Hello Jay,

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right about not wanting a woman with a child. It is a healthy choice.

I believe single parents should only date other single parents based on my experiences. Single people dating single parents have a lot of drama/issues & I do not want to deal with the children, the children mother, the children mother family, etc. for the rest of my life. I want a simple & quiet life.

You will never be #1 to her. Her child (even adult children = grandkids etc.) is the ‘most important thing to her in the world’ aka not you. It also means a piece of her former relationship(s) never goes away.

I’m a bit older than you 🙂 but I’ve never been married before as I did not want to settle for less.

I always wanted to have a family on my own but not just with anybody.

It’s nice to know there are still men out there who are decent and looking for the same things.

What qualities are you looking for in a life partner? And how do you usually meet women?

Have a lovely day! 🌼

Dafne

Dear Dafne,

I am sorry for having been silent for so long. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and health anxiety related to that, and it was pretty hard on me.

Dr. said I got the long term one and need to look after myself more.

I am so sorry you got a severe case of covid. Are you still experiencing symptoms?

Yes, I’ve tried one Christian website in the past but all matches lived too far away and did not want to travel to see me

Oh that’s a shame. I know distance can be a problem, specially in big countries like the USA, so I get it. But it’s a shame. Maybe they were just lazy and too comfortable.

Also, have you ever been to India? I’ve heard it is a very spiritual country and marriage is sacred. I also heard that most marriages are arranged so not many prospects my age are left.

Oh I don’t know about India. I know spirituality is very important there, however I did hear that women are not always treated right there. Families make it their priority to marry off their daughters to the best possible suitor, and the girls are often pressured to get married till certain age, even if that’s not what they want or they haven’t found anybody suitable yet.

So I think marriage there is seen more like a business deal (specially an arranged marriage) – a very important business deal, perhaps the most important “business deal” of a girl’s life. However, it doesn’t make it sacred, I am afraid.

I hope you can find someone closer to you and someone who will truly respect and cherish you. But as I said before, you’d need to first learn to respect and cherish yourself. I hope you are learning to do it, little by little… <3

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words and welcome!

I am sorry to have been slow to respond, but as I’ve said, I’ve been dealing with health issues this whole year, which I believe triggered an old childhood trauma. And this made it harder to deal with the chronic pain and the roller-coaster of getting better only to get worse again. So it’s been both physically and mentally/emotionally draining. But I think I am starting to see the light of the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been seeing a therapist, but have been watching some really good videos on health anxiety, which helped me a lot. So I am feeling a little better at the moment 🙂

I’m still experiencing some post covid symptoms & anxiety is one of them. I’m trying to stay positive but it is not always easy. Especially when you do not have a strong support system of your family & friends.

Is your anxiety health related? That you’ll never heal completely or something to that effect? I know it’s much harder when you need to go through those challenges alone… You earlier mentioned a friend of yours, whom you talk a lot about dating and relationships – is she around to help you?

I’m trying to apply your advice step by step but many times my fear is stronger. I did learn to say ,no’ & to set some boundaries but I still feel really isolated & find it hard to trust people & open my heart again.

I am happy that you’ve learned to say no and set some boundaries. That’s already a big improvement! It’s better to guard your heart from the people who would like to take advantage of you. You gave many opportunities and a benefit of the doubt to that policeman, and yet, the only thing he wanted was sex. I am glad you managed to say No to his conditions!

Most men I’ve met miss the ,spark’ they felt with their exes and their hearts are not available to me. Even after the brake up of their relationship, they still long for that feeling with someone new. Or they do not want to settle down at all.

I am sorry about that, Dafne. Have you been dating some more since the policeman?

Recently, I spoke with my father (after many years of absence). I told him how I felt, about my childhood pain & broken hear. He replied that he doesn’t want to feel criticised and that it was between him and my mother. Also he said that I’ve chosen this life for myself before I was born. I wrote my destiny. Everything is my decision and he will not care about any consequences of it. He also said that he has nothing do with my bad partner choices. For him it is a nonsense and how psychiatrist make money.

It seems your father doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his own behavior and for having hurt you. My mother is also like that – she feels she was a great mother and did nothing wrong in my upbringing, whereas the truth is that she was emotionally abusive my entire childhood (and would still be, if I let myself be abused). I tried to explain to her how she hurt me, but she flat out refused any responsibility and is claiming that she was a good and sacrificing mother. So I know that it doesn’t make sense to try to convince her of the opposite, or to try to get compassion and understanding from her.

