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Vacation heartbreak…9 months later

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  • December 27, 2025 at 6:47 am #453398
    Squiggly pop
    Participant

    I really want to get this off my chest and would like a perspective on whether I’m experiencing limerence or something more.
    It’s been over 9 months since I met this great person while on vacation. Although our time was incredibly short and strictly a vacation romance, I felt something deeper towards the end. I sensed that they felt differently too. I knew this wasn’t going to work, but I confessed my feelings anyway. They gently let me down, saying they couldn’t do a long-distance relationship but mentioned they would try to visit me in the future, which is totally fair.

    Since then, life has continued, and we’ve remained friends, but we’re slowly fizzling out both in conversations etc. I held back and try not to chase them, and just let the conversation fizzle, because i know there is no point. Throughout this time, I’m trying so hard to move on and forget them. I went on dates, got back into my routine, and taken little weekend trips, completely bucket lists. While I’m making strides in my life, my heart still aches, and I can’t stop thinking of him. I might be successful for a couple of days, but then he pops back into my thoughts again.


    I put on a brave and happy front, every time I think of him, it feels like heartbreak, and I just want to move on or at least stop feeling so much hurt. I’ve read countless articles about how to move on from a vacation romance and how I should look back fondly, but the reality is that deep in my heart, I still cannot. I’ve tried to restrict him and mute his stories, but I can’t stick to it for long, and my mind drifts back so now I just left it as it is. I spoke to my therapist about it, but I feel embarrassed discussing this topic any further because she just told me some very gender stereotyped things which I don’t really agree with.

    I’ve been able to date, but I can’t help but compare my bad dates to them, putting them on a pedestal. Part of me still create those ludicrous what if scenarios in my head and continues to hold on to some ridiculous hope that I’ll see them again next year since I was planning to travel to their country anyway and maybe rekindle what we had. I know I’m fantasizing over a memory, and that this person might not reflect their true self back home.


    Despite telling everyone that this is a great love story I have, I’m still hurting months later. I’m embarrassed to continue to share this with friends because of how long it has gone on (i already shared with them in the beginning). I’ve tried changing various situations in my life to feel more at peace, but I still feel discontent. I haven’t experienced this intensity in feelings for so long—especially after years of unsuccessful dating and brief surface relationships since my last significant breakup almost five years ago. Discovering that my ex married someone I suspected was part of our breakup stung tremendously earlier this year.


    Part of me wonders if this person triggered something profound in my life that has left me reeling from shock.
    Thank you for listening. I would love to hear any stories or words of encouragement. ❤️

    December 27, 2025 at 9:50 am #453408
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Squiggly Pop

    Perhaps you are grieving the reality that dating kind of sucks? 🩵

    It sounds like your heart might be opening up for a potential partner again after your previous serious relationship? And there is a bit of longing there, for a person of your own? 🩵

    It sounds like you know that the holiday romance is in the past, but a holiday romance with no strings attached is much nicer more exciting than the bog standard and at times grim dating experience at home. It is a nice fantasy. If only it were reality?

    Perhaps there is a reluctance to deal with the difficulties which come with dating at home? And of course, it comes with the idea of risking getting your heart broken again. Not just missing a holiday romance, but real pain that comes with long term relationships. What do you think? 🩵

    December 27, 2025 at 12:56 pm #453416
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Squiggly Pop:

    I was thinking along the lines of what Alessa wrote (before I read her reply). There is something safe in an unlived romance (post the vacation romance): you can experience the love, the longing without the risk of real-life challenges.

    Limerence often happens in a space where the connection is imagined, idealized, or limited. Because of that: there are no real-life conflicts, no disagreements, no mismatched habits, no awkward conversations.

    The other person stays perfect in your mind. You’re responding to an idealized version of them, not the full, complicated human.

    And you control the narrative- your mind fills in the gaps with what feels good, comforting, or exciting. You don’t have to reveal your flaws, needs, or fears in the way you would in an actual relationship.

    In that sense, limerent love can feel safer than real love because it exists in a protected mental space where nothing challenges it.

    It’s emotionally safe in the way a daydream is safe: nothing can hurt you there. But it also means: it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t deepen, it doesn’t get tested, and it doesn’t become mutual intimacy.

