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what happened in the last 3.5 months?

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  • #85926
    Mya
    Participant

    Hey, so my situation is a bit complicated. Its complicated in a friends’ circle.
    Maybe I will write it short.
    I met some guy 1.5 year ago. He was from my friend’s group. He had a gf but they broke up later. Since then he has changed. He has changed his image, attidute and so one. He did also a lot of thing concerning his adulthood. He moved out, he started his own company, he met new business friends and so one.
    Since february 2015 i saw he has been kind of interested in me. But I was not sure because he was not directly from my ‘friend group’. I was busy with my own stuff, with my own heart problems but whenever I saw him he was looking at me, being very SHY ( even though he is kind of popular in a friend and business circle), trying to talk to me but couldnt, following me and so one.
    We were only meeting at parties.Whevener someone asked about his gfs and i was aroung he was neglecting it he was telling : what gfs, i dont have anyone. He was too nice to me, and bvery nervous when i was around. SO i was like : ok maybe he likes me but even if he is popular – he is too shy…
    We have a common friend, a girl whom i ve known 7 years. He knew him since 2 years. She called him best friend. He called her: a homie or so one.
    Whevener we met up and she was around she was some kind of blocking me from him, disturbing conversations, disturbing time we were spending with each other. Like she would be jealosu of her friend. I dont know why. Like she would not let him talk to me or so one dance or flirt.
    She told me that he had a lot of gfs before and she told me that he is a player a bad boy in a circle of friends.
    But he was helping me with some school stuff, he was being nice to me and so one. Friends were telling he is interested because he didnt behave like this since forever.

    After one party we had and intimate encounter . It lasted about 2 days and later on he invited me over next day, behaving like my boyfriend, being too nice to me. When THAT girl noticed that she was spamming me on facebook next couple of days asking about him, what i feel for him, do i want something. Like she would be and advocate or so one.. Being too curious and sometimes aggresive. She told me that he told her he didnt want anything from me. BUt his actions and behaviour indicated something different….

    So it was one week of silence and i decided to text him about the meeting. He agreed but we didnt meet. In the same time SHE took him to the other city for a party… And after that weekend he didnt answer, he didnt meet up with me. He didnt even tell me he was back in town.

    So there was an issue there and I was a bit upset. Later on we were meeting up several times in the city centre, on parties. Whenever we met he was ignoring me, didnt look into my eyes and so one. Being too nervous like i would do sth to him.

    So i made the atmosphere cold and i didnt contact with him and with anybody. After 1 or 2 months that girl asked me what was going on and i told her that nothing i was busy. She told me that HE was busy as well because she had a contact with him. She is his best friend so she KNOW almost everything- she was saying that.

    BUT i know its not true because he has other friends as well, male friends that he parties with and treats this girl like a male friend…
    So some months passed and we againg were meeting up on parties. He was againg behaving like he would care for me but being shy. I didnt understand that. Because we slept together and i was the one with a courage to asked about the talk and asked to meet up and now he was just bumping in a club inviting me over or asking me what i was doing next days… :)… So weird….

    So after some weeks he invited me over his bday. I bought a present with a friend. He didnt thank for it only me. He was turning his back to me , dodnt notice, was weird. Idk if high or drunk. Whatever.
    Later on someone told me he would win some business in Brasil with his friends. He didnt tell me about it. I didnt know. Now he is there and doing business for 2 months in a film industry. He became kind of popular in there. and I feel weird.
    On his farwell party he didnt talk to me ignored me as well.
    His friend told me : he is shy to you, he thinks you are stressed about it and thats why he is stressed. and i was like WAAAT. WHY? Why would he told you this not me?
    So weird. He plays an adult but he cant speak to me about it?

    So on his farewell party he was dancing and kissed some girl. So i was like : OK Im done.

    Next day i was ok untill his best friend from high school wrote to me. He was asking me about my relationship adn so one. He told me that i am too shy and distanced. He told me its me who pulls back and its me who reject men. And i was like : WHY and he told me that I REJECTED SOMEONE. and he told me that i dont see signs , men signs when someone is interested.

    So i was a bit confused.

    Now i am confused as well

    I am 25, he is 26.

    he comes back from brasil next months.

    THIS GIRL told me he is going to london with her for a techno festival ( even though she has a new bf and knows his friends)…

    I dont know if i am a bit weak if it comes to relationships. I think that hmmm its my stupid opinion- he didnt know what to say and do with me, maybe he was into me but was scared of commitment.because he is a free spirit now.
    AND SHE doesnt wanna lose him as a friend. thats why maybe she was too domineering and possesive. Like she would control the situation around her.

