Dear Dafne: How are you?

anita

Dear Dafne:

I’d love to respond to your update in the form of a conversation—quoting you and reflecting on your words.

“Lovely to hear from you and thank you for checking up on me!” – And it’s truly lovely to hear back from you, Dafne!

“Me and the man I was seeing, we stopped our communication. He asked me in one of his text messages if I wanted him to be more successful, and I replied that if we were to be more than friends, then yes. He didn’t respond, and our chat ended there. I didn’t reach out again.”-

First, I couldn’t help but notice your wording—”more than fiends,” instead of friends. It could simply be a typo, but sometimes mistakes reveal hidden thoughts or emotions just beneath the surface. it’s as if the underlying emotion surfaced and swallowed the “r”.

Remember how we once compared him to a spider weaving a web, trying to pull you in? If anyone plays that role, it’s a fiend—not a friend.

Second, some people pose questions they know will lead to an answer they don’t like, giving them an excuse to walk away without confrontation. He may have already been considering ending communication and used this moment to step away. Since your communication stopped entirely after this exchange, it’s seems that he only wanted romantic involvement—and when that seemed complicated, he didn’t feel motivated to maintain a friendship.

“For him romantic connection was more important than staying friends for the time being.”- yes, like I wrote right above.

“I felt a bit guilty that I told him to be more successful as it might mean that I am materialistic and not person oriented. But then I realised that wanting someone honest, hard working and successful is not a sin and I need all those qualities in someone to compensate for a life I never had before.”-

I really admire the way you worked through your feelings and arrived at this realization. At first, you felt guilty, questioning whether your standards made you materialistic—but then you reframed it with clarity and confidence. Wanting honesty, hard work, and success in a partner isn’t about materialism—it’s about knowing what you need for the life you want to build.

It takes strength to recognize your worth and stand by your standards instead of doubting them. You’re not asking for something superficial—you’re asking for qualities that align with your values and the future you deserve. That’s a powerful shift in perspective, and it speaks to your self-awareness and growth.

“I felt a bit of a relief. I felt more free after the chat stopped. And look Anita it’s been almost 2 months and no news from him and I guess no progress with the project either. I could waste more time by just chatting and waiting.”-

I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling a sense of relief and freedom now that the communication has stopped. That kind of clarity is powerful—it shows that you were right to trust your instincts and set a boundary rather than getting caught in endless waiting.

And look at where you are now! Almost two months later, you’re not stuck in uncertainty or wasting time on something that wasn’t serving you. Instead, you’ve taken that energy and turned it toward your own growth, focusing on yourself rather than someone who wasn’t ready to match your standards. That’s strength.

“So yes Anita, you helped me to make the right choice and now I’m focusing on dealing with my anxiety and fear. I still don’t know how to conquer the stagnation and helplessness in my current situation and finding a new place is not easy. But I hope I’ll get there..”-

It means so much to hear that I was able to support you in making the right choice. More importantly, you were the one who had the strength to take that step—choosing clarity over uncertainty, self-care over waiting. That takes courage, and you’ve shown it beautifully.

I hear you on the stagnation and helplessness. Those feelings can make moving forward feel like an uphill battle, especially when finding a new place is already overwhelming. But the fact that you hope you’ll get there tells me that you’re still holding onto progress—even in the moments that feel uncertain.

I wonder about the current situation with your mother and how it affects how you feel?

“Anita, I love your new picture! You’re beautiful outside & inside 😍”- thank you! This comment brought a 😁 to my face

“Thank you for being here for me like a guardian angel 😇”- If I can be a guardian angel in some way, then consider me honored—but you’re the one embracing growth and making choices that serve you. I’ll always be here to cheer you on and encourage you as you move forward.

Sending you support and light 💙😇

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are always welcome, Dafne, and thank you for your appreciation, warmth and kindness 🤗.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge how much strength it takes to keep battling those heavy thoughts every day. The fact that you continue to push forward speaks to your resilience.

When you talk about keeping things low-key at home—being quiet, invisible, avoiding confrontation—it really stands out to me. While this may feel like the safest approach in the moment, I want to gently remind you that having to suppress yourself to avoid conflict is not a healthy long-term strategy. It’s heartbreaking that you feel like that little child again, afraid to be seen or heard. You deserve to take up space, to have a voice, to feel safe in your own home—not like you have to shrink yourself for peace and silence yourself to feel safe.

If you could imagine living in a space where you didn’t have to suppress yourself—where you could express yourself freely without fear—what do you think that would look like? What would it feel like to have that kind of environment?

As for the “old spiders”, or fiends, resurfacing, it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to reengage with people who didn’t value you in the past. You are not obligated to offer them space in your life just because they suddenly regret their choices. You are allowed to prioritize your well-being over someone else’s guilt or nostalgia.