It seems it’s a similar situation with your father: he flat out refuses any responsibility, even to the point of claiming that you as a child asked for it (asked for abuse and neglect) and “wrote your destiny”. As if parenting has nothing to do with the child’s mental and emotional health. Whereas exactly the opposite is true: a large study (called the ACE study) has proven that children exposed to emotional abuse and neglect have a much greater chance of having life-long physical and mental health issues.

By claiming that he had no negative impact on you and that you chose your own destiny, your father is heavily gaslighting you, washing all responsibility from himself. That’s toxic behavior.

It also shows that unfortunately there is no point in trying to get any empathy or understanding from him, because he isn’t capable of that. Trying to get him to see how he has hurt you will only hurt you more, so my advice is not to talk to him about that any more. I’ve realized that about my mother too, so I am not attempting to get from her what she isn’t capable of giving me (I had been trying for many many years, but have finally given up, realizing that it is only hurting me).

He never supported us emotionally or financially in any way. And now, he has a small piece of land near his place that he wants to sell. So he proposed that I could buy it from him as: ,nothing comes for free in life’ (his words).

Since he isn’t and has never been a loving father, and since staying in his proximity will likely only hurt you, I wouldn’t buy this piece of land. I wouldn’t tie myself to him in any way. Because I can imagine a scenario in which you end up taking care of him in his old age, while he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. I mean, I don’t know him, but I see no compassion on his side. I only see self-interest. Maybe he isn’t needy and wouldn’t demand you to take care of him, but in any case, I wouldn’t like to live near him.

Apparently, this proposal is a hot deal & he won’t hesitate to sell it to someone else. I felt like it is a business proposal and not loving reconnection after years. I felt disappointed but couldn’t really say much.

Sorry for responding only now, I hope you haven’t bought it in the meanwhile. It does feel cold and calculated, like a business proposal. No wonder you feel disappointed. But it’s better not to be close to him physically, when you cannot be close emotionally. And his stance is really hurtful.

I am sorry, Dafne. You definitely deserve more than your father’s kind of “love”. Which isn’t love at all. Some people aren’t capable of love, and so they come up with all kinds of excuses why selfishness and lack of empathy is normal (“nothing comes for free in life“). When again, let me refute that claim, because as they say, the best things in life are for free.

So everything that your father is claiming about love and life is probably untrue… and it needs revision.

Tee, what would you say or do in my place?

For starters, I wouldn’t buy that piece of land. And I wouldn’t try to get any empathy from him either. When he tells you that “nothing comes for free in life”, you can say “the best things in life are free”. You can say it out loud or just to yourself. But it’s important that you start refuting those falsehoods about life and love that he taught you (you don’t need to refute it to him, but to yourself), and learn a different set of beliefs – beliefs that will help you love yourself more.

Dear Dafne,

thank you so much for your good wishes and your empathy <3

I can understand what you’re going through. For me it was also a mixture of health related issues, emotional struggles with the past & fears for the future.

Yes, exactly! Health issues brought about the emotional struggle and the fear for the future (and a sense of hopelessness). Thank you for understanding me and summarizing it so well!

Recently, my best friend lost her life at a very young age and there was nothing that could be done. We were closer than some family members can ever be. Also my 2 beloved uncles passed away (Covid related) and left a big whole in my life.

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend at a young age. And losing your two uncles, whom you cared about a lot. That must have been devastating 🙁

In terms of friends, I am similar to you – I only have a couple of really good friends and they are in my home country, so we don’t meet often. But those are deep bonds, going back to my childhood. I must say my husband is my best friend, so I do have support and it means a lot, specially in times of hardship.

About your date, you might want to give him a chance. True, he isn’t pursuing you, but from what you’ve written about him, I don’t see red flags, except maybe that he was married and divorced 3 times. That can be a problem – if he hasn’t learned anything from his previous relationships and keeps repeating the same mistakes. However, it seems he has learned something: that he was “working too much before and neglecting his ex wife and his health.”

So if he mentioned his ex-wife in the context of a lesson learned, and not in the context of “I want her back”, then it’s not necessarily a red flag. He might have realized that he should pay more attention to the woman in his life, and also that he should pay more attention to his health (because when he didn’t, it lead to a heart attack).

He had a heart attack and now is obsessed with his health and focused on himself. It is good that he is looking after himself now but is there any space for someone new?

