Dear Dafne,

just a little correction. I want to rephrase one sentence to sound like this:

The message your mother gave you might have been something like “stay here with me, where you are safe”

Because I don’t want to project things on you. It was my mother who gave me the message “Stay here with me, where you are safe.” Maybe your mother’s message was different. Anyway, I just wanted to mention this.

Much love and take care <3

Dear Dafne,

happy to hear from you! I am sorry your internet access was disrupted – hopefully it will get back to normal soon.

I myself am more or less okay, thank you for asking. Still having some new health issues that come and go, but I try not to worry about it too much. These past 6 months have been about learning how to face and manage my health anxiety, and my fears in general. And it’s a work in progress, but I am getting better at it 🙂

Meanwhile I found out a bit more about that counselling place you asked me about.

Good you did that!

And the first person I spoke to was a nurse and the other was a counselor. They each had an assessment with me and they had the same opinions of what I confined to them.

Oh so it wasn’t one session with both of them, but two separate sessions, right? But they both gave you a similar opinion – basically blaming you for not helping yourself as a child :\

Then at the end of my session I spoke to a group of people and they seemed to know about the problems of all other participans as well.

You mean you participated in a group therapy session, where participants share about their problems?

I remember one person saying that you need to be honest with yourself where you made any mistakes and should not sugarcoat it like at many other institutions.

Well yeah, we need to be honest with ourselves, but it is also important to understand what caused our problems and how our childhood trauma led us to where we are now.

I don’t know what they meant by “sugarcoating”? Is it to have empathy and understanding for the person? Because if they advocate more of the “tough love” approach, telling the person to “get a grip” and “take responsibility” – so coming more from a judgmental side – it cannot lead to a lasting healing.

Regarding the dog, I’m really thankful for all your advice. I contacted a vet but she is not a behaviourist so couldn’t help too much. Unfortunately we do not have a big choice here.

Then I asked at the shelter and they gave me the number of a dog sitter & a trainer. They told me that he is not easy to train as he has aggressive tendencies and his anxiety is too big. I’ve tried to leave him with her gradually but she wasn’t happy to continue as she could not touch him and he snaped at her. I don’t see any solution here.

I am sorry the people you’ve asked so far couldn’t really help. Did this dog come from a shelter, and was already traumatized, or your mother didn’t treat him/train him properly?

But I know there are people who are willing to work with even the most traumatized dogs. And even take them to their homes. Perhaps google “working with traumatized dogs” and see what comes up?

You’re right Tee, there are a few things that I like doing and need to do more often. I neglected it for a long time. I could say that I enjoy listening to the music, painting and travelling.

It all sounds lovely! Perhaps you can take up painting? Your profile picture, with nice flowers, kind of gives me the vibe of an artistic soul… Whatever you choose, I strongly recommend doing something that feeds and nourishes your soul!

What do you like doing in your free time?

I used to love hiking and taking walks in nature, but I’ve got mobility issues since the last few years, so climbing even the smallest hill isn’t an option any more 🙁 But I still love to take a stroll in nature, even if it’s just a green oasis within the city, e.g. visiting an arboretum, or a Japanese garden. I find it very nourishing for my soul…

 I’m not sure if you believe in dreams and that they mean something but I keep having the same dreams for a long time now. I see my ex fiancé in them. I keep waking up with regrets that I gave up on him so easily. I think I mentioned him to you once.

You mentioned someone who you felt only wanted you to take care of his kids and cook and clean for him. To be a maid, sort of. Is that him?

He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife. And if we want something together, I need to buy something new with him.

So he didn’t have a place to live and basically wanted you to co-finance his new place?

He visited some of my family, but it was not enough for him & he insisted to also see how my mother lives.

Do you know why he was so adamant to see how your mother lives? Perhaps he was interested in her real estate? Sorry if I am being too suspicious, but I can only think of 2 reasons why seeing your mother’s place would be such a deal-breaker for him: either he thought you are hiding something about your mother, and saw this as a red flag, or he was interested in seeing what type of property he can count on some time down the line. Did he seem materialistic, stressing things like wealth, status etc?

His family also interfered a lot, and he always asked their opinion.

You mean his ex-wife interfered? Or his parents?

He was a bit controlling at times but that showed me that he cares about me.

Can you give me an example of his being controlling?

Was my mother right about not inviting him? Was he bad news but I didn’t see it?

Well, your mother was not too kind in not wanting to meet him. However, it is her right not to invite guests to her house. He expected you to “convince” her, although if someone is stubborn, what can you do? Have you talked about your mother (and her character) to him? It seems he blamed you for not being able to control (or have more influence over) your mother…

I don’t think your mother is right when it comes to judging people’s characters. So I wouldn’t trust her judgment, specially since she never even met him. However, there are some red flags in his behavior, so it might be a good thing that you didn’t push for a relationship with him.

