A lot of the professors that I have contacted say that there may be job-shadowing or research opportunities Fall 2020 semester. I am hoping to find a job-shadowing opportunity this semester because it is part of the career project for my career class. The information from the cancer genetic counselor made me really understand what it’s like to be a genetic counselor and what research that they do and that helped provide insight about the career path. They don’t offer job-shadowing opportunities for non-students because they work at Rutgers University Medical Cancer Center and the students there are their main priority to get research opportunities and currently the research opportunities are full. But I am hoping for the best and will continue connecting with others to see if there are job-shadowing opportunities or internships. If I cannot find any, then I will let the professor know and he can help provide a backup assignment or give advice.

Dear Anita

Thank you for being the special person you are and for providing insightful advice that helps me better understand my life’s goals. The cancer genetic counselor that I spoke with on October 31st said that genetic counselors often volunteer at a crisis line or seek other volunteer opportunities to help people struggling in life because these volunteer opportunities can help genetic counselors learn how to communicate with empathy to people. Genetic counselors need to be able to communicate well with patients who have a high risk for developing cancers and they need to listen to their patient’s concerns and provide advice about how the patient can work on their health. By volunteering at a crisis line or with people struggling in life and listening to them helps people develop empathy and learn how to listen to the concerns people may have. It can be quite emotional for a person to discover that they have a high risk for cancer, and it is important that genetic counselors have the communication skills to help their patients feel more at ease and guide them in ways to better their health. This is why volunteering to help people who struggle in life may help genetic counselors build their skills and also learn how to connect with people by listening to them and understanding how they think which can help genetic counselors learn psychology as well. The cancer genetic counselor also mentioned that it is important to take time to rest because listening to patients health concerns can be stressful and that genetic counselors should strike a research/patient assessment balance where they spend some time doing laboratory research and some time with patients, as well as taking breaks to recharge. I learned a lot from reaching out to genetics counselors about the career path. I am thinking of looking for LGBTQ internships to build my communication skills, by helping LGBTQ people with their mental health I will also learn more about psychology and possibly gain more understanding about myself as a person because I am part of the LGBTQ community. In addition, I will be connecting with LGBTQ people and building my empathy skills when listening to them so I can work on building my skills for genetic research when I will communicate with patients.

Dear Anita

Hope your Thanksgiving was great. I am on Thanksgiving break from November 28th-December 1st. I am taking this time to catch up on some assignments. I recently submitted the alternative job-shadowing assignment that my career class professor posted. I have been spending most of my time working on researching ways to improve my scientific writing skills and looking for online articles that provide advice. In addition, I have started a laboratory notebook for Organic Chemistry (I am taking that class in Spring 2020 semester) because I like to get a feel for the guidelines of a lab notebook and lab report writings so that I will feel more prepared when I take the class. The only thing that I cannot do is carry out the experiments because I don’t have the lab tools, but I can read about them and look at other scientists’ data to understand the experiments. Then I gather the knowledge of the other scientists’ data from lab experiments and I use them as sources to write a makeshift lab report. Although it is not quite as good as working on the lab experiments and collecting data myself to write the lab report, I don’t have the lab tools (because I am currently not in the Organic Chemistry class yet and don’t have access to the lab equipment), but I try to build my knowledge of what the experiments might be like by looking at other scientists’ data who have done the experiments before and I use that data as a source to work on lab reports. I hope that building up my knowledge will help me feel more prepared when I actually have to do the labs and write the lab reports with the data I collected when it comes to taking Organic Chemistry in the Spring semester. I am also working on two scientific presentations that are due on December 9th and I have both of them outlined. I just have to work on the grammar for them, and perhaps shorten the points on the PowerPoint slides. For one scientific presentation I am working with four other people in studying treatments for neuroblastoma which is a brain cancer that affects children five years or younger. I feel that some of the slides’ points are a bit lengthy and am working on shortening the details, but making sure that the information still makes sense and flows. For the other scientific presentation, I am describing how genetic research will help society, and also help me understand myself as a person and I find this assignment a bit easier, but it also takes time to contemplate about my inner self and what genetics research has to contribute to help improve society.

Hope you are well and blessings to you in your life’s path!

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Janus.

