Dear Dafne:

Thank you for seeing not just the words, but the heart behind them. It means so much to feel received with such kindness and openness.

You’re right—sometimes even with those closest to us, there can be a quiet ache of loneliness. That’s why exchanges like ours feel so meaningful. They remind me that connection can be found in unexpected places, and that compassion doesn’t need physical proximity to be felt.

Your words especially moved me: “What you offered wasn’t just an answer, it was a moment of connection.”- Answers are plentiful in spaces like these, but connection—that’s something different. It’s rarer, more precious than any clinical understanding of things, no matter how accurate (or not) that understanding may be.

We are not puzzles to be solved intellectually. We’re living, breathing beings who need—sometimes desperately—empathy. An emotional hug, if not a physical one.

That reminds me of something I wanted to share with you this morning, just before getting out of bed. Only recently—perhaps a couple of weeks ago—I had an image of myself as a young girl, somewhere in the first decade of life. I saw her scared. And for the first time, I felt something new: empathy for her. I was struck by how unfamiliar that feeling was.

All this time, I had been dissociated from her—split off. I think I kept telling her story here, again and again, because I was trying to connect with her. Trying to believe that what I was sharing had truly happened.

The dissociation ran deep and began so early. I suppose it was an instinctive response to acute emotional pain and fear—a way of saying, this isn’t really happening… I’m not really here.

I’m grateful for your presence, Dafne, and for the way you hold space with such grace. Thank you for meeting me in this place with warmth and humanity.

With appreciation and tenderness, Anita 💖💫

Dear Anita,

What a tender coincidence that this moment with your younger self happened just as we reconnected.

It makes me wonder if something shifted in you too, if our meeting again opened a space for both of us to feel and see things differently.

Sometimes connection has a way of quietly changing us, even before we realize it.

Reading your message moved me deeply. The way you put words to your experience carries such honesty and tenderness.

What you shared about seeing your younger self and for the first time, feeling empathy for her touched me profoundly. That moment of recognition, after such a long time of holding her at a distance, is powerful & so full of courage.

Anita your presence here, your willingness to speak openly and from the heart, is something precious. It means more than I can say to share this connection with you.

I can feel the depth of what you’ve carried, and the strength it took to begin meeting those hidden parts of yourself with compassion.

I feel like it is important to get in touch with that inner child and then let her go and find the peace she deserves. I’m still struggling with that too…

Thank you for trusting me with such a tender part of your story, and for reminding me how meaningful true human connection can be.

You are seen, you are heard, and you are valued my dear Anita.

A big emotional hug for you 🤗 and lots of love💓

Dear Dafne,

I just wanted to add something, regarding the last guy you were dating:

I feel that my lack of trust in the last man saved my heart from a really bad heartbreak. I felt something was wrong, and you and Anita, both with amazing insights, confirmed and revealed his true intentions. He was not able to communicate honestly about his needs (as he knew our views and expectations were not compatible), and life to avoid scaring me away early on.

I think that the last man was love bombing me and avoiding important topics. And that after many weeks of dating, he should be clearer about his life and needs. I was almost convinced that he was genuinely a good man. But after the incident on the motorway and a few other red flags (like shutting down easily, getting upset when challenged) etc., showed me otherwise. Maybe I overlooked other red flags?

One thing I forgot to mention in my last post regarding this guy is that besides not being transparent about his business deals and abandoning you in time of need (the motorway incident), I think he was also telling you what you wanted to hear: he was casually throwing around the idea of moving in and having a baby, without 1) asking you to marry him, 2) having any real plan on how to support a baby.

What is more, he allegedly was ill and even had a cancer scare, and yet, he approached the topic of starting a family very nonchalantly.

So it occurred to me that another red flag in a relationship might be when the person is telling you what you want to hear, or promising things, but making no real attempts to make it happen. When it’s all just empty words, without any backing in reality.

I think that the last man was love bombing me and avoiding important topics.

Yes, telling you what you want to hear might actually be a form of love bombing. And he avoided important topics – avoided talking about his business deals, about how he would support a family, and yet throwing nonchalantly the idea of having a baby with you. So this would indicate that he either doesn’t understand what having a baby entails (which I doubt), or that he isn’t sincere about wanting it.

Anyway, the discrepancy between the person’s words and actions would be a red flag. Throwing around big promises, without any attempts or vision of how to bring it about.

How could I avoid all of this wasted time with him sooner? And at what point in that relationship did you know that he was not good, and you would stop and move on?

Hm, now looking back, I guess throwing around the idea of having a baby without getting married would be a red flag for me. And this whole push-and-pull game of asking you to choose a restaurant and then telling you he can’t take you there, or showing you houses but telling you he can’t afford them – is rather manipulative too.

But it’s hard to judge now, after the fact. I guess more of his behaviors combined is what really gave away that something is fishy about him. And you’ve felt it too, even before the motorway incident. So you did well, Dafne – you didn’t trust him blindly, you were rightfully cautious, and as you say, it saved you from a bigger heartbreak.

How can we choose wisely from the beginning and not be based on the wrong fear Tee?

