Dear Neera:

Good to read back from you, congrats for finally moving out of your parents’ home and for your relationship with your partner improving as a result!

“I want to have a good relationship with my parents, but feeling tired and hopeless… I always get the short end of the stick with them. They will all sort it out between themselves, and then just blame me until I apologize“- you care too much about having a good relationship with your parents while they don’t care much to have a good relationship with you, this is why you try hard, only to get the short end of the stick. Ongoing unreciprocated love is very tiring.

Talking about love: “I do still think my family loves me, but perhaps the way they have shown me love over the past years has not been in the best of my interest“- inherent to the nature of love is to operate in the best interest of the loved-one.

“I know for a large part it is all unintentional“- inherent to the nature of love is to intend to operate in the best interest of the loved-one

“they still live in their bubble of what they did was best“- to believe that they didn’t do their best and that they should do better is the difficult path. The easy one is to… not think about it.

“But I have to believe that there is still love there”- a child has to believe that his/ her parents love her. It is too anxiety-provoking to believe otherwise because it’d instinctively mean that the child will not be fed/ protected, and therefore die. As an adult, if you are able to physically feed and protect yourself, believing that your parents do not love you is possible, although difficult.

* I am sure that your parents felt affection for you at times, particularly when you were a baby. But love is more than occasional bouts of affection.

“I have to believe that there is still love there, just not the way I would want it to be. For example, they have always financially provided me with the best, but in other aspects, my mental health has greatly suffered“-  unlike a turtle hatchling, a human child needs more than his/ her physical needs (food, shelter, medicine, toys, etc.)  met: social-emotional needs like the need to feel worthy within the family (the first social group) are necessary for emotional and physical health. This is true to puppies and to other social animals: a puppy without love and touch is… a very sick puppy.

“I have apologized many times in the past to keep things peaceful at home, and within myself, but this time I cannot apologize for standing my ground against aggression“- congratulations for standing up for a good principle (being against aggression), instead of submitting to your parents and obeying them no matter what they say and do.

“Their behavior sometimes makes me feel as if I am wrong, and unworthy, and undeserving of love“- stick to doing right by your principles, such as your stand against (unnecessary) aggression, and you will support your sense of worth/ deserving of love. (There is a saying in some support groups: principles, not personalities)!

My experience: it took me a long time to finally believe that my mother did not (and does not) love me. There were occasional bouts of affection but that wasn’t love. How do I know? Her words and actions expressed hate, not love. I used to be very confused because she worked very hard and bought me the best of everything: favorite foods, clothes, toys, etc. And when I was sick, she took care of me, but she also shamed me for hours at a time, calling me “a big zero, a big nothing” etc., etc., loud hateful voice. As a result of her treatment, I developed facial and vocal tics that were quite extreme, and yet, she had no mercy for me.  Love doesn’t do that!  What motivated her to buy me the best of toys etc.,.. guilt perhaps, taking breaks from hate.

I mentioned puppies earlier, think of a human owner of a puppy who feeds the puppy well, best puppy food available and toys too, but every week or so, the owner beats the puppy up, causing it to bleed and hurt for hours and days at a time. While the puppy recovers from his injuries, there’s the special treats and a new toy. Is this love? Is the owner taking breaks from love when he beats the puppy, or does he take breaks from hate when he feeds the puppy…?

anita

Dear Neera:

I understand that you may not be reading this, nonetheless I am submitting another post because it helps me understand life better when I re-read what an OP shares, looking for some new understanding. If you are reading, I figure it may or may not help you, but it will not hurt you, so here it goes:

1) About Love: “I have a loving family…  I genuinely believe I have the most caring family… I drew a boundary with my mom and her abusive tone with me, which also involved swear words and yelling. After asking her repeatedly to talk with me more calmly, and to NOT name call, it does not work“- Love and Abuse cannot co-exist, it is one or the other. Sometimes there are no grey areas, and this is one of these times. What by themselves may be loving acts (ex., preparing your favorite meal for your enjoyment), when combined with abuse, these otherwise loving acts lose their loving content. All these acts leave you (the recipient of these acts) with- following a temporarily pleasant feeling perhaps-  is confusion and maybe guilt for supposedly being angry with whom appears to be, by this or that act.. a loving person, a loving mother.

2) The Proof is in the Pudding: “My mind is constantly running and assuming the worst. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I want to escape my mind and silence my thoughts but it’s as if my body is frozen, I do not have control“- these are not the results of being loved: a loved person does not want to escape her mind; a loved person feels in reasonable control of her thoughts and feelings.

3) Anger in-motion: “The fights are now much less between the two of them but now it has gravitated towards my mom and I have major disagreements and arguments“- a way to think of the word emotion, is energy-in motion (e-motion). Anger is very much energy in motion, it has to move: if your mother’s anger is blocked from reaching your father, it will move toward you, and unblocked, it will reach you.

4) More about Anger in-motion: “A lot of the arguments use to be around me sometimes comparing how she raised my younger sister in contrast to me. For example, they allow her more freedom as growing up since she has always been the rebellious one. She (mother) never gets as angry at her (younger sister)”- perhaps your younger sister’s rebellion blocked your mother’s anger (your mother’s anger turned away by your sister’s anger) and toward you, the sister who, at least for a long time, looked up to her mother as an idol (“Growing up, my mom was my idol”).

5) About the Grudge: “It seems anything I say that remotely is different from what she wants causes a HUGE argument, and gives me terrible anxiety, followed by silent treatment from her… I really do not know what I do that causes severe reactions–the words she says are so hurtful… these bursts of aggression happen over the slightest reason…  she has some strange grudge against me“- your mother felt unloved since she was a child, and it may be that because you loved your mother so much (“I love them so much… I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect”) , your very love for her triggers her anger. It is like giving a starving person a healthy amount of food: it doesn’t feel like enough, and the starving person gets angry: This is Not Enough! Give me More!!! 

6) About What she Wants: “I would tell my mother from a very young age to become more independent. To seek professional guidance/support. To leave my dad because it was mentally affecting the entire family. I would provide resources“- in her mind and heart, she is still a dependent, angry, petulant child who is not ready to grow up and become independent and free: not before she gets to have the childhood she needed but did not get.

anita