    It’s like holding a beautiful glass sculpture—untouched, untested, and unbroken because it never really leaves the shelf.

    Real love involves negotiation, disappointment, repair, shared responsibility, and mutual vulnerability.

    Limerence is more like a spark that doesn’t have to face the wind.

    I’ll end this post the same way Alessa ended hers: What do you think?

    Anita

    December 28, 2025 at 2:11 am #453441
    Squiggly pop
    Participant

    Dear Alessa,

    Thanks for your kind response! I think you are right, there is definitely longing there, and i been feeling more and more so especially this year. I attended several celebratory events and just seeing couples together just reminds me how…i guess lonely i felt. i know i don’t need to feel lonely, caus i have strong supporting network of friends (many of whom are already in stable long term relationships for years) whom i can rely on if i feel lonely, but i don’t think they understand how i feel really. Of course i am happy for them and i will always root for them, but i can’t help but think where is that person for me?

    In terms of dating at home, it’s another very good question you have raised and i actually discussed with my therapist. and there might be something related to the fact i feel discontent with my own home city and at the back of my mind i want to be away from this place. (Covid changed my life plans and somehow i am here again).

    Thinking back to what they and i shared was definitely an escapist fantasy to stressful/ unsavourful moments in my life. and some how i still want to stay connect with this person, because partly i am terrified of losing this precious connection, partly because of something else i am not too sure about. I see his updates and i wanted to reach out (i know they will always reply me, but whats the point?)

    sorry about this rant, thanks again for listening, i really appreciate it.

    December 28, 2025 at 2:20 am #453442
    Squiggly pop
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you too for taking the time to reply me – i really appreciate it!
    I guess I just feel sad that something like that could never develop, and i know full well we all have flaws and not perfect human, but i haven’t even got the chance to experience that and it was shut down already. I was fully prepared to go through all of this again and as you have suggested already, all real vulnearble relationships that would have to go through.

    i want to exit this narrative. i want to just be free and enjoy life and honestly i feel like if we have dated and i find out we are a terrible match, i would have felt better and would be able to close the book and move on, rather than living in this limbo that is what i have created in my head. And this limbo in my head i had us reconnecting even years later or them changing their mind and wanting me…

    The fact that they are always friendly when i reach out, and even when i mentioned i will visit their country they mentioned they will help me look at tickets etc, sometimes checking in on me, allowed myself to create false hope and impression. i wish i can be that cool person where we can share little harmless flirting between each other and never pick up those feelings, but at the same time i feel like these feelings are real…and i couldn’t even remember if it hurt as much when i broke up with my ex then ( maybe i was surpressing my emotions)

    thanks again for listening and allowing me to have this space to vent
    Squiggly pop

    December 28, 2025 at 12:34 pm #453462
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Squiggly pop:

    You are very welcome!

    “I don’t think they (friends, “many of whom are already in stable long-term relationships for years”) understand how I feel really… I feel discontent with my own home city and at the back of my mind I want to be away from this place.”-

    The guy may be your way to feel connected in a disconnected context of your friends and home city.

    I think that you strongly need a special 1- to- 1 connection, someone who will really understand how you feel.

    I would like to understand more about how you really feel..???

    🤍 Anita

    December 28, 2025 at 1:05 pm #453468
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Squiggly Pop

    Wow, so you are in limbo not just in dating, but in life? 🩵

    Since Covid changed your plans and led you back home, perhaps it might be time for you to dream up some new plans? It sounds like you don’t really want to settle where you are? No wonder you feel lonely. Even with dating, since you don’t really plan on sticking around. It adds an extra layer of tension. If you did find something, you might have to stay or break up, with only a slim chance of success.

    It is natural to want to find your person. Not only your person, but build your life in a way that makes you happy. 🩵

    At the moment, this escapist memory is the only kind of link to your dream to a life elsewhere. Not to mention, the romantic and exciting nature of a holiday romance. It is free of all of the current pitfalls in your life. A chance of a dream that you long for, which has been closed to you. How frustrating!

