A lot of life is trial and error, trying different things and seeing what works best for you at a given time. Part of problem solving is changing how you feel. And part is learning new skills that help you know how to do what you want to do. First, it helps to feel better. Second, to problem solve.

Also, some things may work at one phase in your life but not at another. You may try something, or meet someone, and hate it, or them, the first time, but grow to love them or it later on. What makes something, or someone, worthwhile is that you’ve tried it out and come back to it or them. A lot of growth and learning is a slow process that is hard to see on the surface. Developing new skills, patterns and relationships takes practice, and things and people change slowly. Two steps forward, one step back. Trying this. Trying that. Completely normal and par for the course.

Some practical suggestions which may or may not work for you: 1) working with other people on almost any task (studying, projects, cooking, etc.) is almost always easier than trying to do it alone, 2) having a routine helps, 3) exercise is great for changing your mood (if you find a kind you enjoy and that works well with your schedule, look at classes, not just the gym), if that doesn’t work, try standing in a cold shower or going swimming, that can work too, as can changing your diet, 4) get input from a lot of different people; you can learn a lot, and see common patterns, if you get many peoples’ input, just a few won’t reveal as much, 5) trying the same thing usually gives the same results, so try different approaches.

But here’s what I”ve found to be a real secret (again with the caveat that it isn’t for everyone and may not answer your question). Are you ready? Weakness is good.

You say that you want meaningful relationships. It took me a long time to learn this and understand it. It sounds counter-intuitive. And it’s only after having been through enough big life events and problems that I finally came to see it often enough to understand it. People connect through their weakness, their vulnerability, not through their strength. And often what you see as “strength” is really the nice bits shown with the difficult bits hidden. Many people are more comfortable with that then with vulnerability.

It’s the old story of the greatest sword master in ancient Japan who finds out that there is another master in the country rumored to be greater than he. Baffled and disturbed he jumps on his horse, rides for three days, and finding the other master, spins him around and says, “Do you know? That I could kill you with one blow from my sword?” And the other master, calmly replies, “Do you know? I could let you?”

Now which do you think is harder? Being the one wielding the sword? Or the one allowing the blow? Which takes more courage? Who is more self possessed? Comfort with vulnerability is much harder than what we normally think of as strength. More often than not, though not always, hardness is a defense against fear, not true courage.

It was only after recent experiences where I needed to express things in a very truthful and vulnerable way to people I was distant from that I was amazed at the connection it created between us. And it amazed me to find the goodness and strength in people I didn’t necessarily consider my inner circle. Maybe under the right conditions anyone you share the truth with is someone you can feel connected with. (Of course this comes with the caveat that you and they have to have enough internal development, awareness and comfort with expressing how you feel that you can handle it reasonably well.)

It seems counterintuitive, but think about it for a moment. People who have been around long enough know that life has good times and bad, ups and downs, pain and peace. And most folks know the areas in life that can cause the most struggle: family, relationships, money, health, and most decent people have compassion. It’s something we forget. People have compassion for those struggling with the same things they too have struggled with. People know that life can be hard.

What I’ve come to understand was that I thought if I was really well put together then people would like me. But it is actually when I tell people that I’m in need of help, that they and I bond. This isn’t only true for me. I’ve seen it happen with others. What connects people is understanding and sharing experiences. And hard times bring both.

You want to be accomplished and well put together in order to connect with others, but, actually, it is your imperfections that allow you to be seen by others and loved. This isn’t philosophy. Did you ever wonder why in the movies the protagonist is seen as vulnerable? Even Superman could be hurt by Kryptonite. Luke Skywalker loses his family, his father. And the more mechanical and “powerful” Darth Vader becomes, the less human he is. People can not relate to invulnerable, perfect people. They love others because of their vulnerability and what they struggle through.

The same, by the way, is true of exercise. People assume that strength is in big feats, hard bodies and forceful displays. But actually that is not often true, and quite often there is a hidden cost. It can be true that the greatest physical power comes from gentleness and relaxation. I’ve seen it demonstrated hundreds of times.

If you are looking for relief, try to find people who know the power of gentleness, look in places where these people would be. And then respectfully and honestly tell them the truth.

Power comes from connection, and love. And learning what strength is begins when you can dare to be weak.

Hey Hellaia,

You sound like you’re quite hard on yourself. Maybe even when you don’t feel “weak”. All these things you ought to be doing, and things you’re trying, and things you have to do…?

You’re going to have good days and bad days. Things that help me when I’m feeling weak include:

– Remind myself I often feel really bad, but then the next day or even later the same day I feel ok again
– Stop trying to “fix” it. I can work on ideas to fix things when I’m feeling generally ok, not when I feel like dirt
– Do a small thing that feels productive, but not too much to handle
– Listen to rain (I have recordings)
– List things that are good or that I enjoy
– And, mostly, just accept that I feel bad and I don’t have to feel good right now even though it hurts to feel bad.

I hope that’s helpful to you. Go easy on yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

Dear helleia,
I feel like I understand you very well, I also struggled through a difficult major (but in university) and couldn’t connect to other people as much as I wanted. From what I read in your post, especially from this sentence “However, there are moments when my slowness gets out of hand. It becomes so slow to the point of lethargy and all I can think of are negative thoughts.” I think that you might suffer from depression. Maybe you are allready aware of it, but maybe you think it’s just weakness and can easily be overcome if you “just tried harder”. It’s an easy trap to fall into, thinking that if you only were better, you wouldn’t feel bad. However depression can be very hard to overcome all alone, because it is tricky. For example I am sure a lot of those negative thoughts you have sound reasonable in your mind. As are the high expectations you have for yourself e.g. “I should have been able to adapt enough” “I am annoyed that I still have a hard time to try to join an organization”.

Is there a way you can get counseling at your school? Outside of school? Maybe I am off with my suspicion. Only a real doctor can tell. But I think you could profit from theraphy (CBT is pretty good), to start dealing with your negative thoughts, learn to deal with other people and slowly get out of the lethargy.

Dear helleia:

You wrote: “I don’t want to be someone who’s only always asking for help and not giving anything in return.”-

It is fine with me that you ask for help. You may think that your asking for help is giving nothing in return, but when you ask for help and people try to help you, each person who tries to help you helps themselves at the same time.

You asked what is “the path of least resistance”- the way I understand it, taking procrastinating, since you mentioned it, as an example, is this: let’s say you missed an appointment because you procrastinated getting up early enough and/ or preparing for it. If it is already done- then you don’t beat yourself up for having missed it. You approach the missed appointment with gentleness toward yourself. You are aware you missed it and wish you didn’t, so you are aware of the reality of it, and at the same time you are kind to yourself: ” procrastinated again. I was anxious about keeping the appointment so I didn’t. I need to be kind to myself because I am so anxious.”

If you didn’t miss the appointment yet and can make it, but feel anxious, you make one small movement at a time toward keeping the appointment: one step at a time as you figuratively take your own hand, your scared child’s hand, and walk you through it, quieting her fear regularly.

If you are too anxious, you kind of ask that child within you: “is it too scary?” And if it is, call the place and cancel.

There is more in your original post for me to read but I don’t need to, right now, because the process of healing is about taking one step at a time, not all at once. It is understanding this little piece and then practicing it.

If you understand one little piece and then practice it before moving to the next piece, your pendulum’s movements will also get more and more narrow, moving just a bit- eventually, gradually- to the right and just a bit to the left.

And now that I wrote this to you, when I will miss an appointment, I may very well remember this post I wrote to you and so (going back to my first point here)- I have helped myself.

Thank you in advance!

anita

You are welcome, helleia, anytime.
anita