Why those dreams keep torturing me?

It could be that your counseling session, in which the counselor accused you of not being pushy enough with your recent love interest (the church man), triggered some regrets about this other guy, who was your fiance. Maybe there is something to look at in this relationship, and now is the right time for it? I’ll be happy to help you analyze it a bit more, if you’d like?

Big hug to you too, cheers and all the best, dear Dafne <3

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your care and kindness and wishing me well regarding my health.

I am very sorry that you are suffering from the consequences of long Covid. That must be awful 🙁

And did you get Covid more than once? Because you said that it got worse after your last Covid (After my last COVID, it got even worst.) I really hope that with time it will get better for you, Dafne.

I was smiling when you mentioned the flower in my profile picture you got it right again. I did do a lot of artistic projects in the past and painting was one of my favourites. I used to sit in the nature a lot and just breath.

I am glad I was right about the artist in you! 🙂 How come you stopped painting and doing art projects, if I may ask?

Perhaps being in nature and just soaking in its beauty would help you relax, and might even have a positive effect on your breathing? I apologize in advance if I am over simplifying things and making useless suggestions. Because I know dealing with a chronic illness is much more complicated than that…

Yes, it was a separate session but people seemed to share the information and it did not feel very private. The group wasn’t the patients but the health professionals.

Oh so it was like an expert panel, so to speak, giving you their suggestions. That’s a strange setup for counseling, because counseling is best done 1:1, where the patient develops trust and rapport with the practitioner. What they did is more like a hospital setting, where a panel of doctors decides what’s the best treatment option in case of disease. But here, the best treatment option is to have empathy and understanding for the client. That’s how our healing begins.

You found the right word for this kind of practice “tough love” and it wasn’t a very compassionate & understanding environment. It might be that they meant well and did not want people to feel like victims but the effect was completely different. It did not feel right at all and feelings seemed to be ignored and logic prevailed.

I understand it’s important not to feel like a helpless victim – because if we do, we won’t be able to make the necessary changes in our lives. However, we were victims as children – we were indeed helpless victims. And we were harmed. And this needs to be acknowledged before we can proceed to heal. The wound needs to be acknowledged, before it can be treated.

Tee, I will make sure to check the places you suggested for the tramatised animals. My mom’s dog is a COVID baby as she got him around that time. She rescued him and had to pay a lot of money as the place did not want to keep him due to his appearance. He had a squint and was very shy.

Oh so nobody wanted the little dog, but your mom took pity on him and rescued him. And I guess she paid a lot of money for his surgery, i.e. doctor’s expenses?

Nobody wanted him but my mother showed her loving heart and took him. My mother did not give him the proper training as most places were closed during the COVID and he stayed at home most of the time. She did a very beautiful thing but now as he got older it got harder as well.

Well, this tells me that your mom would never hurt that dog. If she had a loving heart to take him and nurse him to health, then I am sure she would never harm him. So her threats are empty, Dafne, she is only using it to emotionally blackmail you.

As for your ex fiance, first I’d like to say that it’s better that you’ve split up, because he seems like a violent man, who attacked his wife physically and she had to call the police on him twice (he pushed his ex-wife on the coach and she called police 2 times on him.)

Not only that, but he blamed her for his violent behavior (he blamed her for everything).

Which means that if you had a disagreement with him in the future, you might have received a similar treatment, and a similar excuse: that it was your fault.

Also, he was possessive, because he didn’t like it when you went out with your girlfriends. He was also jealous, believing that you might find someone better than him:

he controlled me when I wanted to go out with my girlfriends. He always suspected that I might meet some man better than him.

Possessiveness and jealousy is another big red flag. And the need to control his partner’s social life, lest she leaves him. Those are all very worrying features in a guy.

The financial aspect and stinginess is also a problem, but it’s not even his worst sin. Physical violence and blaming the woman for “provoking” him, as well as possessiveness and jealousy are all very serious problems. And you are lucky you haven’t ended up together with him.

As for his financial and living arrangements with his ex-wife, I didn’t get it whether he was living in the house he bought on mortgage, or his ex-wife was living there with their children? Or they were both living in the same house, because he couldn’t afford to buy/rent another place?

You said your mother went to help with his kids and stayed there for 2 weeks. Which would tell me that he is living there with the kids. Where was his ex wife during that time? Was she sick?

