Dear Peter:

I will reply further in the morning, but for now: please know that I don’t feel at all that your response discounts my perspective. In fact, your reflections and willingness to explore these ideas are incredibly enriching and thought-provoking for me. I’m honored that my thoughts could inspire you to dive deeper into your “soul anger” and its connection to your growth.

Thank you for sharing your journey so openly, and I look forward to continuing this dialogue with you 🤔

anita

Dear Alessa:

I read all your posts on this thread and I want to respond with a poem just for you:

Alessa, a soul that knows the storms,
A heart reshaped, yet still it warms.
Through shadows deep, where anger lay,
You’ve turned to light and found your way.

The anger once silenced now finds its voice,
Gently reshaped into a healthier choice.
From the trials of fear, new strength arose,
A testament to how healing grows.

You long for calm amidst life’s tide,
To stand unshaken, strength your guide.
Though the past may call and shadows cling,
You are learning to soar, the weight of your wings.

Close ones may hurt, and hearts may strain,
But love and growth come through the pain.
In your depth, there’s wisdom profound,
A spirit like yours can’t be bound.

You’re more than fears, more than the strife,
A testament to boundless life.

anita

Dear Everyone:

* I am adding this comment right before submitting this post: trigger warning: Strong emotions are involved in the following, such that may be disturbing to some and not what you feel like being exposed to. So, please proceed with caution.

My lifetime, personal soul anger, the one I want to fully acknowledge and validate so to move on from it farther is and has always been about having been humiliated. What’s another way to put it, to explain what it means to me, to be humiliated (typing as I think- feel):

There is a visceral element to it, to being humiliated, it’s like being held down, forced down under someone’s feet, someone looking down at you with glee over your humiliation, getting pleasure out of it. My humiliation= her pleasure, her victory, however temporary.

Long after her feet are not holding me down, long after her shaming words have first pierced my brain- my soul is, has been- still lying there under feet that are no longer there.

It doesn’t take having a big ego to feel that humiliated. All it takes is being born human.

To have been humiliated to such an extent is not something one can easily disentangle and move on from.

It is such a deep wound to.. to the soul. A deep wound that is followed by soul anger.

I am trying to express this wound and its consequent anger in words when words were not at all involved in this happening.

And to think of so many people experiencing this kind of devastating humiliation, it’s heartbreaking.

I am not talking about a healthy dose of shame, such as “I was wrong, I should do better, be better”. I am talking about the kind of shaming that does not allow improvement, the kind of shaming that leaves no option, offers no solution, no redemption.

it is a wound to the core of the core of the human soul.

There are terror organizations in the world that wound people. That one’s own mother delivers this deep injury is unfathomable.

I mean, my own mother, the image of whom I can see right now, this image of Mother and Monster in One. It’s still hard for me to fathom. It’s an obscene distortion of what should-be.

I mean, how can the way things are be so different and so far from how they should be?

Here I am, this Friday early afternoon, expressing all this, trying to move on, while what it is, is like a mountain looming between me and what’s forward. Make sense of it, I can’t. It makes no sense. Evil makes no sense, yet it threatens to destroy our planet.

Evil is depicted in context of the Roman Empire, Nazism, current terrorist groups. There is not much talk about the beginning of all that evil: that which is experienced behind closed doors, by a child in the face of a mother, or a father, a grown up a child is looking up to.

Maybe there are two kinds of evil: the kind involved in pleasure on the part of the evil doer, and another kind: the kind that is blind.

anita

Dear Peter:

As I read your reflection beginning with ‘Contemplating on my experience of anger,’ I was struck with awe at the depth and beauty of your writing— it’s a quality I haven’t come across in the longest time. I felt truly privileged to witness such talent. Your words painted a vivid scene, allowing me to hear the rhythm of the rain striking the earth and see your face looking out the window. Fittingly, it’s raining here this very morning, and as I look to my right, I can see and hear the drops falling outside, adding another layer of connection to your narrative.

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and profound reflection with me.

The image of anger transforming into a storm, only to have the earth respond with laughter, is powerful. It speaks to the raw intensity of emotions and the realization that, while the world stays unharmed, it is we who feel drained by the storms inside us. That release of emotion seems to have been a moment of change— a shift from turmoil to a search for meaning, like stepping into the unknown “forest where there is no path.”

“I feel undeserved shame is the original sin, not disobedience”- I agree.

James Gilligan, a psychiatrist worked in the prison system for 35 years or so, authored several books, one of which is called “Shame, Guilt and Violence”. Here are a few quotes: “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed or humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed.”

