Dear Dafne,

sorry for the delay… there have been things that I needed to tend to, and wasn’t able to get to you sooner ❤️

How have you been doing, Dafne?

I’d like to explore something you’ve said, which I think is a very important realization:

I also understand that at this stage in life, when a man is older, he may not have prioritized this in the past. He may value it, but may not have practiced it before.

Additionally, many men don’t see the point in marrying if there is no solid intention of having children.

That’s true… you did say, Dafne, that you’re not sure about having children anymore (can’t find where you said it, but I remember you did). And the men you’re interested in (and who are interested in you) are probably closer to middle-aged, who might have been widowed or divorced, i.e. were in a relationship or even multiple relationships before.

If you combine those two conditions together: no desire (or weak desire) for children on your part, and the likely candidate is a middle-aged man with one or more significant previous relationships, possibly with children or stepchildren – I’m afraid there is a lower probability that such a guy would be interested in marriage, i.e. it wouldn’t be his priority.

I guess neither marriage nor having children would be their first priority. They wouldn’t be looking to “build a nest” with you and everything that goes with it. But rather, they would be interested in having a companion, a life partner, i.e. someone to share their life with.

In such a constellation, your priorities (marriage and premarital purity) may be in contradiction with the guy’s priority: having a life companion (which may or may not include getting married. But if it does, it usually involves living together for a period of time before getting married).

So it occurred to me, Dafne, after you made this very astute observation (about the profile of your likely candidate), that perhaps your main goal and his main goal might be very different? And this may make it difficult to actually find a partner, even if there are honest guys out there, who would make a good partner otherwise (just for the record, your ex wasn’t a honest guy, so it’s good that you called it quits).

You know what I mean? That in this constellation, it might be very difficult to find a guy who is willing to accommodate your wish for premarital purity.

Sorry for playing the devil’s advocate here, but I just felt the need to mention this, because it might be a real problem in practice.

There might be other issues too, e.g. that available men may have financial obligations to their children (and even to their ex-wives, such was the case with one of your boyfriends, if I remember well?). And so they might not be able to be the main financial provider in the relationship (something you said you expect from the man), because they may have other obligations and past arrangements to cater to.

In other words, even if they’re an honest man and don’t want to take advantage of you, they may not be able to meet some of the requirements that are very important to you.

Anyway, Dafne, this is what I’m thinking about, and it seems kind of complicated. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings on this? I don’t want this to be a downer, but still, I felt I had to mention it…

Sending you love, dear Dafne. Take care! ❤️

Dear Tee,

I’m sorry for my late reply as well. My connection was lost again, and I had no other choice but to wait and hope.

That is a thoughtful and delicate situation, and I thank you for raising some valid concerns.

I understand what you’re saying, and I know many men at this stage may not be interested in marriage again. But I prefer to stay hopeful and focus on those who truly value commitment and marriage — because such men do exist, and I would be even more unhappy to just accept someone with different goals and values.

I also feel that if I focus on men who are only looking for free-spirited or easy relationships, I would feel empty. It would feel like skipping an important stage in life — being a wife — especially since they have already experienced that with someone else.

Just to add Tee, the previous man I mentioned was dating and, as far as I know, didn’t have any financial obligations toward his ex wife’s son, but he did want to keep in touch with him, so there were more emotional obligations.

I’m curious though, how do you see a good way forward in this situation? What do you think would be the best approach?

Do you think I should soften my approach a little, or just focus on a specific kind of person — someone who truly wants marriage, not just companionship or a flexible life partner?

I’d love to hear what you think would be the best way forward.

Looking forward to your thoughts.

Take care Tee ❤️

Dear Dafne:

“I’m starting to think that I was too naive thinking that it will be easy or will happen at this age. What shall I change in order for this to be possible?”-

I’d say: first, become very clear about your objectives, that is: what is it that you need, want & expect in a relationship.

This way, you can be in the center of your story, you make the rules in regard to your life.

I hope I’m making sense (Am I, Dafne? I spent more than 4 hours straight in front of the computer.. tired 😩)

Not too tired to send you a virtual 🤗.

🌿 Anita

Thank you, Dafne! I want to reply to you with a fresh, rested brain tomorrow morning.

🤗💖 Anita

Dear Anita,

I’m glad you’re better 🤗 I know that feeling too well and it’s not fun.

I alsi feel like I’m just enduring each day, trying to get by.

Thank you for exploring for me different options and places to find that special soul.

You still believe it is possible to find what I’m looking for despite all those setbacks and failed connections with men.

I will explore those podcasts and concepts much closer in the coming days. I’ll get back to you with my thoughts.

