December 8, 2013 at 10:56 pm #46449
I’ll try to be brief so people will read this and help me.
Moved house to a share place with three others. Lease holder was unbalanced and evicted everyone moving out herself. Ended up staying in temporary accommodation with a previous boyfriend. Old housemate from the sharehouse called and said a place had come up at his flat and would I like it. I said yes. Big long story attached to why but the place needed clearing out from a compulsive hoarder. So a friend of the hoarders family and my housemate and I are all doing this on week-ends. The friend is quite bossy, overbearing and manipulative. She is a smoker, an habitual dope smoker and I suspect previously an alcoholic. But the stuff is getting sorted so I am biding my time and quietly refusing to be bossed around in a ‘passive resistance’ way which is my habit.
Then I overhear a conversation where she is badgering him into turning their sexual contact into a a relationship. My housemate announces they are dating. She is 11 years his senior. She is insanely jealous and possessive. She will not leave him unsupervised for a moment calling and texting constantly when they are apart. He tells me one thing and returns from seeing her to say another. I had to tell him drugs in the house were not okay. And said no to her staying here every week-end while he went overseas for six weeks and a few other impositions. He complied and then had her announce she had the key and would be coming to do stuff on and off, just as they headed to the airport.
I am so angry. I have no other accommodation alternatives. He is in total control and can throw me out. They are completely codependent. She makes all his decisions for him. He is a compliant doormat. She is trying every possible way to dictate everything I do in the house. There are constant offers of ‘help’ which I refuse. Her desperate need for control is overwhelming me. I am not a naturally assertive person and am taken by surprise with each new affront. I don’t know how to handle this. Help anyone?December 9, 2013 at 3:09 am #46455KinnyParticipant
It sounds like a frustrating situation! If you are unable to move out or make changes, I would suggest going to Al Anon asap. Anyone who has to deal directly with people of imbalance and addiction usually ends up with some ramifications of other’s choices. The imbalance usually becomes contagious. Al Anon helped me immensely in circumstances I thought were hopeless. I realize this might not be the answer that you are looking for, but honestly it’s the best start I can suggest.December 9, 2013 at 1:40 pm #46469
You’re right it is not the response I expected. I think they would laugh at me if I went to Al Anon. I don’t drink and never have. I don’t take drugs – not even prescription drugs or painkillers. I am a yoga teacher studying to be a naturopath. I am not young and have had a long history of childhood abuse and trauma. So I think if substance abuse was going to be my response to trauma it would have happened by now. I am glad this process has helped you : )
Any other thoughts anyone?December 9, 2013 at 2:28 pm #46476MattParticipant
Al anon is for codependency issues, which it seems like you may be struggling with at the moment. Mostly, it seems you have a difficulty with boundaries. As a yoga teacher, perhaps you have developed energy sensitivity, and now are being given help in using your energy in a healthy way when off the mat. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that you’re taking in their energy. This is pretty normal, especially with your living there. However, if you intentionally keep your heart chakra open (consider matsayasana per/post encounters or metta meditation with her as the recipient) then her energy won’t become invasive to your own. Said differently, the danger in corrosive people isn’t their energy, its the way their energy appears to be corrosive, and therefore we close the heart to “protect it” and end up feeling the heaviness of apathy and judgment. When the heart stays open, it is much more like watching a crippled sister hobble her way through experiences, and the softness and gentleness of our inner light remains strong.
One mental trick that can be used to help the heart remain open is to contemplate her as a teacher, giving you the gift of awareness. Much like a fire can bring light to a dark room, her fiery energy is revealing your areas of clinging, your dark corners where you still judge and condemn others for their suffering. Consider that it may be a little painful to experience her, but it is far more disoriented and painful to be her.
Then, instead of cowering away from her and passively hiding, perhaps your heart will lead you to say what needs to be said, to shine what light is needed, to help your sister break free. Even if she rejects it, from your side the offering will grow your heart stronger and keep your mind flexible to weather your experiences with joyousness.
Said differently, when people over assert and try to manipulate us, we don’t have to be offended. Instead, we can nod and smile and accept that is their grasping, their issue, and their suffering. Then when we respond to it, we do so from a grounded and self assured place. For instance, “I don’t like being spoken to in such a way”… fireworks from her side… “you sound upset. How painful it must be to get so upset just because someone won’t do what you want!”
That being said, there is no reason life needs to be an endurance trial. Sure, Buddha might be able to sit and love her without being disturbed, but if that’s not a lesson you wish to learn right now, consider looking for different accommodations. I’m not sure its your right to tell her she can’t do this or that in the space, as it seems like its under his control, not yours. Said differently, it is always awkward when you complain about a meal at someone else’s table.
