Dear Kaycee:

You are welcome. Regarding your dreams, “In one recent dream he’s saying don’t look please don’t look and I lie and say no, I won’t, I’m not seeing anything, I promise, yet I look and see everything.. knowing it was wrong, and when I woke, I felt so guilty as if it just happened, it was so real”-

– maybe, just maybe you have been re-experiencing (in your couple of dreams and when awake, since May 4, when you started your thread) a real-life experience that happened to you. Maybe when you were younger someone looked at you naked, “down there”, and you felt very, very awkward. Do you remember any such experience?

anita

Dear Kaycee:

I will retell your story beginning May this year, and then give you my current input:

May 4-8: You (24), suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression, called your male friend (23), who has been depressed about the Covid-19 lockdown, drinking to excess, but he didn’t answer your call. You were worried about his safety, so, taking with you a key that you had to his apartment, you traveled to his apartment near his university campus, and entered his apartment without his permission. You found him naked and passed out in his bathtub.

You woke him up. At one point or another during that event, he told you (a) “that he fell asleep in the tub because he was drinking all day out of depression”, (b) he accused you of “violating his privacy because he was naked”, making a “reference to how he keeps himself (his hair ‘there).. how he chooses to shave that area”, and (c) he said “some real crude hurtful things.. crude and inappropriate”. His words troubled you very much, but you didn’t state here what those words were (“I won’t use his words because they were crude and disrespectful”).

May 12: by this date you gave him his key back, the two of you “spoke finally and worked things out… forgetting it and moving forward”. He “owned up to his comment being disrespectful and inappropriate”, and you expressed to him that you “need to also respect his feelings that he lost his privacy (about) how he keeps his hair there”. He then thanked you “for coming to help him”.

August 3: on another thread, you shared that three months after the May incident, he got a case of poison ivy and undressed in front of you so that you will put an ointment on his back, shoulders, and the back of his legs. You then saw again his “down there” area, and you were relieved that he no longer felt uncomfortable and angry with you for seeing him naked again.

August 4: on your own thread, I shared with you about my OCD, and asked you about yours. You answered: “I’m 25, mine started in my teens it was appearance self image insecurity self consciousness all that. Don’t want to get further into it”.

August 22: As a response to my post to you, you wrote that you have not been “turned on” to him and experienced no sexual feelings for him, and that you were “not focused on his ‘down there'”.

October 31: You shared that sadly, you and your friends “have distanced”, that he left his university apartment and moved in with his cousin 35 miles away, and that he “never got over me seeing him naked”.

You shared that (I will be adding punctuation to the quotes, to make them clearer) “OCD is still a challenge” for you, and that it “might’ve had something to do with it”. You shared: “from time to time over the months since, I had a couple of dreams remembering the situation and seeing it exactly as it was. In one recent dream he’s saying don’t look please, don’t look and I lie, I say: no, I won’t, I’m not seeing anything, I promise. Yet, I look and see everything as I saw it exactly, knowing it was wrong, and when I woke, I felt so guilty as if it just happened, it was so real”.

You wrote about the couple of dreams: “why and what’s wrong with my mind in sleep those couple of times”.

November 1: you answered my question about whether it happened in real-life, when you were younger, that someone looked at you naked/ looked at you “down there”, and that made you feel very awkward. You answered: “No.. never, I’m sure”. And you added: “could be it’s my OCD or my loneliness or maybe because how he kept his hair there or all three, idk the reason or the answer”.

My current input: you don’t know “the reason or answers” but the reason exists and so do the answers. What is the reason and what are the answers? I am guessing that they are hidden in what you were not willing to share: (a) in those “real crude hurtful things… crude and inappropriate.. crude and disrespectful” words that he told you, words you “won’t use”. (b) in the nature and history of your OCD which has been about “appearance self image insecurity self consciousness all that”, which you “don’t want to get further into it”.

The story that you told is a strange story: he was .. traumatized, so it reads, about you seeing him naked, particularly by you seeing his naked “down there”, and you fully knew how traumatized he was, and yet less than three months later (Aug), he was okay and you were okay with rubbing his naked body with an ointment and seeing him naked “down there” once again.

Fast forward less than 3 months later (Oct) you wrote: “he never got over me seeing him naked”- but wait, I thought that in Aug he was fine with you seeing him naked when he.. let you see him naked. I don’t know what happened between Aug and Oct to have led you to believe that he didn’t get over it after all. I wonder if he told you those words, and if there were more incidents of you seeing him naked between Aug and Oct.

Again, the reasons are in what you didn’t share about, in what you didn’t want to answer and in the gaps between your posts, in the interactions that you had with him about which you did not share.

I can only guess as to possibilities of what happened that you didn’t share about, but I don’t see the point of doing that. I respect your right t not share what you don’t want to share.

anita

How are you, KayCee?

anita

Dear KayCee:

In your original post on May 4 2020, and in your second post on May 5, you wrote about your friend at the time: “he’s been in his apartment near Uni campus in isolation and he got real drunk. I went over to check on him and he was passed out in the tub. When I woke him he got so mad at me, he accused me of violating his privacy because he was naked.. he said.. I violated his privacy and made reference to how he keeps (his hair ‘there’.. to how he chooses to shave that area”-

– On May 6, I wondered how you were able to enter his apartment, given that he was drunk in his tub and unable to open the door to you. I wrote to you on that day: “I suppose you entered his apartment that day because you had a key to it (?)” In that post, introduced to you the idea that you had a key to his apartment. You replied on the same day, May 6: “yes, had a key and still have it”.

It is today, Feb 19, 2021, nine months later, that I realize that it makes no sense that (1) he gave you a key to begin with, being you were a friend, not a sometimes living-in girlfriend, especially being as concerned as he was about his privacy, and (2)  being as angry as he was when you entered his apartment using the key (if he gave you a key),  that he didn’t demand his key back on that same day you entered his apartment while he was naked in the tub.

It doesn’t make sense that you didn’t mention a key before I introduced the question of how you entered his apartment without his permission, and it doesn’t make sense that you “still have it” in May 6.

It also doesn’t make sense that less than 3 months after the bathtub incident, after he was so terribly ashamed and angry about you seeing his “down there”, and after you felt so embarrassed and guilty about seeing his “down there”,  in August 2-3 2020, he got a case of Poison Ivey, while you were with him, he then got an ointment from the pharmacy, and allowed you to place the ointment on his naked body, allowing you- once again- to see his “down there”, and this time, “he was okay with it”.

At this point, I am thinking that you didn’t tell the story truthfully. If you need help, better you tell the truth. I am not here to make you feel ashamed for not having told the truth. I am here to suggest that if you need help, better tell the truth, especially given that this is an anonymous forum.

I will not shame you in any way for telling the truth next, if you choose to do so. Given the truth, I may be able to suggest something helpful to you.

anita