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Unhappiness and feeling isolated

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  • #178709
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    i just want some perspective on my situation, I have been single since 2014 after a very hurtful break up from my boyfriend whom I loved very much. Until today I still miss him and think of him even though he’s moved on and in a new relationship. When I was with him I always felt insecure and lost my confidence as we always argued.

    I feel very lonely even though I run a great business. But the loneliness is taking over my life, I am stressed and suffer bad panick attacks at night. I don’t. Talk about it much to families, I put up a front and pretend I’m happy, but I’m not.

    i think about my past relationships were it always ends in break ups and my partners move on and make new realtionships and are not alone like me. I miss having someone to talk spend time with.

    I met someone last year but he drank so much I had to leave him as he’s always broke.

    I also have low self esteem as I never feel I’m good enough, and I feel people never believe in me, even my families doesn’t give me the encouragement even though I’ve done well for myself.

    Lately I’ve been suffering from high blood pressure which is even more of a stress on me. I’ve always been fit and healthy and have always tried to keep everyone happy in my family. Lately I’ve started hating myself as no matter how much I do I’m never appreciated, I always think about others before me..

    I crave a normal life with people who appreciates me. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong that I cannot keep a relationship together, 5 failed long term relationships.  All  My exes have gone off to have relationships with other people but I’m still single and trying.

    i feel there is something wrong with me.

    Hope someone can give me some light on my situation.

    kadija

    #178715
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bernadette,

    Well, you have always managed to (historically) get into new relationships, right? Five relationships is nothing to sneeze at and five long term relationships is nothing to sneeze at either. Which shows you can attract love and you can “do” relationships well enough for them to be long term. So it’s not “you”, it’s more the guys you’re picking.

    You need to find higher quality fellows, that’s all.

    My DH has high blood pressure. I put him on the Mediterranean Diet. Are you taking the meds for it?

    Best,

    Inky

    #178721
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  kadija:

    I read most of your posts since September 2013. This is my understanding:

    Reads like your choice of men is not the best, but there is a behavior on your part that will make a healthy relationship with any man, even a loving, decent man unlikely.

    You wrote on Sept 6, 2013: “My bf use to tell me …I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much…I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf I get into a state were I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears, I don’t know if things get too much for me”.

    Sept 26, 2013: “I see myself always trying to please people, until I have enough and break down….At times he will tell me he loves me but that im not a good person cause when im angry with I smashes his stuff out of frustration, yes ive done these things a couple of times…sometimes I damages things to vent my anger”.

    Your pattern with men is that you do and do and do for them and then you get angry. When you get angry all hell breaks loose. You go on and on … and on, about how much you do for them and  how they do nothing or very little for you in return. You break stuff, kick them out, and then you wonder why your relationships don’t last.

    Again, the couple of guys you describe don’t read  to me like a good choice, but with your pattern of behavior, a loving relationship is simply not possible with any man.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by anita.
    #178731
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    i guess I keep picking the wrong guys who does very little for me, guys who expects a lot from me and rarely show appreciation.   Of course I am a loving and caring person, and with the right type of loving guy I could have a loving relationship.

    t’s just that I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.  I have stopped dating because I always see myself with man who’s got truckload of problems, it seems I attract them like magnet.

    #178737
    Defined Sight
    Participant

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I know from personal experience anxiety can lead down a very unhealthy path and really do a number on your health. One of the best ways to cope with anxiety for me was getting a dog. Adopted an older one, 4 yrs old, and he did so much for my health! Forced me to go on walks And get out there! Self love came along the way as well getting more into faith. Having routines and a church also helped my anxiety.

    #178833
    Gev
    Participant

    Dear Khadija,

    I am new to this forum as I have just joined tinnybuddha today.

    My feeling about the issue that you are facing is that there seem to be lot of focus on the behavioursof others rather than examining your own style of interaction. You are certainly investing a lot by doing many good things for others but it seems that your own expectation in return are also very high from them. When these expectations are not met you change into angry person breaking things etc. This might be resulting into disenchantment in other.

    This sort of attitude is perceived as self-centredness. The fact is that in any relationship  respect, trust & love are to be earned and not demanded. I am sue ou will examine this aspect without any prejudice.

    Gev

    #178877
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kadija:

    In my last post to you I wrote to you: “Your pattern with men is that you do and do and do for them and then you get angry. When you get angry all hell breaks loose. You go on and on … and on, about how much you do for them and  how they do nothing or very little for you in return. You break stuff, kick them out, and then you wonder why your relationships don’t last.”

    I based what I wrote on reading most of your posts since September 2013. I gave you these quotes: “I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much…I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf..I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears…sometimes I damages things to vent my anger”.

    In your reply to me, following that post, you wrote: “i guess I keep picking the wrong guys who does very little for me, guys who expects a lot from me and rarely show appreciation.   Of course I am a loving and caring person, and with the right type of loving guy I could have a loving relationship s just that I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.”

    You conveniently closed your eyes to what you do wrong  in the relationships (with men, perhaps you have done so with your children as well), and focus on the idea that you get involved with the wrong  guys. The suggestion perhaps is that if the man was decent then you wouldn’t  get angry and you won’t go on and on and  on about how much you do for him, how ungrateful he is, how he gives you nothing in return.. and break his things.

    Problem is, there is no … right man who will appreciate you enough, reciprocate enough. Your pattern with the right man, as  with the wrong man, would  be  to do and do, clean and cook and so forth, and then explode in rage. This is your pattern, your behavior, and it  is for you to own.

    Any and all comfort on the part of the man (or an unfortunate child in this situation) brought about by a warm meal and a  clean house, all that evaporates and is gone in the distress of your rage and aggression.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by anita.
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