MattDecember 9, 2013 at 3:31 pm #46480KinnyParticipant
Just to clarify, AA is for people with substance abuse issues, and Al Anon is for the non users who are in their life. i wasn’t implying that you use at all. I’m unclear by how your wrote that senstence if you’ve had childhood trauma or not, but either way I know people with easy and challenging childhoods who came in because their lives had become unmanageable due to the other people in their life. Again, just a suggestion. Good luck whatever you choose.December 9, 2013 at 3:57 pm #46481
Thankyou. I googled Al Anon (in Australia) and it was all about alcoholism. That is why I didn’t understand.
I appreciate your suggestions. They do make sense. I realise however that I did not mention this woman does not live in our flat. She lives with her five children elsewhere. I do appreciate she has serious problems and is meeting a very real need by behaving the way she does. Whilst I am angry I am not reacting angrily to her. I am not an aggressive person. So there is no open communication or argument. She accepts what I say and then comes back with a new way of trying to achieve what she wants. It is all very covert much of it via my housemate as a mouthpiece. This is so much more difficult than open attack. All I am aiming for is to be allowed to arrange the furniture in my own home (I have supplied all of this) without her input. I want her to behave like a guest. So much instability in my past makes home a really important place for me. I am feeling the affects of this in my body and in my yoga practice. (Base chakra is all over the place)
It doesn’t help that my housemate finds me attractive, hit on me (unsuccessfully) before meeting this woman and had the bad sense to tell her this!! I saw his interest as an indication of low self esteem. She is insanely jealous of everyone – she said so outright.
Their relationship has certainly been an opportunity for learning. I am looking at my interactions and asking did I, do I, overstep boundaries in this way? I have to make this arrangement work because I am very poor, unable to find work and embarking on four years of study. I have no capacity to move elsewhere. I am completely alone. And I find assertiveness enormously difficult.
Thank you again
AbeDecember 9, 2013 at 4:02 pm #46482
Okay. Thank you Kinny. I didn’t realise this. It sounds helpful. I will try. And yes I have had massive childhood trauma.
AbeDecember 9, 2013 at 4:41 pm #46487MattParticipant
Sometimes when we are building muscle and flexibility, the stretching and weight seems taxing. This is normal, usual, as resistance builds strength. It seems to me you have lots of options, but any of them will require your growth. You could work on detaching your base chakra from the home, and work on it independently of the conditions around you. This could be from a number of poses and breathing techniques, or perhaps some hemitite or black tourmaline (which help with grounding). Or, you could work on your assertivness (sacral) and work to create a path of compromise and mutual fulfillment. Either path won’t be easy, but if it was easy, you’d probably get bored! 🙂
From your response, it doesn’t seem like you understand metta. Metta meditation is the strongest and simplest method for refueling the heart chakra. Said differently, as we brush up against difficult experiences, we expend energy to digest them. This can leave us hungry, which feels like depression, mental spinning, and overwhelmed. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. This will directly increase your inner happiness, as well as help to make your mind peaceful and smooth. Consider tagging it onto the start of your yoga practice, as going into yoga with peaceful mind can help the efficacy of the practice.
I know it can seem like the problem is external, and so the solution must have to arise in the external, but that makes us a victim to the decisions and energies of others. Lucikily, that just isn’t the case… the problems and solutions can be found internally, and its no wonder to me that you’ve found yourself in a place where the universe is helping you turn inward to find a lasting peace. Please give metta meditation a try. Even two weeks with 30 minutes a day and the change will be noticeable, beautiful. Especially for one who can feel their base wobble! Being energy sensitive is fantastic, but perhaps what you really need is some better food than arranged furniture. With some effort and patience, you can open a connection that allows you to pull in the energy of happiness directly, which circumvents the need for others to align to our desires in order for us to remain balanced.
Namaste, dear sibling, may you find your path of love and light sparkling in front of you.
And, you’re never alone, gentle one… divine light is always right there, waiting for a listening ear, an open mind to inspire, a prayer to answer. 🙂
MattDecember 9, 2013 at 6:17 pm #46502AlParticipant
It sounds to me like you’re in need to find alternate housing. Perhaps you can post ‘looking for a roommate’ on a housing website in your area and continue to practice your patience with what Matt suggested while awaiting an answer. I’d like to add more but I believe this suffices.December 9, 2013 at 6:55 pm #46506
I have practised metta meditation before. And I can do this again.
I don’t want to control anyone else’s life, just a tiny piece of mine
I hope meditation will resolve this.
Just looked at my facebook and found this:
December 9, 2013 at 11:20 pm #46512valParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Abe.
I think Kinny gave a great suggestion. Al-anon is awesome.December 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm #46611
I am going tomorrow morning
(And just for the record, I didn’t tell my housemate not to use drugs in the house. I politely explained that I wasn’t comfortable with it.
My mistake to phrase it that way in my post)