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Was any of your parents good-enough?

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  • #86431
    anita
    Participant

    My answer to my question: no, none of my parents was a good enough parent. I believe that the primary function of a good enough parent other than to adequately (not overly) feed, clothe and shelter the child is to provide a SAFE enough environment for the child. To:
    1) Protect the child from himself/ herself, that is to NOT abuse the child, covertly (as in guilt trips & unfair expectations, saying to child the likes of “don’t whine” when empathy is required, being blind to the child’s between-the-ears experience) or overtly: name calling, screaming at, physical beatings, etc.
    2) Protect the child from others, such as abusive siblings, the other parent, strangers, anyone abusive to the child.
    3) Comfort, soothe the child repeatedly when the child is afraid. Look for the worry, concern in the child and comfort again and again (although not anxiously or overly) and be that place where the child feels SAFE.

    Everything else in a parent’s function is secondary to the above.

    #86432
    anita
    Participant

    Clarification for 1) Protect the child from the parent…from those compulsions and impulses and tension and anger that bring forth abusing the child/

    #86450
    Snails
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I had a busy day yesterday and than wanted to sleep on it (I had a very strange dream from it ..so wont go into it xD).

    I see you have written more but I’ve set myself a small amount of time to type this out, I’ve already written in pencil my words (I’ll type below), as I’ve plans for today. But umm… trap, manipulative, prejudging? how would you feel if you were given these words? I will agree I can be indirect sometimes, I thinks that’s more to to do with insecurities than the word ‘manipulation’ , the word you use. It was not my intention for you to feel trapped by my questions. I also will stand up for myself and say I feel you are being more harsh with me than my posts deserved, and I hope you put your ‘fighting cat Anita’ away, I only wish to feed her milk.
    ————————–
    ‘This question is a trap’.. no I didn’t mean this to be, at least on my side of things.. but I do now wonder why you think that is?. I will agree with you in that when people ask questions , people often can / do think ahead on what might be the answer – that’s human nature… as you have also done with my posts.

    So I wonder, are you glad you are the person you are today, living the life you are today because as I have explained in the last post it is my experience that if you talk about the past a lot.. the bad bits (without any benefit as you all learnt all you can already from it), it effects today. I ask because I would like to hear if this is correct for you? I could guess.. but to get your truth, I ask you.
    ‘How do you feel you have come out of the other side?’ – may have been a different way of saying it, but I wonder more specifically than that.. to the questions I asked.

    Since it seems? you would like to hear my subconscious thought on what answers I ‘guess’ you may give? I will say I wonder this as in some of your posts I feel hurt from you still, and it effects your happiness today. I could be way off, that’s why I ask. Maybe you only mention your past and hurts, in a place of healed as much as possible and now share to help open others up so they are more comfortable to share things they haven’t healed enough about to move on from?

    Best wishes

    #86452
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anyone at all/Snail: If anyone understands what Snails has written me in her three posts here on this thread, please explain it to me like I was a five year old. Anyone cares to paraphrase it for me? Snails, if you can summarize the three posts in one short paragraph, just one, make it clear for me… Thank you.

    anita

    #86456
    Snails
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I have been very clear, I find that even though I have been kind to your ‘Fighting Cat Anita’ she has not.
    Perhaps since none of my posts are clear..you might like to write what you think they mean.. as you seem to think I am somehow attacking you?
    I have only been kind to you please show me the same respect!

    #86457
    jock
    Participant

    I’ll have a go.
    Snails asks:
    Anita, are you happy right now?
    My impression is that Anita reminds Snails of her own mother who used to bring up the past and complain about her childhood.
    My view? Anita is not Snail’s mother. Transference? Anita is entitled to complain about her own mother and childhood because she has a lot of credibility on this forum.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
    #86460
    Snails
    Participant

    Jack you effectively shut down any other views on what I was saying – if anyone else saw what I was truly trying to say it, to express it here would now mean they are too are ‘against Anita’
    Truely Anita I have never been against you but probably after the last post when you now say you have never understood any of my previous posts I don’t feel like hugging you as much – I find how you are now saying you don’t understand me at all and asking for back up to be the very things you said about me a ‘trap, manipulative, prejudging’

    #86462
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear all,

    I would say this only – We all are going through our own stuff and let us remember that this is a written medium – the tone, gestural bits of the communication are missing. Saying “Are you happy right now” in a sarcastic tone or in a simple question tone is very very different – There is no way we can gauge that here. No one is here to attack anyone. We’re all trying to help out and gain better clarity about ourselves in the process. With all due respect, lets assume the best and take it in good faith. No point over-thinking this. This is just an online forum at the end of the day.

    Regards,
    Moon

    #86464
    jock
    Participant

    I hope you’re not lecturing me now, Moon. 🙂
    That would be an interesting twist to this thread I admit but your post needs to be more direct as well.
    This is what Anita is getting at. Authenticity and direct language. Good phrasing can avoid confusion and misinterpretation.
    If this is “just an online forum” why bother posting at all?

    How do you know “no one is here to attack anyone”? Can you read their mind?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
    #86467
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Jack, I am lecturing no one – simply saying what I think. People post on online forums to express their thoughts. Why consider its directed at you in particular? I agree on good phrasing but here’s the thing, a lot of strong words were used beyond suggestions of good phrasing before this. Yep, I cant read anyone’s mind and some do attack intentionally to hurt but that isnt the usual case on this forum according to me. I could have been clearer on phrasing and i will work on that.

    However, If someone has clarified that they didnt mean anything bad, why drag it on?