There should be. If he has learned a lesson that he should pay more attention to his partner, then there should be space for both you (as his potential partner) and him and his health, his hobbies etc. If on the other hand the only thing he talks about is his health and/or his ex-wife, that would be a red flag.

Also he is in a good contact with his ex wife’s son from her previous marriage. Maybe with her too?

Well, that’s his stepson, and it’s actually a good thing that he keeps in touch with him. It’s okay if he cares about his stepson. It doesn’t necessarily mean he also has feelings for his ex wife. In any case, you don’t know it yet, you’d need to find out.

I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me…

I understand. It could be that he was really talking too much about his past and not showing much interest in you, or it could be that you felt unseen by him, due to your childhood wound of feeling unseen. If it’s the latter, you might have felt neglected and it might have felt emotionally draining. What do you feel happened? Do you think you were triggered, or he did talk extensively about his ex, while not showing interest in you?

Before I ,met’ you, I was not aware that a parent can have such a tremendous impact on a child’s future romantic life and long term health.

Unfortunately yes, our childhood and upbringing have a huge impact on us, because that’s when we learn about love and life. If we had emotionally abusive or neglectful parents, we learn that there is something wrong with us, that we are unlovable and unworthy. That’s of course a lie, but the child always thinks it’s their fault when the parents don’t give them the love and appreciation they need. So we always blame ourselves… and we carry that blame and a negative self-image into our adulthood.

We need to move on somehow but what if we never succeed to forget and forgive? What if this anxiety and fear won’t go away for good? It is so hard to fill that void inside…

I know, Dafne. I’d lived with the void (of feeling unlovable) for many years. Until I’ve started working on myself and learning that I am indeed lovable, and eventually until I started getting in touch with my inner child. Who desperately needed to be loved. That’s how that void got filled – by giving love to my inner child.

The worst thing is that they won’t change and will only hurt us more and more.

Yes, unfortunately our parents will rarely admit that they’ve made a mistake with our upbringing. There are those who do, but they are rare. But the good thing is that we don’t need our parents to admit that they’ve hurt us. We can heal without their admission and without their apology. We can heal, we can even learn to forgive them (but also keep our boundaries not to be hurt again), and move on. We can be free from that old baggage.

He messed up my life well enough and now wants to continue. It also seems like he is not doing well financially right now and complains a lot about money. I can’t trust anything he says and his intention with me. Could it be that bad?

Yeah, I am afraid it could. There are many selfish people out there, who are also parents, but they’re not good parents. Your father is not a good parent, but a selfish one, who doesn’t care much about you and your well-being. It’s not your fault, you haven’t deserved any of it, but unfortunately that’s what you have to deal with.

It’s pretty humiliating that you need to ask for permission from his ex-wife if you want to visit him. Their whole arrangement is a weird one – keeping the house together and then her staying there from time to time. Anyway, it’s good that you told him you don’t want to get involved in their mess (to use your words: “It is really messy”).

Also, it’s good you told him that parents usually gift (or leave) the land to their children, rather than selling it. I guess he needs money, and so he doesn’t care about not leaving you anything. He is just continuing his old neglectful behavior (He never supported us emotionally or financially in any way.) He hasn’t changed or learned anything, unfortunately.

Thank you Tee for opening my eyes for another abuse from him. He is using the spiritual talk as an excuse for his bad or non existent parenting and avoiding any responsibility. And he is doing nothing to make up for all those years.

You are welcome. Yeah, I am familiar with spiritual gaslighting – using spirituality to excuse being an a**hole. Well, I hope you won’t fall for it any longer and will see things more clearly. It’s probably going to hurt to see your father for who he really is, but please, know it’s not your fault, and that you can heal and get out of this stronger!

I hope something will change in our life very soon. I pray for us and that we are strong enough to stay on this Earth and be able to enjoy it

Thank you so much, Dafne. I too am praying for our strength and to be able to enjoy our lives, and have less pain, be it emotional or physical.

I am rooting for you, Dafne! <3

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome!

I am fine more or less, having some issues but keeping my health anxiety at bay, which is a new experience for me. I am learning new things about the nervous system and how we can “rewire” it, so we can be less anxious.

You helped me to see the things for what they are and not for what I wish them to be. I am much better now knowing that my feelings were ,real’, that I am not overreacting and that there is someone out there who understands my pain.

