Trust issues or am I right to confront him?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 16, 2015 at 2:20 am #83429

TheDaydreamer
Participant

Hello everyone

I have to get this off my chest and tell someone… And also I need some adivce about where to go from here.

Here’s what happened: my boyfriends ex has been a big debate between us. I am okay with them being in touch and seeing each other from time to time, all in all I just don’t think he should be her number one person anymore. Whenever she needs anything, she asks him. When she feels like crap, she tells him. Now, he has never not spent time with me to spend time with her and he always tells me about meeting her. I have told him I am scared that he is still in a sort of co-dependent relationship with her.
I struggle with anxiety, so sometimes I can get real “paranoid” anxious about some things. Now, I do admit I have already once looked at the texts they have sent back and forth, but only really quickly. I felt so bad afterwards I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again and I also wouldn’t tell him.
Now yesterday, I had the day off of work and he left my place but forgot his phone. I woke up sleepy and saw his phone. I grabbed it instinctively and was suddenly looking at their whatsapp history. And I wasn’t looking for anything, I was just bursting with the need to know what they were talking about. SO here’s what I’ve found that disturbs me:
-She asked him to check if her new profile picture is visible on facebook. He says “Yes.” and “beautiful girl”. Not ok to me. This was three months ago. I must say I believe he knows how insecure and unstable she is and wants to make her feel good. But he’s my boyfriend and not hers so that’s not his job.
-He often tells me he hangs out with people who contact him, which is why he still sees her often. But he asked her to hang out a lot too. So why lie about that? The only part that angers me is the lying.
-He got instagram although he always laughed at me for having it. I told him, when he added me I saw she had already followed him and made a little sarcastic joke about her “being everywhere” to which he said “Well, I can’t help it if people see that I’m on it and they wanna follow me”. BUT in a text he acutally said to her “hey, can you add me on instagram?”. Why lie, again?
-He decided for himself to deny her helping her out with things like building furniture and stuff because he feels like she asks whenever she needs anything. So she asked again “Will you help me out or not” which he said “Not without a reward” and she said “Well I could cook something” to which HE said “no, it’s ok. I get it if you don’t want to do it with a reward / something in it for me”. To which she said “well I’m not a whore!” and he: “And I’m not a bimbo”. I mean, why would she jump to saying she’s not a whore when all he said was he wants a reward? That drives me insane! What if he means something physical or sexual?

Seriously guys, I’m going insane here. Please tell me what to do. He noticed that I was weird and nervous this morning and confronted me about it. I said there were things I had to come to peace with with myself, and we’d talk on the weekend.

Should I just confront him? Should I swallow it down and wait and see how things go on? I feel like I betrayed his trust, I know I did. But my gut instinct just told me to read their texts (and I only read the things between him and his ex!) and I did find things! I do feel like he lied. Yes, it was little things, but still. And the whole “reward for my help” just freaks me the eff out.

Please help me…

September 16, 2015 at 3:06 am #83432

Matic
Participant

Hi TheDaydreamer!

I will be totally honest, as I think you wish I am!

There are many red flags if you ask me. Some more orangy and some bright red.

The orangy ones are the lying. I think he lied to you because in his mind the thing which he lied about is not a big thing while he knew to you it will be a huge thing. But lying is still not ok. About the lying and this stuff I will post a link to a video that might proof helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOy4cFzWz1Q

Ok. For me the really bright red flag is the reward thing. It is flirty and in my mind that is not ok. If it is ok with you that is entirely up to your standards. It does not necesarilly mean there is something really up, but what it definetely means is there have been some thoughts about it. It is normal to feel atraction to other people but there is a line. The line, in my mind, is crossed when you act on it in any way. If you cannot be totally platonic especially with your ex then staying friends is a really stupid idea and it is made even stupider if it jeoperdizes the current relationship you are in as in your case.

