* correction in this sentence:

However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restraint before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as child bearers and home makers.

Dear Tee,

‘ You’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.’

Yes, much more clarity! 😊 Your thoughts make me reconsider some of my ideas, offering a different perspective and showing me ways to improve without complicating things.

‘ It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.’

Yes, I remember our conversation back then – I was indeed focused on how to go about it to be cherished and not viewed as a sex object. Your last message helped me to understand that even more. Starting with friendship doesn’t need strict rules. As long as we don’t cross certain limits, I can still honor my values while maintaining realistic expectations of this person – especially in a world where this kind of friendship between men and women isn’t always possible.

‘ I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.
However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.
‘ So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well? ’
‘ Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner. ‘

Thank you for that warning. I really value your insight on that. I’ve reflected a lot on your very thoughtful answer and your explanation. I realized that I haven’t really considered the other side of the coin, now I see how it could be – as you expressed it perfectly – a double–edged sword (helpful but potentially risky).

I suspect it is because some traditional man (or even moderately traditional) tend to pick the aspects that are convenient for them, shaping rules and expectations in ways that suit their own preferences rather than those of the couple. And the real problem is when they do not communicate that before marriage, and surprise a woman and trap her later on. They are directed by greed, selfishness, and superiority. Those are to be avoided.

So after carefully considering what you’ve said, I’m beginning to conclude that the ideal person would be someone who values certain traditional principles, like sexual abstinence before marriage, yet still supports a woman in working or pursuing her own career. They might prefer traditional gender roles in the household, being the provider and protector, but remain flexible when it comes to her decision of having/or not having kids (even open to adopting) or supporting her hobbies.

It’s like a nice blend of East & West – a balance that combines the best of both worlds. Do you agree with that? Would that be more realistic in my case, Tee?

It’s especially important to find this kind of person, as at this stage of my life, I am starting to consider the option of not having the kids or maybe adopting. This decision might be safer health-wise and more reasonable at my age. I would like to be married and become his family, but he needs to be more open-minded in that respect.

‘ Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.’

You are very right in your conclusions Tee. This is a very conservative, extreme example of being traditional, and I don’t think I could be truly happy with someone like that at this moment in my life. On the other hand, there’s the opposite extreme – being very liberal – which today also brings many challenges and problems for women.

Above all, the most important thing is someone’s good character, whether he is liberal or traditional. But also, it is important to avoid men who actually want you to be it all. They want you to be traditionally faithful, take care of the home, and also work (with kids in the picture or not), be friends, lover, everything. So their expectations are too big. Those men’s expectations are overwhelming. And the reason they keep expecting this is because many women are willing to play that role, even if it makes them unhappy.

As a result, men approach each new woman they meet with demands that are already too high. That’s why so many women nowadays are fed up and tired. And their emotional and physical health is affected negatively. Tee, have you noticed that dynamic nowadays?

‘ Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed So it was kind of cool.
But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.’

Thank you for talking about that so honestly and openly. Long distance is a real challenge, and it takes longer to get to know the real person. And yes, you’ve been very patient with him 😊

For me, it’s better to see a person in all seasons, through different moments, and definitely in real life, so I can decide faster. A year would be a good timeframe – yes, I understand and agree with that.

‘ It’s okay if the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.’

Yes, that could be a problem, and she might start feeling neglected by her own husband. There are many cases where women even feel jealous of their own children, because he constantly puts them first most of the time. Or the opposite happens, and he starts being jealous and feeling unhappy in that marriage.

‘ Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.’

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.

So true! The inner and outer critic are at play, and that’s what makes it even harder for me. Thank you for the practical tips on how to manage them emotionally for the time being.

Tee, what’s your opinion on living together after engagement? Personally, I feel it would be a risky situation. At the same time, I know many people say it’s the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage. Do you agree with that?

I also wonder – are there ways, without living together, to truly know that there will be no bad surprises; that this is the person I want to marry, in both the good and bad? And somehow to test it in stressful situations, and to see his real self?

Some people travel together, but then there is the question of the sleeping arrangements in a hotel. And I also remember the story of a woman who warned women to never travel with someone unless engaged or married. She got sick on a trip, and her boyfriend did not even care because there was not enough commitment, and when things got tough, he was not there for her.

And based on your own relationship and household responsibilities, Tee, how would you divide these tasks between partners, and what would you consider acceptable or unacceptable? I see it as a mixture – where he takes on the physically demanding responsibilities, while she focuses on others.

