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Was any of your parents good-enough?

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  • This topic has 87 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 90 total)
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  • #86321
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pomplemous:

    Are you saying that if a child suffers from inadequate parenting in childhood, that it prepares the child to suffer well in adulthood? Can you elaborate?
    anita

    #86324
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Mmmm…. no. I think.an element of temperament comes into it. I’m a naturally positive person. My brother didn’t fare as well as I did, sadly.
    But… I’m saying it’s one of the many ways to look at it.
    Personally I don’t want to feel sorry for myself . It’s not going to get me anywhere .. this thing thing you’re seeing in my posts is he first time in my life that I’m actually looking at the past rather than glossing over it.

    I’m saying I wouldn’t be my strong person if I hadn’t gone through it and I like me. I never ever talk about my past with people. This us my first time making sense of it. It’s painful in places but I’m excited that I’m growing. But I won’t feel sorry for me, maybe feel a bit sorry for those children thst we were bsck then but… I wouldn’t want to not be me. I’ve still got a lot of growing and refining to do but….I just don’t want to not be me and it didn’t do me any harm to go through thst to get here …. only cos I survived though .. the carnage that followed.

    #86326
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @newlife123 – not sure if its right to post this here but i felt that perhaps you might identify with some of this:

    https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-be-raised-by-a-narcissist

    #86327
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pomplemous:

    What you are saying is that your sense of identity is in being strong, being able to survive pain and triumph the way you have, that you do not see feeling empathy for yourself as a self promoting exercise, that you don’t want to lose what you have and you are afraid of losing it. If so, your position is consistent with previous postings of yours.

    I would not argue with strength- you feeling strong, there is nothing to top that! I mean, why would anyone challenge or risk strength? It is only if a person is distressed enough, weak enough, the “rock bottom” concept that motivates a person to turn inward and feel that hurting child, that perceived weakness.

    Interesting that these are your first looking into your past! See then as little as will be helpful to you, I mean, this is what you are doing, correct? Seeing just the little that may be helpful and none of what may endanger your sense of strength..?

    “the carnage that followed.” – I wonder what you are referring to here… but it is okay for me to wonder a little without knowing.

    Thanks for your answer.

    ANYONE ELSE WOULD LIKE TO ANSWER THE THREAD’S QUESTION?

    anita

    #86328
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you Moongal. I appreciate you thinking of me liking this link. I read … everything there is to read about narcissistic mothers. There are a few websites, one is http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com, a very active one at the time (I wasn’t a member on any of those). My mother STRONGLY displayed the characteristics listed under Narcissistic, Histrionic and Borderline Personality Disorders, as strong in all these three categories. Oh, the histrionics… I can hardly believe I survived that…Mercy on that little girl that I was.

    anita

    #86339
    Snails
    Participant

    If I wanted to make myself feel down, I could by focusing on the bad stuff from childhood – but what would I achieve, to keep reliving it?… after you’ve learnt as much as possible, got as much as you can from it?

    When I read the words -strength, resilience, that they wouldn’t be the people they are today.. someone they are glad to be – that seems to me to be such a good place they’ve led themselves, or what you could pay someone to help you achieve. When you know in your heart that there was positives that came from negatives, is it not easier to thank your inner child to of experienced this/ live through this, for you because you now are the person you are today?

    Besides the above, another thing I’m happy I gained from my childhood is a low happiness threshold, it doesn’t take all that much to make me happy and feel content. Mostly the way I see it is, I’ll probably live to be in my 80’s and if I were to be granted one wish I wouldn’t use it to change my childhood when I’ve got so many years in front and just going down to the Mega Office Supply shop is fun for me?

    Anita I’ve read a lot of your posts, you came across very caring. I’m glad you were strong enough to of survived your childhood. Are you glad you are the person you are today? living the life you are living today?
    I hope you are having a content and happy day today.

    #86340
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Snails: can you be less indirect, Snails? What I am hearing you say is, grow up! Man up! Get over it! Leave the past alone. You are causing your own problems.

    anita

    #86342
    Snails
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I feel I have hurt you, I am sorry it was not my intention. I was sharing how I felt about my bad childhood (except for the last paragraph and I’ll get to that a bit later) what I feel I learnt from it. I still deeply believe that if you experience something bad, be it short term or long, you should think about it, feel it experience it.. but mostly what can I learn from it. Learning from it gives it at least some purpose. I feel this has helped me.
    I asked ‘what would I achieve, to keep reliving it?… after you’ve learnt as much as possible, got as much as you can from it?’ maybe could you please answer that for me ?… I can not see how that can help if I’ve already learnt as much as I could already, it only spoils my today.