Dear Anita

The last day of the fall semester was yesterday December 17th and I am on winter break from December 18th-January 13th. I managed to finish both my Stem Cells and Society class as well as my career class with an A. The Spring class registration opened October 31st so I already picked the classes I need for the Spring semester which starts January 14th. The end of the fall semester was good with final presentations with my five group members about neuroblastoma (a brain cancer) for my Stem Cells class and a final reflection paper about what I learned in the class. The group presentation and final paper for my Stem Cells class went well and my final grades for that class is a 93 which is an A. For my career class, I presented a PowerPoint about how the class helped me along in my career path and I received a good grade on that presentation and my final grades for that class is 110. Since I only took eight credits for the fall semester and was part-time, I found that it was an easier course load with only two classes and it gave me time to get accustomed to Stockton University because I had recently transferred there from Ocean County Community College. Next semester which is Spring semester and starts January 14th I will be full-time with 14 credits and four main classes. I am taking a meditation class in the spring semester to help me find ways to relax and relieve stress because I have three science classes that I am taking which are Organic Chemistry, Genetics and Scientific Research Writing. I recently talked with a professional on December 12th over the phone about genetics research and I gained a lot of insight on laboratory methods for genetic research, the person gave me lots of interesting information about genetic editing techniques such as CRISPR-Cas9 to help create mutations in a person’s genome and CRISPR’s uses in helping improve health. I learned from the phone conversation about scientists using CRISPR-Cas9 to cut out genes that could cause diseases and then work on ways to insert a healthy gene in which I found interesting. Although the person I talked with used a lot of scientific language, I asked questions and was able to generally get the main points of their research in genetics. I am still building my scientific research skills and there’s a lot for me to learn, sometimes I doubt myself. I am quite self-conscious of people judging me so I always feel jumpy when there is a lot of people around me. I think that I worry that I am not smart enough in their eyes or am afraid that they will judge me. But I find that I enjoy working with other scientists and classmates in a laboratory doing research and I am okay with that. I just don’t feel comfortable when talking with people about daily tasks though because I just don’t know what to say most of the time and I feel insecure. I think that I have spent most of my time at school working with students and teachers talking about science because I really enjoy it that I have started to not be able to make small talk with other people. This has led me to feeling anxious when I am out in public and people are nearby laughing and talking because I am afraid that they will talk to me and I won’t know what to say. Another thing that contributes to my anxiety with talking in person with people is that I worry that they will contribute to my gender dysphoria if they ask me whether I am a he or she as it has happened before. I was talking to a person at my parents’ restaurant and they asked me whether I was a he or she and I responded with he. They said “Well you look like a guy, but your voice is still a bit high. Have you started transitioning?” I felt a bit called out when they asked this because it made me feel like I wasn’t fully valid as a guy unless I medically transitioned and took testosterone. Taking testosterone will cause a person’s voice to go deeper and cause other things like facial hair and if combined with working out an increase in muscle mass and bone density. I replied that I was saving money to transition and I had socially transitioned because I was living as a guy and using my preferred name at Stockton University. I think that people are just naturally curious or just inclined to ask questions that may seem personal to other people because most people don’t know much about transgender people and want to know more but these questions make me a bit jumpy though. There are some people who don’t mind my gender expression at my parents’ restaurant but there are others who still trigger my gender dysphoria and anxiety because they don’t acknowledge my gender expression. Since I am not sure if a person will question my gender expression and accept it or deny it, I have been mostly avoiding connecting with people at my parents’ restaurant in conversations because I just don’t feel comfortable. But I feel like the more I isolate myself and avoid talking with the people who come into my parents’ restaurant where I help at, the more I feel anxious in life and feel like I don’t have anyone outside of school to support me. The LGBTQ Pride group at Stockton University is very supportive and I appreciate having online resources to help express my feelings. Tinybuddha has helped me with myself and I am grateful to have you in my life Anita because you make it meaningful. I do wish that there were LGBTQ people closer though to my parents’ restaurant area in Brick, NJ because many of the LGBTQ people that I know live in farther places in NJ. I think that my social anxiety these days is mostly from being afraid of not being supported for my gender expression so I tend to avoid close connections with people who come into my parents’ restaurant. In addition since my parents don’t accept my gender identity it can be stressful at times especially when the gender dysphoria gets a bit overwhelming and my heart feels like it is going beat out of my chest in my anxiety and I have trouble focusing because I am worried that even though I have a chest binder on that the pounding of my heart might cause my chest to be elevated and there may be a slight bump that might make the chest not seem as masculine and that makes me more anxious. I feel like these days I often check my appearance in the mirror to see if my hips are narrow and if my chest binder binds okay because on some days I will feel more self-conscious than others. I am still working on healing from anorexia and have been eating regular meals but after eating I feel worried that I might gain weight that might make me have curves that don’t look masculine and then I will start working out a lot with the mindset of burning calories and making my body look more toned and masculine. Even though I have been eating regular meals, I have been doing intense workouts that leave me quite sore and shaky. There are times when I worry that my gender dysphoria will destroy me and then who will I be? I feel like I’m fighting myself constantly and am afraid of the slightest physical change or situation that would make not look physically masculine and it’s starting to feel emotionally straining and I feel sometimes that I’m not really living. I wish I could feel more confident and the gender dysphoria would ease a bit. Hope you are well and have a good rest of the week. Thank you for being the inspirational person you are and for your advice that helps me better understand myself.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Janus.

