Dear  kadija:

I read most of your posts since September 2013. This is my understanding:

Reads like your choice of men is not the best, but there is a behavior on your part that will make a healthy relationship with any man, even a loving, decent man unlikely.

You wrote on Sept 6, 2013: “My bf use to tell me …I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much…I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf I get into a state were I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears, I don’t know if things get too much for me”.

Sept 26, 2013: “I see myself always trying to please people, until I have enough and break down….At times he will tell me he loves me but that im not a good person cause when im angry with I smashes his stuff out of frustration, yes ive done these things a couple of times…sometimes I damages things to vent my anger”.

Your pattern with men is that you do and do and do for them and then you get angry. When you get angry all hell breaks loose. You go on and on … and on, about how much you do for them and  how they do nothing or very little for you in return. You break stuff, kick them out, and then you wonder why your relationships don’t last.

Again, the couple of guys you describe don’t read  to me like a good choice, but with your pattern of behavior, a loving relationship is simply not possible with any man.

anita

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I know from personal experience anxiety can lead down a very unhealthy path and really do a number on your health. One of the best ways to cope with anxiety for me was getting a dog. Adopted an older one, 4 yrs old, and he did so much for my health! Forced me to go on walks And get out there! Self love came along the way as well getting more into faith. Having routines and a church also helped my anxiety.

Dear kadija:

In my last post to you I wrote to you: “Your pattern with men is that you do and do and do for them and then you get angry. When you get angry all hell breaks loose. You go on and on … and on, about how much you do for them and  how they do nothing or very little for you in return. You break stuff, kick them out, and then you wonder why your relationships don’t last.”

I based what I wrote on reading most of your posts since September 2013. I gave you these quotes: “I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much…I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf..I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears…sometimes I damages things to vent my anger”.

In your reply to me, following that post, you wrote: “i guess I keep picking the wrong guys who does very little for me, guys who expects a lot from me and rarely show appreciation.   Of course I am a loving and caring person, and with the right type of loving guy I could have a loving relationship s just that I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.”

You conveniently closed your eyes to what you do wrong  in the relationships (with men, perhaps you have done so with your children as well), and focus on the idea that you get involved with the wrong  guys. The suggestion perhaps is that if the man was decent then you wouldn’t  get angry and you won’t go on and on and  on about how much you do for him, how ungrateful he is, how he gives you nothing in return.. and break his things.

Problem is, there is no … right man who will appreciate you enough, reciprocate enough. Your pattern with the right man, as  with the wrong man, would  be  to do and do, clean and cook and so forth, and then explode in rage. This is your pattern, your behavior, and it  is for you to own.

Any and all comfort on the part of the man (or an unfortunate child in this situation) brought about by a warm meal and a  clean house, all that evaporates and is gone in the distress of your rage and aggression.

anita

My reply from so long ago: “Dear kadija: … you do and do and do for them and then you get angry. When you get angry all hell breaks loose. You go on and on.. and on, about how much you do for them and how they do nothing or very little for you in return. You break stuff, kick them out, and then you wonder why your relationships don’t last.

I quoted Kadija’s words: “I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues, and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much…I am very ashamed to say that when I’m angry and frustrated… I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears…sometimes I damages things to vent my anger… I guess I keep picking the wrong guys who do very little for me, guys who expects a lot from me and rarely show appreciation. Of course, I am a loving and caring person, and with the right type of loving guy I could have a loving relationship is just that I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.”

And my final comments in that reply: “You conveniently closed your eyes to what you do wrong in the relationships (with men, perhaps you have done so with your children as well) and focus on the idea that you get involved with the wrong guys. The suggestion perhaps is that if the man was decent then you wouldn’t get angry and you won’t go on and on and on about how much you do for him, how ungrateful he is, how he gives you nothing in return.. and break his things.

“Problem is, there is no … right man who will appreciate you enough, reciprocate enough. Your pattern with the right man, as with the wrong man, would be to do and do, clean and cook and so forth, and then explode in rage. This is your pattern, your behavior, and it is for you to own.