    I wonder, what it is about your home that you don’t enjoy? 🩵

    December 28, 2025 at 11:53 pm #453489
    Squiggly pop
    Participant

    Hi Alessa,

    thanks again for replying! I wasn’t supposed to come back, and i didn’t want to, Covid changed my life plans and i think with that ex we were talking about marraige, moving in together and we had life plans, and because of covid a lot of things changed and i was left to figure out what to do. I still want to leave, but now i have the pressure of aging parents (who are already majorly hinting that we would be looking after them) and my type of job is not as easy to find in other countries (unlike medicine etc.) I dreamt of to be honest, not being in my current home city when i retired and i don’t see myself to be honest having a family here due to very high cost of living and extreme pressure to succeed in societies. I love my friends and this city is my home, but i don’t feel comfortable in it – so much so that i look for places to “escape” to whenever i have long holidays, as if i just don’t want to even be here.

    December 28, 2025 at 11:57 pm #453490
    Squiggly pop
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I would love to have that 1 on 1 connection, and it is so rare for me to find. Don’t get me wrong, i love my friends and they are all here for me whenever i reach out to them, but i struggle to find my peace within the city. I think what i had with the guy was a complete ease and (clearly holiday romance, and clearly holiday mode) i felt no pressure and i can just be by myself. In this city i feel stressed all the time, micro stresses etc adds up. I have a lot of ways to decompress but every day is stress on top of stress, i wish i can be like those expats/ transplants to my city where they clearly are enjoying living, whereas i feel like i am just worrying and struggling (mentally, and probably financially) to live constantly.

    December 29, 2025 at 2:00 am #453493
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Squiggly pop

    There are definitely some interesting dynamics going on for you City, parents, job, & relationship.

    Has there ever been a place you have visited that you felt deeply connected to? If so there is a lovely website called workaway where you can either choose & or a location /job you fancy having a go at. Then you stay with real people & get bed & board in exchange for about 20+hrs a week work so it is a mini living experience rather than the unreality of a vacation experience.

    Do you have siblings? If so now might be a good time to have “The Conversation” of who is going to do what & when around your ageing parents care needs. If no-one is going to step up, then most if not all of their assets will be needed to take care of them & the children may even also have to help out financially.

    If you start to think of a romantic relationship as a bonus to your general sense of wellbeing /happiness rather than foundational to your happiness there will be more joy & less loneliness in your current life. Chemically nearly everyday we have a dip in our moods once you can see/pinpoint it then it is easier to accept & see it as part of life’s natural rhythm.

    Assess what is truly important, the kind of job you want , is it for status, large financial gain, are you concerned at all about the ethics around of the line of work you want to do?
    Kind regards
    Roberta

    December 29, 2025 at 10:02 am #453518
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Squiggly pop:

    Is a big part of your 😩 stress (using my phone these emojis show up in response to my words)-your parents “majorly hinting” That you will take care of them in their old age?

    Does it feel 🤔 that you haven’t yet lived your life enough (a successful romance, marriage, or traveling the world, adventure) before you “have to” be aging parents’ caretaker?

    My greatest stress in life has been my mother.. majorly hinting that I owe her my life, or my freedom, really. I felt trapped, and thing is, 😕 any human/ animal being trapped, or feeling trapped gets very stressed.

    Your thoughts..?

    Anita ⁹

    January 1, 2026 at 5:24 pm #453712
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Squiggly pop?

    January 5, 2026 at 2:19 pm #453850
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Squiggly Pop

    Happy New Year! 🩵

    I hear you. My favourite part of vacation is just ignoring all of the stress back home and pretending it doesn’t exist for a while. 😂

    It’s a beautiful little bubble. You might need another vacation. 😂

    It is a shame that life is so stressful and expensive in your city. 🩵

    I find compartmentalising helpful. I try to only think about the immediate things on my to do list and ignore the other stuff as much as possible. That is future me’s problem.

    It sounds like you have a lot of hopes and dreams, but it seems like a lot is holding you back? 🩵

    When life is challenging it is easy and comforting to daydream about something more appealing. Perhaps it might help you to set some smaller more achievable goals in the short term? Small wins as they say. It can make life a little brighter. ☀️

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