I’m sorry for asking so many questions, but it’s really nice to explore and reflect on those things together. I hope I’m not overwhelming you…

Thank you again for supporting me and helping me grow through every step of this journey 🤗

Dear Dafne,

Tee, what’s your opinion on living together after engagement? Personally, I feel it would be a risky situation. At the same time, I know many people say it’s the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage. Do you agree with that?

In what way do you think it would be risky?

Dear Dafne, I want to reflect on something you said on August 20:

I would agree with most of what you’ve said, Tee. As for numbers 3 and 4, it could be true to some extent, but at the same time, I was afraid that it might be another trap. That, as Anita said, I could get caught in a spider web of another spider and all that legally, without an easy way out once he drops his mask. So yes, I wanted to escape, but he was too nice, too agreeable to be good to be true. I did not see him getting worried or upset for many months of meetings. So it did not feel real. I thought that it was due to my early trauma that I was afraid of safety, and when men get too nice, too predictable, it doesn’t feel normal or familiar. I’m talking about his behavior before his mask started to slip.

This is a very important realization: that you’re afraid of being tricked and betrayed, even if the man behaves well with you. I’m not saying this last guy was a good man, and that you were unnecessarily suspicious with him. Not at all. However, I remember you were very suspicious with another man, I believe he was a widower (or divorced?), who had a son, and you felt uncomfortable him talking about his son, if I remember well.

We’ve discussed this back then, and my impression was that you felt neglected when he was talking about his son, and that it was due to your own abandonment trauma. Him expressing normal care for his son felt somewhat threatening to you. Because of your inner child wound, i.e. how your father treated you (abandoned you, neglected you, was very selfish).

I believe that the same wound is still active in you, and therefore you’re suspicious of men in general, believing they’re going to trick you and take advantage of you. And I think this is the reason why you would be suspicious even with the man you get engaged to – it seems you would still believe he might trick you and take advantage of you sexually, and then abandon you.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to push any false ideas on you. But it seems to me that if you don’t trust someone you got engaged to, you would probably have a hard time trusting that same man later during marriage as well. It’s a deeper trust issue, which stems from childhood trauma. And if this issue is not healed, you might feel suspicious even if the guy is honest and has good intentions.

Please note: I’m not saying you should be naive and trust the man blindly, and get engaged sexually before you’re ready, or anything like that. I’m just saying that I feel there’s a deeper issue that needs to be healed, because it might in fact sabotage a potentially good relationship, with a trustworthy man.

Because we cannot have a healthy relationship with someone we don’t trust. Trust is earned of course – we shouldn’t just trust blindly. But if there’s a childhood wound involved, we’ll be suspicious even with good people, who actually do deserve our trust.

So I’d encourage you, dear Dafne, to look into these things, because our inner child (i.e. our subconscious fears) are a powerful driving force, which can mess up with our ability to choose people who are actually good for us. We might be either to naive or too suspicious, and neither is healthy.

Please don’t take this as judgment. It’s just that I see certain issues popping up, and I always like to go to the core of the problem. And the core is almost always in our childhood – in our wounded inner child.

Dear Tee,

‘ In what way do you think it would be risky?’

Moving in with someone can sometimes make it harder to maintain clear boundaries, especially physical ones. I might be at risk that the other person pushes the limits I’m not comfortable with – or I might feel pressured – it could create stress, tension, or even harm the relationship.

Moving in together (even with the best of intentions and marriage as an end goal) doesn’t guarantee it will lead to marriage and might be a waste of time. It is like putting the horse before the carriage.

Also, it creates investments -emotional, financial, practical – but without a guaranteed commitment, he can decide to leave any time. This can lead to emotional stress.

This arrangement is less secure, and I could find myself in a vulnerable situation. Do you agree with me, Tee?
I will definitely pay more attention to my fearful reactions that stem from my past experiences and try to apply the logic as well.

‘ This is a very important realization: that you’re afraid of being tricked and betrayed, even if the man behaves well with you. I’m not saying this last guy was a good man, and that you were unnecessarily suspicious with him. Not at all. However, I remember you were very suspicious with another man, I believe he was a widower (or divorced?), who had a son, and you felt uncomfortable him talking about his son, if I remember well.’

Yes, he was divorced 3 times, but he did not have any children. It was his ex’s son. Sometimes there is no clean break-up between couples (even after divorce). So it worried me that the son could be just an excuse to stay in contact with his ex. I think it is a valid reason, as many couples regret breaking up, and whether they never fully emotionally end it (some broken hearts never mend) or remarry with each other (which is rarer but happens). I agree with you that, also, deep down, something got triggered as my own father was emotionally absent. I don’t really think I can heal that void. That emptiness might always stay with me Tee. I know that because there is no replacement for a father’s love.