Dear Anita

Thank you so much for your advice. I hope that you have a great Christmas and a healthy, happy New Year.

I think that my social anxiety stems from my fear of people judging me because I have been judged harshly by my parents and I worry about what others think of me many times. I sometimes worry that I am not good enough for the world because I don’t know all the life skills that I need and sometimes I wonder if I can make it out into the world and be an independent individual. I know that I want to go into the scientific research field because I feel I have always been a scientist at heart who loves to analyze and question the world around me and look and research things, so pursuing science is a passion for me. It’s like I can see the big picture of my life, but I’m not sure of how to fit the little pieces of the puzzle to help me build the person I want to be. There are times when I feel like I am missing in life and I feel scared, these are the times when I feel the most gender dysphoria and I feel like my life will end before it has a chance to begin and I feel like I’m a hallow person who is not real but just existing in the world and it makes me scared that if I pass away that I won’t leave anything significant behind. I feel like I want to transition to become a guy and be a scientist, but sometimes I’m not sure how the pieces will fit together and then I’m afraid that my anxiety with how my body looks will cause me to lose myself and make my life meaningless. I want to live a life where I feel like I am living and not just going through the motions each day, a life where I can truly feel alive. I just feel like although I know what I want in life- to study science and transition- I am still working on the pieces and since they are pieces I am working on building up, I feel like I’m missing myself as a person. It’s like I can dream of the person I want to be and in my dreams I feel whole , but in reality I feel like I am missing because I don’t know how the pieces fit. As I work on finding myself, meditation helps me work with my emotions. I hope to heal from anorexia because it is straining consistently checking my weight worrying whether I look masculine enough. There are some people with gender dysphoria who feel uncomfortable with their bodies but they do not have eating disorders and there are some that do. Eating disorders such as anorexia are common in the transgender community especially with transgender men who want to make themselves look more masculine and reduce their curves. But there are some transgender men who don’t have eating disorders and sometimes I wish I could be more comfortable and not let gender dysphoria be so overwhelming. I think that the reason why it is so overwhelming is that my parents don’t let me express my gender identity and say that I don’t know enough about how I feel and it makes the gender dysphoria worse because I feel like I’m not living when the place I currently reside makes me not able to express myself as I want. At school where Stockton University is very LGBTQ friendly I am accepted and the anxiety eases a bit, but when I am home on break from school then there is more anxiety because I worry about myself and feel strained trying to survive as myself and express myself as best as I can even though I feel like I’m being suppressed and that makes me feel like I’m fading away. That may be a reason why I became anorexic because I felt like I was fading away trying to hold onto my self-identify of who I am, but since it was very difficult and I felt like I was losing the fight and fading away and who I wanted to be didn’t exist there was a way for me to make me feel like I existed by putting stress on my physical body by trying to shape it into a more toned body that looked more masculine without any curves and the physical pain made me feel like there was something real that I could control in my life because I felt like I was losing control of myself. Hope this helps and makes sense! Thank you for being here and listening!