Dear Anita,

Thank you for your quick reply – faster than a rocket! Much appreciated!

” You wrote today, Aug 20, 2025: “There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider. On Dec 29, 2024, the first time you shared about him, you wrote: “He told me that he was taken advantage of in his past and doesn’t want it to happen again. Now he expects reciprocation with everything he does.” He told you right from the beginning that he expects financial reciprocation “with everything he does.” That’s not him being “happy in the role of a traditional provider”

It was about women he knew before who wanted favors from him – not financial, but things like using his parking space for a year or asking him for constant help. When he asked them for something in return, even in small ways, they never reciprocated. Eventually, they lost contact because of that. He felt used. So he did not mind paying for dates with me as long as he felt appreciated. I always thanked him with a gift for his birthday or Christmas. And whenever he gave me a small gift on a date, I liked to return the gesture with a homemade cake or some other treat. I felt that was the least I could do to say thank you. I know that many modern women wouldn’t do that, believing that just being there should be enough for him. But I felt it wasn’t. Did what I’ve just described help clarify a few things for you, Anita?

” Continued, Dec 29: “I replied that… I don’t want a 50/50 style.’ Today, you shared: “He never asked me for money”- I’m guessing that he didn’t ask you for money because you told him last year that you don’t want a 50/50 style—and because both you and your mother expressed (valid) distrust in his financial and business talk due to his lack of transparency.”

Yes, indeed, that was later on. Before, we never spoke about it, and he at least acted as a provider. I mentioned 50/50 only because he gave me that example from my reply above about the reciprocity in relationships. Apparently, he did not want to be taken advantage of again. I’m also starting to think that maybe it did not have to do with finances, or at least not directly. Perhaps he didn’t want to be vulgar, but he was expecting a kind of physical intimacy that he did not get. In the beginning, he accepted that because he knew about my values. But maybe over time, he began to feel that this wasn’t enough for him. Could it be?

‘ You asked: “Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands?”- Yes, I think so. His lack of transparency itself is the big red flag. It’s not something you caused—it’s the way he is.’

Yes, Anita, the lack of transparency in answering questions (even after many weeks) was definitely a big red flag. And the turning it around by saying that my asking questions showed a lack of trust in him only made it worse.’

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors… he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not… I decided to never contact him again.”- A wise decision, Dafne.

I’m glad that, thanks to your help and further investigation, I could make that decision and let go of my doubts. Thank you.

“They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita?… Would you say something else?” If I were in your place, Dafne, I would say that I’m looking for a relationship of transparency and integrity—to say what we mean, to mean what we say, and to follow our words with actions that match. And when we make mistakes (occasionally, not as part of a pattern of deception)—to talk about it honestly and respectfully.’

That’s a very beautiful reply, Anita. I just hope that whoever I use it with will truly appreciate it – and, as you always say, turn it into action, not words 😊

” You asked today: “How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother? ” I was like you, Dafne. I grew up—or as I prefer to say, grew-in—with no way to express myself freely either. I too had to be quiet. Only I didn’t have a room to hide in. The conflicts with my mother, and her conflicts with others, dominated my space. I had no space of my own, except for daydreaming when she wasn’t home. As a result, I instinctively tried to disappear—erasing my own needs and feelings so thoroughly that I no longer knew what I needed, wanted, or felt. Or better said: I didn’t trust my feelings to reflect reality. And even worse, I felt guilty for hurting my mother—because she guilt-tripped me mercilessly and repeatedly.’
How did I break out of the prison cell of self-alienation—where I didn’t trust my feelings, didn’t know what I needed or wanted, and carried invalid guilt? By taking up space. By expressing myself. By holding my mother accountable for the wrongs she committed against me. By releasing the shame and guilt the child within me held. By freeing her.
And Dafne, you are already doing this. Every time you name what didn’t feel right, every time you question the story you were handed, every time you choose not to contact someone who showed you disregard—you are taking up space. You are protecting the child within you. You are not failing to cope; you are learning to live in a way that honors your truth. That is not a weakness. That is healing.’