I also had a suspicion that he might have been a bit put off by me saying the truth regarding my previous relationship. He asked about my love life before, and I told him that I had been engaged and that my fiancé had suffered severe war trauma and did not recover from it. I lost him. That might have scared him off, Tee, did’ it? I ask you that because after that, he wanted to know if I’m ready to be with someone. And one of my friends back then told me that I was too honest, too soon.

Now this man is with another woman. I felt that he was not fully transparent with me, and that he possibly had a connection with her when we met. He told me that he met her only 2 weeks after knowing me and that it was his sister (living abroad) who set them up. And he left the country for her so fast without even telling me. So, he should have at least written me something. Don’t you think, Tee? Would you see it differently?

‘ Please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to push any false ideas on you. But it seems to me that if you don’t trust someone you got engaged to, you would probably have a hard time trusting that same man later during marriage as well. It’s a deeper trust issue, which stems from childhood trauma. And if this issue is not healed, you might feel suspicious even if the guy is honest and has good intentions. ‘

There is some level of trust in me, but I still keep my guard up. As the elders always said, marriage -only marriage – opens the eyes, and love is blind. So until then, you have to keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, you are bound legally and in any other way, so better to make sure he is the person he says he is. I mostly only become suspicious because they gave me reasons to be. But you’re right, the old wounds may be at play here, too. Maybe trying to find the balance is the key, and like you rightly said, avoid those 2 extremes in order not to overlook the good person.

Your concerns are valid Tee, but how can we know if it is the fear of the inner child or the valid fear to protect us?

I feel that my lack of trust in the last man saved my heart from a really bad heartbreak. I felt something was wrong, and you and Anita, both with amazing insights, confirmed and revealed his true intentions. He was not able to communicate honestly about his needs (as he knew our views and expectations were not compatible), and life to avoid scaring me away early on.

I think that the last man was love bombing me and avoiding important topics. And that after many weeks of dating, he should be clearer about his life and needs. I was almost convinced that he was genuinely a good man. But after the incident on the motorway and a few other red flags (like shutting down easily, getting upset when challenged) etc., showed me otherwise. Maybe I overlooked other red flags?

How could I avoid all of this wasted time with him sooner? And at what point in that relationship did you know that he was not good, and you would stop and move on?

‘ So I’d encourage you, dear Dafne, to look into these things, because our inner child (i.e. our subconscious fears) is a powerful driving force, which can mess up with our ability to choose people who are actually good for us. We might be either to naive or too suspicious, and neither is healthy. ‘

Yes, yes, I see the difference now and how tricky it can get. I will definitely focus on that more. I struggle with recognising it early on and keep giving chances. How can we choose wisely from the beginning and not be based on the wrong fear Tee?

‘ Please don’t take this as judgment. It’s just that I see certain issues popping up, and I always like to go to the core of the problem. And the core is almost always in our childhood – in our wounded inner child.’

Don’t worry Tee. I know that you mean well, and I appreciate that you take your time to get to the core of the problem and recognize the patterns.
Looking forward to more of your insights, and please ask me if needed 😊

Warm regards and a big hug xx

Dear Dafne:

Just wanted to reach out to you this Thurs night- here (just past 10 pm). Wanted to let you know that I know that it’s not that you are Problem, and here, someone has Solution.

We’re all struggling in different ways. You and I, Dafne, we both are equals in our quest for clarify and understanding.. and solutions. I am with you, Dafne, am on your side in this crazy, crazy world.

I hope this is not too much.

Anita

Dear Dafne 🤍

Thank you for receiving my message with such openness and grace—it means a lot to feel that kind of resonance.

I agree so deeply: our stories are many-layered, and none of them need to be the whole truth. Just pieces we carry, sometimes heavy, sometimes light. And when someone like you reflects back kindness and understanding, it makes the weight feel a little more bearable.

I’m really glad we’re walking part of this journey in parallel. You remind me that connection doesn’t need to be perfect—it just needs to be real.

With warmth, Anita 🌿💖

Thank you, Dafne! Got to run- won’t be by the computer for the rest of the day. Will get back to you tomorrow. 💖

Anita

Dear Dafne,

I’m still traveling and not frequently at the computer. I’ll write more in a few days. But I’m glad you understand my intentions and don’t take offense at me trying to look at possible deeper issues <3

But I’m also aware that things are not that simple and there are no easy solutions. But you’re getting more and more clarity, and starting to love yourself more and more, which is key in the whole process!

Dear Dafne, I’ve got to rush now, but hope to talk to you soon!

Lots of love! <3