Dear anita,

I am feeling strange. People at my dormitory are acting strange. One person didn’t respond to me twice, when I said hello to her. It made me feel bad, and I didn’t know what had happened. I hadn’t even seen her in weeks and I barely talk to her. She is my next-door neighbour. So I wondered: was I too loud? But I usually use headphones. What else could I have done wrong? I have never said anything bad to her or about her. And I also cannot think of anything else, that I could have done wrong. Maybe I should have asked, but I thought, okay, maybe she just doesn’t like me for some reason. So better leave her alone and respect her wishes. So I stopped saying hello to her and she also doesn’t say anything to me now when I see her. Maybe the problem is not me, but her. I don’t know what she is going through, I should stop taking things personally. But I have a huge tendency to take everything personally.

In the last months I isolated myself quite a bit. I even avoided meeting people. The community kitchen and living room are together, only separated by one door. Once I entered the kitchen, but then heard that someone was in the living room and left, because I didn’t want to meet someone. Another time I thought I was alone in the kitchen and somehow said to myself “I hate you” (sometimes I do, without thinking, it happens). But there was someone in the other room. This could be misunderstood, or at least would seem strange. These behaviours, of course, must seem weird to others. Maybe that’s why they are acting weird? It just happened, because I wasn’t feeling good of myself, ashamed of myself and unhappy.

Another weird thing is, that today most people removed their shoes from the corridor. Very strange and I don’t know what’s going on, because I’m in contact with no one.

I wish life would be easier for once. But I am also maybe just thinking and worrying too much about these things. I don’t know what’s going on with my neighbour. I think I should ask them next time I see them. But I also want to spend less time at the dormitory, as it makes me feel depressed. Maybe I should start looking for a new place to live. A place with only one or two roommates, so that it will be easier to connect with them for me.

But not everything is bad these days. I found out that none of the three friends I wrote about earlier in this thread, who I thought are angry at me, are actually angry at me. This weekend I am going to see one of them and I am very happy about that! Maybe it is a sign that I should just worry less, but it is not easy for me. I also managed to work on my projects better during the last week and was satisfied with my results. And I applied for a program, where you can work with a mentor, that will help you with your career goals. So far I don’t know if I will get accepted, but at least I tried.

I want to try my best to make my life better.

And how are yo, anita? I hope everything is good for you.

Dear anita,

I am sorry to hear that your foot is not completely healed. But most likely it will be in the future, maybe it just takes time. So with this type of weather you can’t go for your daily walks? Here it is getting warmer, I even saw the first spring flowers already.

I think this girl must have heard me, she even looked at me. And I also saw her several times again and didn’t say anything to her again and she also didn’t say anything to me.

Sometimes I worry too much about every little thing. And I always look for the fault within myself, but actually it was this girl who behaved strange, not me. I never did anything bad to her or anyone at the dormitory. Only that I isolated myself a lot, but that is actually not their problem!

Somehow the mood is weird here, I feel like something is going on, but I have no clue what it is about. But most people still say hello normally to me. Maybe it is nothing or a problem that they have amongst their group. Best to not worry about it. But I also want to maybe find another place to live, where I will feel more comfortable.

What you wrote about value, that some people think that others are worth less than them, I don’t like such a way of thinking. If this girl truly thought like that, it would be the best to not get to know her better. In any case, it is impolite and unkind to ignore another person. So I’m better off not being in contact with her. I only say hello to be polite, to let the other person know that all is o.K. But if she doesn’t want that, I will let her be.

What I want is to try my best to be kind to everyone. No matter their status, job, background or anything. Of course, if they choose to be disrespectful to me, I have to draw the line there. I believe the same thing like you, that every person is equal. I am still learning to keep that balance,  in real life I will maybe still make mistakes. But I am now more aware of myself: I want to be kind, but not let others disrespect me.

I also want to do the thing that you suggested, to value myself. Too often I put myself down. For example, I make excuses for my art stuff, when showing it to my professor. Or I say that it was not so good etc. I need to stop this! It is not helping at all.

But somehow I am feeling like the change within me has already begun. Sometimes I feel unhappy, unhappier than before. But at the same time I feel hopeful that change is possible. I have a good feeling about my new therapist and also the conversations here with you have helped me.

Dear anita,

my faltmates were nicer to me recently. Even the woman, who ignored me, talked to me again. I have no clue what happened with them. The lesson is to not worry about what others might think so much. It is hard for me, but I want to free myself from this way of thinking. Better say stop to myself, when I get into this cycle of thinking again.

But I still want to move out. It is time for a change, and there is also only a limited time you can live in a dormitory. Maybe if I live with only one or two people, it will be easier for me.

K. recently called me. Maybe you will be angry at me, for taking the call, but I was curious about what he wanted. In the end, it helped me see what kind of a person he truly is. He revealed a lot more about his character during the call. He wanted to get back with me, but I told him that I don’t want to see him again. I better don’t tell more about what he said, or you would just get furious again. Now I can move on with no regrets, so it was worth it. In an impulse, I threw my phone into the river. While I regret the pollution, at least he doesn’t have my number anymore now.

You guided me through ending contact with him the first time, which was a good advice and helpful. But I also have to make my own experiences and now I ended it on my own terms and I feel calmer.