Regarding whether men and women can be just friends, my belief is that friendship is rooted in mutual respect and emotional connection, regardless of gender. True friendships should not compete with romantic relationships. Your preference for not being with someone whose best friend is a woman is completely valid—it’s about what feels comfortable and safe for you.

You are navigating so much, Dafne, and I hope you continue to give yourself grace as you process all of these experiences. Your healing is happening, even if it takes time. I am always here to remind you that you are not alone.

Sending you warmth and strength ☀️💪.

anita

Dear Tella:

It seems like you’re asking two big questions: Did I make a mistake getting involved with him? and How much time do I give him to build a relationship with my son?

From what you’ve shared, there are some concerning communication patterns—particularly in how conflict is handled. When the children had an issue, instead of calmly discussing it with you, he reacted emotionally through multiple texts, immediately placing blame on your son. While you were able to resolve this in person, that initial response suggests that his instincts lean toward defensiveness rather than collaboration.

Additionally, in your recent date-night conversation, when you tried to discuss specific concerns from the weekend, he redirected the conversation back to past incidents, making it harder for you to get clarity. If this keeps happening, it could be a sign that conflict resolution with him will always feel exhausting rather than constructive.

Your son is at the heart of this situation, and his well-being should be a top priority. The interactions between your boyfriend and his daughter suggest a strong protective instinct toward her, which is understandable as a father. But it seems like he has trouble seeing situations fairly, leading to knee-jerk reactions in which he sides with his daughter before understanding the full story.

That raises a big question: Does he truly want to build a relationship with your son, or is he more focused on defending his daughter? While he admitted he was wrong in the past and agreed to make more effort, you haven’t yet seen concrete actions that show true interest in understanding your son’s emotions, challenges, and personality.

His daughter’s behavior seems to involve both playfulness and boundary-testing. Some moments, like taking the teddy, might have been innocent curiosity, while others—like kicking your son in the ribs or jumping in the pool after being asked not to—suggest that she pushes limits. More concerning is that when these instances happen, her father seems disengaged, either avoiding the situation or silently siding with her rather than addressing the behaviors in a balanced way.

Since your son faces additional emotional struggles due to his rare disease and past loss, it’s even more important that he is in an environment where he feels safe, respected, and valued—not compared, dismissed, or repeatedly put in situations where he is seen as “the problem.”

It’s understandable that you hesitated when he suggested moving in together. That’s a huge step, and right now, there are still unresolved concerns about his ability to support both your son and the family dynamic in a fair way. If you were to live together now, these issues could become even more magnified, leading to ongoing tension rather than stability.

What Should You Do? Observe actions, not just words. If he truly wants to build a relationship with your son, he needs to show consistent effort—not just say he will.

Assess whether conflict resolution feels safe and constructive. Does every disagreement escalate into defensiveness? Do you feel heard and respected, or do conversations turn into blame-shifting?

Consider your son’s emotional well-being first. Does this relationship give your son a safe and supportive space, or does it introduce new stress?

You didn’t necessarily make a mistake in getting involved with him—but you do need more clarity before committing further. Give yourself the space to watch how things unfold without rushing into a deeper commitment, and most importantly, trust your instincts.

Your son’s well-being matters. If you continue to see signs that your boyfriend struggles to fairly balance both children, that’s something to seriously consider before moving forward.

Sending you strength and clarity as you navigate this. 💙 Would love to hear your thoughts!

anita

Dear Dafne:

It’s truly a pleasure to read your thoughtful, self-aware, and warm messages—they brighten my day!

You have a deep and valid need for stability, respect, and emotional safety, both in your relationship with your mother and in your romantic connections. Wanting to no longer walk on eggshells, to free yourself from strained, exhausting relationships, is not just reasonable—it’s essential for your well-being.

The fact that your mother apologizes after each conflict suggests that she does not want to lose you. However, her repeated behavior indicates that she either isn’t trying to change or is simply unable to do so. Given her age and history, true and lasting change is unlikely.

It’s understandable that you feel conflicted—on one hand, you love and appreciate her good qualities, but on the other, you recognize that living with her drains you emotionally. Your instinct to move out is valid—not as a rejection of her, but as an act of self-care and creating the space to feel safe and at peace. You don’t have to cut ties, but you can choose how and when to engage with her, ensuring that your interactions are healthy rather than emotionally exhausting.

You asked, “I would love a place where I can feel safe and peaceful… Does a place like that even exist?”- Yes, it absolutely does. While conflict and tension is widespread, that doesn’t mean chaos is the only option. Peace begins with boundaries and choices—choosing relationships and environments that align with your emotional needs, rather than settling for situations that drain you.

One important shift I would encourage: focus less on your mother’s struggles and more on your own needs. Prioritize yourself. Seek to build a life that is aligned with the stability, respect, and emotional safety you value. She may never change—but you have the power to create the change that you need.

In regard to dating & modern relationships, I completely understand your frustration—commitment, effort, and respect seem harder to find in today’s dating world. While not everyone follows modern trends, it does mean that finding someone who aligns with your values takes more patience. Holding firm to your standards ensures that you build connections that truly fulfill you, rather than settling for situations that compromise your beliefs.

