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Understanding & overcoming a loved one's behavior

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  • September 4, 2014 at 9:49 am #64382
    kristin
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I have been visiting Tiny Buddha for some time now in hopes of learning to let go of past hurt, coping better with problems with loved ones, and healing myself/ becoming a better person overall. This is my first time posting to the forums.

    I understand that this might be a strange topic, but I feel that understanding and overcoming this is part of my healing journey. A lot of my emotional troubles come from a relationship with a close loved one. One of the more hurtful things that stays with me is that she lies quite a bit. Unfortunately, it has come back to me from random sources that she lies about what I’m doing with my life. For example, she has on several occasions told people I was in a different career or in a different graduate program than what I am actually in. I know that she thinks that this type of thing wouldn’t get back to me, and it was purely coincidental that it did.

    It has been hurtful to me over the last couple years to know that such a close loved one, someone who should be one of my biggest support systems, has been lying about what I am doing for my career/education (for what it’s worth, I’m studying business and have worked in assistant management positions while I’m going through school). Her lying about this has added on to already existing damage to the relationship from the last 7 years. However, I have recently discovered that she does not just do this to me. Again, through coincidence, I found out that she lies about her education/career as well. For instance, she will say she has a masters or a doctorate degree to those who do not know better.

    So now I’m starting to piece together that it’s not just me that she’s lying about. She’s lying about her life and accomplishments, as well. I know this might seem silly or weird, but it has caused a lot of pain for me. I am hoping someone here can help me to understand why she does this. I am not comfortable to speak openly with her about my feelings. Speaking with her about things in the past has created more problems and at this point I feel it is up to me to learn and understand how to cope with the past hurt and overcome future issues. I think maybe the first step in doing this is understanding why she does these things so that I can rationalize where she is coming from rather than feel hurt. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

    September 4, 2014 at 11:24 am #64388
    Banu Sekendur
    Participant

    Wow, Kristin, that’s a biggie. I can only imagine the sense of betrayal you might be feeling. As if you don’t know when anymore or what to trust. Our our sense of reality gets shaken up when something like this shows up. I sense that this person is so far into this pattern that they don’t know how to stop. One way I might be able to help you find an opening is this: Think about a behavior that you have, you don’t like it (maybe feel guilty or icky afterwards) but you don’t know how to stop. It has almost become automatic and unconscious. I believe that we all have something like that in our lives. Patterns are addictive and one that seems to be based on survival (like lying) is hard to break. One thing you might do for yourself out of self love is to realize that this behavior/habit of hers isn’t personal to you (though, the implications are personal) and it comes from a deep desire to find acceptance. She obviously does not believe that she is good enough to receive acceptance and love from people as who she is now. I hope that helps. I wrote a blogpost on this topic that might help: http://www.workwithbanu.com/what-to-remember-when-dealing-with-toxic-people/

    Much love,
    Banu

    September 5, 2014 at 3:35 am #64408
    Jax
    Participant

    Hi Kristin,

    Firstly, I want to acknowledge the hurt that you feel; lies to me are like stabbing me in the chest! Although every experience is different and everyone reacts differently to situations I have been in a relationship with someone who has lied, deceived and sneaked around behind my back for 18 months; it has driven me to the point where I have checked, logged into accounts, left recordings going to find out whether they tell the truth and been to my GP, a counsellor and a psychiatrist because I was afraid that it was my fault and I had a paranoia type mental illness. We keep trying again but everytime I feel less and less able to tell whether I am being told the truth or not. I’m reacting in a way that I do not like even more now. I do not like myself at the moment. I can only offer what I have learned from being in that situation and looking back…

    I have realised something – it didn’t drive me to that point. It was my choice to stay, every time I forgave them and tried to understand, I made a choice, as much as it was their choice to keep lying, even if it was a deep seated issue for them, it was still a personal choice.

    I am a co-dependant, I like to think that if I give people enough chances they will ‘fix’ themselves and come through for me. This is totally wrong, if someone has an issue they will have to fix it for themselves first, not anyone else. You can give people as many chances as you like but if they are not in a place where they are ready to resolve their own issues, they won’t and by keep giving them the chances you are feeding their issue. I am learning to accept this and treat myself with the same respect and love that I like to treat others with…I’m still trying to figure out where to draw the line though.

    In every situation there are two people, two sets of choices and two people with responsibilities for their own actions. No one makes you behave the way that you do. I am in the early days of learning to sit with someone else actions/words for a while and make a decision about what action, if any, I am going to take. It’s very, very hard to do, especially in such a potentially volatile situation, so I have broken off the relationship to give myself time to learn to do this. I’ve told him I can only offer friendship to anyone at this point. It’s his choice if he takes it or not. Once I have got my ‘calm’ back, I may be able to offer more.

    Try not to spin the word ‘why’ around your head too much – a lot of the time you will just have to accept that people act the way that they do and you will not be able to understand it. That is also a very difficult thing to learn to do, we all like to have answers and be compassionate about other people but be kind to yourself, don’t let it eat you up.

    I hope that these comments help you even just a little on your way to finding your ‘calm’

    Jax x

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