    Its like whevener she see i flirt with some of friends she is too interested. Last week i was dancing with someone and next day she was asking me about him 15 mins… I was like LOL whatever why are u asking me this.

    The problem is i think that maybe she told him something that i didnt want him or so OR she would feel insecure when two of her friends would get together.

    I know it sounds stupid. But before when she was single she was the queen of the company . Like she owuld be surrounded with 10 boys. and whenever some of them would lirt with someone she would be too interested in that … U know what i mean? Like she would not let them or would not loose her knights…

    And im her friend from high school and she knows im a bit sensitive, artistic…
    But it doesnt explain that he didnt want to talk to me and meet me after my text… When i texted him on his bday asking what was going on he was just like : what do you mean???

    So i dont know if its his fault or she did something inside the company as well
    because now even thiugh she has a bf she would be around him, hugging him, being like a mother to him and treats him like a son or so…….. and for me its so weird….

    what do u suggest for me?

    should i let it go? should i just give up from this company? because i feel like he dumped me.
    when i heard i dumped him i was like woooow what?

    and i feel like this girl which is a controller in a company doesnt let her friend being together. u know what i mean?
    she asks me about boys very often idk why she would be so interested in what happened between us 😉

    #85930
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mya,

    Two things are going on here:

    1. You slept with this boy too soon. Call me old fashioned, but when you do that the Weirdness Factor jumps up and they start freaking out. Especially because he had been a player before.

    2. YES, this friend IS the Queen Bee, and wants all the attention to herself!! You will never date someone from that friend group because she won’t let that happen! She probably DID say something to suddenly turn him cold toward you. It worked too, because he easily reverted back to old bad habits. She doesn’t like or love these boys. It’s all about control.

    DON’T tell her you’re interested in anyone, or their names.
    Find someone OUTSIDE of that group, and don’t even introduce him.
    In fact, find a different group!
    And if you do like someone in the group, see them ONE ON ONE, AWAY from the group setting!!

    I am sorry this happened to you.

    Dump this girl as your friend, and if you do ever see this boy again, have it be one on one, not in a party setting.

    Best,

    Inky

    #85938
    Mya
    Participant

    when he comes back she will go with him to techno festival in london…she told me this… i know its been a missunderstanding and my fault that i didnt start the talk asap…how should i behave when i meet him???

    #85939
    Inky
    Participant

    I don’t like that she’s got this tight hold on him.

    If you want to play the game, you too could invite him to a big event/festival, pick him up at the airport, have him stay in your place, etc.

    But this girl INVENTED the game!!

    Now, I’m non-confrontational. If it were me, I would be honest, and tell him you want to meet up. Don’t do it by text or phone. Make plans in person. “WHEN can we meet up? Saturday sounds great. See you then.”

    Or, you could let him do all the work. That sounds unbearably painful, as he could just ignore you again. If you want to drop him, just be polite when you see him.

    Or, change the script and DON’T be at the party/parties at all!!! Text him and say, “Can’t make it. Swing by my place at 10 PM before I turn in.” Or “Can’t make it. Text/call me tomorrow AM if you want to get together this weekend.”

    Good Luck

    #85940
    Mya
    Participant

    what if he doesnt want me and is a player?? he kissed other girl in front of me on a farewell party ….im like confused very much… still idk if i wanna meet with the group when he comes back. he will be back in a month

    #85956
    Inky
    Participant

    I think you have to cast him loose. He’s either not interested, a player, confused, is immature, and/or is being manipulated.

    He’s not ready to handle being in a relationship with you, or probably anyone!

    Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who gives clear signals, who’s loyal, mature, decisive and knows his own mind instead?

    I would not want to be at a party where he’s at. What for, so he can try to make you jealous again?

    Let him contact you and meet with him in private ~ if you’d want to!

    #85959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mya:

    Too many people involved in this, Mya. Each one tells you what he or she understands or what she wants you to think and the truth is lost in all these translations and interpretations and manipulations. No wonder you are confused. Your only chance of clarity is if you stop communicating with all these people about the guy and ONLY communicate with him: ask him the questions you need to ask and listen to his answers or lack of answers. Communicate ONLY with him and with no one else. Then you can make up your mind based on YOUR interpretation of what is going on. He may be honest with you when you ask him questions and he may be dishonest. This will give you answers: if he is dishonest with you then you will figure he is dishonest based on YOUR direct interactions with him and your interpretation (not others’). If he is dishonest, I assume, you will want nothing to do with him (?) and if he is honest, well, then there is a chance.

    anita

    #85996
    Mya
    Participant

    yes,
    i dont want to reject people and friends because of what happened. for example yesterday i was at party where everyone ( except him) was there. and its a group of friends, people. i dont have anything against them
    but again i was observer kind of introvert. again i saw that THIS girl is some kind of controlling some people. i take it with distance, only being nice but not telling about my personal stuff.

    and i saw some of my male friends telling her about their love life and she was like a mother terasa giving advices to everyone.
    so i knew now im 100% sure that THIS GUY told her about me and didnt know what to do with that.

    when he comes back even if its almost 4 months – i will ask him , what happened why didnt u want to meet up and talk about it o.O WHY
    its like a one to one situation- personal- noone else is involved.