I am happy you’re feeling better now and more understood. And yes, you were not overreacting – your father did cause you a lot of pain and then denied it, putting all the blame on you. As children, we always take that blame, we always believe there’s something wrong with us when the parent abuses or neglects us. And we carry that blame into our adulthood too.

We carry not only the blame, but also the belief that we are not good enough. This false belief almost becomes our “curse” because it directs everything we do, as well as the way we see ourselves and other people. And we might not even be aware of it.

I’m also glad that you could find ways to nurture your inner child and feel loved again

Yes, that was the turning point in my healing – when I’ve come across the concept of the inner child. Because until then, I was making some progress, but I could never stop blaming myself, I could never find enough compassion for myself – until I realized that I was an innocent, precious child who was not given the love and appreciation that every child needs and deserves. And that I was lacking because of that. That was the turning point, that’s when I could finally feel compassion for myself and start loving myself.

Your’re right about my father. I’ve lied to myself for so many years, explaining his bad behaviour and suffering in silence. I’ve shed too many tears…

Yeah, I can imagine. You were feeling unloved and uncared for, and you were excusing your father’s lack of love and care, and at least partially blaming yourself for it. I hope you can now see that it wasn’t your fault, and that you are lovable and worthy, even if your father didn’t show this to you.

I’m not gonna argue with him anymore or beg for his attention.

Good decision! Because his recent behavior shows that he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and keeps blaming you. Wanting anything from him would be a recipe for continual pain and suffering…

I will try to live day by day. I only hope that those past experiences won’t mess up my relationships with others.

I hope you can find the way to heal those childhood wounds. If you can’t afford a therapist who works with the inner child, perhaps you could check out some online materials and try to do self-healing?

To answer your question Tee, I’m not sure what triggered my response with that last man. Maybe I was scared of him leaving me sooner or later? Or maybe I felt embarrassed that the stepfather can be more loving than my own father?

It could be either. If we feel not good enough, we then fear that people won’t like us and that they will leave us (like your father left you when you were a child). And so we try to prevent that hurt by leaving them before they can leave us.

Or the other option you’ve mentioned: you might have felt the pain of your father’s lack of love and care for you, compared to this man’s care for his stepson. So both can be true, Dafne. It could be that talking to this man triggered your own wounds, and it was overwhelming.

I did send him a message, he replied but still no 2 date in sight. He might enjoy his fun, bachelor life now and I might be too serious for him.

He might have felt a certain neediness in you, a certain heaviness, because when our wounds are not healed, we are very needy. Indeed, we are like little children, needing to be the center of our parent’s (now partner’s) world. So if you expected him to have you as the center of his world, and not to have any other interests and not to care for anyone else (including his stepson), that could have felt heavy for him.

You mentioned in your other post that your husband is your best friend and helped you in that hard time. I find it amazing. Depression or anxiety should never be a reason for him/her to neglect or quit the relationship.

Yeah, my husband has been a great support to me, not just now, when I am struggling with all these health challenges, but in the past too. In the beginning of our relationship he was a bit of a care-taker for me, like a good parent figure, and I was quite needy. But then we had some challenges, and it was a wake-up call for me to start working on myself and healing my issues, because otherwise I would have lost him.

Tee, if you do not mind asking me, where did you guys meet? Are you both from the same country?

We met many years ago at a business conference. We’re not from the same country but were living in neighboring countries, and so it was a 5-yr long long-distance relationship before I finally moved to his country.

Life is so unpredictable…we never know what’s around the corner.

Yes it is. In fact, I never wanted to go to this conference, because it was at an inconvenient time for me, but that’s where I met my husband. So it was the best thing ever 🙂

Let’s pray for our healing and to feel at ease once again

Yes, I hope that both of us will feel more at peace in our lives. I hope you can find some peace now, after you’ve realized some things about your father and accepted that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you can start loving yourself more, bit by bit <3

Dear Tee,

I’m glad to hear that you are a bit better and that even in that hard moment of your life, you still make something positive out of it. That is really beautiful 🌼
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes, I’m watching some of the videos on YouTube about that concept and it makes perfect sense. I am trying to find peace with myself and the past.</p>
Tee, the example with your husband really resonates with me. It used to be that one of my dates mentioned to me that he feels like my father. He said that he has kids and doesn’t want to be seen as a protector or carer of my needs. I wanted the love I missed from my father. I do not regret loosing him as he had terrible anger issues and also too ,modern’ for me.