    #86468
    jock
    Participant

    Moon
    Anita asked for clarification. That’s why I posted.
    Now why do I feel like a naughty child in your classroom? 🙂

    #86470
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Snails:

    This is the best of my understanding of your four posts on this thread in context:

    The title of this thread is: “Was any of your parents good-enough?” Your first sentence in your first post on this thread is: “If I wanted to make myself feel down, I could by focusing on the bad stuff from childhood – but what would I achieve, to keep reliving it?”

    Looking at the question, the first sentence is not an answer to the question. Neither is there an answer throughout the four posts by you. The first sentence provides a clue as to why there is no answer: the whole topic makes you feel badly. But you didn’t turn off the computer or go to another thread, you chose to post on the very thread that makes you feel so badly.

    What follows is a mix of sometime honest sharing, such as ” I gained from my childhood is a low happiness threshold” – a sharing about you. At other times you are on the attack. You are on the attack because in your experience of this thread, I made you feel badly (first sentence indicates that).

    But you don’t go on a direct attack. I am using the following image to describe what I mean by the indirect attack you were on in these posts on this thread: if this was a battle field you are moving with lightening speed from bunker to bunker, shooting from one bunker, then running from it (weapon hidden behind back, throwing a rock in the air to distract the attacked), then you get to the next bunker, shoot the weapon again and run again, weapon hidden, throwing another rock in the air so to distract, etc.

    Your fast and furious attacks start with “what would I achieve, to keep reliving it?” the first bullet is: I hate you for making me relive my past? YOU are making me feel bad!

    After that first bullet comes the next: “When I read the word (written by others responding to my thread) -strength, resilience…– that seems to me to be such a good place they’ve led themselves” – the direct equivalent would be: You, anita, are weak, not strong like the other people. You are not in a good place like the other people. They, the other people have led themselves to a good place but not you, anita. You are in a bad place because you are weak.

    Then you run to the next bunker and throw me this rock in the air, a distraction: sharing about your lowered threshold for happiness, and you throw me a flower as well, stating that you are glad I survived my childhood. You do so as you run to the next bunker, doing your best to distract me from the attack which you are engaged in. The next attack follows right away after the “flower”: “Are you glad you are the person you are today? living the life you are living today?” The bullet in these questions, the direct attack is something like: “Shut up, anita, shut the hell up!”

    Next flower, so to speak is “I hope you are having a content and happy day today.” But as you typed it you did not mean it, quite the opposite. It is just a distraction, a manipulation intended to confuse the target so you can safely run to the next bunker.

    And it goes on and on. Fast forward to your last post addressed to me. You wrote there: “Perhaps since none of my posts are clear..you might like to write what you think they mean.. as you seem to think I am somehow attacking you?
    I have only been kind to you please show me the same respect!” I have honored your request in your last post and told you what I think your posts mean. You asked if I think you were somehow attacking me? My answer is, yes, I believe you did attack me and I described above how you did it the best I could.

    As to your claim that you have only been kind to me, that is a lie, a total fabrication- you attacked me and did it indirectly and with no honesty or honor. You tried to distract me with rocks or flowers in the air so I am not prepared for the next bullet, so that I don’t SEE you attacking me, so you can do is safely in hiding (hiding in the next bunker). Those distractions were not kindnesses. Those were parts of your attack on me.

    The benefit for you in this attack strategy is that you get to deny that there is an attack going on. You get to point to the distractions you produced and claim those were kindnesses.

    anita

    #86471
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jack:

    You wrote above: “My impression is that Anita reminds Snails of her own mother who used to bring up the past and complain about her childhood.My view? Anita is not Snail’s mother. Transference..” I didn’t realize this until you pointed it out and am going to think about this as I type here. I went back to Snails’s first post on this thread.

    She wrote: “My own mother, I wish she had learnt this, learnt that her childhood was her childhood, her past… that reliving all that hurt and dumping all that dirt on her children doesn’t Help. I wish she had learnt all she could from it, experienced it all so she would could of moved past it all. She’s over 65 and still hasn’t (even with talking to professionals) I have limited contact with her because she still, gets in her moods and dumps and dumps.”

    My goodness, this is true, Jack, here you amaze me again, this time on a few fronts (in your posts above). Here on the analytical front- indeed. My goodness. That horrible distress of being dumped on. I have a lot to say about being dumped on but not here.

    The other fronts of amazement I experience about your posts here is that you stood up for me. And most appreciated by me is that you stood up for yourself, for your own reasonable analysis and understanding. And you stood up for me- I cannot tell you what it means to me except that I feel tears in my eyes. Some say this is only a cyberspace delusional mode of communication. It is so for those who lie on these kinds of forums. But I am not and you are not. This is real. I am moved and humbled. Thank you.

    anita

    #86481
    Snails
    Participant

    Anita
    I see that you have addressed a post to me..I will not force myself to read any of it, I have no curiosity on what words you use now, nor do I wish to re explain myself again.

    I did read your post to Jack, but was not disappointed, as I no longer see you a kind Anita but by the term you also use ‘Fighting Cat Anita’ , that you had no words of wisdom for him – for his lack of kind words for Moon.

    Jack I hope that one day you will be able to see that how you spoke to Moon was unkind, she was being caring to everyone and trying for reason.

    Dear Moon:
    What you wrote, your words are clear and carry a very good message. I appreciate that you wrote these words for everyone as it does apply to everyone, not only for this post but all posts and the written word in general. Thank you very much for taking the time to try to help out in Tiny Buddha, all the best with everything

    #86482
    jock
    Participant

    Anita

    I see that you have addressed a post to me..I will not force myself to read any of it, I have no curiosity

    um I think snails actually read the post being might curious….but no you’re right I can’t read minds

    Jack I hope that one day you will be able to see that how you spoke to Moon was unkind

    oh god the guilt I suffer now and will forever burn in hell because of my wicked post…. 🙂
    more sneaky manipulations. Anita was right….

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by jock.
Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 90 total)

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