Dear Dafne,

I’m so glad to hear from you again! I’m happy you had a nice time at the retreat. You stayed there for quite a while! And planning to go back for an even longer stay, right?

Let me first comment on the situation with the man: his first reaction was not to express empathy and concern for you, but he accused you or getting lost and wanting anything from him (He told me that I live nearby so I should know where to go.) He didn’t like you asked for his help.

And then, even worse, he refused to wait for you, justifying it with being busy with his projects. Which if I understood well, he has been working on for years now, and nothing even panned out. So I guess one more Saturday afternoon wouldn’t make a difference. That was clearly just an excuse.

And he didn’t ask if you came home safely. Even if you’d had an argument and you said you didn’t want to meet him again, a caring person would still inquire if you arrived home safely, because it wasn’t a completely danger-free situation. But his pride was stronger, I guess, and he just didn’t care anymore.

This all shows his character, Dafne. He’s not a good, caring man, but a self-centered, quick-tempered, immature man, who isn’t able (or willing) to be there for you in challenging situations. He not only checked out, but blamed you for what happened. He expressed no empathy for you.

I suggest you don’t try to apologize or reach out to him, because he is the one who failed you. You didn’t fail him.

It can happen to anyone to make a mistake, such as getting lost on the motorway. But a decent person will have understanding and will try to help, rather than blaming you and turning their back on you. So no, Dafne, he’s not a good man.

The retreat was quite helpful, but I feel the old, fearful patterns are coming back and stealing the peace I felt over there…

I’m sorry that about that 🙁 Are those patterns related to returning to living with your mother? If I understood well, your mother was accompanying you to the meeting with this man (your ex-boyfriend) in a nearby city, right?

I must admit, I wasn’t happy to hear this, even though in this particular case, it was good that she was with you because she was supportive and didn’t panic when you two got lost. But she has been accompanying you to dates with men before, right? Even with this guy too.

I’ve found you talk about it in a post on February 6th this year. You and your mother met with him before, in a restaurant, and she was inquiring about his job and his projects. His answers were all vague, he didn’t want to give any details or deadlines. And then, when she probed a bit more and asked whether he could change careers, he got really upset, accused both of you of having no faith in him, and asked for a pause in the relationship until the project gets finalized.

Your mother was helpful in this particular situation too, because she wasn’t afraid to probe and ask him questions, and basically uncover that he might be a scammer, that his big plans and “projects” might all be just empty talk. So she was helpful in spotting potential cheaters and scammers.

However, her overall role in your life – where she is trying to control you and your life choices, and keeping you close to her via emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping – hasn’t been an overly positive one. You did want to get away from her and her influence.

And so I must admit it saddened me a little when you said that the old patterns of fear and insecurity are creeping in, and to realize that maybe this has to do with your mother still having a central role in your life, and you still relying on her to tell you whether a guy is good for you or not.

Please, dear Dafne, don’t take this as judgment of you. I have nothing but compassion for you. And I want you to thrive and be happy. That’s why I’m mentioning the “big picture” again: finding your True Self first, stepping into your True Self, before attempting to find a romantic partner.

Because if you respect yourself, you’ll attract guys who respect you. But if you have low self-esteem, you’ll be more easily manipulated by men who want to take advantage of you.

And here’s the thing: you don’t need your mother to protect you from manipulative men. What you need is to step into your True Self. Because when we’re in touch with our true self, we’ll have the wisdom to spot dishonest, manipulative men. We won’t fall for their BS.

Finding you true self – independent from your mother – is your ticket to finding good guys. You don’t need her, you need YOU. The real you.

I hope this makes sense, Dafne. I hope you can get more and more in touch with your inner voice, and that this retreat gave you a chance for that. Because you were allowed to just “be”, without the constant chatter, criticism and demands of your mother:

There was no comparison, no criticism, no gossip, no chaos, only simple human beings and Universe.

If you go to a similar retreat again, please use the supportive environment there to get in touch with your inner voice. Feel the love for yourself, hold yourself tenderly. Be gentle with yourself, like you would with a puppy who needs your love and care. Create an inner environment of love and acceptance for yourself. That’s how you can connect to your True Self.

I hope this wasn’t too overwhelming, Dafne. I hope you can get to a place of more confidence in yourself. You are a wonderful, talented woman, and you definitely deserve it!

Dear Tee and Anita,

Happy Sunday!

Thank you so much to both of you for such beautiful, considerate messages and thoughtful answers in such a short time 💕

I am still working on my reply to you, so I will be back by the end of the day. I think I will reply to both of you separately as it might be easier for you to read and have more clarity.

For now, I hug you both and wish you a wonderful day 🤗
Warm greetings
Dafne

Thank you dear Anita!
Talk to you very soon 🤗

Big hug
Dafne

Dear Tee,

I hope you’re having a peaceful day and that your health continues to improve. I’m so happy to know that you’re here with us. Thank you again for your presence and for sharing this journey with me.

Did you try any holistic methods to support your health while you were away? I’ve learned that there are retreats made for different health needs, and they can help with anxiety and other health challenges. Also for couples.

When we last talked, I was torn and had no idea what to do with myself and all those negative emotions. The pressure was enormous, and my health started to suffer even more. That was the time when the new man appeared in my life, and I became even more confused by his identity and what he does in life.

Things started to pile up, and I just felt like escaping somewhere immediately, despite the fear.