I am guessing he is not sharing equal custody of the kids (50:50), since you said he doesn’t have a baby sitter (he did not want to pay for baby sitter or any help). So I am guessing this 2-week period was an exception, when his wife wasn’t there or couldn’t take of the kids, and that’s why he had to take care of them?

Another problem was that he wasn’t legally divorced – that’s why he didn’t want a civil wedding, and he never showed you the divorce papers. He still had common property with his ex-wife – the house which he was paying the mortgage for – and so a chunk of his income always goes towards that property. And I’ve looked it up, it’s common in case of divorce that the family home remains intact, for the benefit of the children. And that it may remain intact till the youngest child turns 18.

However, after that, the place can be sold and the proceeds split. But he wanted to keep that place for his children and his ex-wife even after his death (He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife.), while at the same time he was expecting you to live in a partnership with him, in which a significant portion of his income would go towards paying off the mortgage. To me, this sounds unfair.

I don’t know, maybe I am not seeing it clearly, but it seems unfair, because you would be bearing the burden of his mortgage, but then eventually, the house would go to his ex-wife after his death.

His other features, like despising poor people, are also a big red flag:

He always spoke about rich people highly and told his kids that poor people have no value in this life.

So all in all, he doesn’t seem like a good, ethical person, on the contrary. And you made a good choice for not proceeding with him!

What do you think Tee? Was I right to stop all the contact with him after all that? I still wrote with his daughter but it seems now that she is distancing herself from me as well. What would you do in my place?

You were right to stop contact with him. When did you split up? How old are his children now? And how long were you together? I guess it’s normal that your relationship with his daughter slowly fades away, since you never got to live with her and form a deeper bond with her, right?

Dear Tee,

How is your week going?

Thank you for your compassion and care for my well being 🙏 Yes, I had it twice and it was even worst than the first time. Also the vaccine gave me all kind of weird symptoms and I’ve heard that many people deal with those issues long term. And if for example we had anxiety (or another health concern) before the vaccine or COVID, then the virus attacks that part of the body and makes it much worst.

You’re so right Tee, nature can heal us and it can help us to relax and recover faster.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same. I miss him till now even after realising that he had some anger issues or was controlling. I somehow accepted it as a human nature. His father was quite controlling with his mother but it was normal for the older generations. It meant that he cared and loved her because he was jealous.

I believe a little jealousy is not bad in a relationship but it can’t go out of control and lead to the emotional or physical abuse. I’m quite conservative in my outlook in life when it comes to relationships so I was happy to finally meet a traditionally minded man.

To answer your question, he is living in the house that he bought on mortgage. After their divorce, the ex wanted to escape to another city or country but he stopped her (by court). He also took children’s passports so they can’t travel abroad until they are 18 years old. He did this because he was afraid that she will take them far away. Then his ex went to live with her aunt and her kids on the other side of the city. That situation lasted for a few years and then they agreed to live closer to eachother. So she started renting a place not too far away from him. And now I don’t know as he stopped contacting me.

My mother suspected that they had some silent agreement between each other to keep the finances ,in family’ and never let him marry again. And I’ve never got to see the final divorce papers.

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his. When my mother came to help with his kids, they had summer holidays, but he had to go to work. My mother helped for the entire school holiday.

And yes, my mother did pay a lot for the treatment of her dog. The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

Another thing was that my fiancé’s sisters and him as well did not allow any dogs inside their or his house as for them animals are dirty and smell. So when my mom got the dog he wasn’t welcome anymore. But what was ironic, my fiancée did not mind coming to people’s houses where the dogs live 🙂

And he did not mind to come to my father’s house (with 2 dogs) and imposed on coming to my mother’s place (with a dog). So it felt very conditional.

After the brake up, he wanted to stay friends with me but it was me who always reached out first. Then I decided to stop writing to him and he did not contact me for more than 1 year. He blamed me and my mother for the end of our relationship. We were together for about 4 years and kids are now 12 and 15 years old.

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me. Meanwhile, I could not find anyone with similar values and that could help me to move on.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

It seems that it is some kind of revange from my father. He always prefered to have a boy and I always felt that.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions. Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

I feel that my parents still keep grudges towards eachother and I was the one suffering from the consequences of their past. They both say that they want to forget it but somehow they don’t.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Tee, I hope I did not overwhelm you with such a load of information. There are those things that I’m still struggling to comprehend. I wish to find the answers one day but most importantly the peace of mind.

Thank you for offering your help Tee and for making me feel that I’m not alone on this journey 🙏

From my heart to yours ❤️

 
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Dear Tee,

How is your summer going? I hope you are doing better and that your spirits are lifted a little bit with better weather🌞

I’m sorry for the late reply Tee; I was a little bit angry with myself. I would have written to you much sooner but the original message got erased by mistake and I couldn’t gather my thoughts after that. I still don’t have the internet at home and need to rely on other people’s availability.

