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tried to help friend

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  • #353048
    KC
    Participant

    im 24 female my friend hes 23 is like a brother to me weve been great friends for a long time. hes so depressed with this lockdown hes been in his apartment near uni campus in isolation and he got real drunk. I went over to check on him and he  was passed out in the tub. when I woke him he got so mad at me he accused me of violating his privacy because he was naked. i tried to  explain and he said some real crude hurtful things. I  left and I feel guilty  because I saw him naked I only wanted to help. I tried to call first but he didn’t answer. he told me he fell asleep in the  tub because he was drinking  all day  out of depression. hes ashamed I saw how he  looks like naked. what do I do?

    #353120
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KC:

    You did the right thing going to his apartment- he could drown being passed out drunk in a tub (if there is water in it), or otherwise he can hurt himself falling on a hard surface.

    You did the right thing by him even though he … didn’t express the appreciation and gratitude that you deserve.

    I am guessing that he reacted so badly because he is in a bad mental shape and he was embarrassed that you saw him naked and drunk, just like you wrote: “he’s ashamed”.

    “what do I do?”- send him a message online, or bring him a card/ letter and place it  in his mailbox, expressing that you care a lot for him, and that you need his friendship, that you are lonely and having trouble with the lockdown, and you need his help, his friendship back.

    I hope to read from you again, and I am curious how he will respond if you follow my advice.

    anita

    #353276
    KC
    Participant

    Anita hi thank you for the great advise so appreciated! Are you near our age? I am giving him time he hasn’t called or text me back yet. I will write a note or card as you said and try that. His words were hurtful and Im still upset by what he said to me and accusing me of invading his privacy when I tried to explain that I didn’t care if he was naked I only wanted to help him.  I tried to reassure him that he still had his privacy. I wont use his words because they were crude and disrespectful but he said no I violated his privacy he made reference to how he keeps himself (his hair “there”).  I feel embarrassed and not ready to write yet but I will if this continues. everything is worst because  this lockdown has everyone so stressed and crazy. I realize hes ashamed and he was drunk people say things they don’t mean when drinking but why would he accuse me of violating his  privacy or make reference to how he chooses to shave that area that’s his business  its personal and I don’t  care! Anita how do i  forget what he said shouldnt  he apologize  to me also?  but I  feel guilty  now  and need to figure this all out. Thank  you for your great suggestions. Is there anything else you recommend.

    #353286
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KC:

    You are welcome. I am not around your age but I used to be (it feels like only yesterday..). As far as what your friend told you, his “crude and disrespectful” words, if a friendship is to resume, then yes, he will have to sincerely apologize to you.

    “how do I forget what he said”- I don’t think you can forget. Maybe what he said will not bother you much or at all in the future, but you’ll probably remember it.

    “because this lockdown has everyone so stressed and crazy”- as you ponder what to do with this friend (currently on inactive friendship status), remember that you are also under stress and you need to take care of yourself first. So, if his craziness makes you crazy- better give up on activating the friendship, better accept the possibility that this friendship is one of the many casualties of this pandemic.

    I am guessing that he is in no shape to activate a healthy friendship, so all you can do is send him that card, some form of goodwill expressed in it, and let it go best you can. If he contacts you after you send the card, take it from there. Do post here anytime and I’ll be glad to reply to you every time you do post.

    anita

    #353290
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi KC,

    This guy’s been like a brother to you and I think it’s possible he’s afraid of two things: 1) that you may see him differently now, and 2) that you may talk about this incident with others. If you write the note you may want to promise him that neither of these things will happen, and then follow through on your promise.

    You did the right thing by checking up on him. I hope one day he realizes that.

    B

    #353516
    KC
    Participant

    Brandy hi thank you  for  your input! yes I was thinking the same that he is afraid now I will never view him the same or maybe think different of him because I  know how his privates look like and how he keeps his hair “there” (because of his  words he said to  me about invading his privacy   but I realize he could’ve  said it out of embarassment and intoxication) however  I would never ever talk   to  anyone else about  this and he should  know that  about me.  I found this forum   by accident and came here for that  reason to  get honest anonymous   advise without anyone knowing him  or me. I hope  as you say  that he realizes I did   the right thing. Brandy i will  include your points  in the note I eventually write him along with what  Anita recommended  also. Brandy why would he make that reference  even if he  was ashamed and   intoxicated ? K