Dear anita,

I have no more regrets about ending it. And I don’t feel sorry for him or worry about him anymore. But I have other regrets. I am angry at myself for being so blind, for assisting him in mistreating me. For a long time I was very convinced, that he was honest. That there must be something wrong with me. But a good person wouldn’t treat you like this.

Sadly I have very little experience with men. For a long time, I wasn’t even able to speak to them. There was only the experience with the man in the dormitory. Other than that, no experiences. Compared to him, K. treated me better. But there was no high bar there…

For now, I will focus on myself. Not see any men. Hopefully I will feel better with time. I already started to feel better before he called me again. But I learned a lot during this call, so it was worth the pain. It brought me clarity!

From now on, I will observe people’s behavior better. It is my resolution to be on my own side more. Of course, still reflecting about my behavior, but try not to overdo this. Take on responsibility for my own mistakes, but not the mistakes of others. Not let people disrespect me. I have a lot to learn, but I think I took the first steps in the right direction with ending this… I also blocked him on social media and don’t want to hear of him ever again!

Regarding my flatmates: I usually want to be respectful and be nice to everyone. But sometimes I might overdo this, and then it will seem strange. And when I worry about what others think of me, always suspecting that they don’t like me, of course it will show. I get nervous and then I make them nervous or uncomfortable too. I am socially awkward. Social competences is another big thing I need to work on.

Most likely people don’t even think or care about my problems. Somehow I have this obsession with what others will think of me. The fears are very unrealistic! I find lots of reasons why others might be upset with me and many of them are not true to reality. Every little thing I do would be a reason for them to criticize me. Even things that I did not do! What if they thought this of me? Or that? This is how my mind often goes… It makes my life miserable. And people have their own problems to worry about, they likely don’t care about mine.

What helped me before was to go out more, do things that calm me down. To occupy my time with things that will improve my life. Go for a walk, meet a friend, work, study… Then I will think less and less about what others will think.

Your idea of writing parts of our conversation down could be helpful. Maybe I will make a list, or buy a notebook for this.

Hopefully I will make more and more progress. I want to change and better myself. At least I am self aware (I hope) and willing to learn.

Dear anita,

hopefully I am making progress, I have to. Something like this cannot happen ever again.

I have to admit, that I was still confused during the phone call. The things he said, admitted to and expected were shocking to me. It took a while until it truly sunk in. But in the end I sent him a message, that I don’t want to see him again.

At the moment, I am not feeling too good about myself, but I am not a person that will give up easily. I try to remind myself, that I already took the first steps in the right direction. I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. And I really, really don’t want to repeat them!

It is very essential for me to learn to not try to please others all the time! But the good thing is, I have already noticed my own behaviour more and am more aware of myself. From now on, I want to always take a moment to think about what I want, before making an important decision or before saying yes. I am sure I am repeating myself already… But these are the things I am thinking about a lot at the moment.

My obsession with other people’s thought’s – where did it come from? Maybe it’s a topic I can discuss in therapy. I already found some solutions that can help me, when I get stuck in this cycle of thinking again (like doing something else, going for a walk etc.). But I can tell you, it is hard to stop these thoughts, they are very persistent. Hopefully it will get better with time.

And how are you doing?

Dear anita,

thank you for your help and always replying to me. Most people would only judge and look down on me.But you actually took the time to try to understand and help me. Really thank you!

Good to hear that your foot is better now! Hopefully the weather will get better too and you can go out for your daily walks again!

Today I also went for a walk by the river. It is a nice springlike day. I even collected some shells and the sounds of the waves reminded me of the ocean. At the moment, going for walks really helps me to calm myself down. I want to do such things that make me feel better. Now I want to study for a while and later go to Yoga class.

The idea of using guided meditations sounds good. I found some on youtube, I can try and see if there are helpful ones there. Or maybe there are some at the library or I can ask my therapist. Maybe she knows of something. Do you know how the author of those you used was called?

I am not scared of my own thoughts though. The thoughts of other people about me scare me. And I realize already, that it doesn’t make sense! For example, I am scared if one of my neighbours overheard something of my phone call with K. and now thinks badly of me. Because, of course I responded to the weird things he said, repeated some of those things in a question. It was a weird conversation and I was confused. But why do I care??? I don’t even know my neighbour, they don’t know me. Most likely they don’t care so much. And they don’t know the whole story. But I know that I have ended it, while he wanted to continue this. I know that honesty is very important to me, while he was not honest. I know that I had no bad intentions, that I only hoped to be with him… I know that I made mistakes (which were no doubt stupid), but that I really want to change and learn from those mistakes. But somehow the actual truth becomes less important than some supposed thoughts of a stranger.

What you wrote is true though, I need to learn to be no longer scared of their (imagined)  thoughts and judgements. For a start I try to do other things, occupy myself. But I am also hiding myself, which is likely not so good. Still, I feel a lot of shame for not making good choices and being naive…

But I also try to tell myself that I am still learning. I try to be more compassionate with myself. The problems I have, I have them because nobody was trying to understand me while I was growing up. Somehow there was this conclusion by grown ups that I am difficult and problematic. I did not fit into their narrow expectations and so I was judged. Of course, I don’t want to make this a lifelong excuse to rest on. I want to work to not make the same mistakes again and better myself. But it also explains why I might need some more time for everything compared to others… I want to be more patient with myself and not judge myself so much.