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  • #361469
    Bill
    Participant

    Hello, I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now and from what I knew he loves me just as much as I love him too and we’ve gotten quite comfortable around each other and stuff but recently everything has been weird since he told me about a convo he had with his big sister about marriage, not that he told her about dating me or that he’s getting married to me. Infact, nobody in his fam knows he’s dating someone. He has never introduced anyone. So it was just a random convo between them about how their parent might not be able to bound with someone from another tribe, that he should try to meet people from his tribe/their axis. we’re not from the same tribe and not even close. I asked him if tribal issue wouldn’t be a problem from the start and he said yes but now he said he assumed it wouldn’t be since his parents are learned and he never asked them. So we decided to break up that night because I don’t want to stay in a relationship thats not promising. I couldn’t accept it because I thought it was absurd or that maybe he just wanted to break up, I was just filled with thoughts. Well two days after we got back since we both couldn’t keep away and he also said he going to talk with his parents and see if they would understand him when he travels to see them at the end of the month. I’m still in suspense and whenever I’m with him, the what ifs in my mind keeps me from enjoying time together like we used to. Sometimes it feels like he already knew how its going to end but just wants to keep me around and stuff and I feel like I took a wrong step still being with him but a part of my also feels it could work. What do you think is happening and what do you think I should do? Anybody pls.

    #361484
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bill:

    If your boyfriend will not marry someone without his parents’ approval, and his parents stated that they will not approve of him marrying someone outside their tribe, and you are indeed someone outside their tribe, then you are indeed wasting your time with him.

    “Sometimes it feels like he already knew how it’s going to end but just wants to keep me around”- I find it true in many cases in the context of an arranged marriage society, or where a young person needs his parents’ approval in regard to marriage: the man knows his parents will not approve of a particular woman (because they told him many times who they will not approve of!)- but he stays with the woman so to enjoy the limited time he can have with the woman.

    I can imagine how difficult it is for you, to be in the situation you are in. Feel free to post again and we can talk further, if you want to.

    anita

    #362350
    Bill
    Participant

    Hello @Anita, he just opened up to that he never had any conversation with his sister, but he knows that something like that might happen and that he’s really in doubt about the relationship. Like do I really like him or its cos he’s available or something

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by Bill.
    #362354
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    From personal experience, I can relate to what you are currently experiencing in your relationship. My very first boyfriend (now ex) was always reluctant from the start to tell anyone in his family that he is dating, he never told them about our relationship or any of his previous ones for that matter, and when the time finally came to tell his family then things escalated downhill extremely fast. The relationship had been of one year with half of it being long-distance but throughout the relationship, I too was unease about why he would not tell his family about me. I could never truly enjoy the relationship because my gut feeling always knew there was a reason he was not telling his family and although he assured me they were very liberal and accepting, I still felt something was wrong. I should never have ignored my gut feeling.

    My main learning outcome from that relationship was to always focus on a person’s actions rather than their words. If you feel there might be the slightest chance of you having a future with this current boyfriend of yours then I would recommend you take a break from this relationship until he is ready to have a conversation with his family and is willing to introduce you to at least one family member. During this break, you do not have to see other people rather you can simply put a little pause on the two of you speaking or spending any time together. No matter how many times he says he has had the conversation or that they will be okay with it, I would still recommend that you focus on his actions and have the chance to speak to one of his family members. Right now all you have are his words to trust but when it comes to tribal issues and arranged marriages, words are not enough. Let his actions speak. Since the relationship has only been for 3 months it will be extremely wise on your end to have this cleared right now before the relationship prolongs. You really don’t want to invest more months only to end up with a broken heart.

    Also, from your original post, it seems he told you he had a conversation with his sister but now he is telling you he didn’t? Did he lie to you about this conversation?

    #362356
    Bill
    Participant

    Hello @Noor, thanks for your reply. Yeah he lied about telling me he talked to his sister but what he’s saying now is he’s having doubts about the relationship, that he’s confused about the whole thing and that he cannot to talk his parents yet about it cos I want him to actually find out if they’d actually accept me if things get alot serious.

    #362364
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bill:

    “he just opened up to that he never had any conversation with his sister.. he lied about telling me he talked to his sister but what he’s saying how is he’s having doubts about the relationship”-

    – reads to me that he had doubts about the relationship at the time that he lied to you about talking to his sister, that he wanted to communicate to you that there will be no  marriage with you, but didn’t want to tell you directly, so he made up a conversation with his sister, and told you .. indirectly through a made-up conversation with his sister.