    #353520
    KC
    Participant

    Anita  thank  you  and I will  have  to let  this all take  its course but I am  very mindful of what you say and it is a reality  I  will have   to accept. Regarding what you said (easier to  just copy it and repost here)  “how do I forget what he said”- I don’t think you can forget. Maybe what he said will not bother you much or at all in the future, but you’ll probably remember it. I must forget what he said in order to move forward if we  are  to remain good platonic friends. I don’t want to remember his  words and  I don’t want to remember  how he looks like naked whenever I see him in the future. I am thinking maybe  as Brandy said his accusation of me  violating his privacy is because he is afraid I am going to view him different now or Im always going to remember something so personal about  him and thus his reference about me knowing  how he  shaves his private area was  said defensively and not with malice although it hurt me and was very inappropriate and disrespected  my  good  intentions to help him because  I care.  I  don’t know  but I  want to give him the  benefit if the doubt  and  hope time heals  this situation.

    #353528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KC:

    You are welcome. I hope you forget what you want to forget and that he does too. I suppose you entered his apartment that day because you had a key to it (?) If so, I wonder if he asked for that key back or if you gave him back his keys.

    anita

    #353530
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi KC,

    Just to clarify, you’re asking me why he would make a reference about choosing to shave that area, right? It’s hard to know for sure. Maybe he feels there’s a cultural expectation that masculine men wouldn’t concern themselves with shaving that area,  and maybe he’s been conflicted about this for some time. There’s strong social pressure for men to be a certain way and being seen as less masculine can be terrifying for some guys, I’m thinking. Or I could be totally wrong, but if he feels he’s been “outed” as less masculine than he would like to be seen, I guess I would understand his reaction, but I still think you did the right thing.

    B

    #353544
    KC
    Participant

    Anita yes had a key and still have it.

    #353552
    KC
    Participant

    Brandy idk why I asked its his business. this has all been so difficult. I know some men choose to groom that area just as we females do. I don’t have a bf now not for a while but my ex did also. I guess to clarify it  was what he said to  me about how he keeps his hair not  that the fact that he chooses to shave some..not all.. of his hair there. did  that make any sense at all

    #353562
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KC:

    You may want to return the key to him, or ask him if he wants it back. Regarding his intimate part grooming practices- I don’t understand why you brought it up repeatedly here. I am puzzled by your focus on it.

    anita

    #353686
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi KC,

    Yes, it makes sense to me. It’s hard to know why he said that. Maybe he was so drunk that he just didn’t know what he was saying. Maybe his main issue with this whole incident is that you saw him passed out and naked in his bathtub. A lot of people want to be able to control how others see them. He may worry that by seeing him in that state you may now judge him. People like to hide the things they think others will judge them for. You don’t seem like the judgmental type though.

    I’d probably let things cool down for a while, give him some space to get over his embarrassment.

    B

    #353976
    KC
    Participant

    anita and brandy thanks for all your help  and advise in this. anita its not a focus about how he looks rather its his words and me feeling guilty over it. I over explained I guess and i feel bad that he accused me of violating his privacy but I didn’t use his words  because they were crude and inappropriate. I have ocd and deal with depression and this whole lockdown and this incident with him has me stressed that’s why I posed  in health and wellness forum. wish I never went over. brandy I don’t and wont judge him for what I saw or what i know that’s so personal for him.  I will let things go for now your right.

    #353992
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KC:

    “I have ocd and deal with depression and this lockdown”- you are welcome to share more about your struggle with OCD, depression and the lockdown. I myself was diagnosed long ago with OCD and depression, having suffered both from an early age. Maybe there is something useful that I will be able to offer you if you share more.

    Regarding your friend, you wrote: “I didn’t use his words because they were crude and inappropriate”- crude and inappropriate in normal circumstances, but for a drunk man lying naked in his bathtub, expecting to be alone, relaxing into his depression, being interrupted by someone, is not normal circumstances. So what he said during that time, when he was drunk naked, was not inappropriate to the circumstances. The fact that he didn’t apologize later, after sobering up, that’s a different story.

    I am surprised that he didn’t ask you for his keys back, after being so distressed about you entering his apartment unannounced. Maybe he is so out of it, that he didn’t consider asking for his keys back; maybe he is not distressed about what happened anymore.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

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