Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays, Milda  !!!

anita

Dear Milda:

I read all of our communication Oct 24- Oct 31, 2023, high quality communication. You were honest, clear, appreciative and kind. My replies were excellent, if I may say so (I am quite impressed with myself 🙂). So, no reason to repeat what’s easy to re-read.

Question is, what can I add this morning?

The image I had as I reread your posts was that of the elephant in The Elephant Rope Story, or as I read it today (dream little star. com/ the elephant rope), The Elephant Rope. Here it goes:

Once upon a time in a small village, there was an elephant camp, where majestic elephants lived. A curious little boy visited the camp one sunny afternoon. He noticed something very odd – each enormous elephant was tied by a small rope to a stake in the ground.

The kid, puzzled, approached the elephant trainer. “Excuse me, sir, why are these giant elephants held by just these tiny ropes? Can’t they break free?” he asked, pointing at the ropes.

The trainer smiled kindly at the little boy and said, “Ah, you see, when these elephants were just little babies, we used the same size rope. Back then, it was strong enough to hold them. They tried to break free, but they couldn’t, and eventually, they stopped trying.”

“But now they are so big and strong! Can’t they break the rope now?” The boy wondered aloud.

“Yes, they can,” the trainer nodded. “But because they believe they cannot, they don’t even try.”

The little boy looked at the elephants, deep in thought. “So, they think they can’t break the rope just because they couldn’t when they were little?”

“Exactly,” the trainer replied. “They carry this belief from their past that they can’t break free, so they don’t challenge their bonds.”

The boy’s eyes widened in realization. “It’s like when I thought I couldn’t climb the big mango tree because I fell once. But then I tried again last week, and I did it!”

The trainer chuckled. “Yes, just like that. Sometimes, we can do more than we think. We just need to believe in ourselves and not let past failures stop us.”

The little boy smiled, looking at the elephants with new eyes. “Thank you, sir! I’m going to tell my friends that they shouldn’t give up, just like I won’t!”

And with a heart full of new understanding, the kid ran off to share the story of the elephants and the rope with his friends, reminding everyone that they should never let past failures limit their future.” (The End)

I am thinking of what you mentioned yesterday, your codependency as that rope. As a child, you were small and completely dependent on your parents. Your physical survival depended on them being healthy enough, calm enough, capable enough to be present for you, and take care of you on an ongoing basis.

Fast forward, you are an adult, physically big, strong and able to physically survive without your parents’ (or other adults’) constant, or frequent presence and help. But.. you don’t know it yet..?

The role reversal we talked about back in Oct 2023 has to do with you believing that your parents, particularly your mother can’t survive without your help..?

Oct 2023: “I had a need inside to always solve their problems, so that maybe then I can live in a happy, stable and calm family with happy parents.”- it’d take fully grieving the type of home you never had, and the type of childhood you will never have because simply, you can’t go back in time, undo or redo anything that already happened.

Fully grieving this reality will take away from the motivation within you to solve other people’s problems for the purpose of an impossible dream (to be a happy child with happy parents).

I hope to be reading your thoughts on what I wrote here, when you are ready 🙂

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

“I do not know what I like, what I want to do as a hobby, what do I want professionally, what I am capable of doing best and so on.”- this used to be true in my life. It was quite maddening. It was like living with a stranger (me).

“I do not think that I can be loved just because I am, without giving, doing, over functioning for others. There is no self worth. There is only a worth if I can be useful for others… What’s next then?”-

I hope that this doesn’t sound weird to you, Milda, but let me love you here, on your thread, a place where you are not doing the giving, doing, etc. Let me do the giving. You are worth it!

About not knowing what you like (“I do not know what I like”)- do you like to look at the ocean, or the night sky.. or certain music..? Even in my decades (!) of self estrangement, I knew that I LOVED the feel of the Mediterranean water in a hot summer day, and the 60s- 70s music to which I daydreamed as a teenager.

And you..?

🤍🌿 Anita

It’s a good thing, Milda, that you no longer participate in ingenuine friendships. Please express your genuine feeling here. Including your genuine anger. In your communication with me, you are safe, safe being your genuine self 🙂

(I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day).

🤍🌿 Anita