Hmm, that’s a very good question. I’ll have to think about it. For now, I’m posting this, and I’ll be pondering your question.

Dear Anita,

It means a lot that you felt that shift and were able to connect with your younger self in that way. I completely understand what you mean – sometimes the awareness and empathy come in moments we don’t expect, and it can feel really powerful when it happens.

I’m so glad you felt seen and supported, and I want you to know that I feel the connection with you too. These things do take time, and it’s beautiful to witness you giving yourself that care and attention.

You’re doing such meaningful work with yourself, and it’s inspiring to hear 🤗
Anita, thank you for trusting me enough to share this 🌱

It is wonderful that this forum is becoming a place of little miracles…
Anita, I hug you tenderly and please don’t stop the amazing work with yourself and for others 💓

Dear Dafne:

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to feel seen and supported like that. Connecting with my younger self was a big moment for me, and I’m glad you understood what I meant.

Just now, after sitting with your post for a bit, I had a clear image in my mind—of giving little girl Anita a hug. 🤗

I feel the connection with you too, and I’m grateful for it. Your message helped me feel more grounded and reminded me that this space can hold real care.

I’m holding your hug close. Thank you for being here with such warmth.

With love, Anita

Dear Dafne,

But what I want to avoid is living together too soon or being with someone every minute of the day. When that happens, it doesn’t feel right or natural – it’s almost as if we’re already married, before we’ve even had the chance to exchange those vows that make it real and special. For me, that takes away from what should feel new, special, and exciting between us.

Sure, you don’t need to move in with someone immediately, I don’t think that’s even advisable. I was in a LDR with my now husband, and we only met once per month or so. But we communicated via email regularly (there were no smart phones in those times 🙂 ). And we went on trips together.

You can get to know the person quite well over a period of time, even if you don’t live together. But it’s still important to meet them in real-life situations, not only online (which you did, both with this last guy and previously).

As for maintaining premarital purity, I guess you really need to look for someone who is on the same page with you, i.e. who will not try to lure you into living together too soon. They have to be on board with no sex before marriage, but also in being patient and willing to wait – because they value premarital purity, the same as you do.

So look for someone who values premarital purity, not only agrees to do it for you, reluctantly.

I’m sure there are many other situations too – everyday challenges, problem-solving together, or simply observing how we support each other in different circumstances – that can show just as much about compatibility as living under the same roof. Would you add any other possibilities, Tee?

Sure, even going to a restaurant can reveal a lot, or going on a trip together, or doing some activities (hobbies) that you both like, or perhaps going to a family function together. There are many opportunities to see the person “in action” and decide whether you like their character.

Yes, Tee, he fits the profile of a high-conflict or problematic partner. To add to what you’ve already notices for example, he often criticizes others in ways that feel unnecessary or mean-spirited.

One example is how he spoke about his best girlfriend’s boyfriend — someone she’s known for more than five years. He criticized him harshly; it seemed clear that this other person doesn’t like him and they have no contact. He was mocking his job, even though he actually has a stable job and is competent. It was uncomfortable to hear, and it made me realize that he tends to demean or belittle others to feel better about himself.

Yeah, mocking and talking badly about someone just for fun is not a good feature. And you’re right, he might have been jealous of the guy because he had a stable job, whereas he himself had a part-time job and no real career success (so far). And so he might have felt the need to mock the other guy to feel better about himself.

At first, he seemed to create the fairy tale I wanted. By slowly revealing myself, he became the ideal person for me. In the beginning, I thought this was a good thing – he was eager to please and be agreeable, which seemed like a beautiful quality, right?

Well, it can be a tricky thing, because if you want the person to be different, to become “someone else” – because the way he currently is isn’t good enough for you – that might be a problem. Because we have to accept people as they are – I mean, their major character features – and not want to change them.

I’m not talking about some small details and annoying habits they may have – which are not key features of their character. But let’s say you want to turn a shy guy into an extrovert, that’s going to cause trouble and tension. Because we’ll have unrealistic expectations on them, and they’ll feel under pressure to accomplish things, to fulfill our expectations, to become something they’re not. If you know what I mean?

He was trying to be who I wanted him to be, and in itself, that might not have been a bad thing. He seemed okay with being that “new person” for me.

What kind of person did you want him to be, which he wasn’t being when you two met?

The problem, though, was that over time, his actions didn’t fully match what he was trying to show. It felt like he was more focused on gaining my time or approval, rather than genuinely changing.

What kind of change was he promising? Was it related to his character (that he would become a different kind of person), or rather to his career and the success of his projects and suchlike?

We did establish that he was quite manipulative and vague in telling you about his business deals. The question is whether he did it because he was hiding his true intentions and possibly wanted to take advantage of you, or he felt under pressure to “perform”, so to speak, to please you, to meet your expectations, and so he was lying/hiding the facts because he didn’t want to seem like a loser, for example?

I don’t know, so far I got the impression that he was rather manipulative, and the motorway incident showed that he didn’t really have empathy for you and that you couldn’t count on him in times of need.

But I’m curious what change was he promising, that never came to be?