He also complained about his ex wife taking his washing machine after divorce so not a great prospect 😁

I still believe that our man should be like a real father figure (protector and provider) and being needy is human. Maybe some men like that? Maybe if we do not go overboard with our emotions, it is something to cherish and not to eliminate?

I’m hoping to meet someone who is not afraid of those emotions but sometimes I’m the one running 😅 I realised that I can’t handle emotionally the constant chats on WhatsApp or on the phone. Why is that? I feel overwhelmed if there is too much exchange as well. Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

Tee, you gave me hope for better tomorrow. I’m glad that we could share our life experiences and help each other one way or the other.

You reminded me about that TV program called ,90 days fiancé’ where people need to decide to marry very quickly as their visa expires after 90 days. They live in different countries.

Your love story is very inspiring too. To be honest, I admire your patience as being in a long distance relationship is very hard.

How did you make it work? Did you struggle with any cultural or religious differences?

Also would it be too much to ask you which countries are you both from?
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Last Sunday one of the priests told me a very interesting thing. He said that sometimes the place you are used to is not the place you belong. This might be a sign.</p>
Anyways, Tee your kindness and support have been a source of comfort during this difficult time and I cannot thank you enough. 💗

Your willing to listen, offer a kind word & emphasise with my emotions have helped me feel less alone and more understood and I feel very grateful 🙏

Warm greetings and take care!

Dafne

Dear Daphne,

happy belated New Year to you too! I am sorry for not responding and for disappearing again… it’s my health issues and health anxiety that I am struggling with, and it kind of takes away my capacity and focus to write here on the forum.

I am sorry about the religious man. Yeah, the fact that he wasn’t keeping the conversation alive was a sign that he wasn’t really interested. He never replied to the video you sent him, and then he ghosted you, until you inquired how he was 3 months later.

Did I make a mistake by waiting for him and not asking directly if he wants to go out again with me? Was he not interested enough in me or just not sure of my interest level?

It’s okay that you weren’t pushing it, because it wouldn’t have been any better. Honestly, I think he wasn’t interested enough, because otherwise he would have replied to the video you sent him and kept the conversation going, perhaps asking you on a second date etc.

Or maybe I scared him by saying that my fiancée passed away many years ago? (afraid that I won’t love again)? He asked if I could ever love someone new. I told him that yes & that divorce is also a death of a relationship but not sure if he thought the same way. Maybe I opened up too much about my past?

I don’t think you shared too much about yourself. What could have been off-putting for him is that you said that he shouldn’t be in touch with his ex wife (I told him that divorce is also a death of a relationship). Perhaps you also expressed a veiled disappointment that he has a close relationship with his stepson (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past.) So perhaps he felt that you are sensitive to him talking about the people in his past, and caring about his stepson, and this was a red flag for him.

But as I said, I think you reacting like that is the consequence of your childhood wound, having been abandoned by your father. That’s why you want the man in your life “all for yourself” and you are worried if they have any other major interests – because that seems like they are betraying and abandoning you. Do you think this could be the case?

I’m hoping to meet someone who is not afraid of those emotions but sometimes I’m the one running. I realised that I can’t handle emotionally the constant chats on WhatsApp or on the phone. Why is that? I feel overwhelmed if there is too much exchange as well. Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

Well, I too don’t like to chat to the person I love – I prefer to talk over the phone because it’s easier and the communication can be deeper than over chat. Chat can be exhausting because it takes a lot of time to write down everything I want to say 🙂 So I prefer talking on the phone for a deeper, smoother communication.

But if you feel emotionally overwhelmed during a chat, maybe it’s the content of what the person is saying? You said that with the religious man, you felt that the conversation was emotionally draining when he was talking about his stepson and his ex-wife (I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me…). So perhaps that particular conversation was emotionally draining because it triggered strong emotions in you (e.g. fear of abandonment, jealousy)?

Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

I’d say that if we get triggered often in our communication with a potential partner/date, it’s most probably because we have a lot of unprocessed emotions, stemming from those childhood wounds. I don’t think it’s necessarily the issue of being introverted, because introverted people also like to have a deep bond with their significant other. They are not afraid of too much emotional intimacy. So I believe it’s more to do with those unprocessed emotions and wounds, than with being introverted.

Dear Dafne, I think I’ll stop here for now. I hope you are fine. Thank you for checking in on me, and I am sorry once again for responding so late…