Meanwhile, I participated in a small group talk organized for the COVID survivors. So I have more to tell you 🙂 It was an exceptional event where I could share some of the issues that you and I are discussing here. They believe that COVID causes or makes anxiety, chronic stress, and depression much worse and if you do not talk about it or deal with it somehow; it can even lead to suicide attempts (which has happened a lot since the pandemic).

It made me think of you and your anxiety struggle as well. It is very important to have someone caring in your life who doesn’t ignore the importance of your feelings and mental state. I shared with the group that although I do not have anyone nearby, I know someone who helped me so much and I don’t know if I would even be here without her compassion, advice, and loving understanding. I was talking about you 🙂

Going back to your question about stopping most of my projects. Yes, the breakup affected me badly but that was only one of the reasons. You see, I’ve lost some of the kindest and closest people to my heart during COVID, and on top of that health-related issues and childhood trauma coming up to the surface out of nowhere. Not a good mix at all.

You’re right Tee, somehow I need to bring the joy and enthusiasm back to life. But how to forget the past? How to move on without feeling bitter or even sad seeing fathers nurturing their daughters at any age? I’m an adult but still feel that empty space and a void that I can’t fill myself.

And maybe I got even more triggered when I met my fiancée. Maybe you got it right again and he wasn’t a victim or as good as he presented himself to me and my mother.

I believe now that my mother was not totally wrong about him. With marrying me for sure. But also with the other aspects. I will explain more now. He mostly prioritized the needs of his kids. I agree with her on that now because I felt almost invisible when they were over. He asked how I was but I needed to do what he expected me to do. It was never about being fair to the kids and myself. At the same time, he did not let me do things on my own when they came over to his place. To give you an example, he did not like it when I wanted to see my friends outside or go to the library. He expected me to entertain his daughter and stay at home. I did not mind doing it but then it got too much as it felt draining. I felt overwhelmed to be with them all the time and needed some space for myself (especially during the long breaks). He would get angry when I decided to do it anyway (go outside, meet with friends, or travel to see my family). So when I let him take care of his children’s needs it was fine with him and I also was expected to take care of their needs but if I wanted to take care of my needs (going out and doing what I needed to do) it was not fine. And no one cared about what I needed (just like my dad did to me). I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well 🙂 Tee, please let me know if you understand that bit.

Tee, to answer your question about my mother standing up for me and herself, no, it was not easy to ask anything from my father. He was young and not responsible. As far as I know, he wasn’t even keen on paying the child support. He never bought me anything nice, even a toy. He only brought some used things for me to play with once his ex-wife’s son was done with it. Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him or try to be more clever than him. He also called me bad names when I asked for something. So I was afraid to ask or want anything from him.

My father indeed did not care about ensuring a home for me and my mother was afraid of him. She told me that he was trying to blackmail her if she tried anything. My dad did not want me to have an easier life than he had as a child which is awful. My mother’s lawyer told her to fight for the old house so I could safely stay there. But apparently, my dad changed the documents and put the house under his sister’s name so we could not have it. Then he tried to push her lawyer off the stairs because he tried to help us. It is an awful thing to discover after all those years. I feel like I did not know my life at all.

Yes, the kids stayed usually every 2 weekends, but also all the school holidays, breaks, and whenever his ex-wife felt like it (which was quite often). So it was expected of me to take care of them. When he first met me he paid a neighbor to help him but then she refused as she did not like to stay with his kids. She told me that they were spoiled, badly behaved, and aggressive at times. I know what she was talking about. I’ve experienced that behavior from his son, who was playing violent games constantly, shouting, and using bad words.

My fiancée scolded him but was afraid to lose him so let it be. The boy even said that he would kill everybody who is not doing as he pleases. I did not think of this as a real threat, but my fiancée said that if a stepmother or any other woman is not doing the right thing, she deserves it. That was when we saw a movie together about a boy who killed his stepmother for shouting at him and was not sentenced. My fiancée agreed with the plot in that movie and that the boy did not get punished by law.

His daughter was really sweet when she was small but with time started to compete with me for his dad’s attention. This triggered my ‘daddy’s issues’ and I started to feel neglected. I felt ashamed of myself feeling that way at my age but also unappreciated and unloved. She even demanded he buy things for her only and that she wanted all his money. She was fed from a very young age that only power and money matters. I’m sure both parents poisoned her mind from an early age. It did not feel good to be in this situation as it triggered my old wounds. I wanted desperately for something to change and get better so we could be a loving couple or even a patchwork family.

