Hi.
My girlfriend is now gone, i broke up with her for justified reasons but.. While i shouldn’t.. I still miss her in my life. She was someone i had been open to for several months since we met.
Despite being a dominant, i still did let her free. I thought i had to evaluate her and see how she deals with life on her own before i become vulnerable to her, which i did, but that had caused my utter destruction.
For all the time she got to spend with me, she always kept smiling and she absolutely adored living with me but.. 2 years ago, she had cheated on me when i attempted to breakup with her when i start realising that the relation started dwindling. The thing about my ex is that.. When i give up on her, she instantly turns into, literally, a huge sl*t. She quickly found herself a boyfriend and she slept with him. She then proceeded to made her way back to me but did hide that fact from me because she loved me immensely and never was happy with him.
She was not straight about our status at the time so i was suspicious, until i got the revelations. We still managed, somehow, mainly due to threats and depression.. to get back together, but i’ve been hurt ever since.
I closed up a little and exerted more of my dominance since that incident because i no longer needed to restrain myself. She ended up cheating anyways, so atleast i thought i could behave like normal, like a dominant, and she liked it.. But there’s a downside to this, a terrible one..
Every time we quarrel, she always brings this up and tells me that i’m using her as a slave. She blames me for being the only one responsible of her happiness, and that bothers her. She then goes out clubbing, drinking, dancing and she purposely does all the things that i despise and told her to not do only to get some sort of revenge on me. She also becomes evasive and keeps me dubious about what she does in those periods, but one could expect anything from her.
She claims that that is her way of making herself happy, but she always failed and learned that she needed me.
While i’m hurt, i still comfort her before making the decision of whether to keep her or not after she opposed me and deliberately tried to damage me.. But everytime i rejected her and advised her to stay away, she always told me that she’d kill herself if i left. And we still dealt with that..
Slowly.. Friends and cousins got involved into this. When she was out partying whenever we had a dispute, she had to be with one of her male cousins “who are physically attracted to her” or friends who were against this relation and struggled to fill her up with negative ideas due to my religion and since i’m a foreigner. We still find our way and we make it out.. but today i’ve seriously had enough. I bursted out and gave her a tirade while she was on her way somewhere with this cousin that was clearly up to something as to keep her away from me. Even if she went out, he’d ask her to turn off the phone and focus on him, she agrees and does as he says, which infuriates me, every single time.
I insulted her. Called her names and mentioned many of the bad qualities that she had.
I just couldn’t contain it anymore. I have had too much the past 2 years and i just broke up with her while she was clearly busy and couldn’t respond.
She did admit that she’s a bad person, and that she doesn’t want to work on it. While i said i had to stop this, she replied by saying that i have stopped no one but myself, meaning she’d still go out again and get extremely drunk and do all that she wants. Her answers were painful. All she said was an “ok” or she simply insulted me back. What i noticed is that she didn’t want to stop hanging out with this cousin that i told her not to keep. I know he’s family, but she had to make a choice. Him, or me. And the answer is evident now that we are no longer together. I’m here only so i could understand her personnality and if someone knew someone who behaves like her. All my kindness, love and care were taken for granted and they made me seem weak. The moment i refuse something when she clearly crosses our boundaries, she becomes a bitch and defends herself, which eventually only drives her to do worse, only so she could go against my word and she always tells me “you can do nothing about it” then she runs wild, doing all the bad things she want. I never wished to be against her cousin or friends, but they both have promoted this nasty behavior of hers and i didn’t want them to be around when she’s normal because they could at anytime incite her to do something. They clearly do not care about our relation since they promote her childish behavior and do not work on keeping her safe. We do not live together at the moment, so i am helpless and can do nothing to prevent it but i would’ve if i had my hands on her. Now she’s gone, and despite all of this, i’m sad. Not because of the breakup, but because i loved something in her. She’s an amazing person but i had enough of this switch of mood. I have blocked her while she didn’t say a word but trivial crap that did only shut me off. I don’t know what she’s up to but i’m so fucking afraid of what she could do. I wish to talk to her but i know that won’t solve nothing, otherwise we would have met a resolution during these years. I want her.. But she’s clearly sick and we are not compatible. So how should i deal with this?
How could i forget about someone i genuinely loved?
How could i erase both the bad and good picture of her because keeping any of the two will hurt me equally?
How do i move on with my life? And how do i stop expecting a text from her? It’s not like i loved the pain or discomfort she had caused, but there was something in her that was lovable. I’m afraid i could only move on once i know that she was the one at wrong and that i didn’t fuck up with what i’ve done. And i clearly can’t get the answer from her because next thing she’d do is ask me to be in a relation again with her, or maybe not, since i had never treated her this roughly before.
I know i need to move on but at the very end, when i told her that i’m gonna block her, all she said was “then do it”.
Was it really our end? Will she not try to make her way back?
What do i just do..? Move on and stop being careful for? Depending on my own self and my own future rather than thinking about her?
Best regards!
*If you need any more information, i’ll reveal them right away. I just didn’t want to make this too long for people to read.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Azouz.
• This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Azouz.
• This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Azouz.