Dear Neera:

“I still cannot help but relive a lot of those moments as a kid, teenager and even in my early 20s where I saw all these fights… I want to let go of my past in which I saw so much abuse but my mind will not let me.. How can I let it all go and just learn to be at peace with where I am now?“-

– to let go of a past where you saw and experienced so much domestic and emotional abuse, and to be at peace, your present-life has to be free of abuse. But the abuse is still happening in your life: “My family has changed and things have gotten better (less fights)“: less fights means that there are still fights happening currently in your life. For you to lessen your anxiety, you need to be exposed to no fights at all.

You can’t let go of a past that is still happening.

“I have a loving family.. my anxiety stems from growing up in an environment where I saw domestic abuse. I also dealt a lot with emotional abuse. Although I genuinely believe I have the most caring family, I still cannot help but relive a lot of those moments as a kid, teenager and even in my early 20s where I saw all these fights“-

– a child cannot benefit from familial love and care in between episodes of familial abuse. For a child to benefit, the love and care have to be  fairly consistent and dependable. Otherwise, the child will keep wondering: when is the next time a fight will break out.. when is the next time I will be emotionally abused? What do  I need to do so that it doesn’t happen? Etc.

“The issue is that now when things become stressful for any reason, for example my job gets intense or I am dealing with new life changes, I start to overthink like crazy. My mind is constantly running and assuming the worst. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I want to escape my mind and silence my thoughts but its as if my body is frozen, I do not have control“-

– Currently, in your mid-twenties, you are re-experiencing what you experienced as a child and onward, when fights at home broke and emotional abuse took place: overthinking like crazy, mind running and assuming the worst, feeling stuck and helpless, frozen, not having control.

I am guessing that you are living with your family of origin?

anita

Dear Neera:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

“Sometimes even when my partner and I have minor disagreements, I assume the worst and my anxiety kicks in“- it is very important that there will be no arguments/ no fights between you and your partner, no aggression at all. Disagreements really can be resolved with zero aggression. There are workbooks and books and online resources on how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts without aggression. I will be glad to try and help you with any specific situation, if you’d like to share about a current or future disagreement with your partner.

“I started living with my partner 9 months ago. The issue is that I still live close to my family. I still visit nearly twice a week… But being at home I feel anxious and I have noticed that the days I am at home or when I return I am particularly more anxious. The problem is that I do not know when my family will have no fights at all“-

– good to read that you are no longer living at home, but it is bad for your mental health to visit your home of origin as you’ve done so far, not knowing if and when the  next fight will occur. Do you think it will help if you make it very clear to everyone in your family of origin’s household that there must be no disagreements and no fights while you are vising, and explain to them why: that it harms your mental health and your relationship with your partner. (You can even reward them all with .. let’s say $100 a month if they succeed to accommodate you in this regard, if they need extra motivation)

anita

Dear Neera,

I am sorry you’re feeling very anxious and sensitive, sometimes crying during the night, not being able to calm yourself down. What I believe would help you is to first have a clearer picture of your family. You say:

I know my anxiety stems from growing up in an environment where I saw domestic abuse. I also dealt a lot with emotional abuse. Although I genuinely believe I have the most caring family,

If you witnessed domestic abuse and were exposed to emotional abuse, then your family cannot be “the most caring family”. They might have had good intentions and didn’t know better, however damage and harm was done to you and your mental health. Your parents did that, with their abusive behavior. The first thing would be to realize that some of their behavior wasn’t loving and caring at all, and that you suffered because of it.

That’s the first step – to basically admit that your family caused you harm, even if they didn’t intend to, and that there is a wounded inner child in you, which is still being triggered, as a result of the abuse that you’ve experienced. That would be the first step on your healing journey, I believe.

Once you admit that, you can start working on protecting yourself (and your inner child) from further abuse, setting boundaries, etc. That would help you not to feel so helpless any more, but gradually feel more and more in control of your life and your emotional reactions.

What do you think?

Dear Neera:

Welcome back, almost a year since you posted last. Good to read that your communication with your partner has improved (resolving issues without aggression, excellent!) and disagreements in the relationship have become minimal.

You shared that your relationship with your father improved as the two of you maintain a healthy distance from each other, giving each other space and minimize talking about topics that cause arguments. There are fewer fights between your parents but there are “major disagreements and arguments” between your mother and you. She yells at you and uses swear words, name calling you.

“It seems anything I say that remotely is different from what she wants causes a HUGE argument, and gives me terrible anxiety, followed by silent treatment from her… the words she says are so hurtful, and then later it’s like I need to try and get over it because she was angry. But these bursts of aggression happen over the slightest reason… Growing up, my mom was my idol, and my best friend… She always says oh you don’t even live here anymore why do you care about so and so, or you never visit” –

– maybe your mother is upset that she is no longer your #1, your idol and best friend, that you now have a partner who is now your #1 . Maybe she is jealous that your partner is your priority, not her. Do you think that this may be the case?

anita

Dear Neera:

You are very welcome. You shared that you and your partner are “becoming more irritable and lashing out at each other about small things which is unusual“, and that you think that the reason for it is that you don’t have your own space (you live with your parents). I agree. No wonder the two of you are more irritable with each other and lashing out at each other: the irritation and lashing out in your home extends into your relationship with your partner, similar to how wildfire extends into its surroundings.

“Do you have any other suggestions on what we can do?“- living away from your parents (alone or with roommates or with your partner) would be best. But I understand if culturally and/ or financially, it is very difficult to accomplish. Otherwise, I agree with you that in regard to your mother (the main source of your stress): “the conversations must be minimal, and (your) responses must also be minimal“.

“I do think my mom is unconsciously upset that she is no longer my number one… I try to have a conversation about this with her, but she is always in denial and the conversation turns quickly on all the things I am supposedly doing wrong, and how it is all my fault“-  your mother is quite selfish, isn’t she, for (1) not wanting to share you with anyone, (2) not listening to you, not caring about unnecessarily hurting your feelings again and again… and yet again, causing and maintaining your anxiety by telling you that you do wrong and that everything is your fault.

“I did see my mom as a victim growing up… My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood“- when she was growing up, she was a victim of the grownups in her life. Later, she was a victim of her husband (domestic abuse), and now and for many years, she has been- not a victim- but a victimizer of her own daughter. Her daughter (Neera) is her victim. How is she better than her victimizers?

“The more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So, I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out”- your supposed role was to be your mother’s daughter, but you took on the role of your mother’s partner. This reversal of roles is common in situations of unhappy childhoods: the child is not free to … be a child. She has to be someone- something else. Notice: you wanted to free her; she didn’t allow you the freedom to be a child.

“For her, she was a young, naive girl who got married to a person that was not right for her and it changed her world perspective. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on“- in her mind, she is still a young. In her mind, you were not (and are not) a naive girl, but a wrongdoer who is at fault.

In her mind, so it seems, she is not only a young, naive girl who got married to a person who was not right for her, but also, a young, naive girl who gave birth to a person who is not right for her.

You greatly empathize with her, but she does not at all empathize with you, does she?

This reminds me what you wrote a year ago in your original post: “I have a loving family… I genuinely believe I have the most caring family“- do you still, do you believe that your mother loves and cares for you?

I know that asking such a question can be painful for the one being asked. I asked the same question of myself years ago and answering it honestly- over time- set me free from a large part of my anxiety and invalid guilt (feeling at fault for everything) and shame (feeling not good enough, feeling badly about not being perfect).

anita

I hope to read from you again, Neera. How are you???

anita