So, the retreat I’m referring to is rather more of an ascetic center. It reflects a different atmosphere – one of simplicity, discipline, and focus. It was rough and basic, but authentic at the same time. I want to move on to the next stage for a much longer time, but I’m not sure if I could do it without missing the connection, and also without feeling a sense of guilt.

To answer your question regarding the patterns, they appeared to be triggered by a few different factors. The anxiety hit me stronger when I came back. It might be a mixture of being in an emotionally unstable environment, living in the past, meeting that con artist again, and a dangerous next-door neighbor.

I believe that I didn’t mention that in my past post that for a long time we’ve had troubles with a mean, and as it recently turns out, a dangerous neighbor. It is a very bitter and hateful person towards animals and all people in general. Due to some law regulations in state laws, she can’t be evicted, despite being reported to the police before. This neighbour’s actions recently went beyond my belief – I still can’t wrap my head around it.

Recently, she threw a bucket of dangerous chemicals on us and our little dog as he did a little pipi on our balcony (not hers). Luckily, I was able to wash the poor thing off before it was too late. I was shaken for days and still am. She could easily harm me or others as she told us to go to the balcony on purpose. Unfortunately, many of my clothes, flowers, and other property were irreversibly damaged. It took us days to clean, wash, and get rid of the bad odor. She, of course, denied it all and blamed another neighbor. Can you believe that?

That neighbor lives alone and seems to exist only to stalk people, disturb them, criticize them, knock on their doors, and make them feel anxious. Other neighbors told me that they also feel like she takes pleasure in other people’s suffering, laughing when causing harm, and they are unable to defend themselves as they are afraid for their kids and family. Many have left already, and new neighbors come and go.

That incident triggered severe anxiety, we still can’t sleep normally, and constantly feeling unsafe. So yes, Tee, it added an unbearable tension at home too. The fear that she might harm us is always present, and the police can’t do much.

On top of that, I feel caught in my mother’s swings between occasional moments of kindness, good advice, and care, and then harsh judgment and criticism. It might come from the fear of getting older and her inability to change the place she lives in right now. Life was hard for her, too, and she did not really enjoy it.

My father, on the other hand, lived to the fullest and did not care about anyone but himself. He has not contacted me since last year. The last time we spoke was when I called him and he told me about his health problems and that it is ok for children not to have it easy in life. Even if legally he told me I am entitled to some of his place (shared with his ex-wife?? or still now wife? and her adult child) I am not interested and I can’t trust him either.

Regarding my mother, I am not entirely without blame, either, because whenever I hear her criticism, I find myself trying to protect myself by reminding her own bad choices. But most of the time, I’m trying to stay silent, just like during my retreat.

Then I reminded her that it was she who made the wrong choice for her life partner and also gave the piece of land to my abusive uncle, her brother. I can’t understand that till now. Maybe she wanted to forget that place, and her brother was manipulating her into signing the documents for his own gain? Maybe she was weak just like me right now? Anyways, those past hurts come up in our conversations, and it spoils the mood completely.

What I’ve noticed is that if I tell her that I need space and quiet, she keeps talking and telling me about her old age and that I’m going to be alone…and it is really scaring me. And when I shut down, she needs that connection, and I don’t, as I get very overwhelmed and my health issues worsen. How to break that pattern?

Also, seeing that man at the event gave me hope that something has changed, and it is a sign from Heaven that we met that day. I asked him why he had not contacted me sooner, and he said that it was because he felt that he could not give me what I deserved. His friends said that he is a good man and cares about me. But can’t give me what I want. This added to my confusion about him and made me feel sorry for him. Is it possible that all three friends are wrong about him? Or were they just in it together? I thought that he felt unsuccessful and less worthy, and just gave up on us. Maybe his pride did not let him be entirely honest? This was not a good excuse either. But all of this covered my judgment and made me give him another chance.

And yes, Tee, she has accompanied me before to make sure I’m safe. Those men were not known to us or our family, so I did not mind it. Also, in our culture, parents can assist till things get serious. Once there is trust, we do not need that anymore. But all those men seemed to be bad news.

I completely agree with you regarding that man, and I could not find the right word for him, but you did. Scammer is spot on! He was buying more of my time, pretending to be someone else.

I really appreciate that you were able to see both sides of the coin – the way you described the situation, noticing some positive aspects of my mom’s behavior, as well as some things that might be unusual, perhaps due to cultural differences and closer influence of a parent, and maybe controlling tendencies with a bit of selfish intentions. It could be both. I truly value how openly and thoughtfully you approached it.

Thank you for your compassion, Tee, and for seeing my experiences with that man from all different angles. I can now see clearly what kind of man he is. That inner voice told me to say the right thing at the right time. It was indeed the voice of my True Self. You’re right that finding my true self and cultivating it is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. I will select those who are. I will not open up too much to them and just say that I’m focusing right now on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment. What do you think, Tee? Would you say something else?

Your final, gentle words made me feel so warm inside and gave me a little bit more courage to try again.
Thank you for your guidance and help in navigating difficult situations. I am deeply grateful for your wisdom, patience, and care.

I hope to hear from you soon, Tee. Your thoughts are always welcome, and I truly value your perspective.

Have a beautiful afternoon,

With kindness, gratitude, and affection
Dafne

Dear Anita,
I look forward to reading your message, but please take your time.

Big hug back🤗
Dafne