“Any and all comfort on the part of the man (or an unfortunate child in this situation) brought about by a warm meal and a clean house, all that evaporates and is gone in the distress of your rage and aggression. anita”

Copilot (AI): “Here’s a clear, compassionate evaluation of the reply you wrote 8+ years ago, followed by a version that would communicate the same truth without shaming, attacking, or overwhelming the person.

🌿 Evaluation of your original reply- Your reply had good intentions: you were trying to help Kadija see a destructive pattern she wasn’t acknowledging. You were also trying to hold her accountable for her behavior instead of letting her blame everything on “picking the wrong men.” That part was valid and important.

But the tone of your message was very direct, confrontational, emotionally harsh, focused on what she was doing wrong, written in a way that could make her feel judged or attacked, likely to trigger defensiveness rather than reflection.

You used phrases like: “You conveniently closed your eyes…”, “There is no right man…”, “This is your pattern, your behavior, and it is for you to own.”

These statements are true, but the delivery is sharp. It reads more like a scolding than support. When someone already feels ashamed of their anger, this tone can make them shut down instead of open up.

You also made assumptions about her children (“perhaps you have done so with your children as well”), which could feel intrusive or accusatory.

In short: Your insight was accurate. Your delivery was too hard. Your message needed more compassion and less confrontation.

🌱 A better version — same truth, softer delivery:

** “Kadija, I hear how painful these relationships have been for you, and how much you feel unappreciated. I also want to gently reflect something important: in your past posts, you’ve described moments where anger overwhelmed you — going on for a long time, bringing up old hurts, breaking things, and feeling out of control. That kind of anger would be difficult for any partner to handle, even a loving one.

“It’s understandable that you want a man who appreciates you, but the pattern you described — giving a lot, holding everything in, and then exploding — would likely repeat itself even with a ‘good’ man. This isn’t because you’re a bad person. It’s because this is a learned pattern, and patterns follow us until we work on them.

“The good news is that patterns can change. You deserve relationships where you feel calm, respected, and connected — and part of getting there is understanding your own reactions with compassion, not blame. If you can work on the anger and the buildup that leads to it, your relationships can feel very different.”**

🌟 Why this version works better- It names the behavior without shaming her. It acknowledges her pain. It avoids attacking her character. It focuses on growth, not blame. It keeps the door open for self‑reflection instead of defensiveness. It offers hope and agency.

(I asked Copilot if my reply was abusive): “Was your reply abusive? No — it wasn’t abusive. But it was harsh, confrontational, and emotionally blunt in a way that could have felt shaming to the person receiving it.

Abuse involves attacking someone’s character, belittling them, threatening them, humiliating them, trying to control or dominate them.

Your message didn’t do those things. You weren’t trying to hurt her — you were trying to hold up a mirror.

But the tone was sharp, accusatory, unforgiving, lacking warmth or compassion.

So, while it wasn’t abusive, it could have felt emotionally overwhelming or invalidating to someone already struggling with shame, anger, and relationship issues.

🌱 What your reply actually was- Your reply was accurate (your observations were correct), insightful (you saw a pattern she wasn’t seeing), well‑intentioned (you wanted to help her grow), too blunt (the delivery overshadowed the message). You were trying to wake her up, but the tone made it harder for her to hear you.

🌟 Why it feels harsh to you now- Because you’ve changed. You now understand emotional nuance better, communicate more gently, value compassion more, see how tone affects people, recognize that truth without softness can wound.

You’re not judging your past self — you’re simply seeing that you would handle it differently today. That’s growth, not guilt…

You weren’t abusive — you were triggered. Your reply wasn’t coming from a calm, neutral place. It was coming from a younger part of you that still carried pain from your mother’s behavior.

Kadija’s descriptions — the anger, the explosions, the blaming, the emotional volatility — matched the way your mother behaved. That similarity activated old wounds in you. When that happens, the brain often reacts as if the old threat is happening again right now.

So instead of speaking to Kadija, you were speaking to the ghost of your mother.

Projection doesn’t mean you were wrong — it means you were hurting. Your observations about Kadija’s pattern were accurate. But the intensity of your tone came from somewhere else.

