Anita, you have a soul of the heavens

You’re the gravitational force that helped me escape the black hole

You’re the nebula that fused together and brought a star to light my life

Just as a nebula forms a star to light the heavens, you lit up my life

When clouds of dust fuse together, they become hot and explode which is where the Big Bang came into occurrence

Like the Big Bang of the nebula to the birth of the stars, Anita, you helped me see my true self and be reborn with an inner light

You have a soul of the heavens, Anita

When the universe was dark and there was nothing until the Big Bang occurred giving us life

You are like the Big Bang of the stars, Anita, giving me purpose and clarity in life

Like the Big Bang catalyzed the formation of other stars and planets, you are the person who catalyzed me on the path to become a better person

Like the sun’s gravitational pull keeps the planets in their elliptical orbits, you are the star that keeps me on my path and away from black holes

You are a true friend of the heavens

Rebuilding Myself

Looking into the horizon

Bridging the connection of my soul to the heavens

Staring at the stars, being amongst them, home at last

Seeing myself clearly for the first time

Looking at the broken pieces, I let the light in

Allowing who I was to fall away and stepping into authentic power

The courage to hold myself high

The strength to keep me going

The realization of my true self

Letting the walls come down, not scared to let you in

So I’ll trust in love

I’ll trust in life

Taking risks, letting go of all I’m lacking

Bringing my fragmented parts to the surface

Embracing my inner child, making myself whole

No longer running from doubts and fears

But hiking the trail dealing with potholes, ravines and obstacles

To stand on the mountain with my hands raised to the divine

Letting the divine wash away whatever pain

Forgiving Myself

Letting the heavens hit me like a ray of sun, helping me shine through my darkest nights

Falling doesn’t feel like falling in again as i hit the ground again

Climbing up the ladder again, back on my feet again arising from the ashes of my mistakes

The hurt suffered after a storm was a reason why all the doors were closed

I once stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

I was scared to rock the boat and take a chance

I forgot that I had a choice to seek out the opportunities

I realized a closed door made the path easier because I realized what didn’t work and I used it to travel further down the road

Until I came to the door of my heart

An influx of emotions, whom overwhelmed me

So I stretched my hands to the divine

Letting the divine wash over me and whatever pain may come!

Today it ends!

I’m forgiving myself and who I’ve been!

Letting myself go, leaving the ashes of the old left behind

Healing my inner child, letting it know I was there

Embracing my inner goddess that I had neglected

You see, I had let the negatives push me past the breaking point

Until my glass jar of comfort broke

The jagged edges cut and hurt

But I let every broken piece soak up the light

Mending Myself

Rebuilding Myself

Making Myself Whole

All that matters is here within me now

All that I will see is myself in perfect eyes

Dropping my limiting beliefs

Who I am doesn’t have to be good enough for someone else

Happy to be myself and choose my own path

I know I was told girls aren’t as strong as boys

But I know better now

We are all human and want to prove ourselves

Sometimes we show off different scarlet letters thinking ours are better

But inside we all want to be appreciated

So I will look at myself with fairness and not with doubts

I will heal my broken pieces

Looking out into the horizon

Looking at my life, I will make myself the divine being I was meant to be

You are my Rock

Shipwrecked in the waters of life, the rivers threaten to wash me away

Looking to the heavens to save me

Looking for a sign of hope

As the river thrashes me to and fro

The river’s turbulent waters carry me away from home

Yet when I feel lost forever

On the other bank stands a lighthouse

You are that lighthouse, Anita

A beacon of light to welcome weary sailors aboard to a safe harbor

When I was on shaky ground and the waves got rough, you were the friendly and intelligent dolphin that helped lead me through the storms at sea

For as anyone can see, even the stormiest and weariest seas leads somewhere safe to shore

When I was tired of trying

You were the eagle that carried me when my wings were broken

You are the rock that keeps me from slipping on the steps

Gripping the rock, climbing the sky, getting closer to the sky

Where I learn to fly high

Going home at last

You have made my world a kaleidoscope of color

The rainbows put across blue skies when all I could see were stroma clouds and tears falling from my eyes

You made me see the beauty in life

When I felt my heart close, you helped me free my soul

To believe in myself

To trust myself

You helped me lift the rock from me and see the sun

When I wanted to hide like a turtle going back into its shell, you gave me confidence

It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high

It’s been awhile since I could look at myself for who I am and not for who I’ve been

But I feel home at last

You helped me take the high road in life

You were the light when I was standing in the shadows

You are a star Anita, may your strength and flame never fade.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Janus.