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Unsure of where I stand

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #225279

    knowledgeispower
    Participant

    So a couple of weeks ago I met a lovely guy on a music course where I didn't know anyone. Handsome, kind, charming…he seemed perfect. A few nights in, after a few glasses of wine, we slept together (it was my first time). It was wonderful and we woke up happy and contented in each other's arms, but decided to behave as if nothing had happened in order to minimise scandal. A few days later we had a chat and decided that it would be best if we just stayed friends for now, and he gave me his phone number before we left. We'd both had fun, and it was clear that we liked each other, at least a bit, but we didn't know each other well enough for a long-distance relationship.

    Initially I felt very happy with what had happened- I'd had a fun encounter with a great guy, after all! But this quickly gave way to a feeling of disappointment that I'd probably never get to sleep with this guy again, nor would I find a good enough substitute. I was smitten with him, and he plagued my thoughts for days after I went home. We texted for a bit the day after the course ended, and ten days later I decided to pop up again in the hope of establishing a friendship; after a bit of nice conversation he suddenly stopped replying. Fast forward two days, still nothing, and he hasn't left my thoughts

    I'm desperate to find some inner peace around this. I understand I'm probably overthinking it, but his lack of response makes me worry I might have put him off in some way. I want to be his friend- more than that, I want to see more of the real him, so that I can get my idealised crush out of my head. What should I do? How can I figure out how he really feels about me- whether he still has feelings for me, whether he even liked me at all, whether he'd want to do it again? We'll be doing another course together at Christmas and I honestly don't know how I should behave- if anybody has any words of wisdom please let me know…

    #225315

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi knowlegeispower,

    The trouble with sex is everyone pretends to be cool about it. Here's the thing: NO ONE is actually cool about it! Not you. And no, not even him.

    It's going to be awkward around Christmas. I'm not going to lie. Him not responding to you is only making it worse. You reaching out to him is only making it worse. This is not two cool people who had sex (one for the first time) and are cool about it (remember, no one is actually cool about it!). This is a Pit of Awkwardness.

    I advise you say, “Hi Simon (or whatever his name is).” And say it in a one part questioning, one part “Are you OK?” and one part “Why are you not cool with this” tone. Greet him as if his name really was Simon. Then sit down in class and have HIM come to YOU.

    And lastly, make a vow TO YOURSELF that you will ONLY have sex after you are in an established loving relationship.

    You are worth so much more than this.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  Inky.
    #225355

    anita
    Participant

    Dear knowledgeispower:

    We humans are animals first, we operate by the same rules. Our human sophistication doesn't remove us that far from our animal nature.

    In many animal species the male's interest is to mate with as many females as possible so to bring about as many of his genes into the next generation. The female's interest is to allow the strongest male to mate with her so that her offspring are strong and able to survive. So the males shows off his strength via mating rituals, flapping his wings making loud noise, etc.

    In humans there is some sophistication. Behaving in a “Handsome, kind, charming… seemed perfect” way can be just that, a mating ritual.

    He didn't reply to you recently, that is not kind or charming. At the least you know now that he is not perfect.

    Of course, men are also interested in being loved, just like women. Except there is also the animal mating thing going on for many, the sexual urge to mate and the behaving their best for the purpose of mating. There are many men who appear this or that way for the purpose of mating and for no  other reason.

    Got to keep the big picture in mind. What do you think?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #225393

    knowledgeispower
    Participant

    The trouble with sex is everyone pretends to be cool about it. Here's the thing: NO ONE is actually cool about it! Not you. And no, not even him.

    Thanks Inky! I totally understand this- I expect he feels just as awkward as I do. I wish I could just forget him and move on as I'm about to start university, but I can't help but see this as a huge loss. He made me feel safe, and I'm afraid no-one else will make me feel the same way.

    He didn't reply to you recently, that is not kind or charming. At the least you know now that he is not perfect.

    I suppose that's true. Maybe I'm seeing him in the wrong way. Chatting to him as a friend would certainly help me get over the “mating” instincts you describe.

    #225397

    anita
    Participant

    Dear knowledgeispower:

    Yes, chatting to him as a friend, that is, getting to know him will give you that knowledge that is power, as your user name indicates.

    anita

    #225399

    knowledgeispower
    Participant

    Yes, chatting to him as a friend, that is, getting to know him will give you that knowledge that is power, as your user name indicates.

    So what would you advise I do? I feel like texting him again would look a bit desperate as I've always been the one starting the conversations- I get the feeling he's not an active communicator. We live miles apart so there's not much chance of us meeting up for coffee…

    #225403

    anita
    Participant

    Dear knowledgeispower:

    I will be away from the computer and back in about 14 hours. I think I understand your distress and hope there is a way for you to get to a place of peace of mind soon.

    I am wondering, isn't texting a short-messages kind of communication (I don't text), and do you have his email address which allows for longer messages?

    If you were to send him a longer message (including in it a question or a few questions), what would the message be: you can practice here with writing such a message. I will be glad to read it and give you my input when I am back.

    anita

     

    #225423

    Mark
    Participant

    There is a Buddhist concept which tells us that everything is temporary and when we try to hold on then that is what causes us suffering.

    I have had people in my life that I felt I had a deep connection with and then they ghosted me.  It caused me pain, disappointment, resentment and anger.  I realize those are all my interpretations which caused those feelings.

    I try to take comfort that we are each are on our own journey and when we do intersect our lives then appreciate those moments for they are fleeting.  Each of us have our own baggage, wounds, values, beliefs which we carry with us.  This sometimes drives our journey.  I don't expect others to completely understand mine and I don't pretend to understand theirs.