That’s truly a great way to describe taking up space and having a voice – that’s exactly what we need right now.
They failed us Anita, they failed us big time. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it caused the same kind of pain and had lifelong consequences for us. They may be sorry now, or not. But it’s too late. Even if we forgive them, even if we forget, nothing will change, and nothing will ever fill that void inside us. Every time we see happy families, every time we rejoice for them, something deep down will never be made whole. A piece of us was taken, and no matter how much love we find, that missing piece will never return. It is an absence we carry, a silence that echoes through our lives, reminding us of what should have been, but never was.
Let’s find the strength to hold onto that and take up our space. Let’s not let our emotions take control anymore, failing us every time a new person comes to take another piece away.

Thank you for being here Anita xx
With warmth and gratitude
Dafne

Dear Anita,

I was confused by this as well, because it felt as if the appreciation wasn’t freely given, but somehow expected from me. And that left me torn — because true gratitude should come from the heart, not from pressure or obligation.

So, in the, I think he brought that up because he had expectations he couldn’t or wanted to express more clearly for reasons known only to him. My guess is that those expectations weren’t met — and perhaps what he was really hoping for was physical intimacy or some other form of reciprocity. Maybe he realised that he could get the financial benefits after moving in, so he was careful not to mention it and scare me away. We will never know for sure.

So, once I made it clear again that I wouldn’t move in with him before an engagement, a wedding date, and marriage, he showed real disappointment.

He wanted the easy way out. Probably someone to cook for him (he doesn’t know how), keep the house in order, and make things comfortable. Perhaps what he was really looking for was convenience, a live-in relationship and not too much commitment in the beginning.

The only sure thing we know is that he could find stable work if he really wanted, a better future for both of us. That he could be more transparent and not string me along for months. He could have, but instead he chose the road of deception, and this story came to an end.

Please let me know if there is anything you wish to add or ask me. And do you agree with some of my reflections above?

Thank you Anita for appreciating me, hearing out my story and letting me be.

Thank you for everything you’ve done. I hope by sharing and emphatising with eachother we will find the peace and harmony we crave for 💕

Big hug for all your time and care 🤗

Dear Anita,

Yes, you’re absolutely right—it has been far too too much emotional labor. I feel like endlessly working in a field, giving all my energy, yet never harvesting peace.

And I know you’re perfectly right about it. My hope is that when someone truly comes into my life, I will have the clarity to recognize it, to know what to do, and to walk that path with confidence.

And this time, it will be someone clear and transparent—someone honest from the very beginning—so that I don’t have to keep guessing, questioning, or analyzing every little thing. Just openness, truth, and peace from the start.

I am truly, deeply grateful for all the help you’ve given me, and I want you to know that I will carry your teachings with me. I will do my best to break away from old patterns and instead create a new, brighter, and better future.

And even though I don’t feel strong enough right now, I hope that I will one day find the strength I need. I pray for that strength, and I pray that better days are waiting ahead—for both of us.

Sending you lots of love and light for the days ahead 💛 💖 🤗

Please take care my dear xx
With warmth
Dafne

Dear Dafne,

I’m in the middle of traveling right now and don’t have time to reply, but I’d just mention one thing:

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is, you know, inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

How does one combine fearing for one’s health and trying to work as little as possible, with having a baby, which in itself is very demanding and needs a lot of resources? This in itself is a huge contradiction!

Not to mention that he talks about having a baby very casually: “we’ll just move in together and maybe have a baby.” But who will take care of that baby? Who will ensure that the baby has everything it needs? And what about the baby’s mother – why doesn’t he want to marry her?

It’s almost as if he’s talking about having a baby as a means to an end. Perhaps to trap you? I don’t know, not quite sure about that, but things are definitely upside down in his head. Very worrying.

I’m glad you’ve decided to call it quits.

Dear Dafne, I’ll write more when I get the chance, but that might be only in a few days.

Till then, take care! <3

Dear Tee,

It really is a big contradiction, and I hadn’t noticed it before — thank you for pointing that out.

I think what he meant is that if again any of the projects turn out to be successful, things will become easier. But if not, then we’d have to live as modestly as he is able to provide now.

You are very right, Tee. He talks about casual visualizations of the future as a family, but without concrete steps, resources, or any consideration for the time we need to care for the baby. He already mentioned that he has resources — but only for himself and even that at a minimum. And what about us?

And what about the other responsibilities of having a baby, aside from the financial ones?

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

Yes, Tee, it’s quite possible that tying a woman with a baby seems like a much easier strategy to him than actually marrying her first. Maybe the other woman realised something really wrong and run away.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Tee, I hope you have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing from you in a few days. Take your time, get some good rest, and enjoy yourself.

Take care!