I suggest that you confront him. You also made a mistake with your snooping and you should be held accountable for your mistake. This is how it is in life. When you keep yourself accountable you grow and you better yourself by doing the right thing. The perfect example of this is weight resistance training. Anyways… Confront him. Decide beforehand what your standards about the while thing are and enforce them. You should not undervalue yourself. But also be reasonable. You should not build an unsustainable situation by telling him he should not see his ex anymore. This is bad practice and it never works out. I think the video pretty much sums it up.

Hope your situation is resolved in a positive manner.

Have a great day.
Matic

September 16, 2015 at 5:18 am #83436
Inky
Participant
Hi TheDayDreamer,

Here are my thoughts:

1. It sounds like your BF and his ex are really good friends and do have this certain easy going rapport. If it were me and my friends, this is how I would interpret it:

“Not without a reward” = “Why should I do a big azz favor for you” (while also making reference to the time they were together)
“I’m not a slut” = “In your dreams, buddy!”
“And I’m not a bimbo” = “I really think you’re a dumb girl and I wouldn’t do anything anyway. But stop asking me for favors!”

I interpreted it as he knows she’s taking advantage of their friendship, and he wouldn’t go there. HOWEVER they feel SO comfortable having these kind of fun exchanges.

2. He lies to you because he wants this easy going friendship with no drama.

3. If it were me, my solution could either solve the situation or ultimately head for a breakup. I would say, “When you visit her, you have to bring me.” What a bummer, right?? However, I would also paradoxically invite her over. The more she sees you two as a couple, the more any fantasies are eradicated and the more she associates him with you. The next time she asks for help, YOU show up, or YOU show up FIRST and say, “Well, here I am!!” ready to help her put furniture/whatever together. LOL

4. Go on Instagram and Like and Comment on things she and your BF post! Same with FB. Once a week so you are in their circle. Same with everything. Mark your territory, girl! At the same time, DON’T act upset or like “she’s” a big deal around your BF.

5. Say “We” a lot, around your BF and to this girl. Post pics of the two of you and the awesome gifts he gives you on birthday/Xmas/V-Day. And of vacation posts. Don’t overdo this. One a month. You’re aiming for subtle but powerful.

OK, Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
September 16, 2015 at 5:39 am #83440

Anonymous
Inactive

Good morning TheDayDreamer,

I could spend a lot of time writing about how your boyfriend is wrong and that if he loved you he would not be doing anything that he is aware causes you any kind of distress or makes you question his loyalty to you. What I am going to spend time writing about is this….start living your life for you and learn to love yourself more. Focus your time and energy on living a life full of joy, peace, and happiness. Do more inside work, and spend less time worrying about the wrong he may or may not be doing. All that is dark will come to the light and when it does as a woman you must be prepared to deal with it and move forward with dignity and grace. Life is a precious gift to be cherished and spending too much time in a life that doesn’t make you a better person is a wasted life. People do wrong all of the time, and karma absolutely deals with that so stop worrying yourself into more misery and take care of you. We as women are wonderful, beautiful creatures that are capable building amazing lives, but no woman that hasn’t done her inside work ever will become the queen she is meant to be. Deal with your anxiety and insecurity and be strong, and pray that God reveals your path so that you make wise choices and live in his will. I speak from experience and I promise that all the work is worth it!

Good luck,
Natalie

September 16, 2015 at 5:39 am #83441
Inky
Participant
Disclaimer: My advice (above) is NOT popular, but it DOES work a lot of the time!

Your other option is to tell him, “It’s not working”.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
September 16, 2015 at 8:40 am #83446

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TheDaydreamer:

It doesn’t sit well with me, this relationship he has with the other woman while you are his girlfriend. I would tell him that I am not okay with it, and tell him that unless there is a real, self motivated change in his mind (unlikely)- that you are not interested in continuing the relationship with him. I would want him to not be interested in a continuance of a relationship with her, not in him cutting off contacts with her unwillingly, under pressure.

I don’t see how you can go on in this relationship knowing what you know as if it is not there. The reward comment is unexcusable, simply unacceptable in my mind, a stop sign in my view.

anita
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