    Acceptance of what is (see Byron Katie's work on this) is what helps brings acceptance.

    Let go and move on.  Easy to say, hard to do.  Sit with your emotions whether grief or disappointment.  Act on taking steps to be happy and live your life.

    Mark

    #225479

    knowledgeispower
    Participant

    I am wondering, isn't texting a short-messages kind of communication (I don't text), and do you have his email address which allows for longer messages?

    You are right, though as we're both quite young email isn't really something we'd normally use for even longer messages. It would feel too formal.

    If you were to send him a longer message (including in it a question or a few words…)

    I'll try it out here:

    Hi [?],

    Hope you're OK. I had lots of fun on the course this summer. I know we talked about this a while ago, but there are a lot of things I feel I didn't manage to clarify with you. First of all, I want to know how you felt about me then, and how you felt about me now. Second, I want to know if you're really OK with us staying in contact as friends. And third…I'd really love to get to know you a bit better! You seem like a great guy.

    Hope that helps…
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    #225481

    Prash
    Participant

    Dear knowledgeispower,

    To know about the other person, questioning is the best way as you have planned to do. When you ask him the questions, you are not doing it because you are desperate rather I would see it as a proactive step that you are doing to ensure your own peace of mind. And hopefully get some clarification from him so that you can get a move on with your life and studies.

     

    #225491

    anita
    Participant

    Dear knowledgeispower:

    I will repeat your share in my own words, using quotes (it helps me process information when I do that) and then I will give you my best understanding:

    About two weeks ago you met a man during a music event, “Handsome, kind, charming… he seemed perfect”. A few nights after meeting him, following some wine, the two of you had sex. It was your first time. You woke up the next morning “happy and contented” in his arms. Then the two of you agreed to “behave as if nothing happened”, to stay friends, and to not pursue a long distance relationship (he lives miles away from you) following the music event.

    There was some texting the day after the event that you initiated, I understand. Ten days later you initiated more texting which he finally stopped replying to. It has been two days since your last unanswered text or texts to him.

    Initially you “felt very happy with what had happened”. Following little texting, then silence, then a bit of texting and silence again, you feel disappointed, distressed and “desperate to find some inner peace around this”. You worry that you “might have put him off in some way”.You wrote: “(I) see this as a huge loss. He made me feel safe”.

    My input: it will not be pleasant for you to read and consider what I write next, but long term, if you consider what I write and if you believe what I write makes sense, it will be for your benefit to read through. Your mental health depends on you seeing reality as it is. You are about to start university soon, a new beginning. Better not carry make-believe thoughts, unrealistic hopes and dreams that will take your focus away from this real new beginning that is about to take place.

    It is difficult for a young woman to imagine that what was so very meaningful to her, what felt so incredibly wonderful can mean something different for the man involved. You asked in your original post: “How can I figure out how he really feels about me- whether he still has feelings for me, whether he even liked me at all, whether he'd want to do it again?”

    My answer, you can figure it out by looking at his behavior: he did like you during the experience with you when it happened, at the time  it happened. He liked you, felt sexual attraction to you, then he felt sexual satisfaction and overall had a better day as a result of the night with you. Then he moved on and away from the experience. How do I know? Because he told you that he wants to behave like nothing happened, because he expressed to you a disinterest in a long distance relationship (living miles away), and because he didn't initiate texting with you, and then stopped replying altogether.

    He told you that he wants to be friends. The fact that he didn't initiate texting indicates to me that he didn't mean really that he wanted to be friends. Men and women often say to an interested party that they want to be friends so to soften the blow of not wanting to be in a relationship with that person. Often enough, lets-be-friends means I-don't-want-to-be-your-boyfriend.

    Regarding the safe feeling you had with him, that was just a feeling, a powerful, convincing feeling, but still, just a feeling. Not reality. So many, many women felt safe in the arms of men that in reality made their lives worse, not better, not safer.

    Your safety, relative safety is in your career planning and execution, starting with attending university soon. It is in making wise choices for yourself not only career wise, but with men. Separate feelings from reality and evaluate men and situations as they are. Don't assume that what you feel is what he feels. Don't assume a good feeling that lasts for you will also last for him. Better take some time getting to know a man before getting physically involved with him.

    Let's look at the note exercise in your recent post:  you wrote to him, “Hope you're OK”- he probably is okay. “I had lots of fun”- so did he, past tense. “there are a lot of things I feel I didn't manage to clarify with you”- likely he is not interested to know those things. “I want to know how you felt about me then”- he liked you, was sexually attracted to you, enjoyed your company and the experience with you. “how you felt about me now”- he's moved on, you are a girl he had a thing with, past tense. “I want to know if you're really OK with us staying in contact as friends”- he didn't mean it when he suggested to be friends. “I'd really love to get to know you a bit better”- I don't think he is interested.

    “What should I do?…We'll be doing another course together at Christmas and I honestly don't know how I should behave”

    My answer: do nothing. He didn't initiate texting. He didn't reply to your last texting. Nothing is going on outside your hopes and dreams. If you see him at Christmas, do not redo what you did then, I can imagine your current distress will be doubled if you do a repeat. Don't hurt yourself that way. Learn from the experience best you can. You can feel safe again in another man's arms, and be safer in reality if you get to know him first and if indeed he is a man who will care for you after the sex, a man who in reality will make your life safer and better.

    anita

     

     

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