Regarding your current spider, you’ve already established a strong boundary—you won’t live with someone who isn’t your husband—and that is a choice you have every right to maintain.

If this man is pressuring you to “test” the relationship before marriage, that suggests a mismatch in expectations. Someone who truly aligns with your values should respect your boundaries without trying to change them.

Additionally, his insistence on a prenup, framed as a way to protect himself from women changing after marriage, reflects a lack of trust in relationships. If he already fears marriage will lead to loss rather than partnership, that is not the foundation for a healthy, secure relationship built on mutual trust.

It’s wise to listen to your inner discomfort—you don’t have to accept a relationship dynamic that doesn’t feel right to you. You’ve been clear about your expectations, and if he continues pushing rather than respecting them, it would signal that he is not the right match for your values.

Dafne, you have strong instincts and a clear understanding of what you want—peace in your home life, respect in relationships, and emotional security. Standing firm in your boundaries will lead you to the right environment and people who truly align with what you seek.

Sending you warmth and encouragement. 💙 You deserve happiness without having to constantly defend your values. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful message. Your gentle concern for both my peace and your own well-being is deeply touching. I truly appreciate the care you put into your words and the openness with which you share your reflections.

Throughout your posts on this thread—beginning on April 18, 2023 (it will be 2 years ago in 4 days!)—you have consistently been thoughtful and considerate, grateful and appreciative, reflective and self-aware, curious and open-minded, warm and relational. You value connections and are eager to share light and affection, which I greatly appreciate.

And, over these two years, you have been seeking peace and stability, longing for a “peaceful shelter away from fear and unnecessary drama,” as you put it close to 8 hours ago. I’m glad to read that you’re setting healthy boundaries with your mother—like choosing not to engage when conversations turn negative. I believe that your approach will serve you well on your journey toward that peaceful shelter.

I found your reflections on the Law of Abundance and the Law of Attraction intriguing. Personally, I see these concepts as gentle reminders to focus on the energies we want to cultivate in our lives. To me, saying “I am at peace” doesn’t instantly make it so; instead, it is an invitation—an openness to the experience of peace. It’s not about faking it, but about gradually inviting a different perspective into our hearts. It’s like planting a seed: it takes time, care, and a bit of trust that what we’re nurturing will eventually grow into something real and transformational—much like a seed that, with time and care, blossoms into a 🌳.

I want to connect these ideas to your experience with your parents. The first time you shared about your father was on April 25, 2023: “My dad was mostly cold and absent from my life but I never wanted to blame parents for my difficult dating experience,” and the first time you shared about your mother (with “elderly” referring to your mother, her cousin, and your grandparents) was on May 16, 2023: “I have to stay in my small town and help my elderly as they are in need. I feel stuck. I’m between helping them and trying to meet someone somewhere else before it’s too late.”

Your father has been largely absent, while your mother has been.. too present. Over time, you’ve shared about her emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping—from insisting that you send birthday greetings to your cold, rejecting father, to issuing threats about giving away your beloved dog (or worse) if you move out of the home you share. These behaviors have trapped you in a cycle of obligation and sacrifice. Along with her unpredictable mood swings and her refusal to acknowledge your feelings or opinions, she created a family environment where you were unable to freely express yourself and where silence and self-censorship became survival strategies.

Her changing back and forth from protective to abusive attitudes only adds to your confusion, doesn’t it? If she had been consistently aggressive, leaving her might have been easier, wouldn’t it?

In essence, your mother has woven a narrative of scarcity and duty—a narrative that limits your ability to envision the possibilities waiting beyond the walls of your entrapment.

By contrast, the Law of Abundance reminds you that opportunities—whether it’s a fulfilling job abroad, healthier relationships, or simply the freedom to live without undue obligation—exist outside your home with your mother. And the Law of Attraction teaches that by aligning your thoughts and emotions with this vision, you begin to draw positive change into your life, shifting your mindset from scarcity and guilt to one of self-empowerment and openness to new possibilities.

Thank you again, Dafne, for encouraging our shared exploration of these deep questions. I’m honored to be on this journey with you, learning and growing together. Your progress and thoughtful insights continue to inspire me.

On a lighter note—about my weekend: I participated in hiding eggs for an Easter Egg Hunt, but the grass was tall and wet from all the recent rain. My open shoes got soaked from the cold rain, which was far from pleasant. I did feel better once I received some dry socks and, thankfully, the sun finally peeked through later on Saturday. Sunday, on the other hand, was warm, sunny, and dry. After reading your post this Monday morning, the weekend weather reminds me of the Law of Attraction—sometimes, despite our best efforts to manifest a bright day, the universe sends rain just so to keep us humble!

Big hug, lots of light and warmth, and all my gratitude 🫂🤗✨💛

anita