    #86004
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mya:

    It is a good idea, to have a one to one conversation with the guy. You cannot control him to NOT talk to the the girl who makes everyone’s business her business. All you can do is not add fuel to the fire by telling her your business (your business is her fuel, as is everyone’s business). Then when you do talk to the guy, you can ask him about his relationship with the girl.

    Since you know what she is doing, turning other people’s business for her good, that is, she is getting some emotional and social benefit from doing what she is doing and it is not to the benefit of others… Since you know what she is doing, before you tell your personal stuff to anyone who knows her, ask him or her how open they are with her.

    That way you know that if you tell your personal stuff to someone who shares with her, then you will be handing your personal stuff to her to do with it as she pleases, distort it any way that suits her, if so she wishes. Maybe someone else noticed or will notice what she is doing. Until they do…. she is everywhere, making your business hers. Do you think I am getting it correctly?

    anita

    #86006
    Mya
    Participant

    Hey anita thank you again.
    if i can add something. i am a person who still lives with my parents. they are very nice people but chaotic artists. they gave me and my sister love and care all of my life. they tought us. we visited almost all of poland ( my country) when i was younger. they gave me everything. but i think sometimes they were too nice and kind. like they didnt have friends, only family stuff and their own business.
    everything was going on around family. i have never seen people at our house. only family- which is veyr small.

    what i am going to say is that this girl comes from patologic family with alcohol and fights. she was the perfectionist in school. she had to take care of herself very soon when she grew up. now she had better contact with brother and mother but still they have problems.
    for me her behaviour of knowing everything comes back childchood when it was not perfect. because her parents didnt give her love and so one. she told me she had to survive while fights. and for me now- she takes care of people doing mother teresa role.
    and people like her and she needs to know everything. maybe its not in a wrong way. but she is a person that colorise (?) the reality very often.
    kind of possesive as well. because she is nice and kind and good looking and a perfect worker and a student people think she is ideal but two of her ex that i know told me she is toxic because she plays and she wears a mask.

    its like people like her because she is nice and she is interested in people. she is a very good listener always giving advice. and people, especially men, boys like her.
    they treat her like a mother? or someone.

    i remember, as a previousely wrote, that before when she was single she was usually surrounded with her ‘male friends’ being like a queen. and now ? she has a bf and is very possesive and calm. its so weird.

    this men, guy, comes from a family that divorced. he grew up soon as he was studying in the other city. and he lives alone and has his own company and business.

    and everyone from this group lives alone. their live is totally different than mine. because i have a lot of other friends. and 2 other groups. i have really a lot of friends. and this group is one of them . that i got inside because i had some situation with HIM.
    and now i dont know if i should let it go or not. i mean if i should just let go from this group and be alone like before or continue spending time with them…
    becuase they’ve known each other.

    she usually invites people to her place for gossips and life talks. i thought she had only me like a friend because she was inviting me very often. but now i see she had a group of friends i didnt know about.
    and im in a different level of life. because i still live with parents. i started working part time. i still study- architecture on master which is very demanding and sometimes i just have no time to go out…
    and at my faculty people are weird… they are only focused on studying no going out or anything. and now?
    i dont know how i can share my life in the aspect of studying, working and being friends, finding boyfriend…
    its so weird and time passes by….

    and i wanted to move out and be more kind of mature but it would mean i would need to be surrounded by other people – friends. because i wouldnt have the company of parents at home…

    this girl lives alone since 2-3 years and probably thats why she is a party girl, people know her because she needed to fill her time with people.
    some people dont do that because they have siblings, parents at home. and she doesnt…

    i dont know if i am justyfing her or just telling about her.
    i see people living alone or with people at my age are more flexible and more’straight forward. we are adults and i still feel like a TEEN.

    and maybe its time to move to make a new step.. and i dont know if i should behave like ‘independent people’ that came to my city without parents and had to organise some kind of a ‘family’ of friends. or being myself and being nice to people, be friendly but take care of family too. because family is important..

    and for some people its not very impornant and i dont get that…
    its just a matter of thinking and values…
    because now i feel not like 25 yo girl- woman, but like 30-35 being too rational and logical…

    #86010
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mya:

    I didn’t understand much of what you may be asking. What I understand is that at twenty five you are living with your parents. Your family is small and loving. Your friends on the other hand, that young woman and the young man you wrote about are from broken like families with fights and such and both do not live with their parents. They are both living on their own. The young man even owns his own business. You are wondering if you should move out of your parents’ home, or if you FIT IN the group of your age group who are living independently. You are thinking that the young woman is not a bad person but a mother like figure.