Meanwhile please try to relax a bit more 🙏 I know it takes a lot of mental efforts to craft a message and I appreciate you being here with me Anita 💖

Lots of warmth ✨️ and love ❤️

Dear Dafne,

I’m sorry your internet connection got disrupted for a long time. I’m happy to hear from you again! ❤️

I understand what you’re saying, and I know many men at this stage may not be interested in marriage again. But I prefer to stay hopeful and focus on those who truly value commitment and marriage — because such men do exist, and I would be even more unhappy to just accept someone with different goals and values.

I also feel that if I focus on men who are only looking for free-spirited or easy relationships, I would feel empty. It would feel like skipping an important stage in life — being a wife — especially since they have already experienced that with someone else.

I hear you, Dafne, and it’s perfectly okay to want someone who wants to get married. I completely understand your desire to get married and to experience a deep, committed relationship with someone you love and trust.

Just to add Tee, the previous man I mentioned was dating and, as far as I know, didn’t have any financial obligations toward his ex wife’s son, but he did want to keep in touch with him, so there were more emotional obligations.

Yes, and you said back then that him talking about his stepson made you feel somewhat upset and emotionally burdened. I suggested that this reaction might have been caused by your own unmet emotional needs, where you felt a little jealous of his stepson, as if he was talking too much about him.

He was also talking about his previous marriage and how he realized he was working too much and neglected his health. And so he was quite keen on keeping fit and was talking about that. All that seemed to have disturbed you, and you told him you don’t want to talk about the past but focus on the future, if I remember well.

It seemed to me that you reacted overly sensitive, and that there weren’t really red flags in what he was sharing. And I suspected that it might have to do with your own past wounds, i.e. unmet emotional needs.

You also mentioned that it hurt you that he was so caring about his stepson, which was in contrast with how your own father treated you. So there was also a certain sadness and hurt that got triggered in you, and you had a hard time coping with it.

In short, it seems that his legitimate emotional obligations and feelings towards his stepson caused quite a bit of a stirring in you. And my assessment was that it wasn’t a completely balanced reaction, and that you would need to work on yourself, so you wouldn’t be so sensitive in the future.

I believe that you would still need to work on those things, i.e. on your own healing, because otherwise chances are that you reject a potentially good candidate, even someone who is marriage minded and trustworthy.

So this would be my gentle invitation to you, Dafne: to start working on those childhood issues, so you can be more emotionally resilient, and more capable to recognize and keep a good, honest man.

Otherwise, Anita and Copilot gave you really good tips on where to look for men with similar values, as well as what books you could read.

I would also recommend therapy, if you can afford it, because it would be crucial not only for finding a good, honest partner, but also for you and your happiness – independent of any man.

I believe the best scenario would be to find a measure of emotional healing first, which would then give you a better chance of meeting a good, honest and trustworthy man. Because your “dating radar” would work properly and you could better recognize good guys. And you wouldn’t be so suspicious of those who are actually trustworthy.

I know it’s not necessarily something you want to hear, because you’re really focused on meeting a man. But this is my honest opinion, and what I believe would be the best for you.

I hope you do find what you’re looking for, Dafne. I wish you all the happiness in the world. And I hope you can start working on it, one step at a time, little by little, being more resilient, more self-confident and more self-loving every single day ❤️

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your care ❤️ my internet is spotty but I can still send the message. I can’t open videos and see the podcasts though.

Hope you rested a little bit…

To be honest the things I’ve shared on this forum are just the tip of the ice berg. I am fearful to add more information and hope I will be ok one day 🙏

Right now I’m dealing with some something really devastating emotionally and affecting further my health. I don’t know what to do but I’ll try with the little energy I have left.

I am feelimg quite shuttered at the moment promise to get back to you soon my dear Anita. Please take care of yourself and talk to you soon. I hope to be able to reply to this great research you’ve done regarding boundaries and meeting good men.

I’ll be back soon…

Big big hug Anita and lots of love 🫂💖

Dear Dafne,

Right now I’m dealing with some something really devastating emotionally and affecting further my health. I don’t know what to do but I’ll try with the little energy I have left.

I feel like drowning and can’t express it here as it could compromise my safety.

Oh my goodness, Dafne, I do hope you’ll be okay! What you’ve just shared sounds pretty concerning 🙁 I’m worried about you…

Are you physically safe at least? Please do everything to protect yourself – you definitely deserve it! Don’t let anyone manipulate you into something that would harm you or put you in a very bad situation, affecting your physical or emotional well-being. And please let us know how you’re doing and what’s going on…

I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself, Dafne! 🙏 Hope to talk to you soon! 💖