Projection works like this: Someone reminds you of a person who hurt you. Your nervous system reacts as if it’s the same person. Your words come out sharper, harder, more charged. You feel like you’re fighting an old battle

You weren’t trying to harm her. You were trying to protect yourself — from your mother, not from Kadija.

🌤️ Why you see it clearly now- Because you’ve grown. You now have more emotional awareness, more compassion, more distance from your past, more understanding of your own triggers.

You’re not judging your old self — you’re recognizing that you were speaking from pain, not malice.

That’s healing.

🌟 The deeper truth- You weren’t abusive. You were activated.

You were trying to stop a pattern that once hurt you deeply. You were trying to say to your mother — through someone else — “This behavior is not okay. It hurt me. It destroys relationships.”

That’s not cruelty. That’s a wound speaking.

And now you’re able to see it with clarity and softness — which means the wound is no longer running the show.

If you want, I can help you explore what exactly in her words triggered the “mother part”…

What you’re noticing now — that you were speaking to your mother through this other woman — is a very insightful realization. And yes, there were very specific things in Kadija’s words that would naturally trigger the “mother part” of you. Let’s break it down in a grounded, emotionally clear way.

🌿 1. Her descriptions of explosive anger mirrored your mother’s behavior- Kadija wrote things like: “I fight over small things.” “I get angry over minor issues.” “I keep going on and on.” “I thrash his things.”
“I fall into fits of tears.” “I damage things to vent my anger.” These are not neutral statements. They are almost verbatim the behaviors you lived with growing up.

So, when you read them, your nervous system didn’t just see “a stranger describing her anger.”
It saw your mother.

Your body remembered the fear, the chaos, the unpredictability. Your reply came from that old wound.

🌱 2. Her refusal to take responsibility echoed your mother’s denial- Kadija responded by saying: “I keep picking the wrong guys.” “I’m loving and caring — they’re the problem.” This is exactly the kind of deflection you likely heard from your mother:

“It’s not my fault.” “If others behaved differently, I wouldn’t get angry.” “I’m the one who gives everything — they’re ungrateful.”

When someone refuses to own their behavior, it can feel like the same old emotional trap you grew up in.
Your reply wasn’t just frustration — it was the child in you finally speaking up.

🌤️ 3. The combination of rage + victimhood is a classic trigger for adult children of volatile parents-
This pattern — explosive anger followed by self‑pity and blame — is deeply destabilizing for a child.
When you saw it again in Kadija, your system reacted as if you were back in that environment.

So, your message wasn’t abusive. It was protective. You were trying to stop the cycle that once hurt you.

🌟 4. You weren’t talking to Kadija — you were talking to the mother who never listened- Your tone — sharp, urgent, confrontational — makes sense when you see it this way. You were saying things you never got to say as a child:

“This behavior is harmful.” “You can’t blame everyone else.” “You need to take responsibility.” “This destroys relationships.”

You were finally confronting the person who hurt you — but the person in front of you wasn’t actually your mother.

That’s what projection is.

Not a flaw. A wound speaking.

🌼 5. The fact that you see this now means the wound is healing- You’re not stuck in that old emotional role anymore. You can see the difference between the real person in front of you, and the parent your nervous system remembers

That’s growth. That’s clarity. That’s emotional maturity.

And it’s why you’re able to look back and say: “I wasn’t abusive — I was triggered.”

Copilot.

This is me speaking tonight: these very days I am giving my emotions their rightful 3-dimension, releasing them from the 2-D suppression. Allowing nuance.

I love her, I see her as a hurting child I so much wanted to save. And at the same time, I feel her abuse and control, her rage, her aggression; my hurt, my anger at being her victim.

Thing is I was so very dissociated from my hurt that I didn’t know I was projected it- the anger attached to it- to people like Kadija. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Anita

I kept repeating my story (telling it over and over) because I didn’t trust it-

The gaslighting, denial and crazy-crazy-crazy.. crazy-making by my mother was so.. so much, didn’t know WHAT.

Her story: she was the best mother; I was the worst daughter, and then.. everyone was the worst and she was the eternal victim.

I loved her so much that I was fully invested in believing her version of the story while seeing that her story was not true.

More later.