    If I understood correctly, my feel is that you are fortunate to have a loving small family, oh, how fortunate indeed. My feel is: do treasure this loving little family of yours and continue the tradition by only having loving relationships with others and one day when you get married, that you will choose a loving man, one mentally healthy and capable to … love and be loved.

    I also vote for you focusing on your studies and investing in gainful employment and a good career for you.

    Next, regarding your social life and romance: I still think communication is key, CLEAR communication. Learn who these people are, learn more by asking simple questions and listening for the answers.

    No matter how well meaning and otherwise admirable the young woman you wrote about is, it is not a good idea to rely on HER information regarding who the young man is. No matter how well meaning she may be, she may not present accurate information because of her “blinders” = her inaccurate projections. So whatever it is you want to know about the young man, ask HIM. Whatever you want to know about the young woman, ask HER.

    I hope I was somewhat helpful? If not much, please feel free to write again. Try to write shorter and clearer. (I know English is not your first language)

    anita

    #86015
    lovelimess
    Participant

    Yes, give up. You are competing for what? Dude sounds like a boy.
    Just stay single until you find one that is available, straight-forward, and not in Mother Theresa’s clique.
    I recommend dating an older guy – and don’t have sex with him so soon.

    “Being too curious and sometimes aggresive” is kind of a funny statement, coming from someone who spoke to her 2 ex-boyfriends about her. Don’t play their games. If she is using other peoples personal lives as a way to obtain personal/professional gains, it’ll catch up…TRUST ME, snowball effects are in full force.

    Focus on yourself.

    P.S. A guy who has sex with you and stops talking to you without being able to articulate where you stand… that is not a “free-spirit.” That is a Jerk.

    #86180
    Mya
    Participant

    hey, thank you all for the advice.
    I am just not used to being in a group of people where they talk about each other.
    Its like ive never been in a group of people where everyone knew everything about each other. I was kind of an ‘free electrone’ flying from one group to another. I have never been stuck in one group.
    I have a lot of friends but i am mobile.
    And what made me weird was that this group and people inside the group are talking about me.
    I am very independent and i am not used to get help from other people. Some say im too independent and cold. but its a mask because i usually think people would like to do sth to me. Like take some information or make me feel bad.
    Really im not used to talking about everyone in a group.

    i am focused on myself very much- maybe too much- even parents think i need to be more ‘enjoyable’.

    I am not used to hierarchy in a group- when there is a person who mothers everyone- a very popular person- its weird. i knew this girl for 8 years from high school. i didnt know that her environment has changed so much- i didnt change thinking of her because i remember her from 5-3 years ago. ANd now i see she behaves differently sometimes like a whore- sleeping with boys in relationships because she needed sex…
    and she takes care of everyone from that group- i am an new member i am an observer and i see the hierarchy- i see that in a group even the most bad boys and the most independent boys treat her like a mother or someone that could take care of them. so weird.
    i have no idea how to respondto that behaviour.

    the real reason is that everyone loves watching FRIENDS with jennifer aniston and sometimes i think that my friends would be like them…you know what i mean???

    and yes he is a jerk. why did she tell me he is very sensitive and is very shy when it comes to me? why did she tell me that he wants things to be ok- why didnt he tell me this straight?
    i have no idea.

    guy who pulls away even when he is away with a friend on a party – in my opinion have to write back or so…… no idea if he has alzheimer or other issue…… and she was justyfying him all the time like there would be no harsh situation in a group – because as far as i can see people sleep with each other from that group – especially her.
    and im not like her.
    and deep in my mind i have some thought that she told him that for me it was nothing and now he is like this. and for me it was not nothing.. i dont sleep with people i dont care about
    and SHE DOES.

    and then boys think of her like of a ‘bad and toxic girl’. and i dont wanna have that opinion…….

    #86191
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh Mya,

    These people haven’t grown up yet! You keep being YOU:

    Independent, strong, monogamous, loving, truthful.

    But please cast yourself free from these people!!

    #86195
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mya: I second the advice above: CAST yourself FREE from these people!
    anita

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