    I am sorry that he lied to you and that he wasn’t honest with you from the start. How are you feeling about all of this?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
    #364355
    Bill
    Participant

    Hello, I’m still on this issue and it hurts that I have to be confused every time. So my boyfriend finally talk to his family about whether he can date someone from another tribe cuz I insisted and what he told me is that they don’t have a problem about it but he feels we ain’t that compatible tho language, i dont let him off my sight(yeah i know im clingy) and all but I told I told him I’m willing to make changes as long as they wouldn’t hurt and they’re not something so serious. Learning a language is fun anyway or so i thought Also, I could remember he once told me he doesn’t see future with me so I brought up again, asking why he said that but all he said is that he doesn’t really know that he just feel that way. Everytime I try giving space, we always end up back together, recently he decided we should break up, it was hard to accept on my part. I even tried negotiating! He suggested being friends. He said he wouldn’t want to make mistakes that he doesn’t see how we can work on our differences. I mean we’ve been dating for just 3 months! As much as I don’t mind getting married to him. Isn’t 3 months too soon for him to conclude that. I really love him, and most times i think he does too. I really don’t want to lose him. Do you think my boyfriend is scared of commitment or he just doesn’t like me enough. And why does he keep calling, talking to me like were still dating!! Do you think I should try no contact rule or we should just be friends. I’m confused

    #364358
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bill:

    If you would like to, re-read my previous two posts to you on this thread and tell me what you think of what I wrote to you July 12 and July 22.

    anita

    #364361
    Bill
    Participant

    Hello Anita, sorry I didn’t quote ur posts. I read them and replied in the recent post.

    “If your boyfriend will not marry someone without his parents’ approval, and his parents stated that they will not approve of him marrying someone outside their tribe, and you are indeed someone outside their tribe, then you are indeed wasting your time with him.” I made him confirm and he said they don’t have a problem with it but the problem is really just with him. As much as I would like to know what’s wrong and see if we could fix things he says he doesn’t even know.

    “reads to me that he had doubts about the relationship at the time that he lied to you about talking to his sister, that he wanted to communicate to you that there will be no  marriage with you, but didn’t want to tell you directly, so he made up a conversation with his sister, and told you .. indirectly through a made-up conversation with his sister” Yes he has doubts and that was when he told me he doesn’t see a future and stuff.

    #364371
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bill:

    In your original post, July 12,  you wrote that he told you that he had a “random convo” with his parents, “about how his parents might not be able to bound with someone from another tribe, and he should try to meet people from his tribe”.

    In your post almost a month later, Aug 10, you wrote: “I made him confirm and he said they don’t have a problem with it”- so he lied earlier, or he is lying now.

    I understand that you are emotionally attached to him, and it seems to me that he is emotionally attached to you, and that is why “he keep calling, talkin to me like we’re dating!” (Aug 10).

    But he lies to you, he lies to you. This is why you are confused (“I’m confused”). There is something more important than emotional attachment, and that is telling the truth. You ask him questions and you take his words as if his words have value. You know how easy it is to say words, as easy as it is for me to type these words to you, the words you are reading right now.

    Don’t take his words as if they were the Word of God.

    anita

    #364423
    Bill
    Participant

    Dear Anita, maybe that I was emotionally attached didn’t make me realize the lies or I just choosed to ignore. I think realizing now would help me move on. Thank you

    #364433
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bill:

    You are welcome.

    I want to look more into what happened, you wrote:  “he told me about a convo he had with his big sister about marriage.. It was just a random convo between them about how their parent might not be able to bound with someone from another tribe.. he just opened up to that he never had any conversation with his sister.. Yeah he lied about telling me he talked to his sister but what he’s saying now is he’s having doubts about the relationship”- when you wrote “Yeah he lied” and then you wrote “but what he’s saying now”- how do you know that what he is saying now is not another lie?

    “my boyfriend finally talked to his family.. cuz I insisted and what he told me is that they don’t have a problem about it but he feels we ain’t that compatible in language”- I doubt that he finally talked to his family. I think he lied again.

    When you ask a person who lies questions, you are likely to get more lies, and when you ask him to confirm something you may be asking him to confirm a lie: “I asked him if.. he said yes but now he said.. he also said.. I made him confirm and he said..”, etc..

    The reason he lied to you: “it feels like he already knew how it’s going to end but just wants to keep me around and stuff“- even a person who lies has needs: to have emotional and physical closeness with another person from time to time, so “he keeps calling, talking to me like we’re still dating!”.

    Don’t allow a man who lies to you to use you for his emotional and/ or sexual needs. When a man lies to you, don’t ask him more questions. There is a common saying I know: “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies”: when you ask a person who lies questions, you are likely to get .. more lies.

    I hope you no longer have contact with him and that you indeed move on. Feel free to post again anytime.

    anita

     

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