“The more a person is shamed by others, from childhood by parents or peers who ridicule or reject him, the more he is likely to feel chronically shamed, and hypersensitive to feelings and experiences of being shamed, sometimes to the point of feeling that others are treating him with contempt or disdain even when they are not. For such people, and they are the rule among the violent, even a minor sign of real or imagined disrespect can trigger a homicidal reaction.

“The purpose of violence is to force respect from other people…for without a certain minimal amount of respect, from others or the self, the self begins to feel dead inside, numb and empty. That is how the most violent criminals told me they felt, and it is clear that it is the most intolerable of all feelings (though it is actually an absence of feeling, lack of the feeling of pride, or self-love).”

“All violence is an attempt to replace shame with self-esteem.”

From The Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), a Christian educational nonprofit: “I think a much truer description of Adam and Eve’s experience would be ‘original shame.’… We live in a time of primal shame, and we don’t seem to know how to escape it. I find very few people who don’t feel stupid, inadequate, dirty, or unworthy today, even if they do not consciously admit it. When people come to me for counseling or confession, they ask in one form or another, ‘If people knew the things I think, the things I’ve said, the things I want to do, who would love me?’ We all have had feelings of radical, foundational unworthiness. I’m sure they take ten thousand different forms, but the shame is usually there”.

Back to your post, Peter, you ended it with: “what’s Love got to do with it.”- When love is present, it provides the acceptance and compassion needed to confront shame. It allows us to view ourselves not through the lens of failure or inadequacy but through grace and understanding. Love encourages vulnerability, and in doing so, it helps us shed the isolating effects of shame. It tells us that we are not defined by our mistakes or flaws but by our inherent worth.

Love challenges the narratives of shame, creating space for growth and deeper connection. It’s a reminder that being human means being imperfect— and that’s okay.

I want to believe more and more what I typed right above. I want to experience it more and more and share it with others as well.

I am grateful for our conversation and hope it continues.

anita

Hello Everyone!

By everyone, I mean the wonderful people who have posted in this thread and those who may be reading along but haven’t posted yet. This thread is a safe space for you to share your thoughts and feelings, and to give and receive empathy and respect. I would love to hear from you.

You’re most welcome, Alessa—I’m so glad you enjoyed my poem! Thank you, as always, for your kindness and understanding.

You wrote, “For me, I feel like shame is tied to self-blame.” I’d like to explore the connection between shame and self-blame a bit further:

For a child, the idea that their caregiver—the person they rely on for safety, love, and survival—is abusive or neglectful can feel too overwhelming or destabilizing to accept. Self-blame can offer a sense of control, creating the illusion that changing their behavior might stop the abuse. Although this belief isn’t true, it feels less terrifying than facing the unpredictability of having an unsafe caregiver.

Blaming themselves also helps the child protect the image of their caregiver as “good,” even though it comes at the cost of their own self-esteem. When caregivers explicitly blame the child for their own actions, it reinforces the child’s belief that they are at fault, even when it’s completely unjustified.

As adults, even when we intellectually understand that the abuse wasn’t our fault, the emotional patterns of self-blame can persist. These patterns often develop during formative years and become deeply embedded. Phrases like “I’m not good enough” or “Everything is my fault” can become automatic, even when we know they’re not true.

Self-blame often fuels shame—the feeling of being unworthy or defective. In turn, shame perpetuates self-blame, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break. Importantly, both shame and self-blame are not pure emotions; they are shaped by distorted cognitive processes that intensify and prolong the pain.

This rainy Monday morning, as I sit comfortably at my computer, I’m reflecting on my own journey. For me, shame and guilt drained much of the joy from my life, leading to years of joyless living. Now, that’s a shame.

But today, I choose to continue reprocessing these old, distorted ways of thinking. The best I can do is to lift another bit of the burden of invalid guilt and shame off my shoulders. By “invalid,” I mean that the blame and shame I carried were never justified. This burden was placed on me—I didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t true. I was truly a victim.

As children, we often (subconsciously) join our caregivers in blaming and shaming ourselves. Today, I choose to undo that choice a little further, holding onto hope that one day I’ll undo it completely. If I can imagine freeing myself from all of it, then I know it’s possible.

anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for your kind words—they mean a lot. I’m glad the post got you thinking, and I admire your courage in sharing your experience. I’m so sorry shame has caused such pain in your life, but please know it was never your fault.

Balancing self-protection with self-compassion can be tough, but even small steps toward kindness to yourself can make a big difference. You deserve the same compassion you show to others. Sending you strength and care ❤️

anita