    My own mother, I wish she had learnt this, learnt that her childhood was her childhood, her past… that reliving all that hurt and dumping all that dirt on her children doesn’t Help. I wish she had learnt all she could from it, experienced it all so she would could of moved past it all. She’s over 65 and still hasn’t (even with talking to professionals) I have limited contact with her because she still, gets in her moods and dumps and dumps. She will never understand she kills today when she thinks about yesterday. She will not let go of the anger and hurt, but hurts herself today with it.

    I can’t begin to understand all the hurts you have suffered as a child. You replied to another user name, I used once, and you used a very strong negative word to describe my childhood, that was kind of you especially since I believe you endured much more.

    Anita the last paragraph again? Are you glad you are the person you are today? living the life you are living today? Are you?

    #86354
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita, I will check this out. I am trying to understand a bit more now and perceive less. I am sorry its been so difficult and admire your resilience to go on, be caring and compassionate despite it. The only thing I can say is my heart goes out to those who’ve had to suffer and survive through this, especially with their parents of all people. It makes me incredibly sad honestly.

    #86360
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita: bang on the money there my girl.

    I must thank you because it helps to have someone paraphrase my wittering as ot helps me check I believe what I just said and am not just do saying that . I do admire that in you that you delve in with people. You’re a caring helping person

    Please may I ask you… gently.. let’s just take your post as an example, you delved in directly with me and I had to re look at what I thought I meant. .. what happened with snails post where it was felt to be a bit direct. May I ask the feelings that happened in you when you felt those other words were the subtext? Theres no judgement, you’re allowed to feel everything you feel but I thought I’d like to ask … or wonder… do you carry these thoughts around with you? Who was doing thd talking there? Which Anita? X

    #86362
    jock
    Participant

    I think narcissistic control freaks and neglectful drug addicts should not be allowed to have children. But then that makes me judgemental, doesn’t it.

    #86372
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Snails:

    Yes, your comment yesterday did affect me negatively. I read your post above just now. I have a lot to say about the concept of reliving the past. But before I do, and if you are interested in me sharing about that topic, I need to ask you about the question that did trouble me yesterday, the question which you repeated above: “Anita the last paragraph again? Are you glad you are the person you are today? living the life you are living today? Are you?”

    I need to know the context of this question. In that question, you have something to say. It is not just a question, there is a statement there you are not saying. This is why I wrote to you yesterday that you were indirect. This question is a trap, really, because you already have the answer, in your mind, some strong conviction you have that is hiding there, as if waiting for my Yes or No. That conviction of yours is not at all dependent on my answer. It is already there. So, please, say it. Just state it. That would be direct and honest and I will appreciate direct and honest and gladly respond to it.

    anita

    #86374
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Moongal: thank you for your post. Empathy feels so good…! Thank you again.

    Jack: I second your judgment here.

    Pomplemous: you noticed my trouble with the post you are referring to (which I answered a few moments ago before reading yours)- good observation! As to your gentle question, it was a bit too gently put for me to fully understand what you are asking. Can you be less gentle and more clear? I mean it, Pomplemous, just what I typed here, I am guessing as to what you are asking, but I honestly, truly am not sure I understand what you are asking. I do appreciate you caring to be gentle with me and do not want you to be rude to me, don’t get me wrong, but I need clarity about what you are asking.

    anita

    #86417
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Ok doke. With love. I read and read and read that post and just could not see what you saw. I saw an invitation of inclusion into the conversation. I saw a genuine interest.
    Now of course everyone reads words wirh different eyes. We put our own tone of voice into reading and can easily misread things for the good or bad, depending on our moods and experiences etc. But I saw a gentle Anita suddenly turn into a backed into a corner, come out fighting cat Anita and I thought oocha. .. something significant was triggered there. I began to wonder if it was truly he other girls words or some memory or feelings of judgement you hold inside yourself you were hearing.

    #86430
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pomplemous:

    Good observations, Pomplemous. I like “fighting cat Anita” that you mentioned, very much so, as long as I fight fair, as long as I am not abusive. And I was not.

    As far as inaccurate projections- I will never get to a place where my projections are always accurate. I will shoot for often, but I am humble. Everything I think is a projection (Anything ANYONE thinks is a projection because all thoughts go through our brain), but some of what i think is mostly an accurate projection and some is mostly inaccurate projection. Now this is the key”: I ASK. Or I express my concern, my thinking, and am waiting for a response. At this point I am waiting for a response from Snail.

    I still read her comment as indirect and somewhat manipulative. I could point to you where I see it, and it is clear to me (it is subtle, not “in your face” kind of things), but that would complicate things. If Snails answers or responds, I will too. If not, issue dropped.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 90 total)

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