Regarding the question about the wrong fear, I’m still thinking about it. I think the most important is to know what a healthy love and a healthy relationship looks like. To recognize abusive and manipulative behaviors. To know that we deserve certain things (love, respect) and not settle for people who don’t give us that. We need to know what the red flags are in a relationship, and if there are no red flags, we can proceed with more trust.

But I guess we also need to heal those things (emotional wounds) that made us lose faith in people who were supposed to love us. In people closest to us. We need to regain healthy trust in people. But for that, healing needs to happen. It takes time.

Okay, dear Dafne, I’m signing off for now. Take care and lots of love! <3

Dear Tee,

Great to hear back from you!

‘ As for maintaining premarital purity, I guess you really need to look for someone who is on the same page with you, i.e. who will not try to lure you into living together too soon. They have to be on board with no sex before marriage, but also in being patient and willing to wait, because they value premarital purity, the same as you do. ‘
So look for someone who values premarital purity, not only agrees to do it for you, reluctantly.

Yes, being on the same page is crucial. I also understand that at this stage in life, when a man is older, he may not have prioritized this in the past. He may value it, but may not have practiced it before. If he truly respects and is willing to wait for me, I believe this kind of candidate is acceptable.

Regardless of whether he is religious or not, he should at least have those spiritual values and a genuine appreciation for them.

I wonder if our hearts can truly tell the difference between someone who is just playing along and someone who is genuinely serious?

Additionally, many men don’t see the point in marrying if there is no solid intention of having children.

‘ Well, it can be a tricky thing, because if you want the person to be different, to become “someone else” – because the way he currently is isn’t good enough for you – that might be a problem. Because we have to accept people as they are – I mean, their major character features – and not want to change them. ‘
I’m not talking about some small details and annoying habits they may have – which are not key features of their character. But let’s say you want to turn a shy guy into an extrovert, that’s going to cause trouble and tension. Because we’ll have unrealistic expectations on them, and they’ll feel under pressure to accomplish things, to fulfill our expectations, to become something they’re not. If you know what I mean? What kind of person did you want him to be, which he wasn’t being when you two met? ‘

I know exactly what you mean Tee, and I agree that we shouldn’t try to change someone, because in the end it won’t lead to a happy relationship. I believe that we really can’t change anyone unless the genuinely want to change (religion, bad habits, lifestyle etc).
In my case, what I realized is that he discovered what I like and value, and he tried to mirror that. For example, he noticed that spiritual life is important to me, so he started wearing spiritual accessories, going to places of worship, praying, sending me pictures from those places – so that was one thing. And I did not ask him to do any of that. He wanted to either make me happy or used it as a control tool.

The other thing was that I wanted him to be more successful, and that was the area of change that I encouraged. If he really wanted to create the life he had told me about, then that was essentially the only option – unless I was willing to accept him at almost the bare minimum.

‘ What kind of change was he promising? Was it related to his character (that he would become a different kind of person), or rather to his career and the success of his projects and suchlike? ‘

For example, he said he would work toward the goal of us being together, getting a bigger place, or possibly renovating the old one. But on the other hand, he always said that there wasn’t enough, that he couldn’t do more at the moment, and that we needed to wait for his project. He could not or would not take on any other tangible work projects. He was promising to improve his professional situation and living conditions, but in reality, nothing changed.

Regarding his character, I never demanded any changes. However, I didn’t like that when I asked questions, I rarely received a direct answer. Most of the time, it felt like avoiding difficult topics and being straightforward. I brushed it off as maybe being afraid that I would change my mind about him? Or just not wanting to be negative? I honestly don’t know.

‘ The question is whether he did it because he was hiding his true intentions and possibly wanted to take advantage of you, or he felt under pressure to “perform”, so to speak, to please you, to meet your expectations, and so he was lying/hiding the facts because he didn’t want to seem like a loser, for example?

Maybe a combination of both? Or maybe just wanted to find a woman to sleep with him and have a mate. It was difficult to see through. But as you said rightly, the last incident was a true reveal. In that moment, regardless of what he felt or what had been said or done before, he should have acted like a human being.

‘ Regarding the question about the wrong fear, I’m still thinking about it. I think the most important is to know what a healthy love and a healthy relationship looks like. To recognize abusive and manipulative behaviors. To know that we deserve certain things (love, respect) and not settle for people who don’t give us that. We need to know what the red flags are in a relationship, and if there are no red flags, we can proceed with more trust.
But I guess we also need to heal those things (emotional wounds) that made us lose faith in people who were supposed to love us. In people closest to us. We need to regain healthy trust in people. But for that, healing needs to happen. It takes time ‘

Yes, sometimes it feels like a circle that never ends. Especially nowadays, even when you can trust someone, you still need to be careful. You can’t trust fully, but you can’t not trust at all. Or maybe just wait till you have reasons to trust and not trust blindly. But then there is always someone who will break that trust, and you need to start the process of healing all over again.

Thank you again Tee, for listening, your kind guidance & getting to the core.

Talk to you soon I hope. Take care too, and lots of love dear 🤗 💓