But would it be possible for me to change anything? Would buying a new home together help?

He told me to forget about his house and buy something together. Would it be possible for his kids and his ex-wife to claim our new house (with or without the divorce)? Someone told me that maybe it was his plan as well. I was not his wife so even with the prenup, he could make sure that his kids get half of our new house as well. Tee, do you think this is possible?

Also, I did not like the way he ordered food for himself and his kids. He gave me a very tiny portion of it and never ordered a takeaway just for me. Apparently, I should be cooking every time they were over. I did most of the time, but I was tired too, and with time, I felt it was not fair to expect it from any woman who is not a wife. And even then, most women wouldn’t do it.

I also found it very strange that he told me that he is a vegetarian but ate meat when I was not looking. And then saying that he wasn’t but I saw him eating it. And I am not a vegetarian so why hide? The neighbor told me that maybe he did not want to buy meat as it was too expensive and when she stayed at his place he was very stingy with food. He even told his son to navigate what she was eating.

Sometimes he invited me out to the restaurant but was nabbing at my food as well 🙂 I don’t mind sharing and tasting each other’s dishes but if he liked it so much, he should have ordered an extra portion. He then always turned it into a joke saying that he didn’t want me to get fat. Am I too sensitive in saying all that?  I’m trying to be fair and not judge him too much, but those little things made a difference.

When we first met, he agreed that one day he would consider marriage, maybe having a child, and that it is a good idea to have a dog. Then with time he started to change and said that some of the things he said earlier were only a joke (after I already got a small dog) and I should not take everything too seriously. Also, his sisters manipulated him a lot. Everything had to be consulted with the sisters. He never mentioned that they helped to pay his mortgage. He said that his dad helped a bit but not his sisters.

So till today, I am not sure if he is divorced or not as the paper he showed me was a provisional decree of divorce but I did not see the final paper. He told me that he is divorced but not financially. And back then all family and friends confirmed that he was legally divorced but probably did not receive the final paper or lost it in the process.

He told me to not be too visible to his ex-wife (showing our pictures on social media etc.) so she wouldn’t claim the house.

Is it possible for someone to claim the house after the final divorce? And if indeed they would make such a deal that he cannot sell the house without her approval, why would he talk about her claiming it? Did he mean taking it completely?

Just like you Tee, I would never agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced but I was convinced that he is. So I lost lots of time and energy in trying to figure out his motives and knowing his status.

I agree with you 100 % that agreeing to his demands would be like a second-class relationship and not fair at all.

The problem is that I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I can’t relate to any couple (maybe just in romantic movies), but it is not always realistic. So usually I followed my heart and Tee look how far it got me.

So, in this unclear situation, you would not accept that living relationship, but what if he was divorced, widowed, or never married before? Would your opinion change on that? Would you accept the live-in situation without ever getting married?

I know his family and friends, and they all confirmed that he is divorced. They all attended his court proceedings and I saw the letter saying that they are divorced but can change their mind up to a certain date. So it could be that the ex-wife did not want to proceed with the final divorce and they agreed to separate and keep the financial situation unresolved. My fiancé used to tell me very often that till now his ex-wife did not make any claim to the house but she may in the future (if for example, he reveals to her that I exist). I was always surprised why there were no pictures of us together in the house or phone profile. He always explained that she may get jealous and claim the house. But I don’t understand why she needs to claim the house if she has the right to half of it.

I know you advised me to not contact him again. I found out that he had changed his number and gave it now to his daughter. She told me that. I also asked her to contact me when she is at his place but she did not. I need to know if any of my letters are still coming to his address but have no way to find out. He told me not to come to his house because he could not come to my mother’s house. Does that even make sense? What can I do now?

My mother never had drinking problems before. I never remember her drunk. At some point, she started to analyze her life and feel bad about it.

The problem is that she doesn’t just go and fall asleep. She starts talking a lot, loudly, and is not giving up till she gets a reaction from me. No matter what I do, she won’t stop until I talk back. Then she plays the victim and starts blackmailing. I told her about the GP but she doesn’t care as she doesn’t trust doctors anyway. This did not work, unfortunately. I am trying to avoid her but this works only for a while and then she finds me and starts talking and complaining.

Tee, I am grateful for your help. It would be impossible for me to understand myself better without you!

I appreciate all you do! 💕

Big kiss my dear and please let me know your news 🙂

Dear Tee,

That’s fantastic news! I’m glad to hear that you are taking time off for yourself.

Thank you for replying and letting me know about it. Let’s talk more when you’re back 🙏

Have a wonderful holiday and please come back soon with your news! 😊

Have a safe stay 🌊🏖☀️

Big kiss 😘

Dafne